VIII. Gender and Friendship

1. Stereotypical perception: (a) women are more communal; (b) men are more agentic.
   
   
2. Fact: (a) both types of friendship exist in both genders; (b) men are just more cautious about revealing communal friendships; (c) both genders use friends of the same gender to disclose information; (d) platonic friendships are increasing in importance; (e) cross-sex friendships are occurring increasingly more often, not motivated by sexual attraction.
   
   
3. Challenges: (a) men and women learn sex segregation from early age; (b) little interaction experience; (c) people stereotype cross-sex couples.
   
   
4. “Friends with Benefits” is a term used to describe friends that engage in sexual activities. FWB: (a) have little commitment; (b) satisfy their sexual needs; (c) develop clear rules on attachment, communication and sex.
   
   

DISCUSSION STARTER 6: Have you had an FWB relationship? If so, what were the pros and cons? Did you and your friend establish rules for the relationship? If so, what were they? And to what degree did you both follow those rules?

1. Maintaining Friendships

1. Maintenance Strategies for Friends.

(a) Sharing activities (structure your schedule to allow friends to share hobbies, interests and leisure);

(b) Communicating openly: (make your communication predictable, trustworthy and ethical, yet balance openness with protection.

(c) Gretchen Rubin suggests interesting pieces of advice on maintaining friendships (Michael’s Sound Bite 10-2, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-happiness-project/201001/eight-tips-maintaining-friendships): (a) keep in touch on social media; (b) have regular face-to-face meetings; (c) join a group together; (d) find fun things to do; (e) be wary of false choices; (f) give tokens of appreciation; (g) cut some slack; (h) don’t expect spontaneous breakthroughs in friendship.

DISCUSSION STARTER 3: Think of a good friend. Which conversational topics have you and your friend agreed will be off-limits because discussing them could threaten your bond? Has this avoidance of sensitive subjects helped you maintain the friendship, or has it created too much distance between you?

1. Abiding By Friendship Rules (Michael Argyle):

(a) Show support; (b) seek support; (c) respect privacy; (d) keep confidences; (e) defend friends; (f) avoid public criticism; (g) make your friends happy; (h) manage jealousy; (i) share humor; (j) maintain equity.

DISCUSSION STARTER 4: Consider the 10 universal rules that successful friends follow. Which of these rules do you abide by in your own friendships? Which do you neglect? How has neglecting some of these rules affected your friendships? What steps might you take to better follow rules you’ve previously neglected?

1. Maintaining Long-Distance Friendships

Michael Rabby: Long-distance friendships are difficult to maintain due to irregular contact and having to share activities when actually meeting. Surviving LDF: (a) have a particular strong liking; (b) accept change as natural; (c) have a sense of shared history; (d) maintain contact using technology; (e) remind each other of affection and regard; (f) spend time recounting events and experiences; (g) show support when needed.

Practice

I. Opening Story: Starting the Discussion

A. Michael’s Instructions: While not obligatory for reading, the opening story in each chapter sets the mood for the rest of the reading. Stephen chooses stories that relate to several concepts in the chapter and talks about these concepts in general terms.

B. Read the opening story and identify three concepts from the chapter that characterize the communication process in the situation.

C. Then: (a) think of similar examples in your life, (b) remember the actions that the hero of the story, you, and other people around you took when they faced the situation; (c) think of the ways these actions influenced everyone involved; (d) suggest the ways which your naïve knowledge of communication offered you as remedies for whatever did not work in communication in that particular instance; (e) discuss how your scientific knowledge of communication changes your perception, and list three things that you would do now if you faced a similar situation in the future

D. An essay on the opening story can be used as an extra credit opportunity. If you would like to get more points, write a six-paragraph essay answering the questions above in good paragraphs (1 opening sentence, 2-3 main idea sentences, 1 summary and transition sentence). Make note that although this assignment is long and fairly difficult, you will be given only 10 points for it. The reason for it is that the extra credit points must be extra hard to get.

STORY OF J. K. ROWLING

Joanne grew up in an open and supportive family that included her parents and her younger sister Di. “I think my mother had a romantic idea of what family life ought to be,” she notes, “and never stopped striving to attain it.” One of Joanne’s fondest childhood memories is of her mother’s laugh. “She had one of the most contagious laughs I’ve ever heard, though you didn’t really hear much—she literally doubled up, apparently unable to draw breath while tears streamed down her face.”

When Joanne was 15, her family life changed forever. Her mother was diagnosed with multiple

sclerosis, a degenerative nervous system disease. “I think most people believe, deep down, that their mothers are indestructible; it was a terrible shock to hear that she had an incurable illness.” Joanne continued on to college, and after graduating, she went to work in London and began writing a book. In 1990, her mother passed away. “It was a terrible time. My father, Di, and I were devastated. I remember feeling as though there was a paving slab pressing down on my chest, a literal pain in my heart.”

The heartbreak Joanne felt after her mother’s death transformed the images of family in the novel she was writing, titled Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. “Harry’s feelings about his dead parents became much deeper, much more real.” Joanne poured her pain into the manuscript, developing what would become her favorite chapter, “The Mirror of Erised,” in which Harry is tormented by the illusory reflection of his dead parents (Rowling, 1997):

A woman standing right behind his reflection was smiling at him. He reached out a hand and felt the air behind him. If she was really there, he’d touch her, but he felt only air—she and the others existed only in the mirror. Then he noticed that she was crying: smiling, but crying at the same time. The tall, thin, black-haired man standing next to her put his arm around her. He wore glasses, and his hair was very untidy. It stuck up at the back, just as Harry’s did. Harry was so close to the mirror now that his nose was nearly touching that of his reflection. “Mom?” he whispered. “Dad?” (pp. 208–209)

The pain of losing a parent isn’t the only parallel Joanne created between her life and Harry’s. Just as Harry eventually finds a new family in his friends, Joanne’s emotional survival—and her eventual fame and fortune—largely stemmed from the support offered by her close friend, Fiona Wilson. After her mother’s death, Joanne lived on welfare in a rundown apartment in Scotland. Struggling to raise a daughter by herself, she struck up a friendship with Wilson, also a single mother. When Joanne won acceptance into a prestigious teacher training program, she didn’t think she could pursue the opportunity because she could not afford child care. Wilson gave her Ј4,000 (approximately $7,400).

“I broke down and cried when my friend offered it to me. I think we both thought I would never be able to pay it back. She basically said here’s a gift to help you.” Wilson’s generosity enabled Joanne (“J. K.”) Rowling to earn her degree, though her career as a teacher was soon cut short by the smashing success of her Harry Potter series. More than 400 million copies of her books have been sold in over 200 countries worldwide and translated into 67 different languages.

And Joanne repaid her friend’s gift many times over, buying Wilson a house. Yet despite her success, Joanne’s thoughts return to her mom: “I miss my mother almost daily, and I feel desperately sad for all she missed. She died before either of her daughters got married, she never met her granddaughter, and I never told her about Harry Potter.”

II. Terms

In your essays for this course it is very important to use the terminology of communication science. Therefore, take time to learn the terms and their meanings in each chapter. In the face-to-face version of this course, various interactive techniques will be used to test your knowledge of the major terms. In the online version of the class you will review the terms independently. Make sure you use the terms referred to below in your essays.

Family Family communication patterns, FCP FCP, conformity-oriented FCP, consensual family FCP, conversation-oriented FCP, laissez-faire family FCP, pluralistic family FCP, protective family Family types, FT FT, blended FT, cohabitating FT, extended FT, gay or lesbian

FT, nuclear FT, single-parent Friends with benefits Friendship, agentic Types of friends according to Adams Friendship, communal Friendships Relationship maintenance, RM RM, granting assurances RM, openness RM, positivity Long-distance friendships

III. Names

It is very important to remember the names of scholars who contributed to communication theory. Your essays will sound more professional if you make reference to the people mentioned in this brochure. In the face-to-face version of this course, and in the audio lectures that accompany the online version of this course the names of these scholars will be routinely used to refer to various concepts. Study the names of communication scholars and try to remember their contribution to the science.

Adams, Paul Argyle, Michael Baxter, Leslie Fehr, BJ Fitzpatrick, Mary Anne

Montgomery, Barbara Rabby, Michael Rawlins, William Rubin, Gretchen Stone, Elizabeth

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