Overcoming differentiation

This exercise helps you to overcome differentiating.

➊ Identify when you and your romantic partner are differentiating.

➋ Check your perception of the relationship, paying special attention to how you’ve punctuated encounters and the attributions you’ve made about your partner.

➌ Call to mind the similarities that originally brought you and your partner together.

➍ Discuss your concerns with your partner, emphasizing the similarities you share and your desire to continue the relationship, and expressing empathic concern and perspectivetaking as you do so.

➎ Explore solutions to the differences that have been troubling you.

USING TECHNOLOGY IN MAINTAINING ROMANCE

This exercise helps you use technology to maintain romance.

➊ Send your partner an e-mail or text that has no purpose other than to compliment him or her.

➋ Forward a funny online joke to your partner.

➌ Post a message on your partner’s Web page, saying how excited you are about seeing her or him soon.

➍ During a day you know is especially high-stress for your partner, send an e-mail or text that says, “Just thinking of you.”

➎ Recall a friend or family member whom your partner has been concerned about, and send an e-mail or text to your partner inquiring about how the person is doing.

➏ Think of a task your partner has been wanting you to do, complete it, then text-message your partner to let her or him know you took care of it.

OVERCOMING JEALOUSY

This exercise helps you communicate more effectively when jealousy strikes.

➊ Identify an upcoming situation that may trigger jealousy in you.

➋ When you’re in the situation, continue your current activities, not letting the event that triggered your jealousy distract you from completing what you were doing.

➌ Avoid immediate communication with your partner.

➍ While you’re finishing what you were doing, practice the Jefferson Strategy, counting to 10 or 100 until you cool off.

➎ Initiate communication with your partner, using your cooperative language skills and explaining to him or her why the event caused you to feel jealous. Solicit your partner’s perspective on the situation.

VII. Extra Credit: Quiz

Take one of these quizzes and write a one-page reflection on your results referring to at least THREE concepts in the chapter (10 points).

Quiz 1: Love Attitude

Call to mind your current or most recent romantic partner. If you haven’t yet had a “romantic” relationship, think about how you would feel if you were in such a relationship. Then, read the items below, and identify the ones with which you agree.

Storge

——— It is hard to say exactly where friendship ends and love begins.

——— Love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion.

Agape

——— When my lover gets angry with me, I still love him/her fully and unconditionally.

——— I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer.

Mania

——— Sometimes I get so excited about being in love that I can’t sleep.

——— When my lover doesn’t pay attention to me, I feel sick all over.

Pragma

——— I try to plan my life carefully before choosing a lover.

——— I consider what a person is going to become in life before I commit myself to him/her.

Ludus

——— I try to keep my lover a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her.

——— I enjoy playing the “game of love” with a number of different partners.

Eros

——— My lover and I have the right physical “chemistry” between us.

——— I feel that my lover and I were meant for each other

Scoring: Count the number of items you agree with for each love attitude. 0 _ low on that attitude;

1 _ moderate; 2 _ high.

Quiz 2: Betraying Romantic Partner

Read each statement and rate how often you have done the activity: 1 (never), 2 (once), 3 (a few times), 4 (several times), 5 (many times). Get your score by adding up your answers.

——— Telling others information given to you in confidence by a romantic partner.

——— Lying to a romantic partner.

——— Failing to stand up for a romantic partner when he or she is being criticized or belittled by others.

——— Snubbing a romantic partner when you are with a group you want to impress.

——— Gossiping about a romantic partner behind his or her back.

——— Making a promise to a romantic partner with no intention of keeping it.

Scoring: 6–14: You’re a very low betrayer. 15–23: You’re a moderate betrayer. 24–30: You’re a high betrayer.

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