Discussion questions. • think of an encounter in which someone modified his or her communication with you because of your age

• Think of an encounter in which someone modified his or her communication with you because of your age. How did this communication affect you?

• Now consider how you modify your communication when talking with others who are substantially older or younger than you. Is modifying your communication in this way a sign of competence or incompetence? Why?

Film: The Devil Wears Prada

In New York, the simple and naive just-graduated in journalism Andrea Sachs is hired to work as the second assistant of the powerful and sophisticated Miranda Priestly, the ruthless and merciless executive of the Runway fashion magazine. Andrea dreams to become a journalist and faces the opportunity as a temporary professional challenge. The first assistant Emily advises Andrea about the behavior and preferences of their cruel boss, and the stylist Nigel helps Andrea to dress more adequately for the environment. Andrea changes her attitude and behavior, affecting her private life and the relationship with her boyfriend Nate, her family and friends. In the end, Andrea learns that life is made of choices.

Please read the assignment carefully and write a good paragraph in response to each of the questions, referring to at least ONE concept in each of the paragraphs.

1. What does “being competent” mean for all the main characters? Does their notion of competence change throughout the film?

2. What explanations for their behavior does Andy provide in the beginning and in the end of the story?

3. What does Andy believe she learned while working for Miranda? Why does she quit just one step away from being promoted?

4. How does Andy overcome shyness, loneliness and defensiveness? Is she successful?

5. What are some of cultural clashes that she has to adapt to, and how does she deal with those clashes?

Relationship Problem

Follow Steve’s algorithm to answer all the questions posed. Please write at least ONE good paragraph in response to each stage in Steve’s plan, referring to at least ONE concept from the chapter in each.

WHEN A FRIEND FAILS YOU

BACKGROUND

A particularly daunting challenge to practicing interpersonal competence is trying to balance appropriateness, effectiveness, and ethics when a friend or romantic partner disappoints you deeply. To consider how you might effectively deal with such a situation, read the case study and work through the

five steps that follow.

CASE STUDY

Tara is a close friend of several years. You count on her for emotional support and share many interests. A few months ago, Tara started a demanding degree program, and now it seems you never get to talk or spend time with her. You only communicate via e-mail, and Tara’s messages sound distant and preoccupied. You care about Tara a great deal and still consider her a close friend, but you have begun to feel that you’re putting more effort into this relationship than she is.

Recently, Tara has made dates to go to the movies, hang out, or attend parties with you. But in each case, she has e-mailed you at the last minute to cancel. Tara’s messages have been kind and apologetic, and she has always explained that the intense demands of school are preventing her from socializing much. Though you understand that Tara’s schoolwork is demanding, you’re beginning to feel frustrated by her repeated cancellations.

After two weeks of no communication, Tara e-mails you and apologizes for her unavailability and explains that she had been working on an important project. Now the project is done, and she wants to spend some time with you and get caught up. Tara invites you to lunch on Wednesday and offers to treat, “to make up for the last couple of months.” Delighted, you immediately accept Tara’s invitation.

On Wednesday morning, you check your e-mail. You see a message from Tara, with the subject line: “PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY!” To your immense annoyance, you read, “I hate to do this, because I was really looking forward to seeing you, but I’m going to have to cancel our lunch today. I’m running behind on my project, and I’ve got to get it done now. Please e-mail me to let me know you got this message in time. Thanks!”

Preparing to respond, you find yourself struggling with competing emotions. You’re hurt and angry, and your gut impulse is to flame Tara. But you also want to get together with her and rebuild your friendship. At the same time, her actions make you wonder if she values the relationship. With all of these thoughts and emotions, you begin writing a response: “Tara.... “

YOUR TURN

While working through the following steps, keep in mind the interpersonal communication concepts, skills, and insights you’ve learned so far in this book, especially in this chapter. Also remember: there are no right answers, so think hard about the choice you make! (P.S. Need help? Review the concepts listed below.)

Step 1: Reflect on yourself. What are your thoughts and feelings in this situation? What attributions are you making about Tara and her interpersonal communication? Are your attributions accurate? Why or why not?

Step 2: Reflect on your partner. Using perspective-taking and empathic concern, put yourself in Tara’s shoes. Consider how your friend is thinking and feeling. How did Tara likely perceive your planned lunch together? How is her graduate work affecting your friendship? How does Tara likely feel about you and your relationship?

Step 3: Identify the optimal outcome. Think about all the information you have regarding Tara and this relationship. Consider your own feelings as well as hers. Given all these factors, what’s the best, most constructive relationship outcome possible here? Be sure to consider not just what’s best for you but what’s best for Tara as well.

Step 4: Locate the roadblocks. Taking into consideration your own thoughts and feelings, Tara’s, and all that has happened, what’s preventing you from achieving the optimal outcome you identified in step 3?

Step 5: Chart your course. How will you respond to Tara to overcome the roadblocks you’ve identified and achieve your optimal relationship outcome?

Skill

CRAFTING RHETORICAL MESSAGES

This exercise helps you craft rhetorical messages.

➊ During your next difficult interpersonal encounter, discuss the situation in neutral, nonjudgmental ways.

➋ As the situation unfolds, openly empathize with the other person.

➌ Suggest solutions that address the problem and that generate positive longterm outcomes for everyone involved.

➍ Share these solutions with the other person, framing them as options, not orders.

➎ Seek feedback from the other person regarding your proposed solutions, and negotiate a consensus on how best to resolve the dilemma.

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