Discussion questions. • what has your culture taught you about the use of touch and distance?

• What has your culture taught you about the use of touch and distance? Are you a high- or low-contact person?

• When communicating with people from other cultures, how do you adapt your use of touch and distance?

• Have you ever had to alter your touching and distance to adapt to others’ preferences? How did this change make you feel?

Film: Extreme Makeover

Extreme Makeover follows the stories of the lucky individuals who are chosen for a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be given a truly "Cinderella-like" experience: a real life fairy tale in which their wishes come true, not just by changing their looks, but their lives and destinies. This magic is conjured through the skills of an "Extreme Team," including the nation's top plastic surgeons, eye surgeons and cosmetic dentists, along with a talented team of hair and makeup artists, stylists, and personal trainers, led by an on-camera Extreme Makeover expert. This season will feature more "news you can use" tips about fashion, hair and makeup for the home viewers also, so they, too, can experience a little bit of the show's magic. Each self-contained episode features two people, seen first in their "before" phase, then as they undergo their various procedures, and finally, in a climactic unveiling - the "after" -when the candidates reveal their new selves to their families and friends.

Please read the assignment carefully and write a good paragraph in response to each of the questions, referring to at least ONE concept in each of the paragraphs.

1. Describe the hero or the heroine of the program before and after the makeover.

2. In addition to obvious outside changes, how was he or she changed inside?

3. How do her or his friends perceive him or her differently now?

4. What expectations does she or he have for the life ahead?

5. What lessons do you think you can draw from this example?

Relationship Problem

Follow Steve’s algorithm to answer all the questions posed. Please write at least ONE good paragraph in response to each stage in Steve’s plan, referring to at least ONE concept from the chapter in each.

DEALING WITH MIXED MESSAGES

BACKGROUND

Receiving mixed messages—when verbal and nonverbal communication clash—is a common dilemma

in relationships. To explore ways to deal with mixed messages, read the case study and work through

the steps that follow.

CASE STUDY

You met Dakota through a mutual friend, and you instantly bonded—same interests, same likes and dislikes, even the same major. You never tire of talking to Dakota—you two are constantly e-mailing, text messaging, or conversing on the phone. You’ve always considered Dakota physically attractive but never envisioned a romance. This is partly because you two are good friends, and because you both were involved with other people. Those other relationships have recently ended. But you still think of Dakota only as a friend.

Then things became confusing when you recently met Dakota for lunch. Dakota looked unusually nice—all dressed up. When you asked, “What’s the occasion?” you got an evasive response. Dakota kept leaning toward you, making extensive eye contact, smiling, touching your arm and leg (although at the time it seemed “accidental”), and even suggested you two take more classes together next semester. You’re pleased—until you tell your roommate about the lunch. Your roommate laughs and says, “Dakota is crushing on you!” Troubled, you send your friend an e-mail. The two of you have always been honest and open with each other (especially online), so you tell Dakota what your roommate said, and type “What’s up?” Dakota responds with a teasing, “As if I’d ever crush on you ☺!”

In the days that follow, you increasingly sense that Dakota wants a romantic involvement. Everything about your friend’s nonverbal communication suggests intimacy. But whenever you raise the issue, Dakota denies it, responding, “You’ve got an overactive imagination.” You start feeling confused and irked by the mixed messages. One day, going to Dakota’s apartment, you mull over the situation. Is Dakota romantically interested in you, or are you imagining things? Should you push your friend to “tell you the truth,” or has Dakota already communicated a clear message? Should you make a pass at Dakota just to see the response? Or just forget the whole matter? Arriving at your friend’s doorstep, you knock, and the door opens— revealing an attractively dressed Dakota. With a big smile, your friend says, “What’s up?” How do you respond?

YOUR TURN

While working through the following steps, keep in mind the interpersonal communication concepts, skills, and insights you’ve learned so far in this book, especially this chapter. Also remember: there are no right answers, so think hard about the choice you make! (P.S. Need help? Review the concepts listed below.)

Step 1: Reflect on yourself. What are your thoughts and feelings in this situation? What attributions are you making about Dakota based on your friend’s interpersonal communication? Are your attributions accurate? Why or why not?

Step 2: Reflect on your partner. Using perspective-taking and empathic concern, put yourself in Dakota’s shoes. Consider how your friend is thinking and feeling, especially how Dakota likely feels about you and your relationship.

Step 3: Identify the optimal outcome. Think about all the information you have regarding Dakota and this relationship. Consider your own feelings as well as your friend’s. Given all these factors, what’s the best, most constructive relationship outcome possible here? Be sure to consider not just what’s best for you, but what’s best for Dakota as well.

Step 4: Locate the roadblocks. Taking into consideration your own thoughts and feelings, Dakota’s, and all that has happened, what’s preventing you from achieving the optimal outcome you identified in step 3?

Step 5: Chart your course. How will you communicate with Dakota to overcome the roadblocks you’ve identified and achieve your optimal relationship outcome?

Skill

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