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Cupid: What do you call Santa's helpers?
Comet: Elves?
Cupid: Nope. Subordinate Clauses.
Teacher: Jeff, please make a sentence using 'officiate'.
Jeff: I got a stomach ache last night from officiate.
(from a fish I ate).
Doing what you enjoy is freedom, but enjoying what you do is happiness!
How many body builders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to screw it in and two to chant, "You're looking huge man, you're looking huge!"
John: Did you know I was going to be a professional parachutist?
Ed: Oh, yeah? What happened?
John: Things just didn't open up for me.
Ed: My uncle and I went on a safari to Africa last year.
John: Oh, yeah? How did it go?
Ed: We spotted a leopard.
John: Don't be silly. They're born that way!
Finn and Huck were good friends. Finn died. No one was worried though. Everyone said, " Huck'll bury Finn. "
Shakespeare: I've written a good play, but I think the title is too long.
Sir Francis: What have you called it?
Shakespeare: "Julius, Grab the Girl Quickly Before She Gets Away!"
Sir Francis: Why not just call it, "Julius Caesar !"
(Julius, seize her).
Traveler: I'd like a round trip ticket please.
Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, but all of our trip tickets are square.
John: I went riding last night.
Ed: Horseback?
John: Oh, yeah! She got back about half-an-hour after I did!
Did you hear about the bear that learned Kung-Fu?
He called himself Grizz-Lee.
(Bruce Lee – легенда кунг фу).
Ed: It rained the whole time I was on vacation.
John: It looks like you got a good tan anyway!
Ed: That's not a tan - that's rust!
First woman: I've got my husband eating out of my hand!
Second woman: Beats washing dishes, doesn't it?
A count who was the leader of a rebel movement was thrown into prison. The king confronted him and demanded to know the names of the other rebels. The count refused to reveal their identities - even under torture. "Behead him!" the king ordered vehemently. The count was dragged to the place of execution. "If you tell me the names I want, I will spare you," the king said. Still the count shook his head and refused to talk. As the count's head was positioned under the blade, the king warned, "This is your last chance!" The rebel remained silent. "Go ahead," the king ordered. The executioner made his move.
At that moment, the count's nerve broke. "Wait! Wait! I'll tell you..." But it was too late. The ax had done its work. Furious, the king turned to the executioner. "How often have I told you," he yelled, " not to hatchet your counts before they chicken?"
(обыгрывается поговорка Don’t count chickens before they are hatched. Цыплят по осени считают).
Farmer John: Do you like raisin bread?
Farmer Ed: Don't know. Ain't never tried raisin i t!
Where did the Egyptian go when he had a bad back?
To the Cairo - practor.
(Chiropractor)
Why did the moron sit on her watch?
She wanted to be on time.
Why is carjacking so popular in New York City?
It's easier than getting a cab.
What do you have if a midget psychic is running from the police?
A small medium at large.
(на свободе, в бегах).
Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries. "Didja get anything on that last heist?" asked Jack. "Nutin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out dat de guy who lives dere is a lawyer."
"Jeez, ain't dat da breaks," his friend sympathized. "Didja lose anything?"
Did you hear about the poor guy at GE who used up all his sick days and STILL wasn't better?
He called in dead.
"How're things with you and Marge?" a friend asked Ken.
"Well, as usual, we couldn't agree," Ken replied. "She wanted a mink coat and I wanted a Porsche." "What happened?" "Actually, we compromised. We bought the mink coat, but we keep it in the garage."
Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'analyze' in it?
Chet: Anna said she met U2 at a concert, but Anna lies.
Two neighbors were having a chat across the backyard fence. "My son is learning to play football this year," said one mother.
"What position does he play?" asked the other.
"The coach said he's a 'drawback.'"
When I die, please bury me deep,
Bury my history books at my feet.
Tell the teacher I've gone to rest -
And won't be back for the history test.
What's a twip?
When a wabbit takes a twain wide.
Where can you find baby soldiers?
In the infantry.
(пехота).
Why was the cannibal expelled from school?
For buttering up the teachers.
Tagline: A man is known by the company he avoids.
(обыгрывается пословица “…the company he keeps”.
Did you hear about the veterinarian and the taxidermist who went into business together?
Their slogan was, "Either way, you get your pet back."
What do you have to know before you can start training a new pet?
More than the pet.
Did you hear about the dentist who became a brain surgeon?
His drill slipped.
What's the hardest part about learning to ride a horse?
The ground.
What do you get if you walk through a field full of four-leaf clover and poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Why aren't elephants allowed on the beaches in Syracuse?
They can't keep their trunks up.
(1. плавки; 2. хоботы).
Mom, may I go out and play?
With those holes in your socks?
No. With my baseball.
Why are mosquitoes like arithmetic?
Because they add to misery, subtract from pleasure, divide your attention and multiply quickly.
(остроумно).
One boy: If you broke your arm in two places, what would you do about it?
Second boy: Never go back to those two places again!
Why did the tourists at the dude ranch ride the horses?
Because the horses were too heavy to carry.
Where do cowboys send their shoes during the summer months?
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