Of humour

***

Teacher: Randy, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?

Randy: I'd have somebody else's pants on!

Student: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test

Teacher: Neither do I, but it's the lowest grade I can give you!

News item: The police have been looking for a suspect with one eye.

Letter to editor: Wouldn't the police have a better chance of catching him if they used two eyes?

(1. с одним глазом; 2. одним глазком).

While out walking on the African veldt one day, a missionary suddenly came face to face with a lion. Thinking that his situation was hopeless, he sank to his knees in prayer, but then became greatly relieved when the lion got down on his knees beside him. "Dear brother lion," said the missionary, "how heartening it is to find you joining me in Christian prayer when a few moments ago I feared for my life!"

"Don't interrupt," growled the lion, "while I'm saying grace!" (благодарю бога за хлеб насущный).

Newsflash: The police are looking for a man with one eye called Bernie.

Caller: What's the other eye called?

Newsflash: The police want a tall handsome man for assaulting women.

Caller. I'm interested. What does the job pay?

What's green and crawly and has 100 legs?

A centipickle! (обыгр. centipede+pickle).

Man: My wife's leaving for the West Indies.

Friend: Jamaica? [обыгр. созвучие с did you make her?]

Man: No. It was her own idea.

Man: I got a brand new sports car for my wife (два значения: 1. получил, купил; 2. обменял что-то на что-то).

Friend: No kidding. How'd you ever get the dealer to make a trade like that?

Nurse: Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.

(1. не вижу; 2. не могу принять).

Judge: I'm afraid I'll have to have you locked up for the night.

Defendant: What's the charge?

Judge: There's no charge. It's part of the service.

(1. обвинение; 2. плата)

First guy: Say, are you warm from the sun?

Second guy: No, I'm Smith from the Times.

(“The sun” также название газеты).

Patient: Doc, I have trouble falling asleep at night.

Doctor: Well, just lie on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off (1. упадешь; 2. заснешь, провалишься в сон).

It was an amazing coincidence that all three of the daughters in the Potato family came home on the same day to announce that they were going to get married. Father was surprised and figured that he had just better sit down with each girl in order to make sure that they had selected a proper mate.

Calling on his eldest daughter first, they retired to Dad's den. "So, daughter, tell me about this special guy in your life," said Dad. "Oh, Daddy," gushed his daughter, "I'm so happy! Jimmy Mashedpotato has asked me to marry him and I said yes." "Well, that's wonderful," said Father. "Jimmy is a wonderful boy and the Mashedpotato family is very respected in our community. You have my blessings."

Calling in his second daughter, Mr. Potato repeated the question he had posed to the eldest. "Oh, Pop," gushed daughter number two, "Eddie Sweetpotato asked me to marry him today and I'm so happy!" "Well," replied her father, "that's wonderful. Eddie is a nice young man and the Sweetptotato family is very influential. You have my blessings."

Calling in his youngest, Pop Potato was feeling good about the choices his other two daughters had made, and so without hesitation, he once again asked about the young man in her life. "Oh, Dad," gushed daughter number three. "I'm just so excited. Dan Rather has asked me to marry him and I said yes."

"Dan Rather?" exploded her father. "Dan Rather? You can't marry Rather...he's just a commentator!” (common (po)tato).

An American couple is visiting Russia for the first time, and while in Moscow, they decide to hire a guide. Using the telephone book, it didn't take them long to hire a tour guide, a young man named Rudolph. The tour began at the Kremlin, proceeded to the Bolshoi, and then on to Red Square. Just after they'd arrived at the square, it began to drizzle a little and

Rudolph commented, "It's starting to rain. Perhaps we should return to your hotel." "No," said the husband. "It is only snowing. Let's continue the tour." Rudolph again insisted that it was raining and the husband again argued that it was snowing. Two or three more comments about the weather passed before the little woman poked her husband in the ribs and whispered,

"Better let him have his way. This is Russia and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

(Rudolph the Red nose reindeer).

Mike: Call me a doctor!

Ike: Why, are you very sick?

Mike: No, I just graduated from medical school!

(1. вызови мне; 2. называй меня).

Sam: What a smart dog to be able to play poker with you!

Fran: Not really. Whenever he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.

Bob: Every day my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.

Rob: The dog must enjoy that.

Bob: He sure does, but I think the tramp is getting a little tired of it.

(1. прогулка; 2. бродяга).

Ron: I only gamble for laughs.

Don: Me too. Last week I laughed away my car.

When Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply, why did the snakes disobey?

Because they were adders.

(1. multiply: умножать, размножаться; 2. add: складывать, прибавлять, приплюсовывать).

Nurse: Have your eyes been checked recently?

Patient: No, they've always been solid blue.

(1. проверять; 2. быть в клеточку).

Thief: Stick 'em down!

Cashier: Don't you mean stick 'em up?

Thief: Oh! No wonder I haven't made any money today!

(Вору не повезло, так как вместо «Руки вверх!» он говорил «Руки вниз!»)

Paul: You're welcome to stay with me overnight, but you'll have to make your own bed.

Saul: That's no problem.

Paul: OK, here's a hammer and saw.

(1. постелить свою постель; 2. изготовить себе постель).

A patient scheduled to undergo mouth surgery confided his most horrible fears to a nurse. "Will I die? Will I be disfigured? I don't know what's going to happen," he said to her. "Don't worry," the pretty nurse said. "Your surgeon is a specialist and you'll receive the best of care." "You're right," the patient responded. "I'll probably laugh about my fears after the surgery." "Laugh?" the nurse scoffed. "With no lips?"

Did you ever wonder - most nights we go to bed when we aren't a bit sleepy, but we get up the next morning and we're dead tired?

John: I get very nervous the way you drive around those sharp turns.

Sue: Just do what I do - close your eyes!

Joe: You're looking for a new cashier? I thought you'd just hired one!

Edna: I did - that's the one I'm looking for!

What is a pigskin for?

To hold a pig together.

How is an airline pilot like a football player?

They both like to make safe touchdowns.

(1. посадка; 2. гол).

What should a fullback do when he gets a handoff?

Go to a secondhand store.

(1. игра рукой в футболе; 2. отсечение руки).

Why did the football player do a commercial for shampoo?

He was troubled by split-ends.

(1. посеченные концы волос; 2. защитники команды противника).

What is a cheerleader's favorite color?

Дата добавления: 2015-07-19