Pro Boner

(Обыгрывается выражение ‘pro bono’ – лат. бескорыстно, честно, для общего блага)

1.	Two Viagra pills walk into a bar and sit next to two marijuana plants. The marijuana plants are lamenting about being illegal. The Viagra pills scoff at them. One marijuana turns to the pills and asks: «Don’t you think we should be legal?» «No,» the Viagra pills say. «We’re hard on drugs.»
	Drugs – 1. лекарства 2. наркотики Hard – эрегированный, hard-on – эрекция, To be hard (on smth) – 1. выступать против чего-либо, быть строгим по отношении к чему-то; 2. находиться в состоянии эрекции. Т.е. можно перевести «Мы противники наркотиков», а можно «Мы на таблетках возбуждаемся», «Мы торчим от таблеток».
2.	Viagra: The quicker pecker upper.
	Pecker – здесь: мужское достоинство.
3.	Viagra: When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
	Виагра: когда это абсолютно точно должно случиться сегодня вечером.
4.	Viagra: Reach out and touch someone.
	Виагра: Дотянись и дотронься.
5.	Viagra: Strong enough for a woman, but made for a man.
	Виагра: Хороша для женщины, но сделана для мужчины.
6.	Viagra: Tastes great! More filling!
	Виагра: На вкус замечательна! Еще лучше утоляет голод! (еще сильнее наполняет).
7.	Viagra: We bring good things to life!
	Виагра: Мы несем добро в мир! Если учесть, что еще одно значение выражения bring to life – оживлять, получается: Мы оживляем классные (но мертвые) штуки (вещи).
8.	This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
	Это ваш пенис. Это ваш пенис после приема лекарства. Есть вопросы?
	Q: Why do men name their penis? A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.
	Q: Почему мужчины дают имена своим пенисам? A: Они хотят быть на «ты» с тем, кто принимает большую часть их решений.
	What is the most insensitive part of a penis? - The man.
	- Какая часть пениса самая нечувствительная? - Мужчина.
	When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery." How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor asked "Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
	Когда мужчина в первый раз заметил, что его пенис стал длиннее, он обрадовался. Но через несколько недель продолжающегося роста он заволновался и решил обратиться к урологу. Пока жена ждала его снаружи, врач осмотрел пациента и сказал, что понадобится небольшая операция. Сразу по окончанию осмотра жена влетела к доктору и, узнав о диагнозе и необходимости операции, спросила: «А как долго он будет ходить на костылях?» «На костылях?» - изумился доктор. «Ну, да. Вы ведь собираетесь удлинить ему ноги, не так ли?»
	There was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. So he went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis. Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this "thing" sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady, "There ain't hardly no justice in this world." The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?" "Well," the first lady said, "When I was 20, I was curious about it." When I was 30, I enjoyed it." When I was 40, I asked for it." When I was 50, I paid for it." When I was 60, I prayed for it." When I was 70, I forgot about it." And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!" Здесь все понятно.
	New IRS Tax Policy GOVERNMENT NOTICE January 1, 1995 to: All Male Taxpayers From: IRSRE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P. The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts. Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form. * 12-10 inches --Luxury Tax --$50.00, 10-8 inches --Pole Tax --$30.00, 8-6 inches --Privilege Tax --$15.00, 6-4 inches --Nuisance Tax --$5.00. Please Note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund. - * Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains. Please do not request an extension. Sincerely, Pecker Checker Internal Revenue Services
	IRS – Internal Revenue Service – служба внутреннего налогообложения Eligible for a full refund – имеют право на полное возмещение затрат Capital gains – налог на прирост капитальной стоимости.
Далее следуют шутки, которые вы без труда поймете сами. Проверьте себя!
	This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis." No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
	An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted." To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me." "Of course," she smiled." I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while." The old woman saw no harm in it, so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurrence, and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis. One day, the woman went to the bench, but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she saw him and another woman - SHE was holding his penis! "What does SHE have that I don't?" She screeched. He looked up at her and smiled." Parkinson’s," he replied.
	Disadvantages of being a penis: 1. You've got a hole in your head. 2. Your master strangles you all the time. 3. Your head is smaller than the rest of you. 4. You shrink in cold water. 5. You never get a haircut. 6. You always hang around with 2 nuts. 7. Your closest neighbor is an asshole. 8. Your best friend is a pussy. 9. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish. 10. Every time you get excited, you throw up.
	10 things any woman would do if she had a penis: 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 9. Get a blowjob. 8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. 5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem. 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction, which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member, which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. 1. Repeat number 9...
	A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" - her husband said - "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,...it's up to you”.

Дата добавления: 2015-07-19