Yeller.

(1. орать, скандировать; 2. созвучно с произношением yellow)

Jack: How'd you break your arm?

Zed: I was playing football with a telephone booth.

Jack: What?

Zed: Yeah - I was trying to get my quarter back!

(1. получить обратно свою монетку в 25 центов; 2. quarterback – полузащитник в американском футболе).

Why was Cinderella such an awful basketball player?

Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

(1. карета; 2. тренер)

Why did the retired basketball player become a judge?

So he could stay on the court.

(1. суд; 2. баскетбольная площадка).

What is Wilt the Stilt's middle name?

The.

Reporter: Do you like all of your players to be tall, coach?

Basketball Coach: A player's height isn't important to me as long as his ears pop when he sits down.

Fan (arriving late): What's the score?

Friend: Eight to five.

Fan: Who's winning?

Friend: Eight.

Did you hear about the boy that does bird impressions?

He eats worms...

(пародирует птиц).

Pat and Mike bought two horses at a sale in County Cork, but the two horses looked so much alike that Pat said to Mike, "How are we gonna tell whose horse is whose?"

"We'll bob the tail of one of "em," said Mike.

By mistake the tails on both horses were bobbed, so Pat asked Mike what he thought they should do now.

"I'm going to need to think on this one," said Mike. "Until I can figure out what to do, you take the white one and I'll take the black."

(Очередная шутка про ирландцев).

What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take himfor a drag.

"Louisa, did you change the water in the goldfish bowl yet?"

"No, Mom. They haven't finished drinking what's in there yet."

"Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?"

"No, but in a restaurant one day I saw a man eating chicken!"

Why did they have to call off the leper's hockey game?

There was a face-off in the corner.

(обыгрывается хоккейный термин «вбрасывание»).

Joe: I paid my income taxes this morning.

Ed: Oh yeah? How'd it go?

Joe: Okay, I guess. The only thing I can compare it to is the way a cow must feel just after milking time.

Jim: So, Sam, how'd you do in Las Vegas?

Sam: Very well! I went there in a $10,000 automobile and came home in a $20,000 bus.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a track-and-field star?

A floppy discus thrower.

(звезда легкой атлетики).

A moron working on a road crew was instructed by his foreman to dig a hole next to the roadway. "But, what will I do with the dirt?" asked the moron.

"Don't be stupid," said his boss. "just dig another hole and bury it!"

A lady is playing the piano in her living room when there comes a knock on the door. Opening the door, the lady discovers a man in coveralls, carrying a tool box. "Yes?" she responds questioningly. I'm the piano tuner," he replies.

"But, I didn't call for a piano tuner."

"I know. Your neighbors did."

What are hippies for?

To keep your leggies up.

(уменьшительные формы от слов hip и leg).

What goes up a drainpipe down, but can't go down a drainpipe up?

An umbrella.

Why couldn't they sell soda-pop at the double-header? Because the home-team lost the opener.

(opener – 1. открывашка; 2. первая игра чемпионата).

What did the lion say to his friend when he saw two hunters drive by in a Jeep?

"Aha! Meals on wheels!"

(обыгрывается название-слоган компании, развозящей еду).

Doctor: Did you take my advice about your insomnia? Did you count sheep?

Patient: Yes I did. I counted to 482,354.

Doctor: And then did you fall asleep?

Patient: No, it was time to get up!

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. "And how did you get here, Mr. Brown?"

Mr. Brown replied, "Flu..."

(1. flu – грипп; 2. flew – прилетел).

A kind-hearted old-lady saw a little girl standing outside the school doors crying. "What's the matter, Miss?" asked the lady.

"Rheumatism," replied the student.

"Rheumatism? At your age?"

"Yes," replied the little girl. "I failed the test because I couldn't spell it!"

A boy was sitting on a street corner fishing in a bucket of water. A little-old-lady passing by took pity on the boy and gave him a quarter.

"How many have you caught today?" she asked with a smile.

The boy looked up, smiled back and said, "You're the seventh."

Jim: I'm glad I wasn't born in France.

Ed: Why?

Jim: I can't speak a word of French.

Customer: May I try on that blue suit in the window?

Salesman: No, sir. You'll have to use the dressing room.

A man staying at a very posh hotel had gone to use the swimming pool. As he paused on the upper-most diving board, arms raised, an attendant screamed out, "Don't dive!! There's no water in the pool!" "That's okay," the visitor declared. "I can't swim!"

Jim: They're not going to grow bananas any longer.

Ed: Why not?

Jim: They're long enough already!

Jim: This match you gave me won't light.

Ed: That's funny. It did this morning.

Jim: A loud noise woke me up very early this morning.

Ed: Oh, yeah? What was that?

Jim: The crack of dawn.

Policeman: Why'd you run away after you hit your ball through Ed's window?

Jim: Because I couldn't stand to see it go through all that pane!

Jennifer: Are you coming to my party?

Sandra: No, I ain't going.

Jennifer: Now, you know what the teacher told us. Not "ain't." It's 'I am not going, he is not going, she is not going and they are not going.'

Sandra: Isn't anyone going?

Jim: I got a set of drums for Christmas. Best present I ever got.

Ed: Why?

Jim: My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play them.

Did you hear about the little boy whose name was Glug-Glug? He was supposed to be named Jimmy, but during the baptism the priest fell in the font!

(купель для крещения).

A bum approached me on the street and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I haven't had a bite in weeks." So, I took pity on him - I bit him.

Tom: I wish you'd sing solo.

Laura: Solo?

Tom: Yeah - so low that I can't hear you.

Laura: Not very funny! Have you ever heard yourself sing? You should sing tenor.

Tom: Tenor?

Laura: Yeah - ten or eleven miles away!

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your half-eaten apple!

What increases by one-half its value when turned upside down?

The number six.

What's the only way to carry water in a sieve?

Freeze the water first.

One eighth grader in Fulton was falling in love for the first time. Unsure of himself around girls, he went to the library and took out a book on "How to Hug." It wasn't until he got home that he discovered he had checked out volume 10 of the encyclopedia.

Motorist: I'm sorry to say that I seem to have killed your cat, Ma'm. I feel very badly. Can I replace him?

Lady: I don't know - how good are you at catching mice?

An airplane carrying half American passengers and half Canadian passengers crashed on the Canadian-American border. Where did they bury the survivors?

Nowhere - the survivors are still alive.

Why does an Indian wear a feather headdress?

Дата добавления: 2015-07-19