To boot camp.

(boot camp – школа молодого бойца, новобранцев, где их учат маршировать).

Tourist: Is it true that the bears around here won't attack you if you're carrying a flashlight?

Park Ranger: That depends on how fast you're carrying the flashlight.

Dad: How'd you do on your history test yesterday?

Daughter: I nearly got a 100.

Dad: What do you mean - "nearly 100?"

Daughter: Well, I got the two zeros!

City boy: What is the name of your ranch?

Rancher: The XYZ Lazy R Double Diamond Circle Q Bar S Ranch.

City Boy: How many cattle do you have?

Rancher: Not many - for some reason, most of the calves don't survive the branding.

(естественно, представляете, как выглядит клеймо?)

The panhandler approached Uncle Stanley. "Kin ya spare 5 bucks for a cuppa joe?" he asked.

"Five dollars!" Stanley was taken aback. "That seems like a lot of money for a cup of coffee!"

"Well, ya see," said the bum, "it's me wife's boithday and I was hopin' to knock off early."

Two friends of long standing were sitting at the bar, drinking heavily. "John, old buddy," said one, staring into the bottom of his drink, "I hate to be the one who told you so, but your wife is really fickle!" John nodded his head somberly. "Ah! So she's dumped you too, ey?"

A love poem to your mama:

Roses are red,

Grass is green,

You've got a shape

Like a washing machine.

A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and passed the wallet back and forth. "Well boys" said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case of carp-to-carp walleting " (wall-to-wall carpeting).

A class of children from a nearby school was being led through the FBI's local offices. At one point the guide stopped to show them the wall of wanted posters, pointing to one in particular and saying, "This is the most wanted man in America."

One little boy pointed to a photograph and said, "Is that his picture?" The FBI agent assured the little boy that that was indeed, the photograph of the most wanted man. The boy looked at the agent and asked, "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Which is worth more...an old ten dollar bill or a new one?

An old ten dollar bill is always worth more than a new ONE.

Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet?

They can't decide whether to do him regular or extra-crispy.

(основатель знаменитой сети фаст-фуда KFC, славящейся своей курятиной в хрустящей корочке).

George Washington will go down in history for saying, " I cannot tell a lie."

Richard Nixon will go down in history for saying, "I cannot tell the truth."

And Ronald Reagan will go down in history for saying, "Uh,...I forgot!"

My neighbor has a dog that is a snob. His name is Fido, but he spells it Phydeaux.

To err is human, to moo is bovine.

Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via mail order?

It's called Suture Self.

(suit yourself).

Overheard in a petri dish...

"After they made you, Honey, they threw away the mold!"

(обыгрывается выражение when they made him they through away the mold, где mold означает литейную форму, т.е. таких больше не делают. В то же время mold – это еще и плесень, что меняет смысл высказывания).

A young lawyer on his first day on the job heard a knock on his door. Wanting to impress his visitor, he picked up his phone before inviting the guy in, then went through the motions of winding up a very important call as the stranger stood in front of the desk. Finally the lawyer looked up at his visitor and said, "What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from the phone company and I'm here to hook up your phone."

And remember the words of the wise philosopher, who once said... " A closed mouth gathers no feet."

(поговорка: a rolling stone gathers no moss – под лежачий камень вода не течет).

What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?

Gaelic breath.

A man went to a psychic for the first time. He knocked on the door and the psychic called out, "Who's there?" The man left.

Who was the fastest runner in history?

Adam. He was first in the human race.

(1. раса; 2. забег, бега, гонка).

At a gift shop, a customer asked about some jewelry. "And what is this necklace made of?" "Alligator teeth," said the clerk.

"Why is it more expensive than that pearl necklace over there?"

"Well, anyone can open an oyster..."

(логично!)

Why did the President and Mrs. Clinton send Chelsea to private school?

Because, in public school, the secret service agents would have been outgunned.

What do you get when you cross a bee and a dinner bell?

You get a little humdinger.

What's the best part about marrying an ugly woman?

In forty years she won't look any uglier.

Why did the groom-to-be commit suicide just before the wedding?

Better dead than wed!

What's the number one cause of divorce?

Marriage.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts!

What makes the floors of a basketball court get so wet?

The players... they dribble a lot!!

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Дата добавления: 2015-07-19