Common Questions About Asking for Support

This first step can be difficult. Here are some common questions, which give clues to both the objections and the resistance that women may have:

1. Question: A woman might feel, Why should I have to ask him when I don't require him to ask me?

Answer: Remember, men are from Mars; they are different. By accepting and working with his differences you will get what you need. If, instead, you try to change him he will stubbornly resist. Although asking for what you want is not second nature to Venusians, you can do it without giving up who you are. When he feels loved and appreciated he will gradually become more willing to offer his support without being asked. That is a later stage.

2. Question: A woman may feel, Why should I appreciate what he does when I am doing more?

Answer: Martians give less when they do not feel appreciated. If you want him to give more, then what he needs is more appreciation. Men are motivated by appreciation. If you are giving more it may, of course, be hard to appreciate him. Gracefully begin to give less so that you can appreciate him more. By making this change, not only are you supporting him in feeling loved, but you will also get the support you need and deserve.

3. Question: A woman may feel, If I have to ask him for support, he may think he is doing me a favor.

Answer: This is how he should feel. A gift of love is a favor. When a man feels he is doing you a favor, He is then giving from his heart. Remember, he's a Martian and doesn't keep score the way you do. If he feels that you are telling him he is obligated to give, his heart closes and he gives less.

4. Question: A woman may feel, If he loves me he should just offer his support, I shouldn't have to ask.

Answer: Remember men are from Mars; they are different. Men wait to be asked. Instead of thinking, If he loves me he will offer his support, consider this thought, If he were a Venusian he would offer his support, but he's not, he's a Martian. By accepting this difference, he will be much more willing to support you, and gradually he will begin to offer his support.

5. Question: A woman may feel, If I have to ask for things he will think I am not giving as much as he is. I am afraid, he may feel like he doesn't have to give me more!

Answer: A man is more generous when he feels as though he doesn't have to give. In addition, when a man hears a woman asking for support (in a respectful way), what he also hears is that she feels entitled to that support. He does not assume she has given less. Quite the contrary, he assumes she must be giving more or at least as much as he is, and that is why she feels good about asking.

6. Question: A woman may feel, When I ask for support, I am afraid to be brief. I want to explain why I need his help. I don't want to appear demanding.

Answer: When a man hears a request from his partner, he trusts she has good reasons for asking. If she gives him a lot of reasons why he should fulfill her request, he feels as though he can't say no, and if he can't say no then he feels manipulated or taken for granted. Let him give you a gift instead of taking his support for granted. If he needs to understand more he will ask why. Then it is OK to give reasons. Even when he asks, be careful not to be too lengthy. Give one, or at most, two reasons. If he still needs more information, he'll let you know.

Step 2: Practice Asking For More (Even When You Know He May Say No)

Before attempting to ask a man for more, make sure he feels appreciated for what he is already giving. By continuing to ask for his support without expecting him to do more than he has been doing he will feel not only appreciated but also accepted. When he is used to hearing you ask for his support without wanting more, he feels loved in your presence. He feels he doesn't have to change to get your love. At this point he will be willing to change and stretch his ability to support you. At this point you can risk asking for more without giving him the message that he is not good enough. The second step of this process is to let him realize that he can say no and still receive your love. When he feels that he can say no when you ask for more, he will feel free to say yes or no. Keep in mind that men are much more willing to say yes if they have the freedom to say no. It's important that women learn both how to ask and how to accept no for an answer. Women usually intuitively feet what their partner's response will be even before they ask. If they sense that he will resist their request, they won't even bother asking. Instead, they will feel rejected. He, of course, will have no idea what happened, all this has gone on in her head.

In step 2, practice asking for support in all those situations where you would want to ask but don't because you feel his resistance. Go ahead and ask for support even if you sense his resistance; even if you know he will say no. For example, a wife might say to her husband, who is focused on watching the news, "Would you go to the grocery store and pick up some salmon for dinner?" When she asks this question, she is already prepared for him to say no. He is probably completely surprised because she has never interrupted him with a request like this before. He will probably make some excuse like "I am right in the middle of watching the news. Can't you do it?" She may feel like saying "Sure I could do it. But I am always doing everything around here. I don't like being your servant. I want some help!" When you ask and sense you will get a rejection, prepare yourself for the no and have a ready answer like "OK." If you want to be really Martian in your response, you could say "no problem", that would be music to his ears. A simple "OK" is fine, however. It is important to ask and then act as if it is perfectly OK for him to say no. Remember, you're making it safe for him to refuse. Use this approach only for situations that are really OK if he says no. Pick situations where you would appreciate his support but rarely ask for it. Make sure

you will feel comfortable if he says no. These are some examples of what I mean:

1- He is working on something and you want him to pick up the kids. Normally you wouldn't bother him, and so you do it yourself. You say "Would you pick up Julie, she just called?" If he says no, then graciously and simply say "OK."

2- He normally comes home and expects you to make dinner. You want him to make dinner, but never ask. You sense he resists cooking. You say "Would you help me cut the potatoes?" or "Would you make dinner tonight?" If he says no, then graciously and simply say "OK."

3- He normally watches TV after dinner while you wash the dishes. You want him to wash them, or at least help, but you never ask. You sense he hates doing dishes. May be you don't mind it as much as he does, so you go ahead and do it. You say "Would you help me with the dishes tonight?" or "Would you bring in the plates?" or wait for an easy night and say "Would you do the dishes tonight?" If he says no then graciously and simply say "OK. "

4- He wants to go to a movie and you want to go dancing. Normally you sense his desire to see the movie and you don't bother asking to go dancing. You say "Would you take me dancing tonight? I love to dance with you." If he says no, then graciously and simply say "OK."

5- You are both tired and ready to go to bed. The trash is collected the next morning. You sense how tired he is, so you don't ask him to bring the trash out. You say "Would you take the trash out?" If he says no, then graciously and simply say "OK."

6- He is very busy and preoccupied with an important project. You don't want to distract him because you sense how focused he is, but you also want to talk with him. Normally you would sense his resistance and not ask for some time. You say "Would you spend some time with me?" If he says no, then graciously and simply say "OK."

7- He is focused and busy, but you need to pick up your car, which has been in the shop. Normally you anticipate how difficult it will be for him to rearrange his schedule and you don't ask him for a ride. You say "Would you give me a ride today to pick up my car? It's being repaired." If he says no, then graciously and simply say "OK."

In each of the above examples, be prepared for him to say no and practice being accepting and trusting. Accept his no and trust that he would offer support if he could. Each time you ask a man for support and he isn't made wrong for saying no, he gives you between five and ten points. Next time you ask he will be more responsive to your request. In a sense, by asking for his support in a loving way, you are helping him stretch his ability to give more.

I first learned this from a woman employee years ago. We were working on a nonprofit project and needed volunteers. She was about to call Tom, who was a friend of mine. I told her not to bother because I already knew he would not be able to help this time. She said she would call anyway. I asked her why, and she said, "When I call I will ask for his support, and when he says no I will be very gracious and understanding. Then next time, when I call for a future project, he will be more willing to say yes. He will have a positive memory of me." She was right. When you ask a man for support and you do not reject him for saying no, he will remember that, and next time he will be much more willing to give. On the other hand, if you quietly sacrifice your needs and don't ask, he won't have any idea how many times he is needed. How could he know if you don't ask? As you gently continue to ask for more, occasionally your partner will be able to stretch his comfort zone and say yes. At this point it has become safe to ask for more. This is one way healthy relationships are built.

Дата добавления: 2015-07-19