Healthy Relationships

A relationship is healthy when both partners have permission to ask for what they want and need, and they both have permission to say no if they choose. For example, I remember standing in the kitchen with a family friend one day when our daughter Lauren was five years old. She asked me to lift her up and do tricks, and I said, "No, I can't today. I am real tired." She persisted, asking playfully, "Please, Daddy, please, Daddy, just one flip." The friend said, "Now, Lauren, your father is tired. He has worked hard today. You shouldn't ask." Lauren. immediately responded by saying, "I am just asking!" "But you know your father loves you," my friend said. "He can't say no to you." (The truth is, if he can't say no, that's his problem, not hers.) Immediately my wife and all three daughters said, "Oh yes he can!" I was proud of my family. It has taken a lot of work, but gradually we have learned to ask for support and also to accept no.

STEP 3: PRACTICE ASSERTIVE ASKING

Once you have practiced step 2 and you can graciously accept a no, you are ready for step 3. In this step you assert your full power to get what you want. You ask for his support, and if he starts making excuses and resists your request, you don't say "OK" as in step 2. Instead you practice making it OK that he resists but continue waiting for him to say yes.

Let's say he is on his way to bed, and you ask him for something. He starts to grumble out. If you know that grumbles are just grumbles and are often his way of starting to say yes, your response will be silence. Your silence is a signal that you trust that he is stretching inside and about to say yes. Stretching is another way to understand a man's resistance to your requests. Whenever you ask for more, he has to stretch himself. If he is not in shape, he can't do it. That is why you have to prepare a man for step 3 by moving through steps 1 and 2. In addition, you know that it is more difficult to stretch in the morning. Later in the day you can stretch much farther and easier. When a man grumbles, just imagine that he is stretching in the morning. Once he has finished stretching he will feel great. He just needs to grumble first.

Дата добавления: 2015-07-19