What Men Want to Be Asked

When I explain this distinction between the C words and the W words in my seminars, women tend to think I am making a big deal over nothing. To women there is not much difference, in fact, "could you?" may even seem more polite than "would you?" But to many men it is a big difference. Because this distinction is so important, I'm including comments by seventeen different men who attended my seminars.

1. When I am asked "Could you clean up the backyard" I really take it literally. I say, "I could do it, sure it's possible." But I am not saying "I will do it," and I certainly don't feel like I am making a promise to do it. On the other hand, when I am asked " Would you clean up the backyard" I begin to make a decision, and I am willing to be supportive. If I say yes, the chances of my remembering to do it are much greater because I have made a promise.

2. When she says "I need your help. Could you please help?" it sounds critical, like somehow I have already failed her. It doesn't feel like an invitation to be the good guy I want to be and support her. On the other hand, "I need your help. Would you please carry this?" sounds like a request and an opportunity to be the good guy. I want to say yes.

3. When my wife says "Can you change Christopher's diaper?" I think inside, Sure I can change it. I am capable, and a diaper is a simple thing to change. But then if I don't feel like doing it I might make sonic excuse. Now, if she asked "Would youchange Christopher's diaper?" I would say "Yeah, sure," and do it. Inside I would feel, I like to participate and I enjoy helping raise our children. I want to help!

4. When I am asked "Would you help me please?" it gives me an opportunity to help, and I am more than willing to support her, but when I hear "Could youhelp me please?'' I feel backed up against the wall, as if I have no choice. lf I have the ability to help then I am expected to help! l don't feel appreciated.

5. 1 resent being asked "could you." I feel like I have no choice but to say yes. If I say no she will be upset with me. It is not a request but a demand.

6. I keep myself busy, or at least pretend to be busy so that the woman I work with doesn't ask me the "could you" question. With "would you" I feel I have a choice, and I want to help.

7. Just this last week my wife asked me, "Could you plant the flowers today?" and without hesitation 1 said yes. Then when she came home she asked, " Did you plant the flower?" I said no. She said, "Could you do it tomorrow? " and again, without hesitation, I Said yes. This happened every day this week, and the flowers are still not planted. I think if she had asked me "Would you plant the flowers tomorrow?" I would have thought about it, and if I had said yes I would have done it.

8. When I say "Yes, I could do that" I am not committing myself to doing it. I am just saying that I could do it. I have not promised to do it. If she gets upset with me I feel like she doesn't have a right. If I say I will do it, then I can understand why she is upset if I don't do it.

9. I grew up with five sisters, and now I am married and have three daughters. When my wife says "Can you bring out the trash?" I just don't answer. Then she asks "why?" and I don't even know. Now I realize why. I feel controlled. I can respond to "would you?"

10. When I hear a "could you" I'll immediately say yes, and then over the next ten minutes I will realize why I'm not going to do it and then ignore the question. But when I hear a "will you" a part of me comes up saying "Yes, I want to be of service," and then even if objections come up later in my mind, I will still fulfill her request because I have given my word.

11. I will say yes to a "can you," but inside I resent her. I feel that if I say no she will throw a fit. I feel manipulated. When she asks "would you," I feet free to say yes or no. It is then my choice, and then I want to say yes.

12. When a woman asks me "Would you do this?" I feel assured inside that I am going to get a point for this. I feel appreciated and happy to give.

13. When I hear a "would you" I feel I am being trusted to serve. But when I hear a "can you" or "could you" I hear a question behind the question. She is asking me if I can empty the trash when it is obvious that I could. But behind her question is the request, which she doesn't trust me enough to directly ask.

14. When a woman asks "would you" or "will you" I feel her vulnerability. I am much more sensitive to her and her needs; I definitely don't want to reject her. When she says "could you" I am much more apt to say no because I know it is not a rejection of her. It is simply an impersonal statement saying I can't do it. She won't take it personally if I say no to a "Could you do this?"

15. For me, "would you" makes it personal, and I want to give, but "could you" makes it impersonal, and I will give if it is convenient or if I don't have anything else to do.

16. When a woman says "Could you please help me?" I can feel her resentment and I will resist her, but if she says "Would you please help me" I can't hear any resentment, even if there is some. I am willing to say yes.

17. When a woman says "Could you do this for me?" I get kind of honest and say "I'd rather not." The lazy part of me comes out. But when I hear a "Would you please?" I become creative and start thinking of ways to help.

One way women are sure to relate to the significant difference between would and could is to reflect for a moment on this romantic scene. Imagine a man proposing marriage to a woman. His heart is full, like the moon shining above. Kneeling before her, he reaches out to hold her hands. Then he gazes up into her eyes and gently says, "Could you marry me?" Immediately the romance is gone. Using the C word he appears weak and unworthy. In that moment, he reeks of insecurity and low self-esteem. If instead he said "Would you marry me?" then both his strength and vulnerability are present. That is the way to propose. Similarly, a man requires that a woman propose her requests in this manner. Use the W words. The C words sound too untrusting, indirect, weak, and manipulative. When she says "Could you empty the trash?" the message he receives is "If you canempty it then you should do it. I would do it for you!" From his point of view he feels it is obvious that he cando it. In neglecting to ask for his support he feels she is manipulating him or taking him for granted. He doesn't feel trusted to be there for her if he can. I remember one woman in a seminar explaining the difference in Venusian terms. She said, "At first I couldn't feel the difference between these two ways of asking. But then I turned it around. It feels very different to me when he says 'No, I can'tdo it' versus 'No, I will not do it.' The 'I will not do it' is a personal rejection. If he says 'I can't do it' then it is no reflection on me, it is just that hecan't do it.

Дата добавления: 2015-07-19