Lf Our Past Were Different

Had our past been different, we would have watched our father successfully and lovingly listen to our mother expand and express her frustrations and disappointments. Daily we would have experienced our father giving our mother the loving caring and understanding that she needed from her loving husband. We would have watched our mother trusting our father and sharing her feelings openly, without disapproving or blaming him. We would have experienced how a person could be upset without pushing someone away with mistrust, emotional manipulation, avoidance, disapproval, condescension, or coldness. Throughout our eighteen years of growing up we would gradually be able to master our own emotions just as we have mastered walking or math. It would be a learned skill, like walking, jumping, singing, reading, and balancing a checkbook. But it didn't happen that way for most of us. Instead we spent eighteen years learning unsuccessful communication skills. Because we lack education in how to communicate feelings, it is a difficult and seemingly insurmountable task to communicate lovingly when we are having negative feelings. To come to understand how difficult this is, consider your answers to these following questions:

1. When you are feeling angry or resentful, how do you express love if, while you were growing up, your parents either argued or conspired to avoid arguing?

2. How do you get your kids to listen to you without yelling or punishing them if your parents yelled and punished you to maintain control?

3. How do you ask for more support if, even as a child, you felt repeatedly neglected and disappointed?

4. How do you open up and share your feelings if you are afraid of being rejected?

5. How do you talk to your partner if your feelings say "I hate you"?

6. How do you say "I am sorry" if, as a child, you were punished for making mistakes?

7. How can you admit your mistakes if you are afraid of punishment and rejection?

8. How can you show your feelings if, as a child, you were repeatedly rejected or judged for been upset and crying?

9. How are you supposed to ask for what you want if, as a child, you were repeatedly made to feel wrong for wanting more?

10. How are you even supposed to know what you are feeling if your parents didn't have the time, patience, or awareness to ask you how you were feeling or what was bothering you?

11. How can you accept your partner's imperfections if, as a child, you felt you had to be perfect to be worthy of love?

12. How can you listen to your partner's painful feelings if no one listened to yours?

13. How can you forgive if you were not forgiven?

14. How are you supposed to cry and heal your pain and grief if, as a child, you were repeatedly told "Don't cry" or "When are you going to grow up?" or "Only babies cry"?

15. How can you bear your partner's disappointment if, as a child, you were made to feel responsible for our mother's pain long before you could understand that you were not responsible?

16. How can you hear your partner's anger if, as a child, your mother or father took their frustrations out on you through yelling and being demanding?

17. How do you open up and trust your partner if the first people you trusted with your innocence betrayed you in some way?

18. How are you supposed to communicate your feelings lovingly and respectfully if you haven't had eighteen years of practice without the threat of being rejected and abandoned?

The answer to all these eighteen questions is the same. It is possible to learn loving communication, but we need to work at it. We have to make up for the eighteen years of neglect. No matter how perfect our parents were, nobody is really perfect. If you have problems communicating, it is neither a curse nor all your partner's fault. It is simply a lack of having the correct training and the safety to practice. In reading the above questions, you may have had some feelings come up. Don't waste this special opportunity to heal yourself. Take twenty minutes right now and write one of your parents a Love Letter. Simply get a pen and some paper and begin expressing your feelings, using the Love Letter format. Try it now, and you will be amazed at the outcome.

Дата добавления: 2015-07-19