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Jean left a message for her husband, Bill, saying that she wanted him to bring some important mail home. Somehow, Bill never got the message. When he arrived home without the mail, Jean's reaction was strong frustration and disappointment. Although Bill was not at fault, when jean continued making comments about how much she needed that mail and how frustrated she was, he started to feel blamed and attacked. Jean did not realize that Bill was taking personally all her feelings of frustration and disappointment. Bill was about to explode and make her wrong for being so upset. Instead of dumping his defensive feelings on her and ruining their evening, he wisely decided to take ten minutes and write a Love Letter. When he finished writing, he came back more loving and gave his wife a hug, saying, "I am sorry you didn't get your mail. I wish I had gotten that message. Do you still love me anyway?" Jean responded with a lot of love and appreciation, and they had a wonderful evening instead of a cold war.
This is Bill's Love Letter:
Dear Jean,
Anger.. I hate when you get so upset. I hate when you blame me. I am angry that you are so unhappy. I am angry that you are not happy to see me. It feels like nothing I do is ever enough. I want you to appreciate me and be happy to see me.
2. Sadness.. I am sad that you are so frustrated and disappointed. I am sad that you are not happy with me. I want you to be happy. I am sad that work is always getting in the way of our love life. I am sad that you don't appreciate all the wonderful things we have in our lives. I am sad I didn't come home with the mail you needed.
3. Fear.. I am afraid I can't make you happy. I am afraid you will be unhappy all evening. I am afraid to be open with you or be close to you. I am afraid of needing your love. I am afraid I am not good enough. I am afraid you will hold this against me.
4. Regret.. I am sorry that I didn't bring home the mail. I am sorry you are so unhappy. I am sorry that I didn't think to call you. I didn't want to upset you. I wanted you to be happy to see me. We have a four day holiday and I want it to be special.
S. Love.. I love you. I want you to be happy. I understand that you are upset. I understand that you need some time to just be upset. I know that you are not trying to make me feel bad. You just need a hug and some empathy. I am sorry. Sometimes I don't know what to do and I start making you be in the wrong. Thank you for being my wife. I love you so much. You don't have to be perfect and you don't have to be happy. I understand that you are upset about the mail.
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| Dear Jim, | | | I love you, Bill |