Yes to the movies, I had no idea that she was sacrificing her wants to make me happy. This insight has practical applications for both men and women.

For Men: Remember that if she says yes to your requests, it doesn't mean the score is even. The score may be twenty to zero in her mind and she will still happily say "Sure I'll pick up your clothes at the cleaners" or "OK, I'll make that call for you." Agreeing to doing what you want doesn't mean that it's what she wants. Ask her what she wants to do. Collect information about what she likes, and then offer to take her to those places.

For Women: Remember that if you immediately say yes to a man's requests, he gets the idea that he has given more or that the score is at least even. If you are giving more and getting less, stop saying yes to his requests. Instead, in a graceful way, begin asking him to do more for you.

5. Martians Give Penalty Points. Women don't realize that men give penalty points when they feel unloved and unsupported. When a woman reacts to a man in an untrusting, rejecting, disapproving, or unappreciative way, he gives minus or penalty points. For example, if a man feels hurt or unloved because his wife has failed to appreciate something he's done, he feels justified in taking away the points she has already earned. If she has given ten, when he feels hurt by her, he may react to her by taking away her ten points. If he is more hurt he may even give her a negative twenty. As a result she now owes him ten points, when a minute before she had ten points. This is very confusing to a woman. She may have given the equivalent of thirty points, and then in one angry moment he takes them away. In his mind he feels justified in not giving anything because she owes him. He thinks it is fair. This may be fair mathematically, but it is not really fair. Penalty points are destructive to relationships. They make a woman feel unappreciated and a man less giving. If he negates in his mind all the loving support she has given, when she does express some negativity, which is bound to happen occasionally, he then loses his motivation to give. He becomes passive. This fifth insight has practical applications for both men and women.

For Men: Remember that penalty points are not fair and do not work. At moments when you feel unloved, offended or hurt, forgive her and remember all the good she has given rather than penalize her by negating it all. Instead of punishing her, ask her for the support you want, and she will give it. Respectfully let her know how she has hurt you. Let her know how she has hurt you and then give her an opportunity to apologize. Punishment does not work! You will feel much better by giving her a chance to give you what you need. Remember she is a Venusian, she doesn't know what you need or how she hurts you.

For Women: Remember that men have this tendency to give penalty points. There are two approaches to protect yourself from this abuse. The first approach is to recognize that he is wrong in taking away your points. In a respectful way let him know how you feel. In the next chapter we will explore ways to express difficult or negative feelings. The second approach is to recognize he takes away points when he feels unloved and hurt and he immediately gives them back when he feels loved and supported. As he feels more and more loved for the little things he does, he will gradually give penalty points less and less. Try to understand the different ways he needs love so that he doesn't get hurt as much. When you are able to recognize how he has been hurt, let him know that you are sorry. Most important, then give him the love he didn't get. If he feels unappreciated, give him the appreciation he needs; if he feels rejected or manipulated, give him the acceptance he needs; if he feels mistrusted, give him the trust he needs; if he feels put down, give him the admiration that he needs; if he feels disapproval, give him the approval he needs and deserves. When a man feels loved he will quit using penalty points. The most difficult part of the above process is knowing what hurt him. For the most part, when a man withdraws into his cave, he doesn't know what hurt him. Then, when he comes out, he generally doesn't talk about it. How is a woman supposed to know what actually hurts his feelings? Reading this book and understanding how men need love differently is a good beginning and gives you an edge that women have never had before. The other way a woman can learn what happened is through communication. As I have mentioned before, the more a woman is able to open up and share her feelings in a respectful way, the more a man is able to learn to open up and share his hurt and pain.

Дата добавления: 2015-07-19