Scoring Points with the Opposite Sex

A man thinks he scores high with a woman when he does something very big for her, like buying her a new car or taking her on a vacation. He assumes he scores less when he does something small, like opening the car door, buying her a flower, or giving her a hug. Based on this kind of score keeping, he believes he will fulfill her best by focusing his time, energy, and attention into doing something large for her. This formula, however, doesn't work because women keep score differently. When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value. Its size doesn't matter; it gets a point. A man, however, thinks he scores one point for one small gift and thirty points for a big gift. Since he doesn't understand that women keep score differently, he naturally focuses his energies into one or two big gifts. A man doesn't realize that to a woman the little things are just as important as the big things. In other words, to a woman, a single rose gets as many points as paying the rent on time. Without understanding this basic difference in score keeping, men and women are continually frustrated and disappointed in their relationships. The following case illustrates this:

In counseling, Pam said, "I do so much for Chuck and he ignores me. All he cares about is his work." Chuck said, "But my work pays for our beautiful house and allows us to go on vacations. She should be happy." Pam replied, "I don't care about this house or the vacations if we are not loving each other. I need more from you." Chuck said, "You make it sound like you give so much more." Pam said, "I do. I am always doing things for you. I do the wash, fix the meals, clean the House; everything. You do one thing; you go to work, which does pay the bills. But then you expect me to do everything else." Chuck is a successful doctor. Like most professionals his work is very time consuming but very profitable. He couldn't understand why his wife, Pam, was so discontent. He earned a "good living" and he provided a "good life" for his wife and family, but when he came home his wife was unhappy. In Chuck's mind, the more money he made at work, the less he needed to do at, home to fulfill his wife. He thought his hefty paycheck at the end of the month scored him at least thirty points. When he opened his own clinic and doubled his income, he assumed he was now scoring sixty points a month. He had no idea that his paycheck earned him only one point each month with Pam, no matter how big it was. Chuck did not realize that from Pam's point of view, the more he earned, the less she got. His new clinic required more time and energy. To pick up the slack she began to do even more to manage their personal life and relationship. As she gave more, she felt as if she was scoring about sixty points a month to his one. This made her very unhappy and resentful. Pam felt she was giving much more and getting less. From Chuck's point of view he was now giving more (sixty points) and should get more from his wife. In his mind the score was even. He was satisfied with their relationship except for one thing; she wasn't happy. He blamed her for wanting too much. To him, his increased pay equaled what she was giving. This attitude made Pam even more angry.

After listening to my relationship course on tape, both Pam and Chuck were able to let go of their blame and solve their problem with love. A relationship headed for divorce was transformed. Chuck learned that doing little things for his wife made a big difference. He was amazed at how quickly things changed when he started devoting more time and energy to her. He began to appreciate that for a woman little things are just as important as big things. He now understood why his work scored only one point. Actually, Pam had good reason to be unhappy. She truly needed Chuck's personal energy, effort, and attention much more than their wealthy lifestyle. Chuck discovered that by spending less energy making money and devoting just a little more energy in the right direction. his wife would be much happier. He recognized that he had been working longer hours in hopes of making her happier. Once he understood how she kept score, he could come home with a new confidence because he knew how to make her happy.

Дата добавления: 2015-07-19