The anatomy of an argument

1. When He Comes Home Late:

When he arrives late she says: "How could you be so late?" or "There is no good reason for you to be late! Why didn't you call?" or "What am I supposed to think?".

The message he hears is "You are irresponsible. I would never be late. I am better than you."

When he arrives late and she is upset he explains "There was a lot of traffic on the bridge- or "Sometimes life can't be the way you want" or "You can't expect me to always be on time."

What she hears is "You shouldn't be upset because I have these good and logical reasons for being late. Anyway my work is more important than you, and you are too demanding!"

Now she can be less disapproving. She could say " I really don't like it when you are late. It is upsetting to me. I would really appreciate a call next time you are going to be late."

Now he can be more validating. He says "I was late, I'm sorry I upset you." (Most important is to just listen without explaining much.) Try to understand and validate what she needs to feel loved.

2. When He Forgets Something:

When he forgets to do something, she says "How could you forget?" or "When will you ever remember?" or "How am I supposed to trust you?"

The message he hears is "There is no good reason for forgetting. You are stupid and can't be trusted. I give so much more to this relationship. "

When he forgets to do something and she gets upset he explains "I was real busy and just forgot. These things just happen sometimes" or "It's not such a big deal. It doesn't mean I don't care."

What she hears is "You shouldn't get so upset over such trivial matters. You are being too demanding and your response is irrational. Try to be more realistic. You live in a fantasy world."

Now she can be less disapproving. If she is upset, she could say "I don't like it when you forget." She could also take another effective approach and simply not mention being angry that he has forgotten something and just ask again, saying "I would appreciate it if you would….. " (He will know he has forgotten.)

Now he can be more validating. He says "I did forget, Are you angry with me?" Then let her talk without making her wrong. As she talks she will realize she is being heard and soon she will feel very appreciative of him.

3. When He Returns from His Cave:

When he comes back from his cave, she says "How could you be so unfeeling and cold?" or "How do you expect me to react?" or"How am I supposed to know what's going on inside you?"

The message he hears is "There's no good reason for pulling away from me. You are cruel and unloving. You are the wrong man for me. You have hurt me so much more than I have ever hurt you."

When he comes back from his cave and she is upset he explains "I feel hurt or abandoned, I needed some time alone, it was only for two days. What is the big deal?" or "I didn't do anything to you. Why does it upset you so?"

What she hears is "You shouldn't be upset and if you do, I have no empathy for you. You are too needy and controlling. I will do whatever I want, I don't care about your feelings."

Now she can be less disapproving. If it upsets her she could say "I know you need to pull away at times but it still hurts when you pull away. I'm not saying you are wrong but it is important to me for you to understand what I go through."

Now he can be more validating. He says "I understand it hurts when I pull away. It must be very painful for you when I pull away. Let's talk about it." (When she feels heard then it is easier for her to accept his need to pull away at times.)

4. When He Disappoints Her:

When he disappoints her, she says: "How could you do this?" or "Why can't you do what you say you are going to do?'' or "Didn't you say you would do it?" or "When will you ever learn?"

The message he hears is "There is no good reason for disappointing me. You are an idiot. You can't do anything right. I can't be happy until you change!"

When she is disappointed with him, he explains "Hey, next time I'll get it right" or "It's not such a big deal" or "But I didn't know what you meant."

What she hears is "If you are upset it is your fault. You should be more flexible. You shouldn't get upset, and I have no empathy for you.

Now she can be less disapproving. If she is upset she could say "I don't like being disappointed. I thought you were going to call. It's OK and I need you to know how it feels when you "

Now he can be more validating. He says: "I understand I disappointed you. Let's talk about it. How did you feel?" Again let her talk. Give her a chance to be heard and she will feel better. After a while say to her "What do you need from me now to feel my support?" or "How can I support you now?"

5. When He Doesn't Respect Her Feelings and Hurts Her:

When he doesn't respect her feelings and hurts her. she says "How could you say that?" or "How could you treat me this way?" or "Why can't you listen to me?" or "Do you even care about me any more?" or "Do I treat you this way?"

The message he hears is "You are a bad and abusive person. I am so much more loving than you. I will never forgive you for this. You should be punished and cast out. This is all your fault."

When he doesn't respect her feelings and she gets even more upset, he explains "Look, I didn't mean that" or "I do listen to you; see I am doing so right now" or "I don't always ignore you" or "I am not laughing at you."

What she hears is "You have no right to be upset. You are not making any sense. You are too sensitive, something is wrong with you. You are such a burden."

Now she can be less disapproving. She could say "I don't like the way you are talking to me. Please stop" or "You are being mean and I don't appreciate it. I want to take a time-out" or "This is not the way I wanted to have this conversation. Let's start over" or "I don't deserve to be treated this way. I want to take a time-out" or "Would you please not interrupt" or "Would you please listen to what I am saying." (A man can respond best to short and direct statements. Lectures or questions are counterproductive.)

He says "I'm sorry, you don't deserve to be treated that way." Take a deep breath and just listen to her response. She may carry on and say something like "You never listen." When she pauses, say "You are right. Sometimes I don't listen. I'm sorry, you don't deserve to be treated that way. Let's start over. This time we will do it better." Starting a conversation over is an excellent way to keep an argument from escalating. If she doesn't want to start over don't make her feel wrong. Remember, if you give her the right to be upset then she will be more accepting and approving.

6. When He Is in a Hurry and She Doesn't Like It:

She complains "Why are we always in a hurry?" or "Why do you always have to rush places?"

The message he hears is "There is no good reason for this rushing! You never make me happy. Nothing will ever change you. You are incompetent and obviously you don't care about me."

He explains "it's not so bad" or "This is the way it has always been" or "There is nothing we can do about it now" or "Don't worry so much; it will be fine."

What she hears is "You have no right to complain. You should be grateful for what you have and not be such a dissatisfied and unhappy person. There is no good reason to complain, you are bringing everyone down."

Now she can be less disapproving: If she feels upset she can say "It's OK that we are rushing and I don't like it. It feels like we're always rushing" or "I love it when we are not in a hurry and I hate it sometimes when we have to rush, I just don't like it. Would you plan our next trip with fifteen minutes of extra time?"

New he can be more validating: He says "I don't like it either. I wish we could just slow down. It feels so crazy." In this example he has related to her feelings. Even if a part of him likes to rush, he can best support her in her moment of frustration by expressing how some part of himself sincerely relates to her frustration.

7. When She Feels Invalidated in a Conversation:

When she feels unsupported or invalidated in a conversation, she says "Why did you say that?" or "Why do you have to talk to me this way?" or "Don't you even care about what I'm saying?" or "How can you say that?"

The message he hears is "There is no good reason for treating me this way. Therefore you do not love me. You do not care. I give you so much and you give back nothing!"

When she feels invalidated and gets upset, he explains "But you are not making sense" or "But that is not what I said" or "I've heard all this before."

What she hears is "You have no right to be upset. You are irrational and confused. I know what is right and you don't. I am superior to you. You cause these arguments, not me."

Now she can be less disapproving: She could say "I don't like what you are saying. It feels as if you are judging me. I don't deserve that. Please understand me." or "I've had a hard day. I know this is not your fault. And I need you to understand what I'm feeling." Or she can simply overlook his comments and ask for what she wants, saying "I am in such a bad mood, would you listen to me for a while? It will help me feel much better." (Men need lots of encouragement to listen.)

Now he can be more validating: He says "I'm sorry it's not comfortable for you. What are you hearing me say?" By giving her a chance to reflect back what she has heard then he can again say: "I'm sorry. I understand why you didn't like it." Then simply pause. This is a time to listen. Resist the temptation to explain to her that she is misinterpreting what you said. Once the hurt is there it needs to be so heard if it is to be healed. Explanations are helpful only after the hurt is healed with some validation and caring understanding.

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Дата добавления: 2015-07-19