Avoiding Arguments Through Loving Communications

Emotionally charged arguments and quarrels can be avoided if we can understand what our partner needs and remember to give it. The following story illustrates how when a woman communicates directly her feelings and when a man validates those feelings an argument can be avoided.

I remember once leaving for a vacation with my wife. As we drove off in the car and could finally relax from a hectic week, I expected Bonnie to be happy that we were going on such a great vacation. Instead she gave a heavy sigh and said, "I feel like my life is a long, slow torture." I paused, took a deep breath, and then replied, "I know what you mean, I feel like they are squeezing every ounce of life out of me." As I said this I made a motion as if I were wringing the water out of a rag. Bonnie nodded her head in agreement and to my amazement she suddenly smiled and then changed the subject. She started talking about how excited she was to go on this trip. Six years ago this would not have happened. We would have had an argument and I would have mistakenly blamed it on her. I would have been upset with her for saying her life was a long slow torture. I would have taken it personally and felt that she was complaining about me. I would have become defensive and explained that our life was not a torture and that she should be grateful that we were going on such a wonderful vacation. Then we would have argued and had a long, torturous vacation. All this would have happened because I didn't understand and validate her feelings. This time, I understood she was just expressing a passing feeling. It wasn't a statement about me. Because I understood this I didn't get defensive. By my comment about being wrung out she felt completely validated. In response, she was very accepting of me and I felt her love, acceptance, and approval. Because I have learned to validate her feelings, she got the love she deserved. We didn't have an argument.

Chapter 10

Дата добавления: 2015-07-19