Chapter 3 23 страница

"I know that, Kylie. It's life-changing for both of us. I just thought you were the type to wanna talk about something this big."

"I do! But I have to calm down first. I don't do well under pressure."

Blair gave her a blank look, wanting to remind Kylie that she was a surgeon and worked under incredible pressure every day. But she realized that Kylie didn't consider surgery pressure. She reveled in the demands it put on her. However, she didn't ever seek out emotional risks — and this was a big one. "You're right," Blair said. "I'm sorry for pushing you. We'll talk about it tomorrow, but I have to leave the house at 9:00, so it'll have to be when I get home. Okay?"

"Okay," Kylie said, mollified.

"Can I kiss you goodnight?"

"Uhm … sure."

Kylie presented her cheek and scampered down the hall as soon as Blair delivered the kiss, leaving the smaller woman to look at the dogs and sigh. "Here's a lesson for you two. If I'd been trying to lure a man to bed, we would have had sex — twice — and he would've been asleep by now. A woman wants to do a background check on you before she'll even give you a kiss!"

„G

Blair was gone most of the next day, and she returned home when Kylie was preparing dinner. The dogs ran to greet her, but Kylie stayed at the sink, washing a few dishes. "Hi," she called out.

Blair walked into the kitchen and saw the tense set of the doctor's shoulders. The poor thing. She's probably been stewing over this all day. She went up behind Kylie and slid her arms around her waist, then rubbed her face against her back. "Hi. I missed you."

"I missed you, too," Kylie said. She rested her hands on the rim of the sink, and Blair could feel her body relax a little bit. "Did you have a good day?"

"No. I wanted my clients to stay in their old house so I could be with you." Kylie let out a nervous laugh, and Blair tightened her embrace. "I have to tell you something."

The doctor slid out of Blair's hold and looked at her with a startled, nearly frightened expression. "What?" she asked, her voice a little high.

Blair placed her hand behind Kylie's neck and pulled her down. "Another day's passed, and I'm still falling for you," she said, then kissed her tenderly. "I thought about you all day and couldn't wait to get home so I could kiss you." She kissed her again, reveling in the feel of the larger woman's body when she held her close. "I thought about your lips more times than I can count."

Kylie gave her a pleading look, then stood up straight. "I missed you, too, and I thought about you all day, but you promised we could talk about this. I thought the implication was that you'd stop kissing me until we did."

Blair stepped back and stared at the brunette for a moment. "Does my kissing you bother you that much?"

"Yes, yes, it does. It'll bother me more than you'll ever know if you … stop," she said, looking very vulnerable.

"Oh, Kylie, I'm not gonna stop. You know how much I love you!"

"I know you love me. I don't doubt that a bit. But I don't know that you'll be happy being my lover. I think … I think that you might be …" She looked into Blair's eyes, showing her fear. "Settling."

Blinking slowly, the blonde stared at her friend again. She blew out an audible breath and started to leave the room. "I don't want to snap at you, so I need a few minutes to think of a response to that that isn't profane. I'm gonna go change clothes."

Kylie watched her leave, wincing when she heard the bedroom door slam.

„G

It took Blair about ten minutes to calm down, and Kylie was on pins and needles the whole time. She was sitting outside, sipping a tall glass of what looked to be watered-down Scotch. Blair sat next to her and said, "I don't even like Scotch, but I'd like one now. My nerves are twitching."

Kylie gave her a doe-eyed look and said, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to. Really."

Blair reached over and took her hand. She kissed the back of it and held it over her heart. "Don't apologize. I've obviously been pushing you too hard. I'm not being sensitive enough to the things that are bothering you."

Giving her a charming smile, Kylie said, "No, it's my fault."

"Unh-uh. My fault," Blair said. "I have to recognize how important this is to you and that you're not as sure of me as I am of myself. I promise not to get angry with you again. You're entitled to ask me anything you want."

"Thanks," Kylie said, her expression one of immense relief. "Uhm … do you understand what I was getting at before?"

"Yeah," Blair said, letting out a wry chuckle. "You want to know if I'm using you because I don't think I can get a man."

Horrified, Kylie gasped, "That's not true! That's not what I think! You'd never use me … consciously."

Blair took a playful bite of the doctor's hand. "Ooo … so you think I have pregnancy-induced lesbian tendencies, huh? I have to find a mate to help me raise the baby, and I'm acting on such unconscious primal instinct that I've convinced myself to think you're the one for me."

"Well, that sounds harsh, but it's kinda close to what I was thinking."

"Yeah," Blair nodded. "It does sound harsh. It also doesn't sound like me." She threaded her fingers through Kylie's and rested their linked hands on her thigh. "Let's look at the big picture. I'm perfectly capable of raising Mackenzie on my own. I'm also sure that you'll be a lot of help even if things don't work out between us as lovers. You're just that kind of friend." She squeezed her hand and shook her head, a frown narrowing her eyes. "It feels like I'm playing catch-up here. I think you might understand what's going on with me if I start at the beginning. I'm gonna tell you exactly what my thought process was when I started to have feelings for you. If it sounds like I'm settling, so be it."

She got up and walked over to the lawn, then started to move around in no particular pattern. She walked with her hands linked behind her back, looking like a professor lecturing a small class. "I love you, and I have for some time. But I never considered that I might be or could be in love with you. It should have been obvious, and probably was to everyone we know, but it didn't occur to me because I've never had sexual feelings for a woman."

"Never?" Kylie shouted.

"Shh! We have neighbors. Now, calm down, and we'll get to that little detail later," Blair said. "I have to do this in order."

Kylie gave her a chagrined smile and nodded. "Sorry," she said quietly.

"Okay," Blair said, looking thoughtful. "When you had Julie over to go swimming, I saw the two of you making out by the pool."

"Oh, shit, why do I always get caught?"

"'Cause you're a forty-year-old woman who has a roommate," Blair teased. "Anyway, I couldn't stop myself from watching you, and after a couple of minutes, I realized I was totally turned on."

Kylie brightened. "You were?" Then an eyebrow shot up, and she asked, "Did you say couple of minutes? You watched for a couple of minutes?"

"Yes, hot stuff, I did. I couldn't tear my eyes away. I tried to shrug it off, but I caught myself doing that and made a conscious decision to think about what had happened. I realized that I used to get hot when David and I would watch porn with women having sex with each other. There was always a guy in the scene, too, but I sure didn't mind watching the women do things to each other."

"Sounds promising," Kylie said, giving her a big, bright smile. But her smile faded, and she looked puzzled. "I thought you'd never fantasized about a woman?"

"I haven't," Blair said. "I've gotten turned on watching them make love, but I've never consciously thought about women while I'm having sex."

Kylie's eyes widened. "Sounds like a fine line to me."

"Details, details," Blair said, waving the point away. "So, I realized I was aroused by you, and then it dawned on me that I was ridiculously jealous of Julie. I knew I was being an idiot, but I couldn't stop feeling that she was taking you away from me."

"That's what Julie thought, too," Kylie said, looking guilty.

"Mmm … that was on my list of possible reasons you two broke up," Blair said. "It just hit me the other day, but I had a feeling … especially since you wouldn't talk about it."

"Yeah, she feels pretty used. I feel like a huge asshole."

Blair walked over and sat on the edge of her chair. "You didn't do it on purpose, did you?"

Looking even guiltier, Kylie nodded. "Kinda. I knew I was falling for you, and I wanted to make myself fall in love with someone else so I could keep you in my life without pining away for you."

"Ouch," Blair said. "No wonder she's pissed."

"She has every reason to be, even though I wasn't as diabolical about it as I make it sound. It was mostly subconscious until we got back from Chicago. My mom made me admit that I was in love with you." She snickered and muttered, "Bitch."

Blair couldn't help herself; she had to lean over and give Kylie a kiss. But she made it a quick one to spare the doctor any more anxiety. "So, you knew you were falling for me, huh? That's pretty good news from where I stand."

Kylie gave her an adorably shy smile and nodded. "Yeah, you know I'm crazy about you. You're too perceptive to have missed all of my not-so-subtle signals — the ones I tried like hell not to send out."

"I noticed some of them," Blair admitted, "and I was able to rationalize most of them. But the important thing is that Julie and I were right about you and your feelings. I realized that we were more than friends, and I liked it. I started thinking about it, and I finally decided that it was silly not to let our relationship progress. I know I don't have lesbian street cred, but everyone has to start somewhere, right? You dated guys before you decided you wanted a woman."

"Yeah," Kylie agreed, "but I was seventeen, not thirty-five. You've been putting up a very good front for a lesbian trapped in a marriage, having to perform despicable acts with a …" She put her forearm over her eyes and whispered, "Man!"

"Funny," Blair said, giving her a pinch. She got up and started to walk again, pacing slowly. "I love having sex with men, Kylie. But I'm also a very sexual, very open-minded person. I don't see why I wouldn't love having sex with you. I think you're as sexy as hell, and kissing you has been very, very arousing."

"Wait till I start kissing you," Kylie said, a little of her usual teasing personality starting to emerge. "My lips haven't gotten out of the starting gate."

"I can't wait," Blair said, giving Kylie a look that made the doctor's heart start to beat faster.

Kylie swallowed and tried to get back to the topic. "Are you finished?"

"For the moment," Blair said. "What do you think? Am I delusional?"

Kylie leaned back in her chair, finally relaxing her coiled posture. She linked her hands behind her head and gazed up into the sky for a minute or two with Blair raptly watching her face for a clue to her thoughts. Finally, she looked at her friend and said, "Well, if I had to write this script, I would have preferred you to say that you've always been attracted to women, but David came along before you could act on it. I'd feel much more comfortable about this if you felt you were bisexual. But it doesn't seem like you do."

"Well, maybe a little," Blair said. "On a scale of one to ten, with one being totally straight, I'd say I'm a two or a three. You're the only woman I've ever wanted to kiss — much less do anything more with."

"Hmm … I'm about a nine," Kylie said. "I could have sex with a man, but I'd have to fantasize about a women to be able to enjoy myself." She looked very thoughtful and asked, "The question is, can a three and a nine find happiness together?"

"Twelve's my lucky number," Blair said, beaming a grin.

"Twelve's not anyone's lucky number," Kylie scoffed. "What is it really?"

"Two," she admitted. "But I like twelve a lot. There's a two in it."

Kylie got up and approached Blair. She put her arms around her and asked, "Can we take this slowly? I need to think about it and get all of my questions resolved before I can jump in."

Blair looked up at her, the setting sun forming a golden halo around Kylie's dark hair. "Do you love me?"

"Yes, I do," Kylie said. "I love you very much, and I'd give anything to have this work out. But I'm not gonna do it just because I want it. I have to make sure that you want it, too. I can't risk your changing your mind and breaking my heart, Blair. I can't let that happen."

"I understand. Uhm … what did you think of my thought process? Did it sound like I was settling?"

Kylie shrugged her shoulders. Her brow was a little furrowed, and she seemed very thoughtful when she spoke. "It sounded more logical than emotional, but that's the way you are. I think you added up all of the positive things and decided that this could work. I don't think that's settling, but it's not mad love, either."

Blair shook her head. "I'm not a mad love kinda girl." She put her hands on Kylie's waist and said, "But if you need a mad love kinda girl, you should have one. I'd hate to lose you, but I'd understand — in a decade or so."

Kylie kissed her on the head. "I'm pretty logical about things, too. I think I could live with a logical lover." She hugged her tightly and asked, "You're not logical all the time, are you? I mean, do you get emotional when you're … you know …" She looked charmingly embarrassed, and Blair had to kiss her once again.

"I’m like you are, Kylie. I only have sex with people I love. And I have sex to show my feelings. I promise you'll know how I feel about you when we touch."

Kylie smiled at her and brushed a few strands of hair from her forehead. "I thought that's how you'd be. But before we go any further, I have to know that you've considered all of the negative things about loving me. That's a big deal."

"Oh, Kylie, I know you have a million faults, but I can overlook them for love," the blonde said, giggling at the nonplussed look on the doctor's face.

„G

After dinner they went outside as they often did on a warm evening. "So, start telling me all of the pitfalls of lesbian love," Blair said.

"No, not tonight. I know I'll get all worked up, and I have to go to bed early. I've got a hellacious day in surgery tomorrow, and I've gotta chill a little bit." She gave Blair a half-smile and said, "I was a nervous wreck all day, and I still feel tense."

Blair took the doctor's hand and chafed it tenderly. "You poor thing. I'm sorry I had to work all day, but it couldn't be helped. I should have called you when I had a chance just to see how you were doing."

"That's okay," Kylie said. "I still would have been nervous."

"Tell me what makes you so tense?" Blair asked. "Isn't this what you want?"

Kylie looked at her to make sure she wasn't joking. "Of course this is what I want! How can you even ask that? It's just that I want it so badly that I'm afraid to let myself think it's gonna happen. I'll be devastated if this doesn't work out, Blair."

"Oh, Kylie, don't think like that." She got up and indicated that she wanted Kylie to draw her knees up to make some room. When she did, Blair sat on the foot of the chair and rested her arms on the doctor's knees. She gazed at her for a moment, then said, "Can I tell you what I want — big picture?"

"Sure."

"I want someone to spend my life with. I'm self-sufficient enough to be able to have a very good life alone, but I think I do better when I'm in a committed relationship. I also think it would be better for Mackenzie to have two parents. But even if I weren't pregnant, I'd still be falling for you. I'm not just looking for a co-parent, Kylie. I'm looking for a partner, and I think I've found her in you. So the only reason this won't work out is if you decide you don't want it to. I'm in."

Kylie's entire body was shaking, and Blair wrapped her arms around her legs to try to reassure her. "How can you be so sure?" the doctor asked.

"I know what I want in a lover," she said. "I want someone who's kind and thoughtful and intelligent and funny and cultured and sexy. And now that I'm pregnant, I need someone who wants to have children and wants to co-parent with me. It didn't occur to me that I'd find what I wanted in a woman, but I have. The fact that you're a woman isn't a big deal for me, Kylie. Those other qualities are non-negotiable, but, much to my surprise, the sex of the person isn’t."

"This is … I've …" Kylie shook her head, clearly flustered. "How can you say that? I've never known anyone who just decides that the sex of her partner isn't a big deal. I mean, I know that's true for bisexuals, but I've never heard of anyone figuring out she's bisexual when she's thirty-five years old!"

"Kylie," Blair said, her voice low and soothing, "it's not my fault that I didn't meet you until now. Don't hold that against me. I was married for ten years, and I was happy with my husband. I wasn't exploring my sexuality then. I am now."

"That's part of the problem," Kylie said. "You're not sure you can be happy in a lesbian relationship. You're exploring this, Blair. What if you find out that you can't do it?"

Blair gave her a puzzled look. "What would make me decide that?"

"See? This is what I mean!" She patted Blair and said, "I've gotta get up." As soon as she did, she started pacing. "Now I'm all worked up! I'm trying to relax, and you've got me in a lather."

Blair went to her and put her arms around her. "I'm sorry. You're right. We shouldn't have started talking about this again. I know it's hard for you to take this all in." She hugged her tight and said, "Go get ready for bed, and I'll give you a nice backrub. That'll help you relax."

Kylie gave her a slightly doubtful look, then said, "I'm not sure I trust you to rub my back. The last thing I need is to be all turned on. We'd better stick with a head rub."

"A head rub it is," Blair said, smiling at the brunette. She watched her walk into the house, musing, The supremely confident Doctor Mackenzie is nowhere to be found tonight!

„G

When Kylie was ready, Blair went into her room and lay next to her on the bed. She started to thread her fingers through the doctor's soft curls, speaking to her in a soothing voice. "It's gonna be all right, Kylie. Everything will work out. We're gonna be one small, happy family." She kept up her ministrations until she felt the larger woman's body relax, then slowed down and finally stopped. Kylie was sound asleep, and Blair couldn't resist staying right where she was. She nestled her cheek against Kylie's back, listening to her strong, sure heartbeat and the steady intake of breath. It's gonna be so nice when I can sleep with her, she thought. Just lying here with her calms me down. She noticed that Mackenzie was unusually calm, too, and whispered, "Mama Kylie calms you down too, doesn't she, Mackenzie? All we have to do now is convince her that we're gonna love her as much as she loves us."

Chapter 9

Kylie and Nick went to the symphony the next night, and by the time she came home, Blair was sound asleep on the sofa. The doctor gently woke her and helped her to her feet. "But I wanna stay up and talk about being a lesbian," the blonde mumbled, her words sounding comical given her tousled hair and sleep-suffused voice.

"We can talk about being lesbians tomorrow," Kylie soothed. She was gently scratching the back of Blair's neck, knowing that a good scratch was as effective as ether on her roommate. By the time they'd reached the bedroom, Kylie merely had to urge her onto the bed and cover her with a quilt. "That's my girl," she said. She sat down and ran her fingers through Blair's hair for a few minutes, reluctant to leave. She'd hardly noticed it at first, but Blair was slowly scooting closer, and in a short while, she was curled up against Kylie, holding on tight. For an instant, Kylie was jealous, assuming that Blair was unconsciously seeking David's familiar warmth. But she smiled broadly when Blair nuzzled her face against her knee like a kitten and mumbled, "I love you, Kylie."

The doctor leaned over and kissed Blair's cheek. She kept her lips right there, placing tiny, soft kisses around Blair's ear, not stopping until the sleepy woman started to giggle. "Sleep tight," she whispered. She gave Mackenzie a pat and bent to kiss him. "I love you, too, Mackenzie. Be nice to your mommy tonight."

Blair was asleep immediately, and the doctor stayed for another few minutes, feeling content and peaceful just to be next to her.

„G

Blair was home when Kylie arrived the next night, and as soon as the doctor walked into the house, Blair called out, "Get changed! I brought carry-outs for dinner. We're gonna spend the whole night talking about the dangerous world of lesbianism."

"I have a feeling that someone's not taking my concerns very seriously," Kylie said when she walked into the kitchen.

Blair gave her a hug and said, "I take you and your concerns very seriously. But I'm confident that I've thought of the repercussions, and I know that once I convince you of that — we're gonna be fine." She gave her a dazzling smile and said, "Is it okay if I'm happy about that?"

"I suppose so," Kylie said, trying, but failing, to look aggrieved. She wrapped her arms around the smaller woman and playfully tossed her back and forth. "You're so darned cute that I can barely stand it!"

"Oh, you haven't seen half of my cuteness," Blair scoffed. "Just you wait, Doc. I'll confound you with cuteness."

„G

They went outside after dinner, and Blair was surprised to see that Kylie had a notepad with her. The doctor looked at her agenda and nodded, obviously satisfied with her script. "Okay." She tapped her bottom teeth with a mechanical pencil and said, "I think the biggest thing I'm worried about is how you're gonna deal with coming out as an adult. People are gonna treat you differently, Blair, and that might be very hard for you."

"For example?" Blair asked, smiling at her friend.

"Well … people in your office are gonna find this strange. What if your boss has problems with it?"

"Oh, he's as gay as they come," Blair said. "Real estate is full of gay men, and I can't imagine that people would be more tolerant of gay men than they would be of me."

Kylie scratched her head. "Well, no, they probably wouldn't be …"

"My clients don't need to know," Blair said, "although I doubt any of them would have a problem with it. You've got to remember that this is the Westside, Kylie. This is one of the most gay-friendly places in the world. Besides, you're a professional, and you don't have any problem with prejudice, do you?"

The doctor shook her head. "No, not really. I don't tell my patients that I'm a lesbian, but I certainly don't hide it, either."

"That's the way I'll be, too," Blair said. "I don't normally talk about my home life with clients. And when I have a client party, I'll just let people assume what they want."

"I could make myself scarce when you had people over," Kylie offered.

"That's ridiculous! I wouldn't dream of asking you to leave when I entertain. I might not introduce you as my lover, at least not at first, but I would never be embarrassed by you. Never!"

Kylie smiled at her. "I'd hate it if you asked me to leave," she admitted.

"You big goof! Why would you make an offer that'd make you feel bad?"

"'Cause I'm nice?" she offered tentatively.

"It's never nice to propose something that can hurt you or our relationship. Life's hard enough without asking for trouble." She sat on the end of the chaise and put her chin on Kylie's raised knee. "I know there'll be an incident or two where someone says something snotty about my being with you. But nothing anyone says or does will change how I feel about you. My feelings for you are genuine, and they run very deep. Can't that be enough?"

Kylie tenderly ran her hand through Blair's hair, then smoothed her thumb across her cheek. "Yeah, that can be enough. But you can't forget that other people are gonna be affected my this."

"I assume you mean my parents," Blair said.

"Yeah, they're important players."

"I know my parents very well, honey. I know they would have been very supportive if I’d told them I was gay when I was a kid. But now … now … they're gonna wonder about it. I'm not sure which one of them it'll bother more, but I know they'll have some trouble adjusting. That won't bother me much — really. Over time, they'll see that this is what makes me happy, and they'll be fine. It's just at first that they'll think you've tricked me into this." She giggled at the stunned look on Kylie's face, then gave her bare knee a kiss. "They won't say that. They might think it, but they won't say it," she added, still laughing.

"It sounds funny now, but they could say something that really hurts you. I'd hate to have that happen."

"Look, Kylie, I'm sure you're right. Some people who I love might hurt me. So what's the answer? Give up someone I love so that I don't ever get my feelings hurt? You've gotta admit that doesn't sound like a fair tradeoff."

Дата добавления: 2015-09-04