Chapter 3 22 страница

She pulled into the parking lot of the Self-Realization Fellowship Temple, turned off her car and sat quietly for a few minutes, letting the small stresses of her day float away. When she felt peaceful, she got out of her car and walked to the entrance of the temple grounds.

The site was fairly large, about ten acres, and the focal point was a lovely, natural, spring-fed lake. It was the only natural lake she'd ever been to in Los Angeles, and being near it gave her the sense of peace which she occasionally craved. The past week had been so unsettling for her that she had a nearly physical need to commune with her inner self, and the temple seemed the perfect place. She'd never been so sure of something she wanted yet unable to move forward, and it was beginning to make her anxious.

She found a nice, shaded bench and sat down to think. While her eyes followed a pair of snow-white swans, her mind roiled with conflicting thoughts about Kylie. She knew in her heart that Kylie had very deep feelings for her, and there wasn't a doubt in her mind that the doctor wanted to be intimately involved in raising Mackenzie. But these outward signs of merger only served to confuse her.

Kylie has to wonder what I want from this relationship, but she's never asked. Maybe she doesn’t want to analyze it too much, or maybe she’s afraid of what I’ll say.Is she afraid? It's impossible to tell. I can’t tell where Julie fits into this, and it doesn't make sense that Kylie won't talk about her! Why won’t she talk? Is she embarrassed about something? Did she get dumped? Wait a minute, she thought. If she’d been dumped she would have told me! I’m her best friend, and she wouldn’t be ashamed to admit that Julie didn’t care for her. That’s not like Kylie. The only reason that makes sense is that I’m involved in some way. But what way?

Blair got up and walked around the gardens, finding them rather sparse now that it was fall. A few crape myrtle trees were still colored with their pastel pinks and purples, but everything else was nearly spent. Maybe I have to look at this from Julie’s viewpoint. How would I feel if I dated a great guy who had a roommate he did everything with? The guys owned dogs together, and they were planning to jointly raise a baby that one of the guys was adopting. She started to laugh out loud, causing a man walking by to sneak a quick look at her. God, I've never heard of anything so ridiculous! I'd be sure the guy was gay and was using me as a beard. Well, Julie knows Kylie's gay, but maybe she didn’t like where I fit into the puzzle. She started to smile, feeling lighter on her feet than she usually did. Maybe Julie told her that she wouldn't go out with her as long as Kylie had such a close relationship with me.

Finding another spot to sit, Blair stared out at the lake for quite a while, then gazed at the architecture of the temple that rose up in the hills above the lake and gardens. That makes perfect sense. It would make Kylie feel like she hadn't been totally honest with Julie, and it would make her unable to talk to me about it. Perfect, perfect sense.

She was smiling at the thought of having figured out the problem, but simply finding the answer didn't get her anywhere. She had to find a way to get Kylie to talk about it, and that was proving difficult to do. Come on, Blair, she reminded herself, you spend your days talking people into doing things they're ambivalent about! You can handle one recalcitrant doctor! All I have to do is have an evening alone with her. The little drama hound is going out with Nick again tonight.

„G

When she got home the next evening, Blair decided she had to put her plan on hold for a while. She’d had a rotten day, and she wasn’t in the mood to talk to Kylie or anyone else at that moment. Maybe I’ll feel better in a while, she thought. Kylie came home shortly after Blair had gone into her room. The doctor assumed she was changing, so she knocked lightly on her door and walked in when she heard a reply. "Hi. Hungry?"

"Not really. I had a sandwich when I got home. I didn't get lunch." She sat up and tried to smile, creating a reasonable facsimile. “I’m gonna rest for a few minutes, then I’ll be out, okay?”

Kylie ventured further into the room. "Are you all right? You look … mmm … sad or down."

Blair wanted to beg for her privacy — just for a while, but she remembered her promise to be more open with her feelings. So she forced herself to talk about what had happened. "Really wanna know?"

"Of course I do."

"Come sit down then. But don't look at me. I don't want to see your face when I tell you what a baby I am."

Kylie gave her a warm smile and sat on the edge of the bed. "I'll look out the window, okay?"

"Okay." Blair took in a breath and said, "There's a guy at work who's only been with the firm a year or so. He knows I'm a good seller, and he knows the managers like me. He's one of those idiots who thinks that women gobble up compliments like there's no tomorrow."

"Ugh," Kylie said, making a face. "What's this guy’s name?"

"Mike. Mike Alexander."

"Got it. So, what happened with old Mike?"

"Well, he's always flirted with me whenever he gets the chance. I don't know what he thinks it'll get him, but he's really obnoxious about it. He comments on my clothes, and he always notices when I've gotten a hair cut."

"Maybe he really likes you," Kylie suggested.

"No, it's not that. He does it to any woman he thinks he can get something from. He's new to the business, and he'd really like to work with me — that's the only reason he's interested."

"Okay, I get the picture. So what happened?"

"Nothing!" Blair said, looking like she was on the verge of tears. "I was alone with him in the break room today, and he treated me exactly like he treats the guys whose coattails he wants to latch onto. He was entirely professional. No comments about my body or my clothes or my hair. He didn't tell me that he knew I was coming into the room because his heart started to beat faster or anything!"

Blair was staring at Kylie, waiting for her to commiserate, but the doctor was sure she had missed an important point. "Uhm … isn't that good? Don't you want to be treated professionally?"

"No! I mean, yes, but not by him!"

"I don't get it. I'm sorry that I'm not catching on, but I don't understand."

"Kylie, he didn't do it because he doesn't think of me as a woman anymore! Don't you see?"

Kylie gaped at her for a moment, then said, "No, that can't be it. No way!"

"Yes, that is it. And I've been noticing it more and more, but I've tried to shrug it off. None of the guys treat me like a woman anymore. They treat me like a … like a … mom!"

"Oh, sweetie." Kylie scooted over and tucked her arms around her friend. "You are gonna be a mom. That's not such a bad thing, is it?"

"I'm not gonna be their mom!" she insisted. "They treat me like a matronly old aunt, Kylie. I'm only thirty-five, but guys act like I'm geriatric!"

"And this really bothers you?" Kylie asked, still a little puzzled.

"Yes! I told you it was stupid and that I was a big baby, but it does bother me. I don't feel sexy or attractive anymore. I guess it'd be different if I were with a guy who continued to tell me and show me that he was into me, but now …"

"Aww … I guess that does make a difference, doesn't it?"

"Yeah. I feel like this sexless creature all of a sudden, and it sucks!"

“Look, I can’t say for sure what Mike was thinking or feeling. But I do know how you look, and I know that you’re not just pretty, you’re incredibly beautiful. I mean that with every bit of my heart.”

“You’re prejudiced,” she grumbled.

“Yeah, I am. I’m prejudiced in favor of luscious-looking strawberry blondes with pale green eyes. Guilty as charged.”

“I’m not luscious-looking,” she scoffed. “No one has ever called me luscious.”

“You know, just because you’ve dated people who haven’t appreciated your beauty doesn’t mean it’s not there. I’m an impartial observer, and I swear you’re the prettiest woman I’ve ever held in my arms.”

Blair gave her friend a swat on the back. "Liar. I'm nice looking — in the right light — if you've had a couple of drinks, but that's it."

Kylie gave her a half-smile and said, "Look, buddy, you can't tell me who is and who isn't pretty. It's subjective. There's something about you that I find very appealing."

"You do … really?" Blair's heart started to race a little, and she tried to give Kylie her best smile. But the doctor was still holding back. There was something almost sisterly — a certain distance and impartiality — about the way she was complimenting her that was driving the blonde crazy.

“I see a lot of pregnant women on any given day. I don’t ever deal with them professionally, but I have colleagues who do genetic testing and things like that, so they’re around the office all the time. Now, I find most pregnant women attractive,there’s something about them that works for me, but I’d honestly say that you’re in the top five percent of the women I see.”

Suddenly, she knew this was the perfect opportunity to get Kylie to talk. She gathered her courage and broke the silence to ask, “Would you do me a big favor?”

“Anything.”

“Would you tell me why you find me attractive?"

The doctor cleared her throat and nodded. “Are you sure you want me to do that? I mean, I will, but it might be embarrassing.”

“Yes. You won’t embarrass me.”

“Okay, you're the boss." She sat up straight and looked at Blair for a moment, her eyes roaming from her head to her feet. Her lips were pursed, and she looked like she was contemplating a work of art. Finally, she smiled and said, "I'd say that part of what I find attractive is your hair. It's gotten prettier and prettier. It’s a lot fuller than it was before, and it has a lot of body to it. It’s grown so fast, too. I’d say it’s grown four inches since you’ve been pregnant. It looks great.”

“Thanks,” Blair smiled. “This is fun.”

“There’s more,” Kylie assured her, warming to her subject. “Your eyes sparkle a lot of the time. There’s actually a scientific reason for that, but I ignore it and let them catch my eye. Very appealing.”

“Thank you again.”

“Your lips are a little fuller … almost pouty. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you’d had a little collagen injected.” Kylie playfully touched the tip of Blair’s lower lip with her finger. “They’re slightly darker, too — very luscious.”

“There’s that word again,” Blair teased.

“Well, they are. Just being scientific.” She shifted a little and said, “Here’s where I start to feel uncomfortable.” Letting her eyes linger for a moment on Blair’s chest, she said, “I don’t want you to think I walk around all day leering at you.”

“I don’t think that, Kylie. Believe me, I don't." I wish I did, but I don't.

“Okay,” the doctor said. “Over the last couple of months, your breasts have become absolutely perfect in my book. They’re substantially fuller, and they sway a little bit when you walk.” Grinning impishly, she added, “I love that. And, by the way, I love the way I can see your cleavage in that V-neck sweater I bought for you.”

“So that’s why you bought that!”

“Hey, might as well get some personal benefit from keeping you clothed.”

Blair had to force herself to pay attention to what the doctor was saying, and less to the way her lips moved when she said it. She'd never noticed how adorable the tip of Kylie's tongue was, but now she was staring at her mouth, hoping it would come out again when she said another word that began with "th."

Kylie met Blair's eyes, and she said, “Being a breast woman, I’m sure I devote more attention to that area than most.”

“Got it," Blair said, nodding.

“I also like a good tush, and you’ve added just enough weight to get a nice curve there. Really, really nice,” she said emphatically.

“Okay,” Blair said. "Good to know."

“Now, I admit you’ve lost your trim little waist, but you’ve added a little volume around your hips. That still gives you a good curve there, and that’s important to me. I’m all in favor of curves.”

“Anything else?” Blair asked, feeling that she had to kiss Kylie or leave the house.

“Mmm … nothing specific. I’d say that the overall effect I get from you is one of lushness and ripeness. You look like a juicy peach with that adorable blush you have on your cheeks.”

“Well! This is all quite … revealing,” Blair said. Her head was spinning, but she didn't want it to stop.

Kylie looked down and mumbled, “I told you I was embarrassed to tell you everything I’d noticed.”

Blair lifted her chin with her fingertips and asked, “Do you want to know how I feel when you talk about my body?”

“Uhm … sure. I’d like to know.”

Leaning close, Blair kept her face mere inches from Kylie’s. “I feel attractive and desirable, like I don’t have anything to be ashamed of. I feel like a very beautiful woman.”

“You are,” Kylie said softly, her breath warm against Blair’s cheek.

Reaching out, Blair pushed some of the tumbled curls back from Kylie’s face so that she could see her eyes. Hesitantly, with more shyness than she’d felt in her adult life, she asked, “Do you find me desirable?”

The dark head began to nod, and Kylie said in her most enthusiastic and confident tone, “Absolutely. Very, very much so. I thought you were a very attractive woman the first time I saw you, Blair, and you've grown more attractive since you've been pregnant."

Blair's heart fell, and she knew she was going to cry. Kylie's words were so soothing, so comforting, but her eyes weren't sparkling the way they did when she was genuinely excited about something. Blair believed her words, she was certain that Kylie wasn't just soothing her ego — but it was almost as if her father or mother were telling her how attractive they found her. She wasn't only not getting a hint of a sexual vibe from her friend, there seemed to be an emotional distance that Kylie was intentionally trying to create. Something was off, Blair was sure of it. But she didn’t know what it was. "Thanks, pal," she said, trying to look happy. "I could probably manage a little bit of dinner. If nothing else, I'll keep you company. How's that?"

"Excellent. Dinner for three. You, me and Mackenzie." She gave Blair a big smile and reached over to pat her friend's tummy.

„G

On Saturday night, Kylie and Nick had tickets to a play, but he asked if Kylie would mind if he took a date instead. She wasn't set on seeing the production, so she gladly let him have her seat. Blair called her friend on the way home, and when she learned that Kylie wasn't going out, she stopped at the video store to pick out a couple of DVD's. When she got home, she walked into the den and dropped her selections on the table. "Your pick. Drama or action."

"What's this?" Kylie asked, looking up at her.

"Your date got cancelled, so you should at least get to see something kinda special."

"Aww … you're awfully thoughtful, Blair."

The blonde smiled back at her friend. "I'm learning from the master."

After dinner they settled down to watch one of the movies. Kylie didn't know much about either, so she flipped a coin, and they watched the drama. It was a tear-jerker, a much sadder film than Blair would have chosen if she'd known the plot. But it was a well-made movie, and it touched her deeply. It told the story of a love never fulfilled, of lovers who longed for each other all their lives, and Blair could hardly fail to notice the parallels between the film and her relationship with Kylie.

Blair dabbed at her eyes with a tissue and was surprised to hear Kylie sniffling, too. "Why did I rent such a sad movie?" she asked. "I wanted to have fun tonight."

"It was sad," Kylie said, her voice breaking a little. "So damned sad." She kept crying with a few tears spilling out every couple of moments, but she was obviously very upset.

"Hey," Blair said. She scooted next to her and put an arm around her shoulders. "You seem really upset. What is it?"

"Nothing," Kylie said. "It's nothing."

Blair couldn't bear to let the wall that had built up between them stand. She gathered her courage and said, "Kylie, something is wrong … between us."

"Huh?" Confused, watery blue eyes looked at her.

"Something is … different between us. Ever since you broke up with Julie, you've been acting different. I'm not sure what it is, but it's definitely not my imagination."

Kylie looked like she was going to speak, but she obviously changed her mind. "It's nothing, Blair. I … don't want to talk about it."

"Is it me? Did I do something to upset you or hurt you? Are you having second thoughts about living with me?"

"No, no, don't be silly. How could you have done anything? This is between Julie and me."

"But if it's not about me, why are you treating me differently? I swear there's a barrier between us that wasn't there before."

The brunette looked like she wanted to leave the room, but she stayed right where she was. Blair could see the inner struggle she was going through, could tell that Kylie wanted to talk but was fighting against something. "It's not you. I swear, it's not you," she said. "It's … something that Julie made me aware of, and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to deal with it. It's my problem, Blair, not yours."

Blair felt tears sting her eyes. "It is my problem if it affects you, Kylie." She put both of her arms around her and hugged her close, feeling a little reassurance when Kylie hugged her back. "I love you so much that I feel your pain when you're hurt. It's so hard when I don't know what's bothering you."

"I'm so sorry," Kylie said. "I swear I didn't know this was on your mind."

"It is, it has been, and it's gonna be until you're acting like your old self. I can't bear to have a distance between us," she said.

Kylie pulled back just enough to be able to focus. "There isn't much distance now," she said. She gave Blair her usual crooked smile, but her eyes looked so sad that the smaller woman couldn't stand it.

"Why are you sad?" she asked, gently stroking her cheeks with the tips of her fingers. "Please, please tell me."

"It's … it's nothing bad," she said. "I'm trying to deal with some hard realities. There are some things I'm never gonna get, and I have to face up to that."

Blair gazed deeply into her eyes and said, "Tell me, Kylie. Tell me what you want. I'll do anything I can to help you get it."

"Oh, Blair," she said. She dropped her head onto her friend's shoulder and cried softly. "I wish I could ask you for what I need. I wish I could."

Blair put her hands on the sides of Kylie's head and lifted it. She stared into her eyes for almost a minute. The energy between them was crackling, with both women desperate but unwilling to speak. Finally, Blair summoned the courage and said, "I might regret this, but I'm going to ask you for what I need." She held onto Kylie's head and pulled it towards her, seeing the blue eyes widen as she was drawn closer. Blair closed her eyes and pressed her lips against Kylie's, hearing her friend let out a startled mew. She held her tight, and almost immediately, Kylie's arms wrapped around her and they kissed again. Longer and deeper and sweeter than before. Blair pulled back and looked into the fathomless depths of Kylie's eyes and kissed her once more, opening her mouth to Kylie's tentatively probing tongue.

Just moments of the exquisite sensation was enough to leave Blair breathless, and she moved her lips a bit, kissing all around Kylie's mouth while she panted softly. Suddenly, Kylie's hands were on her shoulders, pushing her away. The brunette stood and stared at her friend, asking in a loud voice, "What in the hell are we doing?"

Blair grabbed her hand and pulled her back down, gazing at her with an inner sense of peace that she hadn't felt in weeks. "We're kissing, Kylie. We're kissing because we care for each other so much." She put her hand behind Kylie's head and drew her close again. Their lips were only an inch apart, and Blair could see the beautiful pink lips quivering with fear and anticipation. "Let me show you how I feel." She kissed her again, holding Kylie so tight that she was afraid she'd hurt her. But the larger woman looked so frightened that Blair felt she had to hold on to her to keep her from bolting. She slipped her tongue into Kylie's mouth and savored the warmth she found there, letting herself explore and tease.

But once again, Kylie pulled away, staring at Blair with a stunned look on her flushed face. "Why are you doing this? We don't do this, Blair! We're friends!"

Blair stroked her cheek, feeling the heat radiating from it. "We can be more. I want to be more. Don't you?"

"Yes! Of course I want more! That's what's been driving me crazy! But we can't have it. You're not a lesbian!"

"Where are the rules for kissing?" Blair asked. "'Cause I didn't know you had to take an entrance exam. I thought you just kissed the person you cared for."

Kylie looked at her exactly like Nicky and Nora did when asked if they wanted a treat. Her head was cocked at an uncomfortable-looking angle, and she asked, "You love me?"

"Of course I love you. Is this a surprise?" She placed a soft kiss on Kylie's lips, then another and another. "I love you, Kylie." She kissed her again, urging her mouth open and probing the soft, moist skin with her tongue. "I love you."

Wrenching away again, Kylie insisted, "I know you love me, but you can't love me. You're not gay — at all!"

"I'm gay enough to be very, very attracted to you. Isn't that enough?"

This time Kylie wrestled out of her hold and moved away from her so she could think. "No, that's not enough. You can't … I can't … we can't … this isn't right for you, Blair. You're confused or something."

Blair's brows shot up. "Pardon me?" She glared at Kylie, and the doctor knew she'd made a mistake.

"Uhm … that's not what I meant. I … I don't know what I mean, but I know you're not gay!"

"Kylie, you're being ridiculous. I'm a thirty-five year old woman, and I know exactly what I want and what I think. I'm falling in love with you. I know that's not something I'm supposed to do, but it's happening. And don't you dare tell me that I'm confused! I'm pregnant, not delusional!"

"Okay, okay," Kylie said. "You might know what you think, but I'm totally confused here. Up until about ten minutes ago, you were my straight friend. Now you're kissing me …" She gave her a goofy smile and added, "So very, very well. But no matter how well you kiss, this isn't you, or at least it wasn't you before we watched that movie!"

"Do you think that a movie changed my sexual orientation? Who are you, Pat Robertson? A movie can't make a straight woman have sexual feelings for another woman, you big goof!" Blair got up and went to her, wrapping her arms around her waist. She looked up into Kylie's eyes and said, "I've loved you for months, and a couple of weeks ago, I started having sexual feelings for you. It was a surprise to me, too, but it's true. I was only waiting for the right moment to tell you."

Kylie reached up and grabbed the top of her head. "I feel like my cranium's gonna blow! This is too much for me to process all at once. You've gotta go easy on me, Blair, please!"

Blair looked at her, trying to see if she was kidding, but Kylie looked deadly serious. There was a deep furrow between her brows that Blair had never seen, and her jaw was clenched so tight that tendons in her neck stood out. Taking pity on her, Blair moved back, giving Kylie room to breathe. "Okay, you're right. This is a lot to absorb."

"A whole lot," Kylie said. "A whole big lot."

Blair smiled at her, wanting to kiss her again because of the adorable look on her face, but not wanting to upset her. "Do you want to talk about it? Want me to tell you about how my feelings for you have changed?"

"Yes," Kylie said. "I definitely want to hear everything — tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

"Yes. Tomorrow. I can't take any more tonight. I swear I'll have an aneurysm if we keep talking."

"Are you being serious?" Blair asked, frankly astonished. "You, of all people, don't want to talk about something this important?"

"I do want to talk about it," Kylie said, looking like she was going to cry or scream, "but this is too much for me to process. I have to have some time to let this sink in. I'm sorry, but that's how I am. This is too important to just react to!"

Blair stepped back another foot, holding up her hands. "Okay, okay," she said, "but I feel like I'm standing out here on a ledge. I told you something that could change my entire life, and you say you can't talk about it. I'm feeling a little exposed, Kylie."

The doctor took a deep breath and gathered her wits as best she could. She moved close to Blair and put her arms around her. "Give me a few hours to calm down." She hugged her tightly and whispered, "You know how much I care for you. Don't worry."

Feeling how Kylie trembled made Blair feel very protective of her. "Hey, it'll be all right," she soothed. "It's just me. You and me."

"I know," Kylie said, her voice shaking, "but this is so overwhelming … I can't even think straight."

Blair looked up at her while stroking her back. "Can we sleep together? I'd feel so much better if we could be close."

"What? No! We don't sleep together!"

"All right," Blair nodded. "I'm sorry I asked."

"Don't make this any harder on me," Kylie said, her eyes showing her fear. "This isn't some little thing, Blair. It's life-changing."

Дата добавления: 2015-09-04