Знайте, что стареете, если

·...the end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants (…конец вашего галстука болтается на полметра выше брючного ремня).

·...the four-letter word for something two people can do together in bed is 'Read' (слово из четырех букв, означающее то, что двое могут делать в постели, - это «читать». Подразумевается “fuck”).

·...the names in your little black book are mostly doctors.(имена в записной книжке – это, в основном, имена докторов)

·...when the candles cost more than the cake (когда свечи стоят больше, чем сам торт ко дню рождения)

·...you and your teeth no longer sleep together (вы и ваши зубы больше не спят вместе).

·...you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you used to get from a roller coaster (вы испытываете те же эмоции на кресле-качалке, которые раньше испытывали на американских горках).

·...you can live without sex, but not without glasses.(вы можете прожить без секса, но не можете без очков).

·...you have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it (у вас вечеринка, а ваши соседи об этом даже не подозревают).

·...your back goes out more than you do (ваша спина выходит из строя чаще, чем вы выходите в люди).

·...your ears are hairier than your head (у вас в ушах больше волос, чем на голове).

·...you're asleep, but others worry that you're dead (вы уснули, но другие беспокоятся, не умерли ли вы).

·...you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm (вы не чувствуете разницы между сердечным приступом и оргазмом).

·...you sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there (вы впиваетесь зубами в бифштекс, и они там и остаются).

·...work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work (работа становится все менее веселой, а веселье все больше похоже на работу).

·...the gleam in your eye is the sun hitting your bifocals (свет в ваших глазах – это всего лишь солнце, отсвечивающее от ваших бифокальных линз).

Test your understanding:

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor, and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

***

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

***

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

***

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

***

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old gals are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' (Wednesday)

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' (thirsty)

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A woman was telling her neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more...!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Смешная расшифровка названий некоторых авиакомпаний:

Aeroflot – scareflop (flop – падать), aeroflop, airline gulag

PIA (Pakistan international airlines) – “Perhaps it will arrive”, “Please, inform Allah”

L’air France – L’air chance

BA (British Airways) – “Bloody Awful” (in a habit of losing passengers’ luggage)

TAP Portugal – “Take another plane”

Sabena (Belgium) – Such a bad experience! Never again!

SAS – “Same as Sabena”

El Al (Израиль) – “Always Late”

Finnair – “Fucking is never-never allowed in the rear”

When in Russia…

(Перефразированная пословица “When in Rome, do what the Romans do” – в чужой монастырь со своим уставом не ходят, в Тулу со своим самоваром не ездят)

	- What is a duty-free shop in Russia? - It’s a shop where salesmen neglect their duties.
	Duty-free shop – магазин беспошлинной торговли Другое значение слова duty – обязанность, долг Neglect one’s duties – пренебрегать своими обязанностями
	- What’s a definition of know-how? - Russians start a joint-venture with Americans. Americans bring their equipment to Russia. The first questions the Americans put to the Russian party: Do you know how to use it? The answer: “No! How?”
	По-моему, понятно без пояснений
	Tipping in Russia (in the eyes of a foreigner)
	Tipping isn’t a must in Russia unless you want anything done.
	Давать чаевые в России не обязательно, конечно, если только вы не хотите, чтобы кто-нибудь что-нибудь для вас сделал.
	Tipping insults a person…but most people insist on being insulted.
	Чаевые оскорбляют людей… но многие настаивают на том, чтобы их оскорбили.
	It’s a gesture of goodwill to tip anyone who’s been of assistance, whether they’ve driven you, carried your bags or performed a minor surgical operation.
	Считается жестом доброй воли давать на чай всем, кто что-то для тебя сделал: подвез, поднес багаж или выполнил несложную хирургическую операцию.
	Taxi drivers should be tipped at least 10% unless you are prepared to exit a moving vehicle.
	Таксистам полагается давать на чай хотя бы 10% от стоимости поездки, если, конечно, вы не планируете выходить из автомобиля на ходу.
	It’s usual for passengers to tip their pilot following an incident-free landing.
	(Про такое я не слышал. Вот аплодировать действительно принято, и иностранцы тоже с удовольствием хлопают в ладоши)
	Porters should be tipped minimum 2 dollars per suitcase or as much as it takes to make them leave.
	Носильщикам принято давать минимум по 2 доллара за каждый чемодан, ну или столько, сколько будет достаточно, чтобы они ушли (оставили вас в покое).
	Don’t fail to tip the maids who clean your room, otherwise there is a strong chance they will return and mess it up again.
	Не забывайте оставлять чаевые горничным, которые убирают ваш номер. В противном случае, они могут вернуться и снова перевернуть все вверх дном.
	Smoking policy in Russia
	There are no smoking-free areas in Russia. There are areas for smokers and chain-smokers.
	В России нет мест для некурящих. Есть места для курящих и места для дымящих одну за одной.
	A person who smokes less than 10 cigarettes a day is considered a non-smoker.
	Человек, выкуривающий менее 10 сигарет в день, считается некурящим.
	When a Russian sees the sign “No smoking”, he takes off his tuxedo.
	Когда русский видит табличку «Не курить» (ноу смокинг), он снимает смокинг.
	When you plan a visit to a Russian family, don’t forget to bring a bottle of champagne, a bouquet of flowers and, if they have kids in the family – cigarettes.
	Когда вы собираетесь в гости в русскую семью, не забудьте принести с собой бутылку шампанского, букет цветов и, если в семье есть дети, пачку сигарет.

You know you've been in Russia too long when...

* You don't think things are that bad right now.
* You have to think twice about throwing away an empty instant coffee jar.
* You carry a plastic shopping bag with you 'just in case' (авось понадобится – авоська).
* You say he/she is 'on the meeting' (instead of 'at the' or 'in a' meeting).
* You answer the phone by saying 'allo, allo, allo' before giving the caller a chance to respond.
* You save table scraps for the cats living in the courtyard.
* When crossing the street, you sprint.
* In winter, you choose your route by determining which icicles are least likely to impale you in the head.
* You are impressed with the new model Lada or Volga car.
* You let the telephone ring at least 4 times before you pick it up because it is probably a misconnection or electrical fault.
* You hear the radio say it is zero degrees outside and you think it is a nice day for a change.
* You actually know and CARE whether Spartak won last night.
* You win a shoving match with an old babushka for a place in line and you are proud of it.
* You are pleasantly surprised when there is toilet paper in the WC at work.
* You look at people's shoes to determine where they are from.
* You are thrown off guard when the doorman at the nightclub is happy to see you.

* You're not sure what to do when the GAI (traffic cop) only asks you to pay the official fine.
* You wonder what the tax inspector really wants when she says everything is in order.
* You give a 10% tip only if the waiter has been really exceptional.
* You plan your vacation around those times of the year when the hot water is turned off.
* You are relieved when the guy standing next to you on the bus actually uses a handkerchief.
* You ask for no ice in your drink.
* You go mushroom and berry picking out of necessity instead of recreation.
* You develop a liking for beetroot.
* You know what Dostoyevsky's favourite colour was.
* You start to believe that you're a character in a Tolstoi novel.
* You know seven people whose favorite novel is 'The Master and Margarita'.
* You change into tapki (slippers) and wash your hands as soon as you walk into your apartment.
* You take a trip to Budapest and think you've been to heaven.
* You start thinking of black bread as a good chaser for vodka.
* You drink the brine from empty pickle jars.
* You can read barcodes, and you start shopping for products by their country of production.
* You begin to refer to locals as nashi (ours).
* It doesn't seem strange to pay the GAI $2.25 for crossing the double line while making an illegal U-turn, and $35 for a microwaved dish of frozen vegetables at a crappy restaurant.
* Your coffee cups habitually smell of vodka.
* You know more than 60 Olgas.
* You give your business card to social acquaintances.
* You wear a wool hat in the sauna.
* You put the empty bottle of wine on the floor in a restaurant.
* You have to check your passport for an arrival-in-Russia date.
* Remont (repair), pivo (beer) and nalivai (pour!) become integral parts of your vocabulary.
* Cigarette smoke becomes 'tolerable'.
* You think metal doors are a necessity.
* You no longer feel like going to your 'home' country.
* You speak to other expats in your native language, but forget a few of the simplest words and throw in some Russian ones.
* A gallon of gasoline or milk seems like a foreign concept.
* You no longer miss the foods you grew up with, and pass them up at foreign-owned supermarkets.
* You actually enjoy shopping at the rynok (market), and you think that Ramstore is the most advanced supermarket you've ever been to.
* You look for kvas and kefir in the supermarket, and ask to buy half head of cabbage.
* You don't feel guilty about not paying on the trolleybus.
* You can sleep through a hangover without curtains on your windows.
* The elevator aroma seems reassuring somehow.
* You no longer think washing clothes in the bathtub is an inconvenience.
* You can heat water on the stove and shower with it in less than 10 minutes.
* You do not take off that silly sticker on the sunglasses that you just bought.
* The sellers at the rynok start calling you by your patronymic only.
* You have had your clothes ruined by all the so-called Western style dry cleaners and have to start the cycle over again.
* You bring your own scale and calculator to the market to make sure the amount you are charged is correct.
* You know the Moscow Metro better than you know the subway system back home.
* A weekend anywhere in the Baltics qualifies as a trip to the West.
* You start buying Russian toilet paper.

* You sit in silence with your eyes shut for a few moments before leaving on any long journey.
* You look in the mirror to turn away bad luck if you have to return home to pick up something you've forgotten.
* You catch yourself whistling indoors and feel guilty.
* You never smile in public when you're alone.
* You know the official at the metro station/airport/border post/post office/railway station etc. etc. is going to say nyet, but you argue anyway.
* You save tea bags of Yorkshire Tea brought over especially from home to use for a second cup later...
* You go back to England and notice how frosty, unemotional, unsentimental and cold the Brits are and long to return to the warm rush of the Russian dusha (soul).
* When that strange pungent mix of odors of stale sawdust, sweat and grime in the metro makes you feel safe and at home...
* You are in awe that after 3 days home your shoes are still clean.
* You are afraid of offending someone by asking him or her what they do for a living.
* (For women) When you dress up in your best outfits for work and ride the metro.
* When the word 'salad' ceases for you to have anything to do with lettuce.
* When mayonnaise becomes your dressing of choice.
* When you begin paying attention to peoples' floors and can distinguish the quality of linoleum and/or parquet, and thus determine social status, taste, and income e.g. embezzled, earned, pension, unpaid, etc.)
* You get excited when the dentist smiles and has all his own teeth.
* You do all your shopping at kiosks.
* You voluntarily take a stroll in the park, Baltika beer in hand.
* When pulled over by a policeman, you pretend not to speak Russian and say Ya ne ponedelnik instead of Ya ne ponimayu on purpose.
* You pretend not to speak Russian when you walk in to a restaurant and ask to use their loo without buying anything.

* You are no longer surprised when your taxi driver tells you that before Perestroika he worked as a rocket scientist.
* You laugh at Russian jokes.
* You actually get these jokes.
* You actually spend time writing these jokes!
* You feel queasy when someone tries to shake your hand over a threshold.
* You continue to 'cross' the number 7 back at home.
* You think it's too hot, no matter what season you return home.
* You are dumbstruck back at home when high school or college students wait on you with a smile, reciting a 90 second spiel on the 'specials of the day' and display complete knowledge of the contents of each menu item...
* You never take a spoon out of your cup of tea or coffee and instead you keep one eye closed to avoid injuries;
* you take out a little shine sponge and shine your shoes before getting off the marshrutka!
* You store your food between the outer and inner glass in the window because you do not have a refrigerator
* Your sunflower seeds are as addictive as cigarettes if not more so.
* You don’t get cancer even if you smoke for 40 years, because Russian cigarettes don’t cause cancer!
* You know you live in Russia when your toilet paper sometimes replaced by last week's newspaper.
* You know you live in Russia when you see that in shops the most popular jeans are with word "RICH" on the ass
* When your shoes and your cell phone cost more than your University education
* You know you live in Russia when your toilet paper at home is pink, blue or yellow and smells like strawberries, ocean or multifruit
* When in a crowded bus you can lift your feet up and still be standing.
* You realize that all the above and the other messages on this subject posted here are what you love about Russia, that you've been here long enough to feel at home and wonder whether you'll ever able to fit back in the old country.

Education

Дата добавления: 2015-07-19