Edit]A Study in Pink

Series 1

The police don't consult amateurs.

edit]A Study in Pink

I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

(25 July 2010)

Therapist: How's your blog going?

Dr. Watson: Yeah, good. Very good.

Therapist: You haven’t written a word, have you?

John Watson: You just wrote ‘still has trust issues’.

Therapist: And you read my writing upside down. You see what I mean?

Sherlock Holmes: [Unzips a body-bag, smiles at what he sees] How fresh?

Molly Hooper: Just in, 67, natural causes. He used to work here, I knew him, he was nice.

Sherlock Holmes: Fine. We'll start with the riding crop.

[Cuts to Sherlock beating the dead body with a riding crop. He stops suddenly]

Molly Hooper: Bad day was it?

Sherlock Holmes: I need to know what bruises form in the next twenty minutes. A man's alibi depends on it. Text me.

Molly Hooper: Listen, I was wondering. Maybe later when you’re finished—

Sherlock Holmes: You’re wearing lipstick. You weren’t wearing lipstick before.

Molly Hooper: I, uh, I refreshed it a bit.

Sherlock Holmes: [beat] Sorry. You were saying?

Molly Hooper: I was wondering if you’d like to have coffee?

Sherlock Holmes: Black, two sugars please. I’ll be upstairs.

[Sherlock leaves the room]

Molly Hooper:...Okay.

Sherlock Holmes: Sorry, gotta dash, I think I left my riding crop in the mortuary.

John Watson: [upon first seeing Baker Street] Well this is a prime spot. Must be expensive.

Sherlock Holmes: Mrs. Hudson, the landlady is giving me a special deal. She owes me a favour. A few years back her husband got himself sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to help out.

John Watson: You stopped her husband from being executed?

Sherlock Holmes: Oh, no. I ensured it.

[In the back of a taxi]

Sherlock Holmes: Okay, you've got questions.

John Watson: Yeah. Where are we going?

Sherlock Holmes: Crime scene. Next?

John Watson: Who are you? What do you do?

Sherlock Holmes: What do you think?

John Watson: I'd say private detective...

Sherlock Holmes: But...

John Watson:But the police don't go to private detectives.

Sherlock Holmes: I'm a consulting detective. The only one in the world. I invented the job.

John Watson:What does that mean?

Sherlock Holmes: It means whenever the police are out of their depth — which is always — they consult me.

John Watson: [scoffs.] The police don't consult amateurs. [Sherlock looks at him askance, then gives a sly smile.]

Sherlock Holmes: When I met you for the first time yesterday, I said "Afghanistan or Iraq?" You looked surprised.

John Watson: Yes. How did you know?

Sherlock Holmes: I didn't know, I saw. [flashback begins] Your haircut, the way you hold yourself, says military. But your conversation as you entered the room — said trained at Bart's, so army doctor. Obvious. Your face is tanned, but no tan above the wrists — you've been abroad but not sunbathing. The limp's really bad when you walk, but you don't ask for a chair when you stand, like you've forgotten about it, so it's at least partly psychosomatic. That says the original circumstances of the injury were probably traumatic — wounded in action, then. Wounded in action, suntan — Afghanistan or Iraq.

John Watson: You said I had a therapist.

Sherlock Holmes: You've got a psychosomatic limp. Of course you've got a therapist. Then there's your brother. Your phone — it's expensive, email enabled, MP3 player. But you're looking for a flat-share, you wouldn't waste money on this. It's a gift, then. Scratches — not one, many over time. It's been in the same pocket as keys and coins. The man sitting next to me wouldn't treat his one luxury item like this, so it's had a previous owner. The next bit's easy, you know it already. [We see a closeup of the back of the phone, which has been engraved "Harry Watson — from Clara xxx"]

John Watson: The engraving?

Sherlock Holmes: Harry Watson — clearly a family member who's given you his old phone. Not your father — this is a young man's gadget. Could be a cousin, but you're a war hero who can't find a place to live. Unlikely you've got an extended family, certainly not one you're close to, so brother it is. Now, Clara — who's Clara? Three kisses says a romantic attachment. Expensive phone says wife, not girlfriend. Must've given it to him recently — this model's only six months old. Marriage in trouble, then — six months on, and already he's giving it away? If she'd left him, he would've kept it. People do, sentiment. But no, he wanted rid of it — he left her. He gave the phone to you, that says he wants you to stay in touch. [beat.] You're looking for cheap accommodation and you're not going to your brother for help? That says you've got problems with him. Maybe you liked his wife, maybe you don't like his drinking.

John Watson: How can you possibly know about the drinking?

Sherlock Holmes: Shot in the dark. Good one, though. Power connection — tiny little scuff marks around the edge. Every night he goes to plug it in and charge but his hands are shaky. You never see those marks on a sober man's phone, never see a drunk's without them. There you go, you see? You were right.

John Watson: I was right? Right about what?

Sherlock Holmes: The police don't consult amateurs.

[Long beat.]

John Watson: [slowly, grudgingly.] That was amazing.

Sherlock Holmes: [deadpan] You think so?

John Watson: Of course it was. It was extraordinary. It was quite... extraordinary.

Sherlock Holmes: That’s not what people normally say.

John Watson: What do people normally say?

Sherlock Holmes: "Piss off!"

[Getting out of the taxi and on the way to the crime scene.]

Sherlock Holmes: Did I get anything wrong?

John Watson: Harry and me don't get on, never have. Clara and Harry split up three months ago and they're getting a divorce. And Harry is a drinker.

Sherlock Holmes: Spot on, then. I didn't expect to be right about everything.

John Watson: Harry's short for Harriet.

Sherlock Holmes: Harry's your sister.

John Watson: What exactly am I supposed to be doing here?

Sherlock Holmes: Sister!

John Watson: No, seriously, what am I doing here?

Sherlock Holmes: There's always something.

[Sherlock has a small squabble with Anderson upon arriving at the new crime scene]

Sherlock Holmes: Ah, Anderson. Here we are again.

Anderson: It's a crime scene. I don't want it contaminated! Are we clear on that?

Sherlock Holmes: Very clear. Is your wife away for long?

Anderson: Oh don't pretend you worked that out! Somebody told you that!

Sherlock Holmes: Your deodorant told me that.

Anderson: My deodorant.

Sherlock Holmes: It's for men.

Anderson: Well of course it's for men! I'm wearing it!

Sherlock Holmes: So's Sergeant Donovan. [sniffs] Ooh... I think it just vaporised. May I go in?

Anderson: Now look, whatever you're implying-

Sherlock Holmes: I'm not implying anything. I'm sure Sally came round for a nice little chat, and just happened to stay over. And I assume she scrubbed your floor, going by the state of her knees.

[Sally looks visibly embarrassed]

[Sherlock is looking at Jennifer Wilson's body, alone with Lestrade and John]

Sherlock Holmes: Shut up.

Detective Inspector Lestrade: I didn't say anyth —

Sherlock Holmes: You were thinking. It's annoying.

Lestrade: Cardiff?

Sherlock Holmes: It’s obvious, isn’t it?

John Watson: It’s not obvious to me.

Sherlock Holmes: Dear God. What is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.

Anderson: She's German. [Anderson says breaking Sherlocks' concentration] "Rache," German for revenge, she could be trying to tell us...

Sherlock Holmes: [Interrupts] Yes, thank you for your input. [Shuts the door in Anderson's face]

John Watson: You don’t have a girlfriend, then?

Sherlock Holmes: Girlfriend? No, not really my area.

John Watson: Oh right then. [pause] Do you have a boyfriend? Which is fine, by the way —

Sherlock Holmes: I know it’s fine.

John Watson: So you’ve got a boyfriend?

Sherlock Holmes: No.

John Watson: Right, okay. You’re unattached, just like me. Fine. Good.

Sherlock Holmes: John, um... I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work and while I am flattered by your interest I’m —

John Watson: No —

Sherlock Holmes: — really not looking for anyone —

John Watson: No. I’m not asking — no. I was just saying. It’s all fine.

Sherlock Holmes: Good. Thank you.

Sherlock Holmes: [about the murder victim] Her coat is slightly damp; she's been in heavy rain in the last few hours. No rain anywhere in London in that time. Under her coat collar is damp too; she's turned it up against the wind. She's got an umbrella in her left-hand pocket, but it's dry and unused: not just wind, strong wind, too strong to use her umbrella. We know from her suitcase that she was intending to stay overnight, so she must have come a decent distance, but she can't have traveled more than two or three hours because her coat still hasn't dried. So, where has there been heavy rain and strong wind within the radius of that travel time? Cardiff.

Dr John Watson: That's fantastic!

Sherlock Holmes: Do you know you do that out loud?

Dr John Watson: Sorry. I'll shut up.

Sherlock Holmes: No, it's... fine.

Sherlock Holmes: That's clever. Is it clever? Why is it clever?

Sherlock Holmes: We've got a serial killer on our hands. Love those, there's always something to look forward to.

Sherlock Holmes: Did he offer you money to spy on me...?

John Watson: Yes.

Sherlock Holmes: Did you take it?

John Watson:...No?

Sherlock Holmes: Pity, we could've split the fee. Think it through next time.

John Watson: You got all that because you realised the case would be pink?

Sherlock Holmes: Well, it had to be pink, obviously.

John Watson: Why didn't I think of that?

Sherlock Holmes: Because you're an idiot. [John looks up, insulted.] No, no, no, don't be like that, practically everyone is.

[To retrieve the suitcase, Scotland Yard executes a pretend drugs bust on Sherlock's apartment]

Anderson: We found the case! According to someone, "the murderer has the case". And we found it in the hands of our favourite psychopath!

Sherlock Holmes: [with contempt] I'm not a psychopath, Anderson, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

[Sherlock finds Lestrade carrying out a fake drugs bust]

Sherlock Holmes: You can't just break into my flat!

DI Lestrade: And you can't withhold evidence! And I didn't break in to your flat.

Sherlock Holmes: Well what do you call this then?

DI Lestrade: It's a drugs bust!

Dr. John Watson: Seriously. This guy, a junkie? Have you met him?

Sherlock Holmes: John.

Dr. John Watson: I'm pretty sure you could search this flat all day and you wouldn't find anything that you could call recreational.

Sherlock Holmes: John, you might want to shut up now.

Dr. John Watson: Yeah, but come on... no...

Sherlock Holmes: What?

Dr. John Watson:...You?

Sherlock Holmes: Shut up. I'm not your sniffer dog.

DI Lestrade: No, Anderson's my sniffer dog.

Sherlock Holmes: What A- [spots Anderson] Anderson? What are you doing here on a drugs bust?!

Anderson: Oh I volunteered.

DI Lestrade: They all did. They're not strictly speaking on the drug squad, but they're very keen.

[Sgt Sally Donovan comes out of the kitchen with eyes in a small clear plastic bag]

Sgt. Sally Donovan: Are these human eyes?

Sherlock Holmes: Put those back!

Sgt. Sally Donovan: They were in the microwave!

Sherlock Holmes: It's an experiment!

Sherlock Holmes: Shut up everybody, shut up! Don't move, don't speak, don't breathe, I'm trying to think. Anderson, face the other way, you're putting me off.

DI Lestrade: What, my face is?

Sherlock: Everybody, quiet and still. Anderson, turn your back.

Anderson: Oh, for God's sake...

Sherlock: Your back! Now, please!

Sherlock Holmes: Anderson, don't talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street.

Lestrade: But how..?

Sherlock Holmes:... What do you mean how?

[Lestrade shrugs]

Sherlock Holmes: Rachel!... Don't you see? Rachel!

Everyone: [stares blankly]

Sherlock Holmes:... Ha. Look at you lot. You're all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing.

Lestrade: Maybe it was in the case when you brought it back. And it fell out somewhere.

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