Jokes (Revised)

1.Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

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2."I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had

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3.Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

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4.Blonde on the Run
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says the redhead. "It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.
"Woof," says the brunette. "Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.
"Potatoes," says the blonde.

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5.A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

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6.A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."

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7.Eleven year old's environmental studies essay on the effect of oil pollution: 'When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.'

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8.Jill: You remind me of the sea.
Jack: Because I'm wild, unpredictable and romantic?
Jill: No, because you make me sick.

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9.A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts smiling, I'm heading home"!
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10.A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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11. The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
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12.A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid new computer keeps saying, "You've Got Mail."
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13.Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!"
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14.A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful and loving couple."
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America. We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horseback. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. "I shouted at her, 'What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you crazy!?' She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.' And from that moment on, we have lived together happily every after."

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15. A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.
"Mayday! Mayday! My pilot just died!"
Ground control receives her call for help and answers back, "Don't worry, Madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."
"I'm 5’2” and sitting in the right front seat."
Ground control responds, "Repeat after me: Our Father... Who are in Heaven..

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16. Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice

while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would

head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like

my singing?" Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors

know I'm not beating you.

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17. "WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?" Said the irate elderly customer after calling the newspaper office - very loudly demanding to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow - on SUNDAY."
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter... "Well, that explains why no one was at church either!”

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18. A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response,
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says,

"Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good.

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19. The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture."
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife."

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20. A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one

wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
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21. An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,

'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on

the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate

it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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22. During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google, it was found that a blonde was using the

following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8

characters long and include at least one capital.

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23. A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your

stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes

the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most

dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the

most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

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24. At the banquet of their golden wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

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A driver was caught by an automated system that measured his speed and photographed his car. Later he received a ticket for 40 Pounds in the mail and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The driver promptly sent the money for the fine.

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26. A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter. As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?" "Are you trying to be funny?" she replied. "No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."

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27. They were seated in a tramcar - the mother and her little boy. The conductor eyed the little boy suspiciously. He had to keep a lookout for people who pretended that their children were younger than they really were, in order to obtain free rides for them. "And how old is your little boy, madam, please?" "Three and a half," said the mother truth-

fully. "Right, ma'am," said the conductor, satisfied. Little Willie pondered a minute. It seemed to him that fuller information was required. "And mother's thirty-one," he said politely.

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28. A large two-engined passenger train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. "We're in flatlands, so the other engine would just be unnecessary power."
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided not fly, but to take the train instead!"

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29. A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..."
"But how the heck did you burn the other ear?" the doctor asked.
"How do you think I called you people?"

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30. The four years old boy got the new brother and a stream of relatives came to congratulate the family with new child. The infant was loudly crying and one of the uncles asked the elder brother:

- Why it is that he cries so much?

- And why shouldn't he? - The boy answered in exasperation, - If you would haven't either teeth nor hair, your legs wouldn't hold you and your arms wouldn't obey you, you would shout 10 times louder than he does now!

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31. The routine of everyday is in progress. The son is in the bed but he is not sleepy and the father is telling him fairy tales to make him sleep. One hour passed. The only sound in the house is the low murmur of the father's voice. Two hours passed and there is deep silence in the child's room. The mother tiptoed to the room door and whispered:

- Is he asleep, honey?

- Yes, mommy, - she got the answer from her small son.

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32. When I stopped the bus to pick up Steven for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him

as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes," Steven said. "She's come to visit us

for the holidays." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," he replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

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33. Two children went into their parent's bathroom, and noticed the scale in the corner.

"Whatever you do," the older child cautioned the younger one, "don't step on it!" "Why

not?" asked the sibling. "Because every time Mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"

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34. Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy, grumpy voice, I

said "hello". The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment, before rushing breathlessly into

a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan, and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going

to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat, but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what

happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theatre. Please don't be mad, OK?" Since I

don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialled my number by mistake. "I'm sorry, dear," I

replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan." "Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

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35. A man, in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

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36. The car stalled at a traffic light, and a cop watched from across the street as the vehicle sat through red, yellow, green, red, yellow, green. Finally, he walked over to the struggling motorist and said, "What's wrong, sir, don't we have a color you like?"

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The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride

arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now

do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

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38. One day, Doug was playing ball in the house, which was strictly against the rules, and he accidentally broke a vase in the living room. "Oh, no, my mom's gonna kill me!", he thought

desperately. He frantically tried to fix it, any way he could. But tape, glue, even Super glue wouldn't

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