Chapter 3 9 страница

"I’m afraid I’d hate myself for not having been able to prepare for the news.”

Looking at her with an expression of warm concern, Kylie asked, “How would you ever prepare yourself for that?”

Blair rolled her head slowly, trying to work some of the tension from her muscles. "I don't have the slightest idea." She looked at Kylie and said, "I told you I wasn't thinking clearly."

Kylie shook her head. “No, no, you're doing well. Just think about it for a minute. If you knew the baby had a genetic defect, how do you think you'd react?"

The room was completely silent, but Blair was sure she could hear her own heart beating. The question she'd been avoiding was finally on the table, and it scared her to death. “I guess I might have to decide to abort if the birth defects were severe enough.”

“Would you?” Kylie gave her a penetrating look, holding her gaze for a long time. "Would you be able to make the decision to abort if the baby had a severe problem?"

“No,” she said immediately, surprising herself. “I guess I could withhold treatment once the baby was born if he didn't have brain function or something horrible, but I can't make the decision to actually kill my baby.” She shuddered roughly, and shook her head. “I can't.”

“Then don’t have the test,” Kylie said. She blinked and said, “I just told you what to do!”

“You sure did,” Blair said, tears welling up in her eyes. “Thank you, thank you so much, Kylie.” She leaned forward and brushed her lips against her friend’s, then held onto her for a long hug. “This is the right decision for me. Thank you, thank you for helping me make it.”

“Any time,” she sighed. Pulling away, she got to her feet and tugged Blair up with her. “Time for dinner.” She walked with her to the kitchen and stood in the doorway for a moment, looking pensive. “Let’s make a pact. Let’s both believe that you have the healthiest, happiest baby in the whole world growing inside of you. Belief can make things happen, Blair, and I’m a believer.”

Blair looked at her, seeing the quiet confidence she radiated and allowed herself to feel its infectious power. “I believe, too, Kylie. I do.”

„G

On Friday night, Blair came into the house and found Kylie in the den, reading. "I've got great news," she said.

Her delivery was so unenthusiastic and her expression so flat that Kylie said, "You look pissed off. That's never good news."

"Oh. I sat in Monique's office for two hours before I finally gave up. I had to psyche myself up so much to make the decision about not having the amnio, and now I'm bummed that I have to wait to tell her." She walked over to Kylie and threaded her hands through her hair, giving her curls a little fluffing. "I wanted to get it over with, so I could stop worrying about it."

"Aww … that sucks. And I know how you hate to wait. You must have been pissed off, too."

"Yeah, even though I understand her schedule is bound to be unpredictable, I'll never like it." She made a face and then tried to look happier. "I shouldn't make a big deal about it. I'll just go next week."

"Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but Monique's only gonna be in the office on Monday and Tuesday. She's going away for a long weekend."

"Then it'll be the week after that," Blair said. "I can't let a little delay bring me down."

"So what's the good news?" Kylie asked.

Blair stuck her hands out and took in a deep breath. She opened one eye a little bit and said, "I'm getting excited." Another deep breath, a little running in place, then she opened her eyes and raised her voice to a higher register. "I think I’ve found you a puppy!” She jumped up and down as much as her changing body would let her, looking like a happy child.

“Let’s go get it!” Kylie cried. She scrambled to her feet, grabbed Blair's hand and headed for the garage.

"Wait!" Blair pulled her to a stop. Her enthusiasm drained out of her in a moment. “That’ll take a little work. It’s in Boston.”

“Boston! The only Norfolk terrier in the country is in Boston?”

“Well, no,” she said, looking abashed. “There’s a litter in Pacific Palisades.”

“Blair, I could walk to Pacific Palisades. Why on earth would I go to Boston?”

“’Cause the one in Boston needs you more,” she said, batting her eyes at her friend.

“Come sit down here and give me the whole story,” Kylie demanded, “’cause I want to go to Pacific Palisades right now and get a puppy!”

“Okay,” she said. She took a deep breath and told the whole truth. “I want you to take a dog that’s been rescued. I’ve been trying to find one that was abandoned.”

“Because …?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do. There are so many dogs that people give away that it just seems wrong to buy one from a breeder. You don’t want to make it into a show dog, Kylie, and you don’t want to breed it, so why not take a dog that someone else didn’t want?”

Seeing the hopeful look in her friend’s eyes, Kylie nodded agreeably. “Okay, I see your point. But I want a puppy. I want to make sure the dog's socialized properly when it’s young so that it’s good with the baby. Besides, the book says that the dog can be tough to potty train. I don't want a dog that someone gave away because it peed all over his house.”

“I found you a puppy,” Blair said. “Some family bought a puppy from a breeder, and when the children didn’t feed it and walk it like they'd promised to, the parents took it to the pound. A woman in Boston rescues Norfolks, and she took him in. He’s sixteen weeks old, and she said he's just perfect. He needs a home, Kylie — don’t you want to adopt him?”

Something about the way Blair’d said "adopt" nearly made Kylie cry. She found her head nodding decisively. “Let’s call. I want him.”

Throwing her arms around her friend, Blair started to cry, sobbing pitifully. “I knew you’d want to take him, I just knew it.” And suddenly Kylie felt as proud of herself as she had at any time in her life.

„G

"Hi, Linda. This is Blair Spencer. My friend, Kylie, definitely wants the puppy."

"Oh, that's good to hear, Blair. When can she come to Boston?"

"She has to come? I thought you could just send the puppy —"

"Oh, no. I'd never do that in a rescue situation, Blair. This dog has been through enough turmoil having to change homes twice in the last four weeks. I have to make sure Kylie is going to be a good owner."

"I can understand that," Blair said, "but Boston is quite a trip."

"I'm sure there will be a dog on the West Coast, Blair. If it's too much for her to get away, she'll just have to be patient."

Kylie saw how the conversation was going, so she asked for the phone. "Hi, Linda, this is Kylie."

"Hi. Blair tells me that it'll be tough for you to get out here. I wish I could help, Kylie, but I can only wait another week. Blair called first, but I've gotten a dozen calls since then."

"It's not a problem," Kylie said. "I can be in Boston on Thursday, if that works for you."

"That's great. Why don’t you give me your address, and I'll e-mail you all of the details."

Kylie finished with Linda, turned in her chair and shrugged. "I guess I'm going to Boston."

"Can I go, too?"

"Sure. We can go on Wednesday night, since Thursday is the 4th of July. We could come back later that day or stay over and come back Friday." She went to her wallet to pull out a credit card, but stopped on the way back, pausing to tap her nose with the card for a moment. “How close is Boston to Maine?”

“You could drive it easily. Why … oh, I know,” she said. “Someone wants to go pay a visit to Professor Amanda, lesbian poet.”

“Well … I’ll be right in the neighborhood … it would be rude not to stop by. I’ve always wanted to see Maine, you know. Actually, it’s a life goal.” She was grinning, and Blair gave her a pat.

“Tryin' to dump me, huh?"

"Well, not dump exactly, but …"

"Go ahead, Doc. Call her and pitch the idea. You do have her number, don’t you?”

“Why, I believe I do,” Kylie said. “But since this trip will cost me an arm and a leg, I think I’ll send her an e-mail. Much cheaper.”

„G

Amanda was happy to have a guest, and Kylie was able to rearrange her schedule, so she was able to make the trip guilt-free. But her clear conscience didn’t extend to Blair. “I don’t like the idea of your being here all alone. I think I’ll have Nick come stay with you. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

“Kylie, I haven’t needed a babysitter since I was ten. I certainly don’t need Nick to watch me. If I have any trouble, I can call David; he’s five minutes from here.”

“But who’s going to keep you company at night? And you know, you sleep better after a little massage.”

“Some pregnant women go an entire nine months without one massage. Rumor has it that the experience doesn’t leave lasting scars. Now I want you to go, and I want you to have fun doing whatever you people do on a second date.”

“You people?” Kylie said, blinking.

“Just trying to get your goat, Doc. Now lighten up. Give me a nice backrub tonight and make it extra special to make up for the ones I’ll be missing.”

“You got it,” Kylie said.

„G

By the time Blair got home from a dinner meeting on Wednesday night, Kylie had already left for the airport. She found a pillow, nearly the size of Kylie and with a note taped to it, sitting in her friend’s usual place on the sofa in the den.

Hi,

Cuddle up with me while you sleep in

front of the TV, then take me to bed with

you. I know I’m really big, but that means

you can drape a leg over me, and that

might help take some of the strain off

your back.

I’m no substitute for Kylie’s magic

fingers, but that’s understandable since

she’s god-like. She’ll be home on Sunday

night, and she said to tell you that she

misses you and Baby Spencer already.

Puffy

Damn, she must have some very scary hidden quirks to still be single. Maybe she forces her girlfriends to undergo "minor" surgical procedures once she gets 'em alone. Blair giggled for a moment, wishing Kylie were there to hear her joke. Well, there's nothing else to do around here; it's time for a nap.

Smiling, Blair kicked off her shoes, slipped off the skirt that had been digging into her belly all evening, and curled up with Puffy, barely remembering to turn the TV on before she fell asleep.

„G

Kylie had not recruited Nick for babysitting duty, but Blair wasn’t surprised in the least when the psychologist just happened to call her on Thursday afternoon to ask if he could take her to dinner. “Did she coerce you into this, Nick? ‘Cause I’m all right.”

“No, actually, it was my idea,” he said. “I’ve been wanting to try a new place on Montana, and I thought you'd be the ideal date.”

“Sold,” Blair said, knowing that he was lying a bit, but not minding. “Drop by my office whenever you’re free. I have tons of work to do, so just get here when you can.”

"It's the 4th of July!"

"Real estate agents work when there's something to be done. And lately I've had a hell of a lot to do."

Nick arrived quite early, just after5:00, and Blair was very happy to see him. Sitting at her desk for long was hell on her back, and she loved the idea of a nice walk to help her get the kinks out. “How far is this new place?” she asked.

“It’s at Montana and 22nd Street,” he said. “Is that too far to walk?”

“She told you to make me walk, didn’t she?” Blair asked, eyes narrowing.

“Well,” he drawled, “she mentioned that if we happened to go out, it might be best to make sure we got in a nice, long walk. You know, dinner was my idea, but Kylie made me promise to take you for a walk on the palisades this weekend.”

“She watches me like a hawk,” Blair said, laughing. “Is she like this with all of her friends?”

He hesitated for a moment, then shook his head. “No, actually, she’s not. She doesn’t mother her other friends at all." He gave Blair an appraising look and said, "I've known her for quite a while, and I'm surprised by how generous and concerned she's been with you. You bring out a side of her that only Stacey got to see.” He smiled and said, “You've gotten beneath her façade, and that's not easy to do.”

„G

They were nearly at the restaurant when they passed a café with an outdoor seating area. Blair was speaking when she stopped mid-word and stared at a couple as if she’d been turned to stone. Nick put his hand on her shoulder to see what was wrong, and she managed to gasp out, “My husband!”

He whirled and saw a man and a woman, laughing and sharing a platter of oysters, then looked at Blair again. Her normal demeanor slowly returned, and without looking at Nick, she said, “I’ll be right back,” then stalked away before he could move. She approached the railing that separated the diners from pedestrians and tapped a man on the shoulder. David's eyes nearly popped from his head when he turned and saw her.

“Blair!”

“David,” she said briskly. Extending her hand, she faced the woman and said, “Blair Spencer. David’s wife.” She said the word wife with as much emphasis as possible, feeling some satisfaction when the woman looked more than a little abashed.

“I'm Kimmy Reynolds. David and I work together,” she managed to get out. “We were just, uhm … talking about work. We're having a … meeting.”

David looked too stunned to speak, and after a moment, it became clear that he wasn't going to.

“Ahh … the 4th of July is always a good time to meet,” Blair snapped. "Although it's hard to hear each other over the fireworks." She twitched her head at Nick and turned in the direction whence they’d come, marching away like an army of one.

„G

It took almost three blocks to get Blair to stop shaking violently, then another quick side trip to let her vomit against the curb. Nick had never been so cognizant of the lack of public transportation or cabs in his home city, but there were none to be found, and Blair and he were forced to walk the entire fifteen blocks.

When they reached her office, he said, "I'm gonna take you home. You're in no condition to drive."

"Look, Nick, I know what I'm capable of. I can drive home, and I'm going to."

"Blair, I don't think that's wise."

She put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. "I've been through worse traumas in the last few months. I'll be fine."

She entered Kylie’s house at 6:30 and spent the next half-hour cursing David’s name — wishing she’d never met the man — hoping that catastrophe befell him in the immediate future — and thanking God that her baby would not share one single chromosome with the cheating bastard. She was just about drained of her anger and was well on her way to the depression she knew would follow, when the front doorbell rang. Assuming it was Nick, checking up on her, she went to the door and peeked out, surprised to find David standing on the porch. “Go fuck yourself,” she shouted through the closed door, kicking it sharply to emphasize her point.

“Come on, Blair, open up. I can explain,” he shouted.

“If I open this door, I might kill you,” she yelled back. “Still wanna come in?”

“Yes,” he hollered back. “I want you to know the truth.”

She flung the door open, looking as horrid as he had ever seen her. She hadn't gained much weight, and no one at work had noticed the changes in her body. But her waist had thickened, making her short, tight skirt look positively obscene once her jacket was off. Her eyes were red and bloodshot, her nose was running liberally and her expression was one of pure malevolence. “Go on, explain,” she shouted, hands balled into fists.

“She’s just a co-worker,” he said. “Really. I’ve never touched her, Blair!”

“I’ve met your co-workers,” she said. “Every person you work with is at least ten years older than that woman! Damn it, David, every one of your co-workers is a man.”

“She’s new,” he explained. “She doesn’t know her way around yet, so we went to dinner to talk about office politics. That’s it, Blair, I swear.”

“What does she do at your firm?” she asked, one eyebrow raised.

“She’s, uhm … she’s a receptionist.”

“Well, that makes sense,” she sneered. “I’m sure you have many techniques to share with her about how to answer the fucking phones properly!”

“Look,” he said, “you don’t have to believe me, but I have never touched her. Never.”

“How many times have you been out with her?” she demanded, sensing from his tone that this was not the first time they'd socialized.

Realizing he was digging himself in deeper, he told the truth, “We've had dinner or lunch together four times.”

“I’ve been out of the damned house for six weeks,” she yelled, “and you’ve had four dates!”

“They were not dates. I don’t pay for her. We just have a meal together or go to the movies. We’re just friends, Blair. Is it wrong to have a woman friend?”

“Yes. It’s wrong to have a woman friend when your pregnant wife's living away from home, while you're supposed to be making some changes so she can come back. Yes, in that case, it’s wrong to have a woman friend.”

“You were with a man,” he said, then wished he could pull that sentence right back in when he saw the hurt expression she gave him.

Tears flowing, she sniffed, “That was Nick, Kylie’s friend. She’s out of town, so she forced the poor guy to baby-sit me. She’s just my friend, and she cares enough to make sure I’m taken care of — even when she's gone. You, on the other hand, are spending all of your energy on making sure Kimmy can answer a phone. What in the fuck kind of name is Kimmy anyway? Adults aren't named Kimmy!"

“I didn't name her, Blair, and you're the one who didn't want to see me. You’re the one who made that rule, not me.” He glared at her and added, "But that shouldn't surprise me, since you've made all of the rules."

"I have to set down rules because you're so fucking helpless. All I hear from you is that you're not connected and you don't know how to change."

"I still don't," he grumbled.

"Have you made any progress at all in therapy?”

He looked down at the ground, silent for a moment. Finally, he said, “No. I haven’t.”

“In six weeks, you haven’t made any progress at all?”

“No.” Again he stared at the floor, infuriating her.

She grabbed him by the tie, yanking hard. “What have you been doing? I’m a third of the way through this pregnancy, and you haven’t made one bit of progress!”

He glared at her, while prying her fingers from his tie. “I’ve been humiliating myself. Three times a week, I go and tell Charles how it feels to be half a man.” He got right into her face and fumed, “You want to know why I like talking with Kimmy? I like her because she doesn’t know my dick doesn’t work right. I feel like a real man when I’m with her. Like I used to feel before this whole God damned mess started!”

She turned and walked down the hall, headed for her room. She didn’t much care if he stayed or left, she just had to get away from him and get out of her constricting clothing. Tossing clothes haphazardly, she reached into her dresser and pulled out the cozy flannel nightshirt that Kylie had recently bought for her. It was a message shirt, and she'd delighted in it until tonight. Now it seemed positively ironic, but she didn’t have many other things that fit her and kept her warm in the cool evenings. Tugging the navy blue garment into place, she looked at herself in the mirror, nearly shocking herself with how truly awful she looked. “Baby under construction, indeed,” she snarled at her image before returning to the entryway.

The front door was closed, and she assumed David had left. She actually let out a startled yip when she saw him sitting stiffly in the living room. “What do you want?” she asked tiredly.

“We were having a conversation —" he began, but she cut him off.

“What do you want to do about us?” she asked, clarifying her point.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I do know that I want to quit therapy. It’s not working, and it only makes me feel worse and worse.”

“Fine. Quit,” she said without emotion. “My question remains.”

He sat back heavily and scrubbed his face. “Do you have any liquor? I could use a drink.”

She had to think, then said, “Look in the cabinet over the sink. That's probably where she keeps it.”

He got up and looked, and she could hear him say something to himself. A few moments later, he came back, a stiff-looking drink in his hand. “She has some very nice Scotch.”

“She’s Scottish. Maybe she makes it herself.” Giving him a pointed look, she repeated, “What do you want to do?”

"Could we go outside? I need a cigarette."

"I need a husband. My baby needs a father. Everybody needs something, but nobody's gonna get what he wants tonight."

He stared at her for a moment, then shook his head and sat down. “I want you to come home, and I want to try my best to be a father to the child. I can’t promise to be as enthusiastic as you want me to be, but I’ll try my best. That’s all I can do, Blair. I can only try my best.”

“What if your best isn’t good enough, David? What if our baby knows he isn’t wanted? Is that just the breaks?”

“I don’t think that'll happen, Blair. I'll probably be crazy about him or her once it's here. And even if I wasn't, I can’t imagine the baby would know that.”

“And what about us? How do I get over the fact that I would know? How do I regain the respect I used to have for you? How do I get the man I used to know back? The one who would never create a child, and then decide he wasn’t able to love it? Where’s that guy?”

“He obviously didn’t exist,” David said quietly. “I’m the same guy I’ve always been. You just want someone better.”

“I don’t think that’s true, David. I think you’re a giving, caring man who's trying not to love this child. I think you're afraid to take the risk. I think you're afraid to open your heart.”

“I’ve tried, Blair. I swear I’ve tried. I wish I were the man you think I am, but I’m not. I’m just a guy who loves you and very much wants you to come home. I’ve loved you for ten years,” he said, “and in just a few months, you’re ready to walk away from me forever. How much could you love me to be able to do that?”

“We obviously have some sort of communication gap,” she said. “You don’t understand how parenthood changes you. Your focus naturally goes to your child. The baby I carry is my top priority. I think of it before I think of my own needs, and, yes, I think of it before your needs. This child is what matters.”

“Not to me,” he said firmly. “You’re my priority, and if you love me as much as I love you, you’ll come home and try to work this out together.”

“I can’t do that. I need total support, and I get that from Kylie. She cares for this baby like it’s critically important, David, and she’s just a friend!”

“I know that Kylie's the world's most perfect person, Blair, but you didn't marry her — you're stuck with me. Besides, maybe she's got an advantage because she's a woman. Being supportive might be something that women are programmed to do.”

“No, that’s not it. It’s that she realizes that this is vitally important to me, and since she’s my friend, it’s vitally important to her. Shouldn’t the same be true of you?”

“I wish it were true,” he said quietly. “I wanted a child more than you did. This meant more to me than I can ever explain to you. I’ve had to give up my dream to have a child of my own, and I don’t think that’s something you can ever understand.”

“Yes, you’re right, David, I can never understand that because I think it’s wrongheaded. Your idea of fatherhood seems to be passing on your genes. Well, what makes your genes so fucking wonderful? Your genetic contribution is nothing compared to what you could give this child in love and nurturing and guidance. That’s a contribution that a real man can make. So maybe you’re right. Maybe you are half a man. But it’s not your sperm that makes you that way.” She stared at him until he met her eyes. “It’s your heart.”

He leaned his head back as he drained his drink. He got up, and she assumed he would leave, but he returned with another drink of the same strength. Sitting down, he stared at her for a long time. “It’s your turn. I told you what I want. What do you want?”

“You know full well what I want, but I’m not going to get it. I’m willing to live apart, and hope that you change your mind. You might have some epiphany when you hold the baby for the first time and realize that you’re the only father he’ll ever know. He either has you or no one, David.”

“Maybe," he said, looking unconvinced. "And if I don't have some major revelation when the baby's born?"

“Then I'll divorce you," she said without emotion. "I’ve got to be honest, David; if I knew you felt this way about non-biological children, I never would have married you. Hell, I wouldn’t have dated you.” She shook her head and said, “There isn’t a better father in the world than mine. And there’s no doubt in my mind or in my heart that he’s my father — my real father. The jerk who had an orgasm in my egg-donor is nothing to me. Our baby will always know that you're his father, even if you don’t recognize him as your child. That’s a burden you’re going to have to bear, David.”

“I’ve offered you the best that I can do, Blair. I want to remain your husband. I want to try to be a good father to your baby. I wish I could live up to your standards, but I can't. Sometimes loving someone means that you have to accept a person with his flaws.”

“Sometimes you do,” she agreed, tiredly. “And sometimes you don’t." She stared at him for a full minute, the time ticking by like hours. "I'm gonna ask you an important question, and I want the truth."

Дата добавления: 2015-09-04