Chapter 3 4 страница

He looked at her, his dark eyes filled with pain. "How can we be sure he'll feel loved? How can he feel like he's wanted when I'm not sure I want him?"

Her head dropped into her hands, and she let out a primitive wail. "How can you say that? How can you?"

"I don't know, baby. I just feel … disconnected." He leaned back and banged his head softly against the door frame. "The last time I spoke to my dad, before he went into the coma, he said he could let go because he knew I'd still be here — carrying on for him." He looked at Blair and said, "I have my dad in me, Blair. When I was little, I'd put my hand on his and dream about when I’d grow up and have hands like his. And now I do! I put my hand on his that day, and I almost fainted. My hands look just like his. He's inside me, Blair. I carry his blood."

"Jesus Christ, David, that's not why you loved him."

"It was part of it," he maintained. "I can carry on for him now that he's gone."

"What the fuck does that even mean?"

David looked sheepish and said, "I don't exactly know, but it was really important to him."

"I’m carrying a baby because of some deathbed nonsense that your father, in his morphine addled state, said to you? Was he some feudal lord who could only pass his title on to his rightful heir? Jesus, David, he was a mattress salesman!"

"I know that. But I can't stop feeling this way. Don't you think I've tried?"

She grabbed two handfuls of her own hair and yanked hard. "I'm insane! I'm the one who's crazy! How did I not know this about you? Have you always been this fucking shallow?"

"I guess so," he mumbled. "If feeling this way makes me shallow … then I guess I am."

"Great! You admit that you're shallow. How in the hell does that fix anything? We're having a baby, David. We're having it because you insisted that I carry it. You insisted that we use a sperm donor. You and your mother ganged up on me and talked me into using a donor I didn't really want. And now, now that we've created a human being, you decide that you don't think you can love him. I've never heard of anything so totally fucked up. So morally indefensible!"

"I know, I know," he said, sounding defeated. The whining tone of his voice made her sick, and she got up and ran to the toilet to throw up again, gagging bile because her stomach was so empty.

For a change, David was right at her side, stroking her back and pushing her damp hair off her forehead. "I'm so sorry, Blair. I'm so sorry."

She turned enough to be able to rest her back against the tub. She was pale and shaking, her skin clammy. "How does that help our baby?"

"It doesn't. I know it doesn't." He got up and wet a washcloth. Wiping her face and neck, he said, "I'll do anything, Blair, anything to make this right."

"I could hang myself," she muttered. "I can't believe I went through with this. How could I have been so stupid? This isn't like me!"

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You were trying to make me happy."

Bitterly, she spat out, "Are you happy, David? Did the experiment work?"

He hung his head, obviously ashamed. "No, it didn't."

"Do you have any idea how you're going to learn to love our baby? Any idea at all?"

"No. I've … run out of ideas."

Sighing, the weight of the world on her shoulders, Blair got to her knees, then stood. "I've got to be alone. I need some space."

He didn't say a word, just watched her walk into their room and close the door.

„G

A long time later, David entered their bedroom tentatively, expecting to find her crying her eyes out. Instead, he was treated to a display of Business Blair. She was placing neatly folded garments into a suitcase, and when she saw him, she said, “I’m going to stay at a hotel. It’s not good for me to be this upset, and I refuse to put the baby at risk while we settle this.” She took off her shorts and T-shirt and put on a blouse, jacket and slacks that she normally wore to work. “I’m not sure where I’ll stay, but you can reach me on my cell phone. If you want to save our relationship, you’d better think of a way to change your attitude, David. You’re this baby’s father, and until you believe that, we have nothing more to talk about.”

She ran a brush through her hair, added a touch of lipstick, gave him one final, incalculably sorrowful look, then walked out.

Chapter 4

Kylie was sitting at a card table on Sunday night, glaring at the hand she’d just been dealt. Her pager went off, and all four doctors reached for theirs. Kylie shot a look around the table, while taking the device from her waistband, “This one’s mine, although I don’t know who could be paging me. I don’t have anyone in the hospital this weekend.”

“Rub it in,” Monique grumbled. “I’m on call, and I haven’t had two uninterrupted hours in a row.”

“Yeah,” Eileen, a pediatrician, agreed. “You’ll get no sympathy here, Shakes. Your hours are more regular than a banker’s.”

“I’m not complaining,” Kylie said. She looked at the display. “Oh, it’s not the hospital. Just a friend. Be right back.” She went out onto the porch and dialed Blair’s cell. “Thanks for calling,” she joked when Blair answered. “I’m playing poker tonight, and I’m about to lose my shirt.”

There was a moment of silence, then in a rush of words so rapid that Kylie had to focus intently to decipher them, Blair said, “I think I’m losing the baby. You told me once that you could get me into the ER quickly. Can you?” The terrified woman gulped in a breath of air, and Kylie thought she detected the warning signs of hyperventilation.

“Hold on,” she said, trying to sound both soothing and in control She stuck her head into the house again. “Monique! C’mere. Hurry!”

Her friend got up and dashed outside, taking the phone when Kylie extended it towards her. “It’s Blair Spencer. She thinks she’s miscarrying.”

All business, the obstetrician said, “Blair? Monique. Tell me what’s happening.”

Slightly puzzled to be talking to her obstetrician, but not having the time to waste asking why she was, Blair said, “I’ve got a little cramping — about like I described the first time I saw you." She gulped in air. "I’ve been struggling with them all day, and I kept telling myself it was only stress. But I just took a bath, and I'm bleeding.”

“Describe the blood, Blair. What color is it?”

“I don't know!" she cried, on the verge of panic, her breathing growing even more rapid.

"Come on, Blair, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Again," she said, listening carefully to make sure her patient was following her instructions. "Now think. Was it pink, bright red, rust colored …"

Kylie saw the concern on Monique's face and went into the house. She grabbed her bag and took Monique’s as well. “Sorry, guys," she said to their friends, "but we’ve got to run. See you next month.”

“You’re just trying to get out of losing this hand!” Jocelyn said.

“I wish that were true,” Kylie said as she ran back outside. Monique handed her the phone, hitting mute as she did.

“I can't tell what's going on. She was in the tub, and the water started to turn red. It's possible the water made the blood brighter than it would have been if she'd just seen it on her clothing. But if the blood's bright red, I'm worried. I’m also concerned because she can't be sure if there were any clots."

“Are we meeting her at the ER?”

'Damn, I hate to do that to her. I'm fairly sure it's nothing to worry about …"

Kylie gave her a penetrating look. “You can't be sure of that.”

“Well, no,” she began, and before the words were out of her mouth, Kylie was telling Blair, “We’re just wrapping it up for the evening. We’re gonna swing by and take a look at you.”

“Oh, Kylie, I can just go to the E.R. That'd be faster.”

“Are you worried?” Kylie asked.

“I’m fucking terrified,” she whispered. “I’ve never been so frightened.”

“Have you ever been to the ER?"

"No," she said, sounding like a little girl.

"It's no fun. Just relax for a few minutes, and we’ll be right there. Have David make you some herbal tea.”

“Uhm … Kylie … I’m not at home. I’m at the Spinnaker Hotel. Room 315.”

“Okay,” she said, not wanting to spend the time to ask what was going on. “We’re on Marine, so we’re just a few blocks away. Be right there.”

Monique gave her a narrowed glance, but Kylie said, “I’ll make it up to you. Promise.”

“Oh, without a doubt, Shakes. You definitely owe me. I haven’t made a house call since my sister was pregnant. And I only made that one to avoid my mother’s wrath!”

„G

Monique had driven Kylie to the card game, and when they pulled into the valet zone of the hotel, Kylie hopped out and instructed, “We’re physicians on an emergency call. Keep the car close.”

“Yes, ma’am,” the red-jacketed man agreed as Kylie pressed ten dollars into his hand.

They knocked on Blair’s door a few minutes later. “C’mon in,” she said, "it's open."

Kylie walked in and quickly looked around, her brows knit together. “Are you alone?”

“Uh-huh,” her friend said, adding nothing. She looked down and saw that both women carried bags; she cleared her throat and joked weakly, “Don’t you even think about using whatever you have in there, Kylie. I’m sure it's full of scalpels.”

Kylie gave her a half smile, trying her best to act like everything was normal. “Don’t worry; Monique'll keep an eye on me.”

“I promise I won't let Kylie open her bag," Monique said. "She just likes to bring it so she looks like a doctor." Her tone turning more professional, she said, "I’d like to take a peek at you, Blair. Would you mind lying on the bed while I give you a quick exam?”

“Sure.” She stood right where she was, looking slightly embarrassed.

“Want me to wait in the lobby?” Kylie asked.

Blair took in a breath and gave her friend a tremulous smile. “No, don’t be silly. I’d like it if you stayed.” She went into the bath and got a clean towel, spreading it out on the bed. She was wearing a large T-shirt and a terry cloth bathrobe. Taking off the robe, she lay down while Monique went into the bath to wash her hands. “Do you think you could hold my hand?” she asked Kylie quietly. “I’m about to jump out of my skin.”

“My pleasure.” Kylie sat on the edge of the bed and chafed the icy hand while they waited for Monique to get organized.

The exam was very brief, and as she removed the disposable speculum, the doctor commented, “Everything looks completely normal, Blair. Your cervix is closed up tight just like it should be. I think you’re absolutely fine,” she said, giving her a reassuring smile. “Check carefully the next time you urinate. You probably won’t bleed again, but if you do, check to see if the blood's bright red or has clots in it. If it does, go to the ER immediately. But I truly don’t think that'll happen. This isn’t uncommon at all. I had some bleeding with both of my kids. It scared me half to death, but it was nothing at all.”

"It has to be something," Blair said. "It's blood!"

"Honestly, Blair, having a little spotting or bleeding is very, very common, and it doesn't indicate that anything is wrong. I wish I could tell you exactly why it happened, but I'm afraid I can't. It just happens."

Blair sighed and said, "This isn't an exact science, is it?"

"Not by a long shot," Monique agreed. "But I'm certain you don’t have anything to worry about."

“Thanks so much for coming,” Blair said, her relief obvious. “Thanks to both of you.”

“Just to be safe, you might want to stay in bed tomorrow or lie outside in the shade and read a good book,” Monique suggested. "I'm sure the baby's fine, but you're looking awfully wrung out."

“I am,” Blair said. "A day off sounds like a very good idea."

“Ready to go?” Monique asked Kylie.

“Do you have your car here, Blair?”

“Sure. Why?”

“I'm gonna send Monique home. I’ll drive myself home in your car and come back to get you in the morning. I want to make sure you’re settled.”

“But, Kylie …”

Kylie took a twenty dollar bill from her wallet and handed it to Monique. “That should cover parking. Thanks for everything, buddy.”

She took the money and said to Blair, “Don’t argue with her. It’s a waste of time. See you soon.”

As soon as the door closed, Kylie turned to her friend. “What happened? Where’s David?”

“At home. I needed some time to myself.”

Once again, the doctor felt a little unsure. She shifted her weight and nervously rubbed her earlobe. “I don't know what’s going on here, Blair. Do you want me to leave? Is it okay that I sent Monique home?”

“Yeah. Of course.” Blair got to her feet and put her robe back on. “We had a fight, and I needed to be alone. Actually, I needed to be away from David. I’m really happy to see you.”

Kylie walked to her and bent over just enough to look directly into her friend's eyes. “Need a hug?”

“Desperately.” She tightened her arms around the taller woman’s waist and clung to her for a long while.

Her robe was open, and when she stepped back, Kylie looked at her and asked, “Can I say hi to the baby, too?”

A bright smile bloomed on Blair's lips. “We’d like that. We’ve really had a tough couple of days.”

Kylie dropped to her knees and placed one hand on her friend's abdomen, leaning in close to say, “Your mommy’s having a rough time right now, baby. It’s time for you to calm down and stop scaring her, okay? She needs her rest tonight, so I want you to stop with the cramps and the bleeding, too. Just be a good baby and go to sleep. Oh, and stay away from her bladder tonight.” She drew even closer and rested her cheek against Blair. “Okay, yeah, I’ll tell her.”

The tall woman stood and said, “The baby said he or she was sorry to worry you. He or she isn’t sure what sex he or she is yet, and he or she apologizes for the excess of pronouns.”

Falling into her arms, Blair let herself cry, the tears that had been flowing for two days nowhere near depleted. After a while, she calmed down enough to talk and said, “David and I are in real trouble, Kylie. He doesn’t want the baby.”

Gripping her by the shoulders, Kylie held her at arm’s length. “How can that … oh, Blair, he must have been … he couldn't have meant that!”

“No, no, he did,” she said quietly. "This happened yesterday afternoon, and he hasn’t retracted it, so he obviously meant it.”

“You’ve been here since yesterday? Why didn’t you call me?”

“I didn’t really want to talk. When I’m upset, I like to be alone.” She looked up at her friend and said, “No reflection on you, Kylie, I knew you’d be there if I needed you. Just like you were tonight.” She shivered and drew her robe tightly around herself. "I needed to be alone to think."

“You can always count on me to be there for you, " Kylie said. "However you need me."

“Thanks,” she said, patting her gently. “I’m exhausted. My keys are on the dresser there. Bring the car back whenever you want. I’m not going anywhere tomorrow.”

“I’m not leaving,” Kylie said. “I have surgery at 7:00, so I’ll need to leave here at 6:00, but I should be finished by noon at the latest. When I get back, we’ll decide what to do next. Do you have another T-shirt I can borrow to sleep in?”

The blonde sighed, sounding completely drained. “Kylie, don’t worry about me. I’m fine.”

“Don’t waste your time arguing, Blair. I’m not going to leave you alone after the day you’ve had. Get over it.” She wore her usual calm expression, but there was a determination in her eyes that convinced Blair that she meant business.

Going to the dresser, Blair pulled out another T-shirt. “This might be small on you, but it's the best I can offer."

“Don't worry about me. I can sleep in my shirt. You hop into bed now.” She went into the bathroom and came back out with Blair’s moisture lotion. “I'd like to rub your back, but only if it won't make you uncomfortable. It should help with the cramps,” she said, continuing to explain.

Blair put a hand out and touched her arm. "You never make me uncomfortable, and I'd love a little human contact. I've never been so lonely." She bent over and held herself, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed.

Kylie sat on the edge of the bed and held her, letting her cry herself out. They didn't talk, even though Kylie was desperate to learn what had happened with David. But it was clear that Blair was too worn out to keep her eyes open. Kylie urged her onto her stomach, then pulled her T-shirt up and began to thoroughly soothe the tight muscles.

“You have great hands,” Blair mumbled.

Kylie laughed, her voice low and soothing. “That's an entrance requirement for a surgeon.”

“Feels better. Cramps all gone. Sleep now?”

"Yep."

Kylie pulled the blanket up, tucking it around her friend.

“I’ll never be able to thank you for this, Kylie. I just don’t know how to …” Before her sentence was completed, Blair’s eyes fluttered closed, and she began to breathe heavily. Kylie smiled at her, then took off her pants and got into the other bed, falling asleep nearly as quickly as Blair had.

„G

Kylie returned to the hotel room just after 1:00, finding Blair still in bed, the curtains drawn. Blair stirred and moaned, then rolled onto her side and pulled a pillow over her head.

Not an afternoon person, Kylie thought. I wonder if she's missing any appointments? I hate to do it, but I know she wouldn’t want to flake on her clients. She walked over to the bed and gently touched her friend's arm. "It's after 1:00, Blair. Do you have any meetings today?"

"No," she mumbled, then added, "Go away."

"Okay," Kylie said, the rebuff stinging. "I'll be down by the pool, having lunch. See you."

Before she got to the door, the blonde flung the pillow from her face and asked, "Did I say that 'go away' part out loud?"

"Loud and clear," Kylie said, managing a half smile.

"I'm sorry. I'm just so fucking depressed that I don't want to see anyone."

"I can understand that," Kylie said, even though she really couldn't. "I'll just take a cab home. Call me when you feel like talking, okay?"

Blair sat up a little more and gazed at her friend. "Don't be mad. I just … I can't be nice today."

"I'm not mad," Kylie said. "I just don't know how to be."

"Be gone," Blair said, her voice much more gentle now. "Just let me feel sorry for myself. I deserve a day to wallow in despair."

"If that's what works for you, be my guest," Kylie said. "But this happened on Saturday, Blair. It’s easy to get into something you can’t get out of."

Blair got out of bed and walked over to her friend. "I know you mean well, but I won't die if I sleep for another twenty-four hours. I don't like to be supervised, Kylie. Especially when I feel this bad. I promise I'll call you by tomorrow, okay?"

The dark head nodded, even though it was obvious that the doctor wasn't happy about being sent home. "I'll wait for you to call me, but I won't stop worrying about you until you do."

"That's playing dirty, Doc," Blair said, unable to keep from smiling.

"I do what I have to do," Kylie said. She hugged her friend, then gave her a smile and left her alone.

„G

Blair called that evening. "I don't want to talk, but I don't want you worrying, either. How's this for a compromise?"

"Pretty good," Kylie said. "Have you had dinner?"

"No babying me," Blair said, her voice only slightly playful.

"I'm just making conversation," the doctor insisted.

"Uh-huh. That's the thing I don't wanna do. I'll call you tomorrow, Kylie. And I'm very glad that you care about me. Just let me handle this my own way."

"I don't think I have a choice," Kylie said, laughing wryly.

„G

At 8:00 p.m. Blair glared at the door, hoping that whoever was knocking could duck. "Who is it?" she barked, surprised to hear herself sounding so angry.

"It's David."

"Which one?" she asked. She got up and opened the door, staring right into his eyes. "The one I thought I married, or the one I did marry?"

He looked like a beaten dog, all of his usual self-confidence vanished. "I don't know, Blair. I'm just a guy who wants his wife to come home."

She walked away, but left the door open, and David took this as an unspoken invitation. He followed her into the room and sat down on the second bed when she crawled back into the one by the window. "State your business."

"Damn," he grumbled, "do you have to treat me like shit?"

"Yeah, I do. What do you want?"

He looked like he wanted to get up and leave, but he collected his thoughts and said, "I know you're a very practical person, and I know you've been thinking about your options."

"That's true," she said. "If I weren’t sure the neighbors heard us arguing on Saturday, you'd be coroner's exhibit # 387 right now. No one would have suspected me, and I'd have your life insurance policy to live on."

"Jesus, Blair, I know I screwed up, but thinking about killing me is kinda harsh!"

"Count your blessings. I think about dismembering you, too. In my fantasies, you beg for a quick death."

"Have you always been this vengeful? God damn it, I've known you for ten years, and you've never even yelled at me!"

"Then I'm overdue," she said. "Do you have a point?"

"Yes, of course I do." He looked at her for a moment, then said, "If you divorce me, you'll have to raise the baby on your own."

"Brilliant," she said. "You're very good at math."

"Stop kicking me in the ass long enough for me to make my point, okay?"

She looked at the sparks of fire in his eyes and actually felt more comfortable with him. She hated wimps, and when David acted so sorry for himself, she truly wanted to kill him. "Fine. Go on."

"You're a very attractive woman, and I know that you'll meet some guy who wants to be with you if you leave me. If that happens, he'll be the baby's stepfather."

"Uh-huh." She gave him a blank look.

"If you could let another guy be the baby's stepfather, why can't you let me try to be a real father? I'm not sure I can do it, but I know I'd be better than a stepfather. I might never think of the baby as mine, but neither would the guys you date."

"Is that the best you've got? 'Cause it ain't much."

He nodded. "Yeah, that's the best I've got."

Her legs slid over the side of the bed, and she rested her weight on her forearms. "Look, David, there's a big difference here. You are the baby's father. The fact that you can't believe that is what would make you a horrible father. You have some brainless notion that you'd feel more connected if your genes were in this baby's body. But you wouldn't. If you think of this child as something you own …" She shook her head. "That's just too fucked up to discuss."

"Okay, okay," he said. "Let's agree that I'd be the world's worst father. I haven't been a bad husband. I know that, Blair, and you know that, too. So come home with me and let me be your husband. The baby won't be hurt by having me in the same house, will he? Let me help you through this pregnancy. Please!"

"So far you've sucked more than I can tell you, David. Why should I believe you’d be better now?"

"I know I have," he said. "I know that. That's because I've had all of these feelings tearing me apart. Now that they're out, I can act more like myself. I don't have to hide how I'm really feeling and censor myself every moment."

She flopped back onto the bed and let out a weary sigh. "I don't know what that would buy me. What if your feelings for the baby don't change?"

"You could leave me then," he said.

"And you think that would be easier for me? I don't think I could go through this twice, David. It would kill me."

"But you need someone to help you, Blair. You can't live alone during this."

"Yeah, I think I can," she said. "Lots of women do."

"But how many of them have a husband who wants to be there to support them? I wanna be there for you, Blair. I really, really want to help."

She sat up and stared at him. "If you really want to help, you'll figure out what's stopping you from loving your child. You've got thirty weeks left, David. Go to therapy three times a week, and you can change if you try hard enough."

"Shit, Blair, I'm no good at that stuff. You know I don't have that introspective thing."

Giving him a blank look, she let her shoulders raise and drop. "That's my best offer. I'm not going to get back together with you until I'm confident you can be a good father. Doing it the other way would make me insane."

He got up and then sat next to her, letting his body lightly touch hers. "Our marriage isn't important to you? I'm not important to you?"

She reached out and took his hand, holding it tightly for a minute. Starting to cry again, she brought his hand to her lips and kissed it, then rubbed it gently across her face, wishing for some of the old magic to return. "You're very important to me. But the baby comes first. That's all there is to it, David. The baby comes first."

Дата добавления: 2015-09-04