Chapter 3 3 страница

"Just to talk. I'm … kinda lonely."

"Is David out of town?"

"No, but he's in bed by now." She looked away and said, "It's no big deal. Forget it."

"No, no." Kylie gave her friend a concerned look. "Let's go in and talk."

"Really?"

Blair looked about ten years old. Kylie had never seen the woman look so vulnerable or unsure, and she found herself nodding enthusiastically. "Really. I don't have a tough day planned for tomorrow, so I can stay up late."

"I'm not usually like this, but I don't feel like being alone tonight. I want you to come in, but only if you're sure you want to," Blair said, looking for signs of indecision.

"I'm positive. Let's go."

They walked into the house, and Kylie noted that all of the lights were out. "David's asleep, huh?"

"Oh, yeah. He's never up this late."

Kylie looked at her watch. "Right. It's … gosh … almost 10:30." She smiled and asked, "How do you do it? It must have been quite an adjustment when he started going to bed so early."

"Want a drink?" Blair asked.

"Sure. Have any Scotch?"

"Uh-huh. That's David's drink. Single malt or blend?"

"I think I'll have a wee dram of your single malt. Neat."

Blair poured a couple of ounces of Glenmorangie into a rocks glass and handed it to the doctor. She led the way into the living room and immediately kicked off her shoes. "Now, you said something about having to adjust?"

Kylie took her shoes off as well, then sat on the couch, tucking her feet up under herself. "Yeah. Wasn't it hard when David went on this schedule?"

"No, not at all. It's always been this way."

Kylie looked more than a little surprised. "Really? How'd you date?"

"Oh. Well, he used to stay up later on Friday and Saturday nights, since he didn't have to work the next day. But we never saw each other during the week. I didn't mind."

"Huh." Kylie scratched her head, looking like she was going to speak, but she stared at her drink for a moment and took a sip. "Good. Very good. David has good taste."

"Something's on your mind, Doc. Spill it."

"Oh, it's nothing. Really. I was just thinking of how hard it would be for me to partner with someone if I didn't see her in the evenings."

Blair stuck her lower lip out and considered Kylie's comment. "I like having my own time. Always have. You're not like that?"

"God, no!" Kylie laughed at herself and said, "I'm a leach!"

"Oh, you are not." Blair said with a laugh. "You're very independent. I think you're a lot like me."

"Not by choice," Kylie said, then wished she could retract the comment when she saw her friend blink. "I mean, I'm not really very independent. I just have to entertain myself since I don't have anyone around much of the time. I don't like it, Blair."

"Wow. That was one of the reasons I was drawn to David. I think the same's true for him."

Kylie took another sip, then asked, "Why were you attracted to David, if you don't mind my asking. I always like to hear what brings people together."

Blair stretched like a cat, arching her back, then shivering. "Mmm … I was attracted to a lot of things. But what's kept us together is how well we get along. I don't think we've had three big fights since we've known each other. It's so nice to be with someone who doesn't irritate you very often."

Kylie blinked. "You never fight?"

"No. Not at all. Why would you fight with someone you loved?" Blair's expression showed her confusion.

"Damn. Stacey and I fought all the time. The emotion was so high." Wrinkling her forehead, she asked, "Don't you know what I mean?"

"Un-unh. It's never been like that for us."

"Not even at first?"

"No. It's kinda like my parents. They never fight, either."

"How long have they been married?"

"Oh … forty-two years, I think."

Kylie nodded, wondering why Blair didn't see the difference between a five-year and a forty-two-year marriage. "What else do you love about David?"

Blair's smile looked a little suggestive as she said, "There's the obvious. We've always had a great sex life."

"But doesn't that calm down after a few years?"

"Not for us," Blair said, a note of pride in her voice. "I'm just as hot for him as I was when we met. His actions show he feels the same … up until now, at least." She looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, "I'm pleased that we've never become an ‘old married couple.’ I think part of the reason we have such a good sex life is because we don't spend a lot of time together. It always feels fresh."

"How much time do you spend together?" Kylie asked.

Blair thought over the question, counting on her fingers. "We see each other for two or three hours a day when he's in town, unless I have a client meeting. We always have our Saturday mornings together. That's our special time — no other plans allowed. But I work a lot of Saturday afternoons, so we don't count on that. We usually spend Sunday together, unless I have to work. But David watches sports all day, and I hate sports, so I usually read or listen to music while he watches his games."

Kylie sat patiently, waiting for more. When nothing more was forthcoming, she couldn't stop herself from asking, "That's it? You don't do anything together? No hobbies? No other interests that you share?"

"Un-unh. Why? Isn't that enough?"

"Well, it is if you like it that way, but that structure would never work for me. Gosh, when I first met Stacey I wanted to move in — to her body!"

"Ugh. I couldn't stand that," Blair said, the edges of her mouth pointing down. "I was so happy when I met a guy who didn't mind my having my own life. Guys are so needy!" She gave Kylie a guilty smile and said, "Of course, I practically begged you to come in tonight. I sounded like a guy who was completely desperate to get a woman into his apartment."

"Nah." Kylie smiled at her. "I like to be with you. It's never an imposition."

Blair stretched again, massaging her lower back with her hand. "So, what are you looking for, Doc? What's your dream girl like?"

“Mmm … I want to meet someone I'm rabidly attracted to and then proceed to study her … one inch at a time. I'd like to know someone inside and out, and have her feel like a little something was missing if she didn't see me that day."

"I was never like that," Blair said. "Not in college, not in high school."

"I was worse before," Kylie admitted. "I tended to suffocate my lovers."

"Did you have to put a pillow over their faces to stop them from screaming for help?" Blair was quite amused by her own joke, and Kylie nodded her acknowledgment, but her usual smile was absent.

"I mean it," the doctor said. "I'm learning that I have to back off a little bit, and I think being alone for the past two years has helped me. It was hard for me to find my equilibrium after investing three years with Stacey, but I hope my next lover benefits from my burgeoning independence."

"But you're so smart, so introspective, so interested in things. Why do you need someone to be with you all the time, Kylie? Isn't your own company enough for you?"

"I like to have people around me, Blair. I don't consider that a weakness. And it doesn't have to be all the time. I just want someone whose day brightens up when she sees me."

"Mine does," Blair said, smiling. "Does that count?"

"Of course it counts," Kylie said. "It doesn't get me laid, but it definitely counts."

"I'm gonna get you a date," Blair insisted. "I'm gonna find you a girlfriend just as good as the house I found for ya."

"You've got your work cut out for you, pal. That's one kick-ass house!"

„G

Blair spent all of the next day assuring herself that all couples had some sexual miscommunication during pregnancy — reminding herself that they could get through anything if they were able to talk about it honestly. Thinking that it was best to discuss the issue outside of bed, she decided to wait until they’d eaten dinner to allow time for her food to digest. It never had the chance to, though, and departed her belly not twenty minutes after she ate. When she was fairly sure her stomach was going to behave, she laced up her running shoes and said, “Let’s go for a walk, okay?”

David looked like he wanted to refuse, but he turned off the television and took her hand. They walked through the quiet, residential streets of their neighborhood, speaking little for quite a while. “David,” she began, “I’m worried about us.”

His hand tightened briefly, then he asked, “What about us?”

“I’m concerned about how we’re relating to one another. Especially in bed.”

“But we’ve been having sex all the time! I know I was a little reticent at first, but not now.”

“It’s not the frequency, David; it’s the way we’re being sexual. I don’t know if this is conscious or not, but we’re not treating each other like we used to.”

He stopped and jammed his hands into his pockets. “You keep saying we, but I know you mean me.”

She turned and put her hand on his chest. “Why do you already have an attitude about this? You used to like it when we talked about sex. You used to be concerned with how I experienced our lovemaking.”

“I still am, Blair. It’s just … it’s just hard for me. I have to concentrate so hard now.”

“Concentrate?”

“Yes, concentrate. I have to forget about the time that you had cramps. I have to try to ignore the fact that there’s a little, tiny baby trying to sleep just a few inches from the tip of my penis. I have to be careful not to squeeze your breasts because they’re so tender. I … I'm always afraid I'm going to do something wrong or hurt you.” He stared at the ground and kicked at a stick near his foot. “Sometimes that takes the spontaneity out of it. I feel like we've been having to do one thing or not do another for over a year now. I want things to be like they used to be.”

She felt her temper flare immediately, then a wave of sorrow swept over her. Not trusting herself to speak, she slipped her arms around his waist and hugged him as tightly as she could, hoping his embrace would ease the pain.

"I'm so sorry I said that," he mumbled. "I never want to hurt your feelings." He kissed the top of her head, saying, "It just doesn't feel like we're alone in bed anymore, honey. There's another person there, and it feels like he's watching."

"David, that's our baby! He's not watching!"

He released his hold on her, looking sheepish. "I know that intellectually. But sex isn't about intellect."

She knew she was asking a loaded question, but she did it anyway, needing to know the answer. "Do you like my pregnant body?" His eyes closed, and he waited so long that she knew the answer without his saying it. "That's what I thought." She turned her back to him and started to walk home, going as fast as she could.

"Blair!" He trotted after her and grabbed her hand. "I'm getting used to it. It's just taking me a little while."

"What did you think was going to happen? You're the one who wanted me to carry this baby! I specifically remember telling you that my body would change — permanently!"

"I know, I know, but I didn't know I would feel like this! Everything's different! Your whole body's changing, and I guess I didn't think it would be this noticeable this soon. Besides, Chet's wife had a baby last year, and he said they hardly ever had sex. I just thought …"

"You're saying you wish I didn't feel like having sex?"

"Well … no, I just thought that's how it'd be."

She was staring at him like he was an alien, finally asking, "Are you just turned off by pregnancy in general, or is it me?"

He shook his head briskly. "I don't know." He spent a moment thinking, knowing he was on very thin ice. "It feels really, really weird to have sex with a pregnant woman. It's … it … feels kinda wrong."

"Wrong?"

"I know that's stupid. But I can't help it! You don't seem like my hot wife anymore. You seem like somebody's mom!"

Once again, she felt her anger rise, but she tamped it down. Forcing herself to stay calm, she took in a breath and started to walk, putting her hand on her slightly protruding abdomen as she unconsciously did so often these days.

They walked home in silence, neither able to put these feelings into words. They were both sad, both shaken and both unable to think of a way to make things the way they used to be.

„G

On the weekend that followed David’s revelation, Blair was sitting out in their small backyard, reading a book and sipping a glass of lemonade. David had been watching the NBA playoffs, and he came out after watching the Laker victory, filling his wife in on all of the details while she did her best to appear interested. “What are you reading?” he asked.

“Just one of my many baby books,” she said. “I’m still only halfway through the ones Kylie gave me.”

“Oh.” He stood and started to walk back into the house, but she called him back.

“Guess what our baby has now?” she asked.

“Gosh …" He paused, looking guilty. "I have no idea.”

“It's been ten weeks since we conceived, and the baby is starting to look like a person.”

“Wow. Ten weeks, huh? I guess you’re right. It was in April, wasn’t it?”

“We did the pregnancy test on April the twentieth. But March the twenty-first was the first day of my last period. That's when we count from."

"That doesn't make much sense," he said.

"I agree, but it's the convention and they're not gonna change it for us. What I wanted to talk about was that the baby has sex organs now. If it's a girl, she has tiny labia and a clitoris. And if it's a boy, he has a penis and a scrotum. I think we can start making some plans.”

“Like?” He sat down in his usual chair, scooting it close so he could rest a foot on the arm of Blair's chair.

"We can start telling more people, for one thing. You can tell your work buddies."

"Okay," he said, giving her a strangely emotionless smile.

“I thought it would be a good time to start thinking about names, too. I’d like to have some ways of referring to him or her.”

“We don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl,” he reminded her. “Let’s wait until we do.”

“I’m not sure I want to know, David. I'd prefer to be surprised. Do you want to know?"

"I guess it's not a big deal. If you don't want to know, that's okay with me."

"All right, Mr. Easy." She pinched his toes through his Topsiders. "It’s not that much trouble to come up with two names, is it?”

“I guess not,” he admitted.

“Actually, we only have to come up with one,” she said, a gentle smile forming on her face. “If it’s a boy, I want to call him David.” She got up and sat on the arm of her husband’s lounge chair. “He’ll be a lucky little guy if he takes after his daddy.

He gave her a look of total wonder. “But you always said there was no way you’d name a baby David junior.”

“That was before I was pregnant,” she reminded him. “Now that I am, I feel different about it.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he said, shaking his head. “I, uhm … think that’s a burden on a kid. He should have his own identity.”

With difficulty, she controlled her voice, keeping the incredulity from it. “I know you, David, and you weren’t kidding when you told me you wanted your son to be a junior. Why have you changed your mind?”

“You changed yours. I changed mine. Things change, Blair. It’s no big deal. Let’s come up with a nice, unique name that'll be his alone.”

She stood and looked at him, then put her hand under his chin and forced him to look into her eyes. “Why don’t you want him to be called David? Tell me!”

He tried to control himself for a moment, his fists clenching and unclenching. His attempt to pull his chin away was unsuccessful. Blair had him in a death-grip, and she wasn't going to let him evade the question. His lips pursed together as he tried to force himself to stay silent, but eventually he lost the battle. “Because he’s not mine!” he spat, lunging to his feet and stumbling. He stood there and glared at her, his anger nearly uncontrollable. “You’re trying to create this fucking little fantasy world! Naming him after me says I had something to do with it! I didn’t, God damn it! It's … not … mine!”

She grabbed him by the shirt and leaned into him, shaking him with all of her might. "It is yours, God damn it! If this baby isn't yours, he isn't anyone's!"

"He's yours," he said, tears rolling down his cheeks. "He's your baby."

She shook him again, wishing she could smash his head on the stone patio where they stood. “Tell me you’re happy we’re having this baby! Tell me you want him!”

His eyes locked upon hers, and an eternity passed between them. She could hear the blood pounding in her ears, and she felt her fingers tighten on his shirt. Taking a steadying breath, he gasped, “I’m not. I’m so fucking sorry, Blair, but I’m not happy.”

Releasing him, she somehow found her way back to her chair and sat. She bent from the waist and held her head in her hands, moaning piteously. Her tears started to flow, accompanied by heaving sobs that broke David’s heart. Kneeling at her feet, he tried to get his arms around her, but she wrenched away from him and pushed him so hard he landed on his seat.

Blindly, she took a few lurching steps forward, stopped and vomited on the ground, then slowly sank onto a low garden wall. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she looked at him and asked, “What do you want, David? Do you want me to have an abortion? Is that it? Do you want me to kill our baby?”

“No,” he insisted, sitting next to her. “Of course not. I just … I just wish we hadn’t done this, Blair. I wish to God we hadn’t done this.”

She put her hand upon her belly and said, “This is a human growing in here, David! It’s not some appliance we thought we wanted and then decided we didn’t need!”

“I’m not asking you to have an abortion, Blair. That’s ridiculous! I’m just trying to explain why I’m not … into this yet. I have to get used to this. I need more time.”

“Into this? Into this?” she choked out incredulously. “You’ve had ten weeks! What do we do if you never get into this?”

“I don’t know,” he said quietly. “That’s what keeps me awake at night.” He put his arm around her shoulders and said, “I’m so sorry, Blair. I know that doesn’t help, but I realize this is all my fault. I go over it again and again in my head, and I know we wouldn’t be in this fix if I hadn’t insisted on going forward.”

She looked at him carefully, her mind unable to grasp the full weight of his words. He actually looked like a stranger to her, and she couldn’t bear to have him touch her. She got to her feet and waited for the slight bit of vertigo to settle, then went back to her chair. “So, what do you want to do? Give the baby up for adoption? Tell our families that it was stillborn?”

“I … I hadn’t considered that,” he said softly. “Could you do that?” He looked completely puzzled, but Blair immediately made her position clear.

She got up and went to him. Bending over so that they were nose to nose, she said, “If you had a loaded gun pointed at my head, you couldn’t get this baby away from me. It’s not a mistake … it’s not anything but the expression of our love.” Turning abruptly, she dashed into the house to let her empty stomach have its way again.

„G

He went into the house and saw that she was in the bathroom. Knocking softly, he asked, "Are you all right?"

"Go away! Just go away."

"No. We have to talk about this."

"What is there to talk about? You don't want our baby!"

"I didn't say that," he insisted. He tried the knob, knowing the door would be locked. He slid down the doorjamb, propping his feet against the opposite wall. "I said I wasn't happy. That's not the same as not wanting him."

"It is to me! It is to the baby, too!"

"Can I tell you why I wanted to have a baby with you?"

She didn't answer right away. He heard water running, and a few moments later, he heard her sneakers squeak when she must have climbed into the tub. Her voice echoed a little when she said, "If you must."

"I know this was stupid, but from the time my dad got sick, I was desperate to have a child. When Dad died, the urge got even stronger. I wasn't sure what was happening, but I've been thinking about this so much that it’s finally became clear."

"Go on," she said tiredly.

"I wanted someone who'd feel about me the same way I felt about my dad. I guess it didn't occur to me that I'd have mixed feelings about the baby … if it wasn't mine."

"If you say that one more time, I'm gonna bash your head in with the first heavy object I can find. I'm … not … kidding. I could easily kill you, David. Easily."

"I know." He tipped his head back against the jamb. "I don't blame you." He paused for a few moments, waiting for her to speak. When she didn't, he said, "I should have realized I had my head up my ass when I was so adamant about not adopting. I'm surprised you agreed to go forward when I said that."

Her voice was low and lethal-sounding. "If you so much as try to shift the blame ¾"

"No, no, really, baby. This is all … all my fault. I felt a void that I wanted to fill. I thought having a baby would do that."

She sighed so heavily that he heard her. "I should have said no when you refused to adopt. It's not all your fault."

"You're being very generous, and I don't deserve it," he said. "It is my fault."

"How do you feel about my being adopted? Do you think I'm my parents' child?"

"Yeah, yeah," he said. "I guess I do." She didn't say a word while she waited for him to think his way through this. "If I'm totally honest, I've always felt a little sorry for you. I hate the fact that you don't know and love your birth parents."

"Everyone should be as lucky as I am," she said, her voice cold and hard. "I'd take my parents over …" she paused, unwilling to bring his mother into the mêlée. "Anyone's."

"I know you love your parents, Blair. And I know how much they love you. But it's not … the same, is it?"

"David," she said, her voice thin and weary, "you don't know jack shit about being adopted. Don't even try to act like you do."

He was quiet for a moment, then said, "I, uhm know a little bit. I've never told you this, but my cousin Michael's adopted."

"Really?" she asked, not revealing that Sadie had already told her.

"Yeah. I was about five at the time, and I remember my mother telling my father that my Aunt Alice was crazy for adopting. I specifically remember her saying that it was like going to the pound to pick out a puppy. You never knew if the puppy would be vicious or sickly and would have to be put down. Not long after that, she finally allowed me to get a dog. We had to go to a breeder because she said you couldn't be too careful when you adopted a dog." He started to cry, and Blair closed her eyes against the pounding anger she felt towards her mother-in-law. "Every time I saw my cousin, I looked him over, trying to see if he was sick or mean. I was afraid he'd bite me." He was sobbing now, and in a matter of seconds, Blair came out of the bathroom and was at his side, torn between holding and strangling him.

They cried together, both of them terrified and desperately sad. "Michael knows he's adopted," he said when he could speak. "My aunt and uncle didn't tell him, though. He found his original birth certificate and his adoption papers. He's never felt like he belonged to anyone." David burrowed his face into his wife's neck, crying hard. She fought the urge to push him away, knowing that it would hurt him terribly to be rejected when he was so vulnerable. "I don't want our baby to feel like that — and now he will."

Blair pulled back and looked at him, seeing only the top of his dark, close-cropped hair. "That's not true! I don't feel like that. Your aunt and uncle should have told him, David. He just feels that way because it's such a fucking secret."

"We weren't gonna tell our baby about his sperm donor," he said, looking at her carefully.

"Jesus fucking Christ! We've been over this. There was no reason in the world the baby would have to know about that, but you blabbed to your mother, and that screwed everything up."

"It's still lying to him," he said.

"Yes, it is," Blair said, trying to calm herself, "but it's a lie that wouldn't harm the baby. The donor has a much healthier family than you do. It's not like there's some dangerous disease lurking in the background that he'll have to be tested for."

"It's still a lie," David said, not budging an inch.

"Fine, but it's a lie we're never going to have to worry about. I don't know why you agreed to lie before, but it hardly matters now. Your mother knows, and that's the same fucking thing as putting a banner headline in the L.A. Times." She shook her head so roughly that her eyes ached. "The only thing that really matters is that he knows he's loved."

Дата добавления: 2015-09-04