A Semihumorous Glimpse at Grammar Gaffes

from Anguished English by Prof. R. Lederer

Mangling modifiers, или "Подъезжая к станции, у меня слетела шляпа"

While grading a student essay on John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath, I was startled to read this sentence: "Having killed a man and served four years in prison, I feel that Tom Joad is ripe to get into trouble."

Who had killed and done time (отсидеть) — the student or Tom Joad?

Later in the same book report, the student explored the ending of the novel, in which Rose of Sharon Joad, having lost a still-born baby, offers her milk-laden breast to a starving migrant worker for nourishment. Steinbeck's closing sentence reads: "She looked up and across the bar, and her lips came together and smiled mysteriously." Here is what my student wrote: "Rose of Sharon now starts to reach out to others, and the book closes with her feeding a starving man, smiling mysteriously."

Ever since, the look on that fellow's face has remained in my mind's eye.

My student's two botched sentences are superb examples of the scalding (hot) water writers can get themselves into when they misplace modifier. Many of the most amusing grammatical errors occur when ambiguous phrases and clauses end up in the wrong part of the sentence.

Here is an array of adult examples:

— Yoko Ono will talk about her husband, John Lennon, who was killed in an interview with Barbara Walters.

— Please take time to look over the brochure that is enclosed with your family.

— Calf born to farmer with two heards.

— Some sources said shortly after his death Mao Tse Tung had expressed a wish that his body by cremated.

— Two cards were reported stolen by Groveton police yesterday.

— A 30-year old St. Petersburg man was found murdered by his parents in his home late Saturday.

— The judge sentenced the killer to die in the electric chair for the second time.

— Here are some suggestions for handling obscene phone calls from New England Telephone Company.

— About two years ago, a wart (бородавка) appeared on my left hand, which I wanted removed.

— On the floor above him lived a redheaded instructor in physical education, whose muscular calves he admired when they nodded to each other by the mailbox.

— Do not park your car at the taxi stand or it will be towed away.

— "He's the horse of a lifetime," said trainer Packy Lawrence. He'll retire after today's race and be shipped to Kentucky, where he'll begin a career as stud (жеребец).

— The French government is preparing commercials encouraging the use of condoms which are blunt enough to shock even liberal Americans.

— People who use birth control methods that smoke a lot are in danger of having retarded children.

References wanted or ambiguous meaning: a lesson from history

Croesus, the last king of Lydia and the fellow we all want to be richer than*, decided in 546 BC to make a war on Persia. Being a careful man Croesus sought advice from the oracle at Delphi. Should he invade Persia, or shouldn't he?

According to the legend the oracle answered, "If you cross the river Halys, you will destroy a mighty empire."

Croesus interpreted this sentence as a good omen and proceeded to attack Persia. But after many setbacks, the king was taken prisoner at Sardis.

The oracle had been right. By waging war on Persia, Croesus did destroy a mighty empire — his own.

King Croesus was a victim of an ambiguous reference. The oracle's prophecy contained the phrase "a mighty empire" which could have referred either to Lydia or to Persia. Because Croesus failed to analyze the sentence, his kingdom Lydia ceased to exist.

*As rich as Croesus — богат как Крёз.

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