Chapter Eighteen. I’ve completely lost track of the time and how many shots of tequila I’ve had since walking through the door

Rocco

I’ve completely lost track of the time and how many shots of tequila I’ve had since walking through the door. There have been quite a few people who have come and gone in the stools next to me, if that is any indication. The football games are not even capturing my attention today even with all of the cheering in the background. The only thing I can think of is how stupid I was to take Sunshine to the event last night. I should have known somehow, someway my worst nightmare would have come true. Now, the only thing I can do is stay far, far away from my heart and soul. From the love of my life. How the hell does someone stay away from the person who makes them feel alive? It’s the only way to protect her from the biggest mistake of my life. I down the two shots sitting in front of me then reach for my beer.

“Hey, Buddy.” I hear my best friend’s sympathetic voice as he sits on the stool next to me. The bartender comes over holding up the bottle of tequila. My head nods and he fills up the shot glasses for me. “How many of those have you had?” I shrug my shoulders. “How come you aren’t answering your phone?”

“Left it in the car,” I say without looking up.

“Want to tell me what happened?”

“No.”

“Alright. Then I’ll tell you what happened to me today.” Shane motions to the bartender who pours him a beer. After taking a sip or two, he continues. “I’m relaxing on the couch after working on this hard ass project, which took me most of my Saturday night and this morning by the way, when in strolls this beautiful, completely distraught girl looking for her boyfriend who left her on the doorstep of her apartment building over three hours ago. Oh wait, he didn’t even wait until she made it to the sidewalk let alone the damn doorstep. How fucked up is that, right? So, I bring her in and get her to calm down long enough to tell me how after a great night, whatever that means, he becomes a fucking lunatic and basically tosses her out of his car like yesterday’s trash. Any of this sound familiar?”

I know Shane is purposely making it sound harsher than how she explained it to him, but it’s still a swift kick to the abdomen and I almost lose all of the tequila I’ve managed to drink this afternoon. “You don’t understand,” I mumble.

“I don’t understand? Are you fucking kidding me right now, Rocco?” He’s pissed at me, but I don’t give a shit. “So Vicki found out you’re dating someone and you just dismiss Alyssa? Is that what you think she deserves? Did you even tell her about the psycho bitch?”

“No, I didn’t and she doesn’t need to know,” I tell him. He should really just go the fuck away and leave me to wallow by myself.

“What do you mean she doesn’t need to know? Are you listening to yourself? To me? Alyssa is a mess right now. She thinks she did something to make you act like this. How could you just leave her knowing she feels that way?” His voice gets louder with every word he says to me. I’m not sure why he cares. He’s never once said anything to me about the way I am with girls before Alyssa came into my life.

“If she knew about Vicki, she would say she didn’t care. She wouldn’t take it seriously and she sure as hell wouldn’t stay away from me. That’s what I need her to do right now. I need her to hate me enough to want to stay away because it’s going to be a bitch for me to stay away from her,” I say slamming my glass on the bar.

“So that’s it? Alyssa doesn’t get a say in this? You’re choosing Vicki over her?” The way he says that has me wanting to knock him off the stool.

“I’m not choosing Vicki. I hate that fucking whore. She told me on the phone this morning how she saw the picture I posted on Facebook of me and Alyssa last night. I don’t even know how she did. I have her ass fucking blocked from seeing my shit. Someone else must have showed her. She said if she heard the two of us were together ever again, she would…” I empty another shot glass. “That she would find her. That this time, she wouldn’t stop with her car. She is going to go after Alyssa.”

“She threatened Alyssa directly,” he realizes. “She isn’t going after you anymore.”

“Looks that way.”

“You should call the cops. Tony would help you with this. Why are you letting this girl ruin your life? Ruin Alyssa’s life? She has even more of a right to know. How can she protect herself if she doesn’t know someone is threatening her? Damn it, Rocco. If you aren’t going to protect her, let her fucking protect herself!” he yells at me. Other patrons keep glancing at the two of us.

“I am protecting her by staying away. As long as I am nowhere near her, Vicki will stay away.”

“You’re taking her word on that? If she knows what Alyssa looks like, what is keeping her from going after her anyway? If she really wants to hurt you, Rocco, she will go after Alyssa.” His confidence has me second guessing my decision momentarily.

“I don’t have any other choice,” is all I have left to say.

We sit there in silence for a while. Shane finishes his beer. “Let’s go. I’m going to drive you home.”

“Don’t bother,” I mumble.

“Yeah, well, if you want to break all of the promises you made to Alyssa, that’s on you. I’m keeping the promise I made to her by making sure your pathetic fucking ass gets back safely. If she didn’t insist on me promising her, I would gladly leave you here. Now get the fuck up and let’s go!” he shouts slamming money on the counter.

I close out my tab and follow Shane outside. In the time I’ve been in the bar, the clouds have moved in and it’s pouring. A good representation of how the sun will never shine for me again. Shane is holding his hand out for my keys. Eventually, I get them out of my pocket and throw them to him. “Where is your car?” I ask looking around the parking lot.

“Troy dropped me off,” he snaps then stops before getting in the driver’s side of my car. “Let me just say for the record, you are one stupid mother fucker for throwing this thing you have with Alyssa away. I really hope you wake up tomorrow and realize what a prick you’ve been and go begging on your hands and knees to her. Not that you deserve her forgiveness. Just that she should get to witness you doing it.” He finishes his rant and gets in my car slamming the door. Shane doesn’t talk to me the whole ride back to school. Actually, he doesn’t talk to me for the next few days.

I totally slept through Monday morning, which was just fine with me because then I missed Cell Bio with Alyssa. There was no way my heart would be able to take seeing her and not be able to wrap my arms around her. The ache that has been radiating through me over how much I miss my Sunshine forces me to stay in bed skipping the rest of my classes for the day. Whatever. Wasn’t the first time. Some time in the late afternoon, I strolled out to the kitchen. Shane and Logan were playing Call of Duty or some shit. Logan asked how I was doing, but Shane never even acknowledged me. I ended up grabbing two beers and went back to my room without answering Logan. Later that night when Shane came in from the class he has with Alyssa, I wanted to ask him how she was doing. There was no point because he wouldn’t tell me anyway.

The next day went a little better because I knew we never ran into each other on Tuesdays unless we did it purposely. My three roommates went out somewhere that night, but they didn’t invite me. I really didn’t give a shit though because I wouldn’t have left my room anyway. I spent the whole night trying to decide if I should go to lab or not the next morning. Cell Bio is a mandatory class for my major, so I cannot keep blowing it off. I would still like to graduate in May. If this class was offered during the Spring Semester, I would drop it and just start all over again in January. I decided I would go to lab, but I wouldn’t work with Alyssa. She was just going to have to learn how to do this shit on her own.

Since she is usually late to lab, there wasn’t much to stress over. There was plenty of time for me to get in and return to my seat in the back of the room. I never even looked up when she came in. At one point I could have sworn it felt like she was staring right at me, but it could have been my imagination. Much to my surprise, she ended up finishing the lab before I did. Dr. Willis called her to his desk as she cleaned up, but I couldn’t hear what they were talking about. She took off right after that. Why did my heart break even more over the fact that she didn’t even try to talk to me? That was what I wanted, right? I wanted her to stay away. She never came to me crying. She never came begging to know why I was mistreating her. She never even yelled at me for being a dickhead. No drama. Nothing.

It took me a while to pull myself together and finish the lab. Afterwards, I went to the gym for a few hours. Then I still didn’t want to go back to my room, so I got in my car and drove around. I finally ate something for the first time in a couple of days. On my way back, something made me remember how Alyssa had class with Ryan. It was too late for me to make it back in time to get there. I tried to call Shane, but he wasn’t answering his phone. Probably because he knew it was me. I had no choice but to leave him a voicemail. Maybe he would check it. I also texted him to see if he could make sure she was okay. No response. I called Logan, but he didn’t answer either. I don’t know how many accidents I almost got into on the way back to campus, but I needed to make sure she was okay. If Ryan touched even a hair on her pretty little head, there would be no holding me back. Then I had to figure out how the hell was I going to find out how she was without knocking on her door and asking.

When I parked my car on the side of the building we both lived on, the blinds to her apartment were open. Even though it made me a total stalker, I walked up to her living room window and peered in. I caught a glimpse of her talking to whomever was sitting on the couch. She didn’t appear to be upset. She looked tired and worn out, but not upset from what I could tell. She looked absolutely beautiful. I stood there watching her until she disappeared into her room closing the door. She was going to bed. The blinds were already pulled in her room, but I could see the light for a few more minutes before it was turned out.

Eventually, I made it back to my room only to find all three of my roommates sitting around watching TV. Paige was laying on the couch in Troy’s lap while he stroked her hair making me miss Alyssa even more. “Hey, Rocco. There is extra pizza in the refrigerator if you want it,” Paige said without looking up.

“Couldn’t either of you answer your phones?” I directed it to Shane mostly. He checked his pockets and figured out he didn’t have his phone on him.

“Why? What’s up?” he asked reluctantly looking back at the TV.

“I needed someone to check on Alyssa. I was on my way back to school when I remembered she had class with Ryan tonight or I would have done it myself,” I explained.

“I don’t think you have a right to know anymore,” he snapped. “But, she was just chatting with Paige about ten minutes ago. Was she okay, Paige?”

“She’s fine,” Paige responded with a sigh. She got up from the couch and went into Troy and Logan’s room closing the door. Troy followed behind her but only after giving me a sideways glance and a shake of his head.

“Guess I’m not the only one who thinks that you are a rotten bastard.” This time Shane didn’t even bother looking in my direction.

I left him and Logan to watch whatever the hell it was they were watching and went to my room. As I lay in my bed, thoughts of how this time last week, I had the most beautiful girl here with me. We watched a movie, well, she watched a movie with the guys while I watched her. Everything about her fascinates me. The way her eyes light up when she laughs. How she brightens up a whole room just by being in it. How for just a few short weeks she made me feel like I was the luckiest guy in the whole damned world. I had to stop doing this to myself. Her safety has to be my main priority right now. I thought that if I could stop thinking about her, it would make everything so much easier.

The following day wasn’t any easier with Alyssa or my friends. Still no reaction from her in Cell Bio, even when Carrie very loudly announced that I was once again a free man and more than ready to give it to any girl who was interested. Of course, she volunteered in front of the whole class.

“Did everyone hear that Rocco Matthews is single again? I hear he is more than willing to make up for all the time he wasted with you know who,” she said. “How about tonight you come to my room and I help you forget all about what’s troubling you right now?” I wanted to scoop Alyssa up and carry her away from the horrible bitch. The shit Carrie was saying would definitely be bothering her. It was bad enough I had to protect her from Vicki.

“Carrie, there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to make me drunk enough to sleep with you,” I responded.

“You don’t mean that. You’re just upset right now,” she continued.

“Oh no, I meant every word,” I informed her. She gathered her shit and left before the professor even walked into the room.

Later that night, Shane and Troy had gone to the gym together. Troy came back a good hour or so before Shane, but I didn’t bother asking where he was. He would have said it was none of my business. Logan came out into the living room to watch TV with me. He tried to talk to me, but I really haven’t had much to say to anyone. In time, he gave up and we watched in silence. I didn’t crash until after four in the morning.

As I lie here reflecting on all of these events that have led up until right now, it’s apparent why my friends are angry with me. Because of me, Alyssa was brought into their lives and I was, essentially, taking her out. They are friends with her now and they don’t like how I am treating her. Fuck, I don’t like the way I’m treating her.

Shane was right. She had every right to know what was going on. We could have tried to find some way to work it out together or at least she should have had the option to leave if she wanted. That is what spending a life with someone is all about. I fucked up. I fucked up so bad she may never take me back. I let my anger and fear of what Vicki is capable of get in the way of what we had together. I cannot live without her. It was one thing to go through life before meeting her, but now that I knew how amazing life is with her, there is no going back. I am going to have to fight for her, even if it means crawling on my hands and knees begging like Shane said.

My thoughts are disrupted by a girl’s voice screaming in the living room. I jump out of bed and fling my bedroom door open. Logan and Shane are standing there with Leah and Tyler.

“You!” Leah yells pointing at me. “If something happened to my best friend because of your psycho ex-bitch, I will kill you myself.” Tyler is trying to hold her back from attacking me, but he’s struggling.

“What the hell are you talking about? How do you know about her?” I glance at Shane. The look on his face says it all. He told Alyssa about Vicki. “What did you do, Shane?”

“I don’t give a shit what you do to me, Rocco. She had to know the truth. She was walking around thinking she was just another one of your fucking whores that you screw and discard like nothing. She is so much better than that.” The anger that was beginning to simmer evaporates immediately leaving me empty. I feel as though someone ripped out my heart and is squeezing the life out of it right in front of me. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. How could she think I thought she was a whore after Saturday night? She is my world. I told her that very thing repeatedly.

“I’m calling the police!” Leah shouts reaching for her phone in her pocket.

“Wait, why? Where is Alyssa?” I need to know. If something has happened to her, I won’t survive it.

“I have no fucking idea. No one has seen or heard from her all day and she isn’t answering her phone,” Leah is starting to cry. A quick glance at the clock says it is three thirty in the afternoon.

“Leah,” I cross the room, take the phone out of her hand, and grab both sides of her face. “You need to focus and tell me exactly what happened.” Fat tears are rolling down her face making her mascara run. This wasn’t Leah.

“Last night we were coming home from the grocery store when we ran into Troy and Shane. They were coming down the steps from the other side of campus and we were carrying bags in, so they helped us. Shane asked Alyssa if she had spoken to you yet and she told him that apparently it was your MO to screw a girl and never talk to her again. She was trying not to show it, but she had been a wreck all week.” She takes a break to wipe her nose on her sleeve. Shane brings her tissues. “Thanks.”

“Keep going,” I encourage her.

“Shane said he wanted to tell her about what was going on with you. She wouldn’t let me leave her while he told her. She just sat there listening to him, never saying anything or even asking a question. I don’t even think she blinked. When he was done talking, she thanked him and went to bed. She was already dressed when I was getting up for class this morning. I asked her where she was going and she just said she knew what she needed to do in order to let you go. Then she left. Rocco, that was seven hours ago. I thought maybe she was here with you. I thought maybe she had to yell at you or something. That is why I came here looking for her,” she finishes her story.

I’m devastated. She wants to let me go. Maybe I can stop her. “She actually said she needed to let me go?” I ask just to clarify.

“That’s what she said,” Leah starts crying again. “If something happened to her…”

“Nothing happened to her, Leah. I know where she is,” I say running to my room. I pick up the clothes I wore yesterday off the floor and start changing without closing the door behind me.

“Where is she?” Leah demands to know. She’s completely unaffected by me standing here in my boxers.

I don’t answer her until I’m finished getting dressed and stepping into my sneakers. “I’m going to get her and bring her home,” I promise Leah rushing passed her grabbing my keys off of my desk. I take off running out of our apartment, through the hallway, down the steps, and all the way to my car.

The normal twenty minute drive to the park feels like it takes hours. The local schools are just getting out, so I am fighting the buses that stop every few feet to let the kids off. Finally, I pull into the small parking lot and instantly feel relieved when I see her car there. After parking a few spaces down from her, I get out of my car. She is sitting on the same picnic table we sat on together a little over a week ago. Her back is to me and she doesn’t even turn around to look to see who is coming up behind her. Perhaps she already knows who it is. I round the fenced-in area of the playground and realize I’m too late. Alyssa didn’t turn around to see who was behind her because she is watching the balloon float away. My eyes lock on it and I feel myself crumble. Every idea that crossed through my mind about what to say to her has vanished. There’s nothing left to talk about. She’s already let me go. The need to get out of here is overwhelming. My devastated heart will not even allow me to look in her direction. I leave the park without saying a word.

There is no way in hell I will be going back to campus right now. I’m sure she will tell everyone what happened. My car seems to have a mind of its own because it takes me to my house. If my mom sees me like this, she will drill me with questions for hours. I park my car in my garage and stumble up the steps to my apartment. Coming here is definitely a mistake. I made sure the cleaning staff knew to stay away from my apartment before leaving here abruptly last Sunday. Once I’m through the door, reminders of the night Alyssa spent here with me are all over the place. The spot in front of the fireplace where I had her calling out my name. The note she left for me on the pad of paper that is stuck on the refrigerator. The bottle of water I knocked over on the counter when she started running her hands up and down my thighs. Then I go into my bedroom and that is my undoing. Her flowers are wilting in the vase next to my bed. I had forgotten to grab them for her. The candles are still where I placed them. My sheets, where I spent the best night of my entire fucking night, are disheveled, half hanging off the bed. The t-shirt I put on Alyssa before we finally went to sleep only to rip off of her the next morning is on my floor. I pick it up and crawl into the bed I thought I’d never have to sleep alone in again. Holding it close to me, I actually start crying for the first time since my dad died. The smell of her is all around me. On the shirt. On my pillows. Even the blankets. I remember what happened in the shower. As pathetic as it sounds, I am no longer just crying. I am sobbing uncontrollably. I have a privileged life anyone would kill for. I own a plot of land that is over seven acres just waiting for me to build on. I have a trust fund large enough to not only support me and my children, but also their children without any of us working a day in our lives. None of it means anything. Without Alyssa, I don’t want any of it. Without my Sunshine, I am nothing.

Дата добавления: 2015-10-30