it all comes back to what I said about wanting control. If I let the emotions control me, then I don’t feel in
control.”
“I’m not saying let them control you,” Sebastian said. “Just listen to them, maybe?”
“I do,” Kurt insisted. “That’s mostly why I spoke to you at Nicole’s house – because I’d had a flashback
about comforting you and I felt kind of...protective.”
“Protective? Of me?” Sebastian asked with a smile.
“Yes.”
“How cute.” Sebastian said.
Kurt rolled his eyes as Sebastian pulled his hand out of Kurt’s and wrapped it around his waist instead,
slipping the tips of his fingers into the front pocket of his jeans. “I love you,” he said, pressing a kiss to
Kurt’s temple.
Kurt curled his arm around Sebastian’s waist and smiled. “I’m getting there.”
_
They walked for another forty five minutes until they found a secluded tree to settle down under.
Sebastian tugged Kurt’s head down onto his lap, not paying attention to his protests as he threaded his
fingers through his hair.
“No, seriously. Don’t touch it!” Kurt said, trying to duck away from Sebastian’s insistent hand.
Sebastian laughed. “You think I’m going to listen to you?”
“You should,” Kurt said, slapping at Sebastian’s hand.
“Well I’m not.” Sebastian pushed Kurt’s hand away and grabbed lightly at a fistful of Kurt’s hair. Kurt sighed
and gave in, a low moan escaping his throat when Sebastian tugged his hair in a way that sent sparks
spiralling from his scalp right down to the tips of his toes. A warm pair of lips brushed against his forehead.
“Never underestimate how well I know you,” Sebastian whispered.
“You don’t seem to know me that well if you’re messing up my hair when I’m telling you not to.”
“No, but I also know you find this soothing -” he dragged the pads of his fingers along Kurt’s scalp, back and
forth, back and forth and yes, it was soothing but Kurt didn’t admit to it. Sebastian chuckled above him, the
sight of him blocked out by how Kurt’s eyes had slid shut.
“Whatever.” he grumbled.
They sat listening to the bustling life around them, Sebastian’s hand in Kurt’s hair and his voice low as he
hummed. Like most of the songs Kurt heard lately, he recognized the tune but couldn’t name it. Eventually,
he gathered the energy to open his eyes and look up at Sebastian. His head was leaning back against the
tree but his eyes were fixed on Kurt’s face.
“What are you humming?”
“Loving You by Ourselves.” Sebastian said. “It’s a couple of years old.”
“Sing it.”
“Ooh, bossy. I like that.” Sebastian said, laughing when Kurt gave his stomach a light punch. “Fine, fine.” He
took a deep breath and started to sing. “And loving you is the best thing I’ve ever done -”
Kurt closed his eyes, letting the sound of Sebastian’s voice wash over him. It was the first time he’d heard
Sebastian sing. The most he’d heard of his voice was during Bad in the parking lot when they’d been
fighting for who’d do MJ at Regionals. Even then, he’d been backed up with Warbler vocals and singing
along with the New Directions. Right now, his voice was soft and purely him.
“You have a nice voice,” he said absently.
“So you’ve told me before.”
“Have I?”
“Mm.”
“Well this is the first time I’m hearing you sing without any ulterior motives.”
“I’ll sing for you whenever you want.”
Kurt closed his eyes again but there was something bugging him when Sebastian picked up from where
he’d left off. “Have you sang this before?” he asked, opening his eyes to look at Sebastian.
“Bunch of times, yeah.”
“I think I remember some of it.”
“The song?”
“No, the times you’ve sang it.”
“Tell me.” Sebastian demanded.
“Don’t ask that, I can’t explain it.”
“You can’t do that, Kurt. Tell me whatever you remember.”
Kurt huffed and tried to concentrate on the broken images that were flitting through his mind’s eye. It was
too difficult to grasp on to a single one. “Okay no,” he said. “I give up. One second I see you drunk out of
your mind, the next we’re cuddling.”
Sebastian laughed. “Makes sense.”
“To you, maybe.” Kurt grumbled.
“I like that you’re starting to remember me. Even if it’s like this.”
“Making no sense at all?”
“That sounds like a pretty apt description of me.” Sebastian said with a grin. He held out his hand in front
of Kurt until Kurt got the message and slid his fingers in the gaps between Sebastian’s. They settled down
in silence once again, the sun slowly sinking in the sky around them.
“Today’s been exhausting.”
“Tell me about it,” Sebastian said. “And I have to work tomorrow.”
“I was thinking I might start too.”
“Going back to work?”
“Not exactly. I want to go through the files and designs I was working on before the accident or at least do
a bit of research on fashion trends over the past decade. That way, when I go in to the office, I won’t be
completely clueless. Nicole said she’d help.”
“That’s cool, it’ll give you something to do while I’m not around.”
“Like I’m not capable of a life when you’re not around?” Kurt asked, arching an eyebrow.
“Things aren’t nearly as interesting, you gotta admit. I mean, come on. A week of being comatose? Imagine
if I’d been with you wherever you’d disappeared during that time. Being unconscious would have been so
much more fun.”
Kurt turned his face into Sebastian’s thigh to hide his laugh and the gesture felt so incredibly natural that
when he looked back up at Sebastian’s smiling face, he felt as if he was seeing Sebastian a bit clearer than
he had before. Like he was a black and white outline and Kurt was slowly coloring in bits and pieces of him
with recovered memories and his newly discovered feelings. Maybe that’s why he didn’t think twice before
reaching up with his free hand to pull him down for a kiss.
_
By the time they got home, both of them were exhausted.
“Do you want to eat anything?” Sebastian asked, toeing off his shoes at the entrance.
“No, I’m still full.” Kurt said. “But get me a glass of milk.”
“I wasn’t offering to get you anything but okay.” Sebastian said, narrowly missing the kick Kurt directed
towards his shin.
Kurt brushed his teeth, sped through his moisturizing routine, too tired to shower. He was letting down the
blinds in his rooms when Sebastian came in, once again shirtless.
“Did I take off my – oh yeah, here it is.” He picked up the t-shirt Kurt had placed on the love seat that
morning and pulled it on before turning to face Kurt. “Don’t let all of them down, the light from outside’s
beautiful.”
“Also a little distracting when you’re trying to sleep late in the mornings.”
Sebastian pouted. “I have to get up early.”
“Too bad for you,” Kurt said as he brushed past him to the bed. Sebastian padded behind him and once
Kurt had sat down, he swung a leg over his lap and moved to straddle his thighs. The new position brought
them startlingly close but when Sebastian cupped his face and gave him a smile that was as soft and gentle
as the low glow of the lamp, he relaxed. “Saying goodnight? Or officially ending the date?” Kurt asked.
“Both,” Sebastian said before leaning in and kissing him. Kurt slipped his tongue in Sebastian’s mouth,
teasing him with tiny kitten licks until Sebastian groaned and shuffled closer, their groins pressing together.
Kurt could feel the outline of Sebastian’s flaccid cock through his thin night suit but it didn’t make him
want to pull away or even press closer. It was just there, just like the rest of Sebastian and Kurt didn’t know
why he found it funny that Sebastian and his dick came in one package. Maybe it was the whole double
meaning of ‘package’, maybe he hadn’t expected the first time he’d feel Sebastian’s dick to be something
completely matter of fact. Either way, when he started laughing into Sebastian’s mouth, Sebastian pulled
away looking offended.
“What?” he asked.
“Nothing,” Kurt said, shaking his head.
“Are you laughing at me?”
“No.”
Sebastian looked at him dubiously for a second before he decided they’d make better use of their time
kissing and started to lean forward again but it only made the head of his cock nudge at the side of Kurt’s
hip and he snorted, actually feeling a little immature this time around.
“What the fuck is up with you?” Sebastian asked.
“I’m just tired,” Kurt said and it wasn’t an outright lie. His eyes were dropping with exhaustion.
Sebastian sighed. “Me too. But I don’t want to leave yet.”
“So don’t,” Kurt said. “Stay with me.”
The pause that followed was tense for some reason, Kurt had a feeling Sebastian was thinking of how he’d
yelled at Kurt for not letting them share a bed that morning. Sure enough, he shook his head and said,
“Kurt, I don’t want you to feel like you have to -”
“I don’t feel obligated if that’s what you’re thinking.” Kurt said firmly. “I’m asking you to stay because I
want you to.” He pressed their foreheads together and brushed his lips along the corner of Sebastian’s
mouth. “Following those crazy emotions and everything.”
Sebastian still looked doubtful. “You sure?” he asked.
“Yes.”
His face finally broke into a smile. “Okay,” he said. “Lemme get my phone. It’s got my alarm.”
Kurt nodded and accepted a quick kiss before Sebastian slipped away. He settled down on the bed and
switched off the light, trying to think of reasons why this could be a mistake and when nothing popped to
mind, he felt relieved. Sebastian returned, fiddling with his phone and using the glare to light his way in the
dark room before he set it aside on his bedside table and lay down next to Kurt.
“This isn’t so bad,” Kurt said.
“Mm.”
“Just don’t rape me.” Sebastian groaned at that and turned his face into his pillow. Kurt smiled. “I’m
joking.”
“Don’t.”
“Everything that happened today? I’m glad it did.”
Sebastian’s face was obscured by the dark but Kurt could make out the faint hint of a smile. “Me too,” he
said.
A hand reached out and brush against Kurt’s bicep lightly as if waiting for him to flinch away from the
touch. He didn’t. Sebastian shifted closer, just enough so he wouldn’t have to stretch his arm out to reach
for Kurt and this thumb slipped past the sleeve of Kurt’s t-shirt to trace along his forearm in tiny circles. It
was just as soothing as the hands in his hair had been except this time around, the combination of the soft
mattress beneath him and the coolness of the dark made him even more boneless than he’d felt in the
park.
Sebastian didn’t stick to monotonous circles; his thumb would shift from the circles to slow back and forth
motions before turning into figures eights, the combination of the different patterns sending tiny, delicious
tremors through Kurt. Somehow, Sebastian fell asleep before Kurt, his hand dropping away from Kurt’s
arm to rest heavily on his stomach instead and when the weight became uncomfortable, Kurt pushed it
away, letting it thump onto the bed between them. He felt sorry for a moment but Sebastian snuffled and
threw a leg out, hooking his ankle over Kurt’s before his breathing became even once more and Kurt
figured he was okay.
It took him a long time to fall asleep despite how tired he was but when he did, he could still feel the
phantom brush of Sebastian’s thumb against his skin and the more solid weight of his ankle against Kurt's.
It made him smile.
Chapter 33
Kurt jerked awake at the sound of Sebastian’s alarm going off. It was far from the worst wakeup call he’d
ever got but it didn’t stop the racing in his heart from being woken up unexpectedly. He could feel
Sebastian shuffling around on the bed next to him, reaching bleary eyed for his phone. Once the sound cut
off and the room was enveloped in silence once more, Sebastian thumped back down against his pillow
and groaned. Kurt, who was already starting to slip back into the blissful realms of sleep, turned his back to
him and closed his eyes.
The sheets rustled and a second later, a knee jammed into the back of Kurt’s shin. He groaned half in
frustration, half in pain but Sebastian only slid in closer, bringing an arm to wrap around Kurt’s waist.
“Dntchoo have tgeddup?” Kurt mumbled, his lips barely parting enough to form words.
“J’s a few minutes.” Sebastian said, pressing his forehead against the back of Kurt’s neck. Kurt hummed,
letting Sebastian throw a leg over his own and snuggle closer. He lost track of time but when the heat of
two bodies pressing together became uncomfortably hot and Kurt shifted on to his back, he found that
Sebastian had fallen into a deep sleep with no apparent intention of getting up again.
Kurt could have let him sleep on but he knew Sebastian would be late for work if he did. Feeling irritated
that he had to play the role of the responsible one in the situation, he nudged Sebastian’s side with an
elbow and said, “Hey – geddup.” Sebastian pressed his face into Kurt’s chest and mumbled something that
sounded suspiciously like in a minute but Kurt gave his shoulder a firm shake and said, “You already took a
few minutes. Geddup.”
Sebastian rolled away from Kurt, flopping onto his stomach on the other side of the bed. Kurt could hear
him grumbling to himself as he reached for his phone again, tapping at it to light up the screen. When he
saw the time, he bolted back on to his knees, narrowly avoiding falling off the bed. “Fuck!”
“Told you,” Kurt said as Sebastian got to his feet and started stumbling towards the door. By the time the
bathroom door thumped shut behind him in the hall, Kurt was already asleep.
He was awoken a short while later by a freshly showered, fully dressed Sebastian stroking his fingers gently
along Kurt’s cheek. Kurt opened his eyes slowly, his eyelids feeling heavy and tilted his head to look up at
him. “What?”
“Gimme a kiss, I’m leaving.” Sebastian said, leaning down and Kurt had just enough sense to pull back
before their lips touched.
“Ew,” he said, wrinkling his nose. Sebastian looked both amused and slightly hurt but there was no way
Kurt was going to kiss him like this. His lips were dry and chapped and he had morning breath. Even a little
peck was out of the question.
“What’s wrong?” Sebastian asked, his fingers curling around thin air where Kurt’s cheek had been a second
ago.
Kurt shook his head and said, “It’s just gross.”
Sebastian started to laugh then, the sound filling up the room, drowning out the muffled noise of traffic
and morning bustle outside the windows. “Oh baby, I’ve seen you when you’re gross and trust me this -”
he gestured a hand along Kurt’s body “– isn’t gross.” Kurt didn’t get a chance to pull back this time but
Sebastian only kissed his cheek. “Go back to sleep,”
Kurt wanted to point out how that was no longer a possibility thanks to Sebastian waking him up multiple
times already but all he did was wave a hand as Sebastian disappeared out the door and turn his face into
the nearest pillow. It didn’t take much to figure out the pillow was Sebastian’s, it smelled strongly of him
and Kurt found himself pressing his nose further into the softness of it.
Somehow, he managed to go back to sleep anyway.
_
The apartment seemed quiet without Sebastian but it didn’t feel empty. In fact, without Sebastian around,
Kurt realized he had hours stretching ahead of him where he could explore every square inch of the place,
pull out all the little secrets hidden under the beds and deep in the closets without anyone hovering over
him. It was a new kind of freedom and it might have been crazy, but it felt like the walls themselves were
exuding a silent sort of encouragement.
Of course Kurt didn’t really have to dig too deep; the first thing he saw when he opened the guest
bedroom was Sebastian’s laptop lying on the pile of rumpled sheets in the middle of the bed and well, that
was secretive enough.
It wasn’t password protected when Kurt opened it. He bit his lip, hand hovering over the sleek black keys
as he tried to convince himself this wasn’t really an invasion of privacy. Sebastian knew the password to
Kurt’s laptop, he’d known the contents of his files well enough to navigate through them flawlessly when
the two of them had been going through pictures together so it wasn’t like Kurt was doing something
wrong. He’d probably browsed through Sebastian’s laptop plenty of times before. They were husbands.
They shared stuff, right?
Somehow, the logic still felt wrong but Kurt couldn’t push away the burning curiosity to find out what
Sebastian had been looking at. “Please don’t be porn.” He said aloud as he pushed back the screen to a
more comfortable angle and clicked on the first open window.
There was no porn in sight, thank god. Most of the windows had pictures of him and Sebastian from
different albums, Sebastian’s browser was open to an unfinished email addressed to Kate Ryerson and
another window at the bottom of the screen was labelled Trinity Shit. What caught Kurt’s attention though
were he tabs next to Sebastian’s open Gmail account. They all seemed to center around one theme; Help!
Where’d My Memories go?!, How to Handle a Family Member With Amnesia, What Is Retrograde
Amnesia?, Coping with Amnesia, Flashbacks and PTSD Explained, Memory: What Can You Do to Trigger It?
Kurt flicked through the articles, skimming the text but not really taking anything in. His chest ached in the
dull way it sometimes did when the emotion was too complicated for him to do anything other than just
feel it. Kurt knew Sebastian had been trying as hard he could to help him regain his memories but the
image of him curled up in bed with these stupid articles, the thought that in his desperation he’d turned to
advice from websites that listed down steps to recovering memory as if it were as simple as rebooting a
computer made the situation so much more painful.
It was apparent that Sebastian hadn’t just been reading these articles, he’d taken them as serious
guidelines. Some of the tips they had given were things Sebastian had actually tried with Kurt – going to
familiar places, browsing through pictures with detailed explanations, playing favorite songs...
At least Sebastian had made everything seem less mechanical than it sounded on paper.
When he could no longer take the cheerful stories of patients who had succeeded in regaining their
memories, Kurt shut the laptop and stood up. He was sure by now that his memory was only temporarily
blocked, but he couldn’t help thinking that those very stories had been what built up false expectations in
Sebastian. It explained why he’d snapped yesterday when Kurt hadn’t snapped back to normal after their
first kiss in the lounge. The articles made it look so easy. It wasn’t.
Back in his bedroom, he dug through his closet for every piece of clothing with his initials on it and spread
it out on the bed, intent on continuing through with his original plans of but halfway through looking at his
own incomplete sketches, he decided he was too distracted to concentrate.
Eventually, he found himself on the couch, opening sub folder after sub folder on the screen in front of him
until he got to his wedding file. He’d been putting it off for too long, both because he hadn’t felt ready and
because he’d had a feeling Sebastian would be too hurt if Kurt sat down and watched one of the most
important days in both their lives and didn’t remember anything. Now though, with the knowledge of
exactly how much effort Sebastian was putting into this relationship, into Kurt’s health, the need to give
back as good as he was getting was too strong.
There were two videos, one titled Official, the other As Narrated by Blaine Anderson. Intrigued, Kurt clicked
the latter and a black screen popped up, Blaine’s dramatic voice filling the background.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, what you are about to witness is the exclusive, uncensored, behind the scenes
footage of Sebastian Smythe and Kurt Hummel’s wedding. Join me, the man – the best man - Blaine
Anderson as I take you through the nitty gritty of getting married. Watch the union of the man who swore
he’d never love anyone but himself and the -”
“Oh shut up Blaine, nobody is going to watch that video except us.” Sebastian’s voice cut in.
“And you sound like Rachel,” Kurt added.
“Fuck you both.”
Twenty minutes into the video, Kurt was glad he’d chosen this instead of the official. The clips weren’t just
from the wedding, there were scenes that probably took place weeks before with people sitting around
tables planning color schemes and going through seating arrangements. Some of the faces Kurt recognized
others were completely unfamiliar. Blaine kept up a steady stream of comments throughout all the clips,
an air of warmth and playfulness about them. There wasn’t a single scene where Kurt or Sebastian were
acting happy out of obligation, in fact they were bickering with each other over trivial matters, swearing at
Blaine to fucking shut up, at things they bumped into while looking the other way, at the world in general
rather than posing for the camera.
It made the whole ordeal of watching his wedding a lot less nerve wracking than Kurt had originally
expected. It felt real. Not magical, not something that looked like it had been taken out of someone else’s
life but something that was so realistic, it actually reminded Kurt of the panic, the chaos, the way he’d
been on edge while planning Burt and Carole’s wedding.
“Oh man Kurt’s lost it.” Blaine said in between a laugh. The camera was focused in on Kurt standing next to
a large man, both of them looking incredibly stressed out. Kurt was gesticulating wildly as he talked, not
letting the other man get a single word edgewise. “I mean it was only a matter of time,” Blaine continued
as he zoomed in on Kurt’s face. “Poor guy’s been way more stressed ever since Sebastian’s family started
showing up and I don’t think he’s getting laid as much as he wants to.”
“Wouldn’t be too sure about that.”
Blaine swiveled to focus on Sebastian. The camera was zoomed in too much so all that actually came out of
it was a close up of Sebastian’s left eye and a flash of cheek before Blaine turned focus back to Kurt and
asked, “Shouldn’t you be calming him down or something?”
“Naah, Cameron’s a pain in the ass. He probably deserves whatever he’s getting.”
“Sebastian!” Kurt called out when he caught sight of him.
“Yes, baby?”
“Did you speak to Cameron about the additional fifteen people we have to feed for the next five days?”
“Fuck,” Sebastian breathed.
“You are screeeewwweddd,” Blaine teased.
“Fuck. Blaine – save me.”
“SEBASTIAN TELL ME YOU -”
“Blaine save me.” Sebastian said in an urgent voice, louder than Kurt’s own since he was standing right next
to the camera.
“Oh no, you’re on your own man.”
Kurt almost felt sorry for Sebastian as he watched his own face cloud over with rage on screen, realizing
that’s what he must have looked like every time Finn messed up any part of his immaculate planning for
their parent’s wedding.
“Hey Kurt, how about a smile -” Blaine said as Kurt stalked past him after Sebastian.
“Not now Blaine,” Kurt said, elbowing the camera as he went. “SEBASTIAN COME BACK HERE!”
Despite the feverish preparations, there were moments which embodied all the warmth and happiness
that weddings brought. Moments when Blaine hid away in corners and filmed Sebastian sleeping curled
against Kurt’s side exhausted after a day of entertaining guests, when their friends would sit outside after
dinner and sing with Kurt sitting between Sebastian’s legs, when they were all dancing to some thumping
bass in the background and shouting at Kurt and Sebastian to stop making out.
“For god’s sake you get married in three days! Keep it in your pants!”
“Fuck off Kate,” Sebastian said, breaking away from the kiss to glare at his cousin. “Or do you want me to
talk about what I found you and John doing in the pool house the night before your wedding?”
“Ooh he got you there,” Blaine said even as Kate threw him a vicious glare.
“You weren’t even there. He could be lying for all you know.”
“But I’m not Katy and you know it.”
Kate turned back to Sebastian and shook her head. “You play dirty Sebby.”
Sebastian gave her a smug smile before sliding his hand around the back of Kurt’s head and dropping his
gaze to Kurt’s mouth. “Now if you’ll excuse us...”
It wasn’t until Kurt saw himself getting dressed for his wedding that he started to feel the beginnings of
nervousness. It just bloomed in his stomach out of nowhere as if he were actually standing in front of the
mirror like he was on screen, struggling with his cravat. The suit at least, had Kurt’s instant approval and for
a moment he just looked himself over, thankful for the full head to toe shot Blaine took of him that
allowed him to appreciate the outfit in its entirety.
It might have been obnoxious but Kurt couldn’t help but think I look pretty damn fabulous.
What he also looked was pretty damn nervous.
“Aw, are you nervous?” Blaine asked. “Don’t worry, you’re not alone. I just visited Seb and he’s freaking
out. Wouldn’t even let me film him.”
“Yeah Kurt, it’s totally normal. You saw me at my wedding.” Finn added.
Burt laughed from somewhere in the background. “Finn, don’t compare yourself to your brother. You were
sweating through your suit.”
Kurt was silent throughout the whole exchange. Eventually, Blaine said “Finn, hey, can you hold this for a
sec?”
“Sure.”
The camera shook as it was handed over to Finn, Burt’s voice warning him to not drop it, and a second
later, Blaine came into the shot, moving to stand in front of Kurt and draw his fumbling hands away from
his neck. In the few more seconds the clip lasted, Blaine continued to talk to Kurt in a low, soothing tone.
What he was saying was difficult to make out but Kurt was nodding along, lips pressed tightly together as if
to keep himself from crying.
He wasn’t sure, but Kurt thought he head himself say there was a time when I thought it’d be you. Whether
he was joking or being serious, he couldn’t tell because his face was blocked out by Blaine leaning up for a
hug and Burt moving into the shot with his own arms outstretched. The scene cut there, transitioning into
what seemed to be the wedding reception. Kurt was thrown off for a few seconds – where was the actual
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