“Fuck, Kurt” Blaine breathed. “I love you so much.”
Kurt felt his heart clench and stomach swoop with the familiar jittery happiness that he used to feel
whenever Blaine told him that. His hips stuttered, body reeling on the edge of an orgasm. He came as he
woke up, back arching and cock throbbing in his briefs.
For a few seconds, Kurt could do nothing but stare at the ceiling, willing himself to regain control of his
breathing. His body felt loose and tight at the same time; boneless with his release and tense with the guilt
coursing through him. The room was dark, a thin strip of moonlight streaking through a slit in the blinds. It
was probably hours before dawn. When Kurt turned his head, he found Sebastian sprawled out on his
stomach next to him, fast asleep. He’d forgone his normal nightly attire in favor of sleeping naked since
he’d insisted the formalities were unnecessary. He looked innocent in his sleep, peaceful. Kurt felt a fresh
wave of guilt, accompanied by a sickness in his stomach and a throb in his temple at the sight of him.
He reached out and touched Sebastian’s shoulder, curving his palm to the shape of it and soaking in the
feeling of his sleep warm skin. Sebastian didn’t move, not even when Kurt leaned in and pressed his lips to
his cheek. Pushing away the dream felt easier this way, with Sebastian real and solid next to him but when
Kurt tried to shift closer, the stickiness in his underwear made his face twist in discomfort and the image of
Blaine’s flushed face came crashing back to his mind’s eye.
Kurt grit his teeth and took a deep breath, fighting the buzzing that had started up in his ears. He needed
to breathe. He couldn’t breathe here.
Quietly, he slipped out of bed, grabbing a clean pair of underwear and some clothes as he went. He was
halfway to the bedroom door when he turned back and went to his bedside table. The drawer creaked
slightly when Kurt slid it open but he managed to find his wedding band easily. Sebastian snuffled in his
sleep and turned onto his back when Kurt shut the door behind him, but he didn’t wake up.
_
Kurt stayed on the roof for hours, doing nothing but staring out at the city and breathing deeply, his fingers
constantly twirling the ring in his hands. He tried to block his thoughts but it was like trying to stop a tide
from crashing. This wasn’t the first time he’d dreamt about Blaine - he’d been dreaming about him
constantly for the past few weeks. But this was the first time they had been doing anything that didn’t earn
a PG-13 rating.
He was desperate for the quiet calm that had settled around him last night after talking to Sebastian, for
the feeling of completeness that he’d got when they both lay wrapped around each other afterwards. But
at the moment all he felt was guilty and helpless and there was no way he’d be able to look Sebastian in
the eye for at least a couple of days.
“You know if you’re going to leave a guy in the middle of the night, a heads up would be nice.”
Well, not looking at him wasn’t really an option, was it?
Kurt turned around to see Sebastian making his way towards him in a pair of shorts and slippers, hair a wild
mess and eyes still sleep heavy. He barely had time to wipe discreetly as his tears before Sebastian was
hoisting himself up to sit on the ledge with him.
“How’d you know I was here?” Kurt asked.
“I had a feeling,” Sebastian said. “You’re lucky I didn’t start freaking out when you weren’t in the
apartment.”
“Sorry,” Kurt said. “I just needed some fresh air. It was too hot down there.”
“I’m sure it was,” Sebastian said with a smirk. At Kurt’s frown, he added. “Guess what I saw in the
bathroom?” Kurt’s heart sunk at the thought of the soiled boxers he’d thrown aside without thought but
Sebastian apparently, seemed to find the whole thing hilarious. “If you were horny, you could have woken
me up,” he said, leaning in and dropping his gaze to Kurt’s mouth. “We could have gone for round three.”
His words only made Kurt guiltier and he pushed Sebastian away when he tried to kiss him. “Stop it,” he
muttered.
Sebastian moved back, but barely. “What’s up?” he asked, voice softer.
Kurt looked down at his hands, twirling the ring in circles again. He was tempted to say nothing and follow
Sebastian back to bed but the sensible part of his brain knew that hiding this from Sebastian would only
make things worse. But god - how was he supposed to explain to his husband that he’d just had a wet
dream about his ex boyfriend?
“Kurt?” Sebastian prompted. “What’s going on?”
His heart thudding, Kurt whispered, “I had another dream about Blaine.”
Sebastian stared at him, still confused. “So?”
“I had a dream about Blaine,” he said slowly, keeping his eyes on Sebastian’s and hoping desperately that
Sebastian wouldn’t make him explain any further.
He’d got his point across apparently because Sebastian’s lips parted and he leaned back, blinking a couple
of times until all traces of sleep disappeared. “Oh,” he said, looking away as if not sure how to respond. His
grin had disappeared, replaced by a crease between his eyebrows and a little twist to his mouth that Kurt
instinctively knew was indicative of how Sebastian was upset but was trying to hide it.
“I was dreaming about you first,” Kurt said, sounding helpless. “It just happened. I’m so sorry -”
“You weren’t thinking about him though, right?” Sebastian asked.
“What?”
“Blaine. You weren’t thinking about him when we were having sex. Or afterwards? You didn’t wish it was
him?”
“How could you even think that? No. Of course not.”
“Then I don’t really care.” Sebastian said with a shrug like that solved everything.
“You don’t care that I’m having sex with him in my dreams?” Kurt asked, quirking an eyebrow.
Sebastian laughed, “No.”
Kurt had expected to be relieved by Sebastian’s easy acceptance. Instead, he felt only more wound up.
“How are you so okay with this all of a sudden?”
“It’s not like you can control your dreams,” Sebastian said. “And you did say you were dreaming about me
first.” Kurt turned away from him again, shaking his head at how messed up everything felt in his mind.
Sebastian was staring at him quietly and from the corner of his eye, Kurt could see how he was frowning
again. “This is bugging you isn’t it?”
“Of course it’s bugging me Sebastian,” Kurt said, just barely suppressing the urge to roll his eyes.
“Kurt, if you’re feeling guilty over a stupid dream -”
“It wasn’t just a dream,” Kurt said, ducking his head down and gripping his ring tightly in between his
thumb and forefinger. “I’m pretty sure it was a memory of some kind. There was this stupid bear on the
floor I remember buying him from the airport gift shop when I went to surprise him for Valentine’s Day.”
“Okay, so it was a memory. It was still something you couldn’t stop - Kurt,” he forced Kurt’s gaze back to
his. “Stop beating yourself up over this.”
“Look I appreciate what you’re trying to do but -”
“I’m not trying to do anything,” Sebastian cut him off, reaching to tug the ring out of Kurt’s grip. Kurt
fought the sudden lump that rose in his throat when Sebastian took his left hand. He was a hopeless
romantic, he always would be and something about the way the moonlight was bathing Sebastian’s face in
a soft glow as he slid the ring on Kurt’s finger was incredibly romantic. Sebastian stared at their hands for a
long moment, his face contemplative before he met Kurt’s gaze with a firm expression. “As far as I’m
concerned, you’re mine,” he said, his voice deep and comforting in a way that made Kurt’s body curl
towards him. “And as long as you want to be mine, I’m not going to let some stupid dreams convince me
otherwise.”
Kurt finally relaxed, his shoulders slumping as he let out a deep breath and squeezed Sebastian’s hands.
“Well it’s not like you stopped fighting even when I didn’t want to be yours,” he said with a small smile.
“You’re pretty insistent.”
“I don’t like having my things taken away from me,” Sebastian said with a grin, sliding down from the
ledge. He stepped in between Kurt’s parting thighs, bracketing his arms on the ledge on either side of
Kurt’s waist. “Besides, it’s not like I’m a stranger to sexy dreams about other people.”
“Really?” Kurt said, raising an eyebrow.
“You don’t remember all my fantasies about Nathan? You’re in a lot of them,” he said as he leaned in to
capture Kurt’s lips. Kurt lost himself in the kiss for a few seconds, feeling the buzzing in his ears quieten
down until it rushed up again with the image of a tall, brunette boy with large eyes and an Australian
accent. He cupped Sebastian’s jaw and pulled away, fixing him with a questioning gaze.
“Wait, Nathan as in the lead singer from Ourselves Nathan?”
Sebastian grinned. “So you do remember.”
Kurt’s head spun with the knowledge, with the sudden images of kneeling next to Sebastian on the bed as
Sebastian touched himself and elaborated on the fantasy he’d been having about Kurt fucking Nathan on
their dining table and - “Oh my god,” Kurt said with a helpless bout of laughter. “Nathan.”
“So are we even now?” Sebastian asked, wrapping an arm around Kurt’s waist and pulling him off the
ledge. Kurt wanted to point out how there was a huge difference between dreaming about a celebrity and
dreaming about your ex-boyfriend especially when that dream was more of an intimate memory than a
fantasy but Sebastian was grinning at him, dragging his knuckles along Kurt’s back and Kurt was more than
ready to let go of this night.
“I guess,” he said.
“Great. Now if we’re done here I’d like to go back down and get some sleep because I have to be up for
work in less than four hours.”
“You’ve woken up easily with less,” Kurt said as they started towards the stairs. He loved how he could pull
examples from the top of his head without straining to remember. For all the things that were still blocked
in his memory, it felt so easy to remember Sebastian, even if most of the incidents were just fuzzy
recollections rather than detailed flashbacks.
“Well in that case,” Sebastian shot Kurt a grin over his shoulder as he opened the apartment door and the
second they were both inside, he spun Kurt around and pinned him to the door. “You should tell me more
about those dreams you were having of me.”
“Not going to happen, Sebastian,” Kurt said, sidestepping him and toeing off the sandals he’d worn up to
the roof.
“Why not?” Sebastian said, following him into the bedroom as he stripped his clothes and threw them
aside.
“Because I’ve already come three times tonight and I don’t think I can again.”
Sebastian didn’t seem to take that as a sufficient excuse. He grabbed Kurt by the waist and fell onto the
bed with him, throwing a leg over his hip to keep him from squirming away. Kurt didn’t fight him. This felt
easy, this felt familiar and natural and he moved without thinking, curving an arm under Sebastian’s
shoulder and threading his hand through his hair.
__
”Oh hey,” Kurt says, voice thick and croaky from sleep when he feels the bed dip. It’s dark and if he had the
energy to open his eyes, he’d see that the digital clock on his side table reads a quarter past two.
Sebastian slides in to press his body along Kurt’s back, smelling strongly of alcohol but beneath that, he's all
clean sweat and fading cologne.“Hey,” he says, slurring a little.His lips are turned up in a smile when he
kisses Kurt’s neck.
“Have fun?” Kurt asks, melting into the embrace when Sebastian circles an arm around his waist. He
doesn’t mind Sebastian having his own life, his own friends and he hadn’t been upset when Sebastian called
to cancel their plans for dinner because he wanted to go out with a bunch of guys from work. But having
Sebastian come home to him at the end of the night is something he still looks forward to even if he doesn't
wait up. He can never quiet sleep as peacefully alone now that he's so used to sharing a bed with Sebastian.
“Mm,” Sebastian starts to mouth along Kurt’s neck, hand sliding around Kurt’s waist to rest on his stomach.
“You shudda come too.”
“Drinking with a group of pretentious lawyers isn’t really my thing.”
Sebastian ignores him and nips at his jaw before sucking a kiss over the bite. “You awake enough for some
fun of our own?”
Kurt’s not. Not really, he’s already half asleep but before he can say that, Sebastian is muttering something
and shifting away from Kurt to fumble with the cushions near his hip. “Someone had a good time without
me,” he says when he finds the dildo Kurt had forgotten to put away. He sounds equal parts amused and
upset at having missed out on the fun.
“I wasn’t going to wait around for you to come back,” Kurt says with a half shrug, turning away and closing
his eyes. “Its your own loss.”
“Fuck,” Sebastian says, throwing the toy aside and moving to wriggle out of his clothes before sliding back
in. “Did you imagine it was me?” he asks as he gently pushes Kurt so he’s fully on his stomach. “Did you
wish it was my cock in you?”
Kurt hums when Sebastian drapes himself over his back, the weight of him warm and perfect. He’s really
sleepy and the soothing kisses Sebastian is trailing along his shoulder blades aren’t helping keeping him
awake.
“Kurt,” Sebastian says when he doesn’t reply. “I asked you if you were thinking of me.”
“’course I was,” Kurt mumbles, pressing his cheek into the pillow and letting out a quiet sigh when
Sebastian kisses the dimple on his back.
“I wish I could have been here to see you.” Sebastian moves back up, lips pressing against the nape of Kurt’s
neck as he uses his knees to nudge his thighs apart. “You look so fucking hot when you touch yourself.”
“Mm.”
“Did you watch that video we made?” he asks. Kurt smiles at how pleased Sebastian sounds at the
prospect.
“Yes,” he manages to say even though his tongue feels heavy. It’s worth the effort because Sebastian lets
out a low growl and ducks forward to angle Kurt’s head so he can kiss him.
“Fuck that’s so hot,” he says. The kiss is messy and awkward from this angle but Sebastian is apparently too
drunk, or too horny to care. Kurt can feel his erection sliding against the back of his thigh as Sebastian
slowly ruts against him. From what seems like far away, he hears the click of a bottle cap being opened and
a second later, two slicked fingers circling his hole. They slide in easily, his muscles still loose from the hour
he’d spent slowly fucking himself. “Kurt,” Sebastian breathes, pressing his forehead to Kurt’s back. “Kurt,
fuck, Kurt. You’re so hot baby. You’re so fucking hot.”
And you are so fucking drunk, Kurt thinks with a smile.
Sebastian manages to slide into him with one smooth thrust and the second he’s buried fully inside of Kurt,
he moans loudly - loud enough to jolt Kurt into opening his eyes. He can’t bring himself to feel frustrated
though because Sebastian whispers, “I love you” and starts to grind his hips against him in a way that even
Kurt’s sleep fogged mind can’t ignore.
He lets himself ride the intermingled waves of sleep and pleasure, smiling into his pillow when Sebastian’s
hand finds his and tangles their fingers together. He’s rambling something against Kurt’s skin, probably
variations of how hot he thinks Kurt is and how much he loves him and though Kurt doesn’t register any of
them, he feels the warm glow seep into his bones with every vibration of the words against his body.
He doesn’t know who comes first, just that he does at some point, fingers tightening around Sebastian’s as
his toes curl and his body goes lax with pleasure. It’s not like the orgasms he’d given himself, it’s sweeter,
spreading through him slowly and making him sink further into the mattress.
“I love you,” Sebastian whispers when he collapses onto his back next to him. Kurt can’t be bothered by the
stickiness on the sheets, or by replying to Sebastian. He doesn’t have to. He musters up enough energy to
turn over and settle against Sebastian’s side, kissing whatever warm patch of skin his lips find before he
drifts off to sleep once more feeling sated and loved.
_
“Can you drink?” Sebastian asked over dinner two nights later. They were at the same hole in the wall
Italian place where they’d had dinner with Burt. Sebastian had met Kurt there straight from work and while
he didn't look as sharp as he did in the mornings, the sight of him with his collar button undone and tie
loose was a constant distraction for him. And for the teenage girl to their left if the blush on her cheeks
and the smitten glances she kept shooting Sebastian were any indication.
“Drink as in alcohol?” Kurt asked.
“What else?”
Kurt hadn’t felt the need to take his medication since he’d quit work. He spent most of his time wandering
around the city - there was still so much to see - until he settled down at Roasters with a sketchpad and let
his hand flow. He hadn’t made much progress, but it had been soothing to work without the pressure of
impressing anyone or meeting any deadlines. Even though his head was as clear as it was going to get what
with random memories jumping out at him at various points of the day, he wasn’t sure if alcohol would be
the best decision.
“I think it’s best if I didn’t,” he said after a moment. “Intoxication isn’t really going to help keep my head on
my shoulders.”
“Not even a little bit?”
“Why, are you in the mood to get drunk?” Kurt asked, with a small smile.
“Not drunk. Just. I’m in the mood to loosen up a bit, it’s Friday night.” He leaned back in his chair and
stretched slightly in a way that made the shirt he was wearing go taut around his shoulders in the most
delicious ways. “What’s the harm in one drink?”
Kurt was about to reply when he caught the girl staring at Sebastian with her lips parted and cheeks now a
flaming shade of red. It was then that he noticed Sebastian was flexing his arms a bit, smirking even though
his eyes were fixed on Kurt, patiently waiting for a reply. Kurt shook his head fondly as the girl turned away
to take hasty gulps of water.
“You knew she was staring at you,”
“I don’t know who you’re talking about.”
“Oh you know exactly who I’m talking about,” Kurt said with a grin. “That poor girl.”
“I’ll just gave her a month's worth of wet dreams.” Sebastian said with a smug smile. His face turned
serious and he sat up straight again, losing his interest in putting on a show. “So - where do we stand on
going to Jack's?”
“I have no problem with going,” Kurt said with a shrug. “I just don’t want to drink.”
“Fair enough,” Sebastian said with a sigh, motioning for the bill.
Kurt noticed the girl follow them when they stood up but he didn’t think much of it. Not until they were at
the door and she very purposefully walked straight into Sebastian’s back. “Oh, god sorry!” she said,
fumbling over her words when Sebastian turned to look at her. “I was texting my friend and I didn’t see...”
she trailed off at the grin Sebastian flashed her.
“It’s okay, sweetheart.”
“Be careful next time,” Kurt said to her when they stepped outside. “I had a friend who fell into a fountain
because she was texting while walking.”
The girl blinked, looking away from Sebastian to Kurt. “What?” she sounded annoyed at the interruption.
“I said you might want to be more careful next time,” Kurt said in a sharper tone, his previous amusement
at her crush dissipating at the glare she was giving him.
“Yeah whatever,” she muttered before giving Sebastian another quick smile and disappearing in the
opposite direction.
Kurt stared after her, shaking his head. “She did that on purpose.”
Sebastian ignored him and said, “Tell me more about this friend who fell into a fountain.”
“You don’t know?” Kurt asked with surprise. “It was Tina. Back in high school, I think she was shopping for
props or something at the mall.”
“And she just fell into a fountain while texting?”
“She wasn’t looking at where she was going. Tripped.”
“Oh, Tina Blowin Wang,” Sebastian said fondly, shaking his head. “I always did like her.”
It was only when they entered the bar that Kurt realized how easily the memory of Tina falling into the
fountain had come to him. He remembered nothing about what happened afterwards or when exactly in
high school this had happened but still, he’d remembered. And without actively trying to.
He felt giddy when he sat down on the stool next to Sebastian, so caught up with himself he didn’t notice
that Sebastian was sliding a glass over to him with a smirk on his face. “A Shirley temple with extra cherries
for Kurt.” Kurt looked from the drink to Sebastian’s face and shook his head as the memories of that night
at Scandals came back to him. They were clearer than anything else he was remembering lately, closer to
the time frame he’d woken up in and he was willing to bet anything Sebastian had ordered this drink on
purpose.
“Fuck you,” Kurt said, still grinning. “You were such a jerk.”
“And you were so freaking uptight,” Sebastian said, shaking his head as he picked up his own glass and
took a sip. “Thank god you’ve loosened up over the years.”
Though Kurt could recall similar nights where they had sat around at this very bar just drinking and talking
with each other or with a group of friends, it felt like a whole new experience all the same. He loved
watching the way Sebastian’s skin flushed as he got progressively drunker, how his whole body seemed to
relax and the way he leaned closer to Kurt’s side. It was when Sebastian almost slid off his stool from
laughing so hard that Kurt decided he’d had enough for one night.
“Okay,” he said, shaking his head at the bartender when Sebastian motioned for a refill. “That’s enough for
you.”
Sebastian looked like he was going to protest but halfway through narrowing his eyes at Kurt, his
expression changed. “I have to pee,” he said suddenly and got up. Kurt watched him make his way towards
the bathrooms with a laugh and pulled out his wallet.
“Your boyfriend?” The bartender asked. He was new Kurt noticed. Or maybe he wasn’t but judging by how
Kurt had recognized the rest of the staff, he had a feeling he was right.
“Husband,” he said as he placed the bills on the counter. The word sent liquidy warmth spreading through
him, right down to the tips of his toes. He was a bit surprised at how much he enjoyed saying it. His ring
seemed to flare with heat, making its presence felt on his finger. Kurt hadn’t removed it since the night
Sebastian had slid it on his finger.
The bartender smiled and scooped the bills up, moving down to serve another customer. Kurt leaned
forward on his stool, stirring the melting ice cubes in his glass as he waited for Sebastian to come back
from the bathroom.
“Can I buy you another drink, gorgeous?”
Kurt looked up in time to see a man sliding in to take Sebastian’s vacated stool. He was about Kurt’s height
with striking green eyes and stubble lining his face in a way that gave him a roguish charm. Definitely easy
on the eyes. “Thanks,” Kurt said with a smile. “But I’m married.”
The guy didn’t seem shaken by this information. If anything his grin grew wider, more confident. “That
didn’t stop you last time.”
Chapter 38
Kurt’s smile froze in place. “I’m - I’m sorry?”
The man grinned, leaning his elbow on the bar and propping his chin on his hand. “You look surprised to
see me.”
“Who are you?” Kurt asked, not even bothering with trying to remember himself. His mind was going into
overdrive like it often did when he was confronted with something particularly shocking from his past. He
was imagining a hundred different scenarios that would explain the identity of this person and his previous
statement. Maybe they had met on a night when Kurt had been pissed at Sebastian and let this guy buy
him drinks just to spite him. Maybe the drinks had led to a few too hot too close dances and some groping
and god - he hadn’t cheated. He wouldn’t have cheated.
Right?
The man’s grin wavered and a crease appeared between his eyebrows. “Um, Kurt,” he said, expression
flickering between amusement and confusion. “It’s Chandler.”
Nothing jumped out at him with the name like Kurt had expected but somewhere in his mind he knew this
Chandler - whoever he was - wasn’t a threat. Well, he wasn’t much of a threat because Kurt still felt
distinctly uncomfortable under his curious gaze but something was telling him he was harmless. He still
wished Sebastian would come back and help him out here, at least he’d feel a bit more at ease with him
nearby.
Chandler was now rubbing at the stubble on his chin with a self conscious expression, eyeing Kurt unsurely.
“I mean I know I haven’t shaved in a few days,” he said with a small, nervous laugh. “But come on sweetie,
you can’t forget me that easily.”
It was the endearment and the familiar, easy way it had been said that made Kurt stiffen even more. “How
do we know each other?” he asked sharply.
“Is this a joke? This is a joke, right?” Chandler said, looking around the bar like he was expecting a swarm of
people to jump out with cameras before turning back to Kurt. “Or have I just accidentally come across your
twin who just happens to be called Kurt?” When Kurt didn’t smile or reply, Chandler’s face became even
more distressed. “Okay maybe your drunk sweetie, or maybe you just think this is funny but you’re actually
scaring me Kurt -” Kurt remained silent, trying to place Chandlers name and face with the hazy images in
his head. It was apparently too much of a test on Chandler’s patience because he slid to his feet and said,
“I’m going to go okay?”
“That’s probably the best thing to do right now,” Kurt said, watching the way Chandler ran a hand through
his hair, messing it up and letting it flop onto his forehead. He looked like he wanted to say something but
he was staring at Kurt like he was going to explode any second. In the end, he just nodded, cast one last
wary look at Kurt and left, bumping into a young couple on his way out.
“Oh man,” a voice said from behind him.
Kurt spun his stool around to face Sebastian. “Where the hell were you?!” he demanded. “I was beginning
to think you’d drowned yourselves in the toilet.”
“I was enjoying the show,” Sebastian said, tugging on Kurt’s arm and pulling him to his feet. “His face -” he
gestured towards the door through which Chandler had just disappeared. “-was the most entertaining
thing I have seen all week.”
Kurt rolled his eyes as they stepped out but a second later, he found himself asking, “Wait so you know
him?”
“Everybody knows Chandler,” Sebastian said, wrapping an arm around Kurt’s waist and leaning on him.
“He’s annoying as fuck.”
“Who is he?”
“Some friend of yours, I don’t know. He’s crazy.”
“We’re friends?” Kurt asked, suddenly feeling guilty at the thought of the panicked look on Chandler’s face.
“I thought I’d cheated on you.”
“What, with Chandler?” Sebastian snorted and dissolved into laughter. “Oh god, baby you can do so much
better than him. Besides, it’s not me you cheated on.” Kurt wanted to ask him what he meant by that but
Sebastian leaned down to place a sloppy kiss on his cheek and Kurt’s train of thought was broken by a
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