“Do you want to talk about it?” Sebastian asks in a softer tone.
Kurt’s silent for a second, fingers tracing back and forth along the back of Sebastian’s hand. “Not right
now,” he says in a quiet voice. His face turns back so his nose is brushing Sebastian’s cheek and he breathes
in deeply, his body losing some of its tension. “Right now I just want you to hold me.”
_
Sebastian felt restless the whole day, desperate to get back to Kurt and talk to him. He skipped going to the
gym after work and headed straight back to the apartment, cursing every minute he got stuck in traffic.
When he finally made it through the front door, he found Kurt standing in the kitchen, his back turned to
Sebastian. There was a strong smell of chocolate in the air which made Sebastian stop in his tracks just to
inhale the warm, sweet scent.
Kurt hadn’t noticed him come him, the sound of his footsteps drowned out by the electric mixer he had
whirring. Sebastian made his way over to him but stopped in his tracks once again when he caught sight of
the cake on the kitchen island, raspberry filling oozing out slightly from the corners.
Sebastian smiled; chocolate raspberry cake was his favorite.
It was also Kurt’s go-to sorry cake. He made it when he knew he’d messed up and wanted to make amends
with more than just words. Usually, it led to an evening of lots of wine and lots of conversation where Kurt
grudgingly admitted he’d been an idiot and Sebastian agreed with him followed by lots of sex. It was one of
Kurt’s foolproof ways of gaining Sebastian’s forgiveness. Just looking at the cake right now made Sebastian
want to forget the crap of the past few days and call it even but he held himself back from marching up
and wrapping his arms around Kurt from behind. He had no idea if Kurt’s intentions were actually to
apologize or if he’d been just been in the mood to bake. Did he even know this cake was Sebastian’s
favorite?
The sound of the mixer cut off and Kurt turned around, licking a smudge of frosting from the tip of his
finger. He jumped a little when he saw Sebastian standing three steps away from him. “You’re not
supposed to be home for another two hours,” he said.
Sebastian shrugged. “I skipped going to the gym today.”
Kurt nodded slowly. “Oh,”
“Smells good,” Sebastian said, nodding towards the cake.
“Thanks it’s uh - it’s not finished yet. I still have to frost it.”
“I can see that.”
“It’s for you,” Kurt said almost shyly but his eyes were fixed squarely on Sebastian’s face.
Sebastian grinned. “I know.”
Kurt looked a little surprised, “You do?”
So Sebastian had been right - Kurt had no idea what the cake really meant, just like he had no idea what
smoking meant for Sebastian. Oddly enough, Sebastian found he didn’t mind Kurt’s lack of information
frustrating this time. It was actually kind of endearing.
“Why this cake?” he asked as Kurt picked up the bowl of icing and put it on the island.
“I had a feeling you’d like it,” Kurt said with a shrug.
Sebastian smirked as Kurt started to frost the cake. His subconscious knowledge of things was still just as
amusing as it had been before. Sebastian was hungry, and the sight and smell of the cake make his
stomach grumble weakly but there were more pressing matters at hand.
“I think you promised to tell me about all the shit that’s been going on with you lately,” he said.
“Let me finish frosting this,” Kurt said. “Go change your clothes and I’ll -”
“No,” Sebastian said, taking hold of Kurt’s wrist and turning him around. “I want to talk now.”
Kurt set down the knife in his hand and sighed, obviously sensing that Sebastian wasn’t going to let this go.
“Can we at least sit down first?”
Sebastian followed Kurt to the couch, swiping some dripping raspberry filling from the side of the cake as
he went and sucking the finger into his mouth. Kurt sat down, tucking his legs underneath him as Sebastian
shrugged off his jacket, undid his tie and popped open the first few buttons of his shirt. It was with the
intention to loosen up a bit but by the time he sat down, Kurt’s eyes were wide, lips shining as if he’d just
licked them.
For a moment, Sebastian thought Kurt was going to surge forward and kiss him again, the thought wasn’t
completely unwelcome but instead, Kurt said. “I quit.”
Sebastian blinked a couple of times. “What?”
“Nicole was in her office today and I went inside and told her I was quitting my job.”
“Wait, wait - why the hell would you quit your job?”
Kurt sighed, tearing his eyes away from Sebastian’s face to look out the window. “Because no company is
going to wait months for an employee to pull himself together,” his voice cracked a little towards the end
despite his attempt to sound strong and Sebastian shifted closer on instinct.
“You could have gone back whenever you were ready, you didn’t have to quit,” Sebastian said
incredulously.
Kurt shook his head. “It’s not fair to block this job from other people who deserve it and who can do it
better than I can right now.”
Sebastian stared at him at a loss for words. On one hand he was relieved that the madness of the last three
weeks would come to an end but at the same time, he could see how the decision had affected Kurt and
this wasn’t what Sebastian had wanted at all. He’d wanted Kurt to take things easy, not completely give up
a job he loved. Before he could say anything, Kurt took his hand and twined their fingers together.
“You were right,” he said. “I have been pushing myself too hard. I was working day and night and barely
thought about anything other than the color palette for the clothes I was studying but - I needed the
distraction. These past few weeks have been way too confusing and if I had just sat down and let myself
get caught up in all these random bursts of emotion, I would have cracked.”
“You could have talked to me,” Sebastian said for what felt like the hundredth time. “No matter how hard
it was, I would have tried to help.”
“I thought about it,” Kurt said in a low voice. “But when you started to ignore me, I couldn’t help thinking
that you’d given up.”
“Given up on you?” Sebastian asked incredulously.
Kurt nodded. “That you’d thought I wasn’t worth putting the effort in anymore.”
“Are you crazy?” Sebastian asked, shaking his head. “I was mad at you. I kept putting in all this effort and
you did nothing in return. I wasn’t giving up, I was fighting. I wanted you to fucking notice that I wasn’t the
same -”
“I did,” Kurt said. “But I just -” he dropped his head into his hands and took a deep breath. “I finally started
remembering stuff about you again but most of it was horrible. It was hard to not get mad at you when
your voice in my head would constantly be criticizing and making fun of my designs and the actual you
would keep telling me to stop working because it was of no use. It made me want to punch you,” he looked
up at Sebastian and shook his head. “You have no idea,” he said, sounding tired. “The memories come so
suddenly and they’re impossible to stop and I get everything mixed up. You’ve seen me when I have my
flashbacks - it’s intense. Logically, I’d know that you’ve grown from the guy who spilt Coke on my sketches
because he was annoyed I wouldn’t go dancing with him but I still wouldn’t want to be around you but it
still made me angry.”
“Why do you always remember us fighting?” Sebastian groaned, leaning his head back and staring at the
ceiling.
“Well we seem to do that a lot. Fight, I mean.”
Sebastian tilted his head to look at Kurt and found him smiling a little. There was something about Kurt
right now that made him appear more - real than he had in a long time. Maybe it was the knowing glint in
his eyes as he remembered the countless times they’d started bickering over nothing just for the sake of it.
Maybe it was just the fact that they were having an actual conversation after so long.
“So basically, you locked yourself away because you were mad at a younger version of me,” Sebastian said
lightly.
“Most of the time, yes.”
“What about the other times?”
“I have a life outside of you too, you know.” Kurt said but his words were soft, pleading for Sebastian to
not take them the wrong way. “There were other things that I needed to come to terms with. Things about
myself and -” his thumb started to swipe back and forth along the inside of Sebastian’s wrist as if he was
suddenly nervous. “Sometimes I just needed to be left alone.”
“You’d cry,” Sebastian said, not missing the surprise and panic on Kurt’s face. “At night, when you thought I
was asleep.”
“I -” Sebastian waited for him to say something more but Kurt only bit his lips and continued to look torn
between something.
“Kurt if we’re being honest with each other, might as well do it properly.”
“I don’t want you to make you upset,” Kurt said quietly.
“You won’t.”
Kurt regarded him for a long moment before he took a deep breath and said, “I’ve been remembering
Blaine.”
Sebastian had no clue why the words surprised him so much. Blaine had been a part of Kurt’s life - a big
part - of course Kurt was going to remember him eventually. But the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind
every time he’d seen Kurt sitting with his expression far away. He’d never guessed that of all the things
Kurt could be thinking about, he’d be thinking of Blaine.
“What about Blaine?” he asked calmly.
“Fighting with him, singing with him, flying out to New York to surprise him on Valentine’s Day his
freshmen year - the most random things.” Kurt wasn’t looking at Sebastian, staring instead at a spot on the
opposite wall. Sebastian didn’t know what to say. “It started the night after I watched our wedding video -
the one he narrated.” Kurt continued. “I guess it unlocked all those fantasies in the back of my head where
I’d dreamed of getting married to him.” His eyes flickered up to look at Sebastian quickly, gauging his
response. “Sorry,” he said quickly, turning away. “I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. It’s just - it’s
complicated. I’d remember things about him and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t remember you. And
when I finally started to, it was stuff that made me want to hate you. It didn’t help that you weren’t talking
to me anymore and so every time I remembered Blaine I kind of slipped more and more into that frame of
mind.”
The laundry room suddenly made sense - how Kurt had thrown himself at Sebastian, I love you. Remember
that - and then this morning. I need you to keep me in the moment. He’d been trying to pull himself out of
that mindset, trying not to let himself get sucked into his memories and Sebastian hadn’t been helping. To
be fair, Kurt hadn’t been trying very hard either but Sebastian couldn’t help feeling like there was more he
could have done himself without needing Kurt to tell him. He’d been too caught up in his own pain and
over thinking things to read what Kurt needed. Maybe they’d both been silently screaming at each other
this whole time.
“I loved him,” Kurt said in a low whisper. “And remembering all those things about us - it was like falling in
love again and losing it all over.” Kurt finally raised his eyes to look at him and when his thumb moved over
Sebastian’s knuckle, he suddenly became aware of how their hands were still connected. “Sebastian, you
had every right to be mad at me -” and that’s exactly what Sebastian has been saying to himself all this
time - that he had the right to ignore Kurt just as hard as Kurt was ignoring him, that he could act cold and
indifferent and it wouldn’t matter because Kurt was doing the same thing with him. But looking at Kurt
now, Sebastian felt nothing but a hot throb of guilt at his actions.
“Kurt -” he started but Kurt cut him off quickly.
“No, please let me finish.” he said. “I don’t blame you for being mad. Maybe if I’d told you why I was acting
the way I was sooner you would’ve understood but like I said before, it’s hard to put all of this into words
sometimes.” Kurt shifted so his knees were brushing the top of Sebastian’s thigh. “I was insensitive, I’m
sorry. But I wasn’t lying when I said that I love you. It’s the only thing I’ve ever been sure of. Even when I
hated you at the beginning, I knew if there was one thing I could trust it was how much I must have loved
you to choose this life with you and that’s what’s been getting me through. I kept trusting that I could mess
up but you’d still love me.”
“I will,” Sebastian said, his voice suddenly hoarse. “I always have.”
Kurt looked down at their hands again. “Remember what I said about you being the one who keeps me
from losing my mind?” he looked up just in time to see Sebastian’s affirming nod. “This morning, it was like
being close to you made everything else go quiet. And all I could feel or hear was you. I wish I’d reached
out to you to you sooner,” he ducked his head again, smiling as he shook his head. “Would’ve made staying
grounded in reality so much easier.”
Sebastian pulled his hand free of Kurt’s grip and reached out to cup his face, pulling him in so he could
bring their mouths together. Kurt exhaled slowly through his nose, hand fisting in the collar of Sebastian’s
shirt as he shifted to settle in his lap.
Sebastian felt oddly...numb. Like his brain was refusing to fully process everything Kurt had said in the last
few minutes. He didn’t feel anything when he thought of how Kurt must have woken up countless nights
expecting to see Blaine next to him and feeling disappointed when he saw Sebastian instead. He didn’t
want to think about that.
But there was still a nagging insecurity in the back of his mind, quiet under the wet sound of their lips
meeting again and again and the soft nosies falling from Kurt’s lips every few seconds but definitely there.
An insecurity that had been rooted in him since Kurt asked for Blaine after waking up.
It was that insecurity that made Sebastian break their kiss, look Kurt in the eyes and ask, “Do you trust
me?”
Kurt looked a little dazed, breathing heavily as he stared down at Sebastian. “What? Yes, of course.”
Sebastian slipped his hand beneath the hem of Kurt’s shirt, sliding his palm up his spine again as he leaned
in to kiss the curve of Kurt’s neck. He could see the confusion on Kurt’s face give way to understanding as
Sebastian’s palm slid higher just like that morning, bunching Kurt’s t-shirt in the process. Sebastian wasn’t
going to ask him if he was okay with this, he trusted Kurt to tell him if he wasn’t. So when Kurt didn’t say
anything, Sebastian took that as permission to tug the shirt over his head and toss it aside.
Pale, creamy skin - so, so familiar. Sebastian barely had time to run his hand along the front of Kurt’s chest
before Kurt was leaning back in, eyes locked on Sebastian’s as his hands slipped down to work at the
buttons of his shirt. They kissed again and it felt different. It felt - why did the world real keep coming back
to Sebastian’s head? He hated it. It was like his brain was saying everything with Kurt before this hadn’t
been real but there was just something about the way Kurt was touching him, his hand brushing the skin
along the waistband of his pants as he tugged Sebastian’s shirt free - sure and steady instead of hesitant
like it probably should have been that made Sebastian feel like none of this felt new to Kurt.
Kurt pushed Sebastian’s shirt off his shoulders hastily, letting it catch at his elbows. Sebastian was about to
shake it off the rest of the way when Kurt broke his mouth away from Sebastian’s and bent to press his lips
to Sebastian’s right shoulder cap. It was that press of wet lips against his skin that made the word real
suddenly make sense.
This gesture was something only his Kurt ever did and judging by the look on Kurt’s face when Sebastian
tilted his head to look at him, it wasn’t just a coincidental kiss. The tip of Kurt’s nose was distinctly red like
he got when he was about to cry. Sebastian touched his cheek, aiming to angle his face so he could kiss
him but Kurt only opened his mouth and pressed it firmer against Sebastian’s skin.
“Kurt,” Sebastian said softly. Kurt kept his eyes closed as he kissed a path up along Sebastian’s neck to the
back of his ear where he kissed the single freckle tucked behind the lobe. Another favorite spot of Kurt’s.
One which he spent hours of the early morning devoted to kissing and licking. “Kurt.” Sebastian said again,
gently pulling Kurt away from him to look at him. Kurt’s eyes were damp, his whole face flushed pink and
Sebastian forgot what he was about to say. He ended up kissing Kurt slow and deep, cupping his jaw and
sliding his tongue into his mouth where the lingering taste of cream cheese frosting on Kurt’s tongue mixed
with the raspberry filling on his own and it was perfect, in more ways than one.
“Oh god,” Kurt said when they broke apart, lips stretching into a smile as he dropped his forehead against
Sebastian’s. “I just realized what the cake meas.”
Sebastian grinned and pecked Kurt on the lips. “It means the best things.”
Kurt shook his head, still smiling but he started to stand up. Sebastian felt his heart sink, disappointment
and hurt settling in the pit of his stomach but it only lasted until Kurt held out his hand to him and smiled
reassuringly. Sebastian breathed a sigh of relief and took his hand, dragging himself off the couch, shirt
falling off completely in the process.
The walk to the bedroom seemed to take forever. Sebastian wasn’t even aware his feet were moving at all.
His eyes were fixed on Kurt’s naked back, the feeling of his hand encasing Sebastian’s. Once they were in
the bedroom, Kurt pushed Sebastian onto the bed and climbed on top of him, bare chests pressing
together. Sebastian’s head spun a little at the weight of him, familiar and comforting and everything he’d
been craving.
Kurt seemed sure of everything he was doing, from the way he was slowly thrusting his tongue in and out
of Sebastian’s mouth to the way his hands started to work on the button of his pants. Confident, easy
movements - practiced, familiar. His hand slipped past the waistband to brush over the line of his cock
through his underwear and Sebastian’s whole body arched with the touch. Kurt smiled, holding Sebastian
down with a palm pressed flat to his chest as his hand moulded to the shape of him. His eyes closed,
breathing slowing down to long, even inhales and exhales as if he was soaking in the moment. Sebastian
wanted to know what he was thinking so badly.
“Look at me,” he said and Kurt opened his eyes immediately, staring down at Sebastian like he was seeing
him for the first time in ages. For a second they just stared at each other until Kurt squeezed his hand and
Sebastian jerked, leg kicking out underneath Kurt and teeth sinking into his bottom lip at how fucking good
it felt.
Kurt’s expression changed, a slow smirk spreading across his lips. “I hope you’re going to last until we both
have our pants off,” he said.
“Shut up,” Sebastian said as Kurt peeled his pants down and discarded them. “It’s been fucking forever and
I you have no idea how much I need you right now.”
“I think I do,” Kurt said, fingers dancing along the length of Sebastian’s erection through his boxers.
Sebastian rolled them over, Kurt’s hand flying up to grip his shoulders as his back hit the mattress before
Sebastian slanted their mouths together. Kurt hummed as Sebastian tore his mouth away and started to
kiss his way down his chest, movements gaining urgency with every salty slick press of lips against Kurt’s
skin. The taste of him was addictive and Sebastian lapped it up like it was a drug.
Kurt’s hand threaded through his hair, the flush on his cheeks spreading down his neck and torso as
Sebastian continued to kiss lower. When he pressed his mouth against Kurt through his underwear, Kurt
gasped, fingers tightening in Sebastian’s hair. Sebastian tugged his boxers down hastily, not even getting
them past Kurt’s knees before he ducked in and licked a thick stripe up the underside of Kurt’s cock.
“Oh my god,” Kurt gasped above him.
The weight of Kurt in his mouth felt perfect, an ache finally being relieved. Sebastian closed his lips around
the head, sucking with gentle pressure and tonguing beneath the ridge just like he knew Kurt liked.
“Sebastian,” Kurt said, tugging at his hair. “Seb.”
Sebastian felt a fresh wave of affection at the nickname. He pulled back, licking his lips before he dragged
them down the side of Kurt’s cock, turning his face to kiss that tender spot on the inside of his thigh. Kurt
sighed above him, fingers flexing in Sebastian’s hair as he sunk his mouth down him again.
“No, wait -” he breathed, tugging at Sebastian’s hair until he looked up at him. “It’s not enough.” Which
Sebastian found a little offending because he had Kurt as deep as he could possibly get. Kurt laughed when
he saw Sebastian’s expression and dragged him back up so their bodies were pressed together from the
chest down. “I want you closer, idiot.” he said, craning his neck up to kiss him. The tips of his fingers
slipped beneath Sebastian’s boxers, brushing over the top of his ass in a teasing drag. Sebastian pressed
back into the touch, sparks of electricity lighting up his veins.
Kurt pushed the offending item away, kicking his own underwear off completely in the process and
wrapping his legs around Sebastian’s waist. Their cocks slid together, slicked by precome and sweat and -
“Oh,” Sebastian moaned, “Oh fuck.” Both of Kurt’s hand came up to cup Sebastian’s jaw, and he was still
grinning when their mouths met. The kiss was sloppy this time, overpowered by the growing, needy heat
pooling at the base of both their spines.
Sebastian snaked a hand beneath Kurt’s neck, lifting his head up slightly so he could kiss him deeper just as
Kurt reached between their bodies to wrap a hand around both of them. His grip was loose but so, so
perfect and it was all Sebastian could do to not thrust into the circle of his fist and come from the drag of
their cocks and the heat of his hand alone.
Kurt eased them into a rhythm, guiding their movements with rolls of his hips. Sebastian went with it,
feeling helpless to do anything but follow Kurt’s lead. He didn’t care how he got off, just that it was with
Kurt and they were so close and damn it, he’d missed this closeness so much. He wasn’t aware he’d been
mouthing along the side of Kurt’s neck until Kurt squirmed beneath him and oh that did wonderful things
for their cocks.
“Stop licking my neck,” he said, sounding amused.
Sebastian didn’t move away. “I’ve fucking missed you okay.”
“I think your sentence order is-mm-a bit wrong.” Kurt said, rolling his hips harder, faster. “Isn’t it supposed
to be you missed fucking me?
Sebastian did pull back at that, staring down at Kurt’s face with surprise. Kurt looked relaxed and amused
even if his whole face was flushed and sweat was beading on his forehead. For a moment it was easy to
forget there was anything different about him. He was staring at Sebastian with the same mixture of love
and lust he always did, a glint of playfulness in his eyes.
“Kurt,” Sebastian said in a strained voice, his balls tightening with every thrust. “Fuck. I love you.” I’ve
missed you, I’ve missed this.
Kurt brought his free hand to cup the back of Sebastian’s head and he pulled him down into another sweet
kiss. Sebastian came a few seconds later, jaw going slack and body shuddering as he spilled white streaks
onto Kurt's stomach. He felt a burst of irritation when he realized Kurt was still hard and aching between
them. This was supposed to have been about Kurt - making him feel good, not getting caught up with what
he’d wanted for himself.
Limbs feeling too heavy, Sebastian pushed Kurt’s hand away and replaced it with his own. He smeared his
thumb along the head of Kurt's cock, sticky with his own come before moving his hand in a perfect down-
up stroke. It took only a few similar strokes until Kurt’s neck stretched back and he came with a quiet sigh,
hands grappling at Sebastian’s forearms.
Sebastian wiped his hand on the sheets as Kurt came down from his high, settling on his side beside him
and pushing back a few strands of sweaty hair on his forehead.
Kurt smiled up at him, eyelids drooping slightly. “Sebastian,” he said softly, almost another sigh.
“Kurt,” Sebastian said in reply, a smile tugging at the corners of his own mouth.
“You look - clearer.”
“And you sound drunk,” Sebastian teased, not allowing himself to get his hopes up too much over thinking
of what Kurt’s words meant. Over thinking hadn’t done much for him lately.
“I love you,” Kurt said, cupping Sebastian’s face and stroking a thumb down his cheek.
“I love you too,”
“I love you more than anyone.”
“I know,” Sebastian said with a grin that was more smug than it should have been.
“Thank you for putting up with me for so long,” Kurt said quietly as Sebastian kissed his temple.
There was so much Sebastian wanted to say in reply but it was easier to lean down and kiss Kurt instead.
Their kiss was drenched with post orgasmic laziness but Sebastian still pressed into it, grateful, sated and
so unbearably happy.
I'll stay with you forever.
Chapter 37
Kurt’s dreams that night consisted of wet mouths and hot bodies pressing, grinding and sliding together.
He felt like he was losing his mind. Every time he’d get close to the edge, Sebastian would back off with his
patented smirk, slipping away into the foggy haze and leaving Kurt a helpless, frustrated mess.
He skipped from one setting to another. One moment, he’d feel how he was tied down, the silk scarves
digging into his wrists as he tugged at them, Sebastian’s mouth around him, sending shivers through his
spine and the next second, he’d be in a familiar club, lights dancing off faceless bodies as he pressed
Sebastian against a wall in a darkened corner and kissed him until he couldn’t breathe. Then there was the
image of Sebastian tied to the bed, staring up at Kurt with lust clouded eyes, lips swollen and chest heaving
as Kurt rode him with slow, deliberate rolls of his hips.
Kurt wasn’t sure how it was possible to jump so quickly through fantasies yet still feel like every single one
of them lasted forever. It was delicious torture. Right up until the moment he found himself in a familiar
but unrecognizable room with the uncomfortable feeling that something was wrong. It took him a while to
figure out that the problem lay in the fact that the body he was curled around and thrusting in rhythm with
was too small, hair too curly, skin too tan. Realization washed over him like a wave and the surroundings
suddenly become clearer - a cramped dorm room littered with hastily discarded clothes, a stuffed bear
clutching a heart lying amidst a pile of jeans - and Blaine. Face down on the mattress, moaning softly, warm
and pliant.
“Kurt - fuck. Right there -“ Kurt stopped moving, his head spinning and body burning with heat, desire,
guilt. Blaine turned his head back to look at him with a confused frown. “Why the hell are you stopping?”
Kurt couldn’t form a reply. He tried to pull out, move away but Blaine rolled his hips up insistently, burying
Kurt deeper inside of him.
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