up and said he was going to go get some muffins because he was hungry. Blaine got up to follow him,
probably looking for the chance to catch him alone but Burt said he was starving too and headed over to
the table without a second’s notice leaving Nicole and Kurt sitting in the drawing room. Kurt was almost
embarrassed at his dad’s behavior but when he realized his lack of formality wasn’t because of ignored
manners but because a sense of familiarity with Nicole, he felt a warmth bloom in his stomach.
That was until he joined him in the dining room to see Sebastian glaring at him from the corner. Kurt did
his best to ignore him once again and if he took a seat beside Blaine just to spite him, he didn’t think twice
about it. After everything Sebastian had said to him this morning, Kurt would annoy him as much as he
wanted, thank you very much.
“So, Kurt. What are your plans now?” Nicole asked as they started to eat. “I don’t mean to frighten you
into thinking I’ll fire you, but how do you plan on coming back to work?”
“I haven’t really thought of it.” Kurt said. “My doctor’s told me not to stress myself too much but I don’t
think sitting around the apartment all day is going to do much for me either especially since Sebastian
starts work again tomorrow.”
Next to him, Blaine leaned towards Sebastian who was sitting across from him and asked, “Are you still
working on the Trinity case?”
Sebastian ignored him and continued to smash his fork into his strata. Not missing this, Nicole leaned over
and laid a hand over his. “You haven’t touched your food, sweetie.”
“I’m not really hungry.” Sebastian said. He looked up, eyes finding Kurt’s and staring at him with an
unreadable expression.
“Sweetheart is everything okay? You look -”
Sebastian stood up so fast he knocked over his glass of grapefruit juice, sending it spilling onto Burt’s plate
and dribbling down onto his slacks. “Stop fucking asking me if everything is okay! It’s not, alright? You
know it’s not and he knows it not!” he nodded towards Kurt who was staring at Sebastian with just as
much shock as the rest of them. “Fuck this, just – fuck it. Fuck everything!” Sebastian threw his hands up
and left the dining room in a rush, almost sending Moira tumbling over her feet on his way.
Silence hung heavy in the room after him, Kurt staring at his plate with clenched teeth and Nicole shaking
her head slowly as if refusing to believe her son had just swore at her face. “He hasn’t snapped like that
since his father passed away,” she said in a shaky voice. "Even with the accident he'd been so collected..."
she trailed off, shaking her head again.
“I felt something was up with him in the car,” Burt said and Kurt could feel everyone’s gaze on him now.
“What’s going on?”
Kurt didn’t like the fact that everything was coming out into the open like this. This wasn’t how the brunch
was supposed to go. Sebastian couldn’t just storm out and leave him to deal with their families questions.
“We had a disagreement,” he said as steadily as he could, still avoiding making eye contact with anyone.
“He’s just making a big deal out of it.”
It was far, far from the truth. He wanted to shout everything he had been feeling ever since their fight but
he figured there was enough tension in the air as it was. Nicole stood up, setting her napkin down beside
her plate. “I’m going to go check on him.”
After she left, Kurt let his shoulders slump and dropped his head into his hands.
“Kurt?” his dad asked in a softer voice.
“Not right now, dad. Please.”
“Is this about me?” Blaine asked quietly from beside him. “I knew it. I shouldn’t have come but Sebastian -
”
“No, it’s not about you.” Kurt said, shaking his head. “I really don’t want to talk about this. It’s kind of
private.”
Burt pressed his lips together and nodded but Blaine stood up. “I’m gonna go,” he said. “Tell Nicole I’m
sorry but the food was lovely.”
“No!” Kurt said, grabbing his hand and pulling him back down. “No one else is leaving me to deal with their
mess. There’s enough as it is. I’m going to go find them and we’ll – we’ll sort this out.”
He stood up, his legs feeling unsteady but he managed to not stumble as he made his way out of the room.
His feet seemed to lead him up the stairs of their own accord and when Kurt got close enough to the door
at the far end of the hall, he managed to make out the sound of Sebastian’s voice, shaking with emotion as
he talked.
“ – horrible, Maman. You don’t know what I said to him - you don’t – you weren’t there.”
“Sssshhh, my child.”
“If I keep messing up like this – he’s not going to stick around. Not like before.”
Kurt froze outside the door, blocked from the view of the mother and son standing near the window but
he could still make out how Nicole had her arms around Sebastian and was stroking a hand up and down
his back.
“He doesn’t even remember Dad.” It was said in a pained whisper, as if of all the things Kurt didn’t
remember, this was the most painful for him.
Tears were sliding down Kurt’s cheeks and he didn’t realize this until he blinked and his eyelashes came up
with drops clinging to the edges. He felt angry at himself for crying, he shouldn’t be – not after that
morning, not after how Sebastian had yelled at him. But he couldn’t stop the feeble ache in his chest at the
utter pain in Sebastian’s voice.
“I want him back,” Sebastian said, his voice hoarse. “I want him back, Maman.”
“He can’t be gone, Kurt. He can’t. It’s too soon. People don’t die like this. It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair.”
Kurt cradles Sebastian’s head against his chest and strokes a hand through his messy hair. There’s nothing
he can say right now that is going to make Sebastian feel better so he does the only thing he can and holds
him close, lets him feel the proof of Kurt’s beating heart in a silent promise of ‘I’m still here. You still have
me.’
“I want him back,” is the angry whisper that finally breaks the silence. “They can’t take him from me – I
want him back!” the last part is almost a roar, ripping through the quiet apartment and it takes both of
Kurt’s hands to hold Sebastian down and keep him from standing up. Sebastian loses the fight in him within
seconds and slumps right back against Kurt’s chest, wrapping his arms around his middle like a child
clinging on for dear life.
Kurt’s quiet once again, doing nothing but holding his husband close while he cries. Once his sobs die down
and the grip on Kurt’s shirt relaxes a little, Kurt leans down and kisses Sebastian’s forehead, bringing one
had to rest on the side of his face, thumb stroking along his temple.
“I love you,” he says and he knows that it means so much more than all of the “‘I’m sorry for your loss”s
that Sebastian’s had to endure all day long because Sebastain doesn’t say 'I love you too', he doesn’t need
to.
What he does is lean in further in the circle of Kurt’s arms and take a shaky breath, breathing a “thank you”
somewhere in between.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for loving me.
Kurt had to lean on the wall for support after how suddenly the memory hit him. It fizzled out into
fragments of him stripping Sebastian down to his underwear and crawling under the covers with him,
waking up some point in the night to Sebastian sobbing beside him only to pull him against his chest again -
It took a few seconds for his head to stop throbbing but when he finally felt steady enough, he
straightened up and pushed open the door and walked into the bedroom. Sebastian and Nicole looked up,
no longer embracing now. Kurt had his gaze trained on Sebastian's face but when Nicole stepped forward,
he looked at her and asked, “Can I have a few minutes alone with him, please?”
Nicole gave a curt nod and slipped quietly from the room, shutting the door behind her. Sebastian was
staring at Kurt, all the hardness from before drained from his face. His eyes were rimmed red and his lips
were wet from – had he just licked his tears? Something told Kurt he had.
For a moment, neither of them said anything until they both spoke at the same time.
“Kurt I -”
“Look, it’s not -”
They stopped mid sentence until Sebastian said, “I’ll go first.” Kurt stepped closer and nodded for him to
continue. “I’m so fucking sorry,” Sebastian said in a rush of breath. “For everything I said this morning, for
how I’ve been acting. I wasn’t thinking straight and you have every right to be mad. I can’t believe half the
things I said. It was just - Blaine and you and after we kissed last night, I expected things to go back to
normal but I know that’s not how it works but -”
“I’m not pushing you away,” Kurt said, cutting him off. He reached out to take Sebastian’s hand in his. “I
promise. It’s just -” he hesitated, staring at Sebastian as he tried to think of how to explain everything. “My
emotions are all over the place after a flashback and I’m scared if I give in to them and do something too
much, too soon – it’ll make everything worse. That this -” he squeezed Sebastian’s hand, bringing it up to
hold it against his heart. “ – won’t be sincere but just something I’m doing blindly. I told you I can feel how
important this relationship is to me, I want to make sure I’m not going to mess it up.”
Sebastian leaned down to press their foreheads together. “I’m so fucking sorry, Kurt.” he whispered.
Kurt smiled, “I would have said some equally nasty things had my tongue worked properly so I guess we’re
even?”
Sebastian pulled his hand free of Kurt’s only to wrap it around him instead, drawing Kurt against his body.
His fingers slipped into Kurt’s hair as Kurt hooked his chin over his shoulder and the two of them stood
there, swaying on the spot to a silent tune for long, quiet minutes until Kurt said, “I remembered
something just now.”
“About me?”
“Us.” Kurt said, turning his head to press his cheek against the cotton of Sebastian’s shirt. “I think it was
after your father’s funeral. We were in our bedroom, I was holding you.”
Sebastian didn’t say anything, Kurt knew he was thinking back to the painful memory and he suddenly felt
sorry for bringing it up. He brushed a kiss along Sebastian’s jaw before, sliding his hands up to wrap around
his neck and pull him even closer.
“Thank you,” he whispered and he knew from the way Sebastian’s grip tightened around him that he knew
everything the words implied.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for loving me.
Chapter 32
When they re-entered the dining room, Burt, Blaine and Nicole were all in the middle of a hushed
conversation. Their voices cut off abruptly when Kurt and Sebastian walked in, three pairs of eyes turning
to look at them with burning curiosity as they took their seats opposite each other.
“Don’t pretend like the three of you weren’t just talking about us,” Sebastian said as he picked up his
napkin and spread it on his lap. He turned to Burt, looking genuinely apologetic and a little embarrassed.
“I’m sorry about the juice.”
Burt smiled at him. “Don’t worry about it, kid. These jeans aren’t anything fancy.”
“Have you worked things out?” Nicole asked gently.
Sebastian glanced up at Kurt and gave him a small grin. “Yeah, pretty much.”
“Good,” she said and then proceeded to smack the back of Sebastian’s head with a folded napkin.
Sebastian looked scandalized and even though there was no possible way the blow could have hurt, he
raised his hand to rub gingerly at the back of his head.
“Maman!”
“If I ever see you behaving like that at the table again, you will have hell to pay. Compris?”
Sebastian nodded, looking every bit the scolded child. Kurt stifled a laugh behind his hand and caught Burt
and Blaine doing the same next to him. For a second, he felt bad because there were few things more
humiliating than getting told off by a parent in company and laughing would not help matters but the
scowl on Sebastian’s face didn’t seem as angry or upset as it did annoyed.
Nicole’s stern expression soon melted into a fond smile and she reached out to caress the spot on
Sebastian’s head where the napkin had hit him moments ago. “My grumpy little baby,” she said in French.
Sebastian rolled his eyes and reached for a crepe.
“Kurt have you tried these cheese blitzes?” Nicole asked. “They’re your favorite.”
There was a renewed energy to the room when conversation started up again this time round. Sebastian
and Blaine were talking for one, discussing the infamous Trinity Case with Burt adding his own thoughts in
at random intervals and Nicole was telling Kurt stories about previous brunches and dinners where
someone or the other had managed to create some sort of havoc.
“We like to keep things interesting around here. I can’t tell you the number of times Christopher would
bring up a touchy topic just to get things heated. He loved getting a good debate going, must have been
the lawyer in him.” Her smile was full of nostalgia - and when her gaze flickered up to stare at the vacant
chair at the other end of the table – longing.
Kurt could tell Christopher Smythe had been a loved man but he didn’t feel comfortable asking more about
him. After everything that had happened that morning, he felt hyperaware of how his lack of knowledge
about things he’d previously known intimately could hurt others without his knowing.
Nicole seemed to notice the way he shifted uncomfortably in his chair because she said, “It’s okay honey. I
don’t expect you to remember anything.”
Kurt gave her a grateful smile. “I remember bits and pieces,” he said in between sips of cool water. “But
mostly, it’s stuff about me and Sebastian, not so much everybody else.”
“Well I’m not surprised,” Nicole said with a smile that had just a little teasing edge to it. “It’s always been
about you and Sebastian, not so much everybody else.”
“It’s probably because I spend more time with him,” Kurt said quickly. “And most of the memories in our
apartment are of us so -”
“Kurt,” Nicole laid a hand over his, cutting him off. “You don’t have to justify yourself.”
"I really wish I remembered more sometimes," he admitted. "It would make things a lot less awkward."
"There's no need to feel awkward around me, honey. We're family."
Kurt felt an immense flood of warmth and gratitude for this woman. The conversation between them
flowed easily after that, ranging from memories to upcoming fashion trends to how Paris looked at this
time of year. By the time they moved from the table back to the sitting room, all five of them were
laughing and cutting each other off in order to talk first.
Nicole pressed a package of leftovers into Sebastian's hand when they started to leave. "Here you are
darling," she said, kissing his cheek. Judging by the way Sebastian accepted it without protest and a simple
'thank you' made him think it was something she always did after brunches. He wasn't complaining, it
would be great to get back to the delicious cheddar apple bundles later on.
Kurt caught Sebastian and Blaine talking off to the side while he said his own goodbye's and thank you's to
Nicole. The two boys seemed to be talking things through because in the end, Blaine reached up and threw
his arms around Sebastian in a tight hug in response to which Sebastian laughed and said something in
Blaine's ear. The sight made Kurt feel a sense of relief because the last thing he wanted was for the little
feud between Blaine and Sebastian to continue.
"You two made up?" he asked as they bucked their seat belts in the car a few minutes later.
"Figured it was time," Sebastian said with a grin.
_
They went back to the apartment after dropping Burt off to his hotel in order to put the food in the fridge
and freshen up before they left for their date.
“Where are we going anyway?” Kurt asked once Sebastian came out of the bathroom, his button up
swapped for a boring dark blue t-shirt. When he sat down next to Kurt and propped an elbow on the back
of the couch, the muscles popped out under his sleeve, the cotton hugging his skin in the most delicious
ways possible. Kurt’s eyes were drawn to the tight bulge and okay, not so boring then. A rush of images
and sounds came back to him, he recognized them as snippets of the memory he had of the night he’d
blown Sebastian on this very couch. It made heat tug at him somewhere low in his belly but he pulled
himself together, focusing at the Sebastian who was currently sitting in front of him rather than the
Sebastian who had been thrusting up into Kurt’s mouth at his own insistence.
“Hmm?” he asked distractedly when he realized Sebastian was saying something.
“You asked where we’re going - there’s something we do after every time we have Sunday brunch with
Maman -”
“We’re not having sex,” Kurt said immediately.
Sebastian was silent for a single stunned second before he burst out laughing. Kurt felt his cheeks grow a
little warm in a way that had nothing to do with the vivid memory from before but Sebastian was
stretching out the arm he had resting on the back of the couch to wrap a hand around the back of Kurt’s
neck and stroke softly there. “Well that’s a shame,” he said. “But sex usually isn’t on the agenda until later.
There’s something else we do first.”
“What?”
Sebastian shook his head. “Guess.”
Kurt frowned. “How am I supposed to know?”
“Because it’s something we do a lot and your memory has been good lately. Just give it a push. Try.”
Kurt had no clue where to start. “Give me something to go on at least.”
“It’s under open air.”
“That’s not helpful at all.”
“Well it’s all you’re getting. Kurt, come on.” Sebastian looked serious as he shifted closer, curving a leg up
so his knee rested over Kurt’s thigh. “Give it a shot. It’s something we do after ever brunch, under open air
and here’s something else – we say it’s so we can burn off the calories we’ve consumed but mostly we just
like the time it gives us to be together and talk without the interruption of a movie or the urge to fuck
conversation and just - well, fuck.”
The only thing that came to Kurt’s mind was a tree which at the moment, seemed bizarre but then it hit
him as gently as a passing breeze, so unlike the sudden jolts of memory he’d been experiencing lately.
“Central park,” he said, heart skipping a beat when Sebastian’s face lit up. “We take a walk in Central
Park.”
“Yes,” Sebastian said with a breathless laugh. His hand slid up from Kurt’s neck into his hair. “See? You did
it, baby.”
Kurt placed his hand on Sebastian’s waist, drawing him a closer as he let out a giddy laugh. “I did,” he said,
tilting his head up and slotting their lips together. For a second, he just let himself enjoy the buzz of
excitement both from the success of their little experiment and the feeling of Sebastian’s soft lips pressing
against his before he drew back and kissed him again, harder this time, taking Sebastian’s bottom lip
between his own, suckling it lightly. Sebastian made a high, breathy noise that sounded more like another
excited exclamation than anything even remotely sexual but it still made Kurt feel warm inside.
“You remembered, though.” Sebastian said suddenly, breaking the kiss. Kurt blinked, feeling a little
disoriented but he couldn’t help smiling at the look of pure glee on Sebastian’s face.
“Yes,” he said, stroking a hand down the side of Sebastian’s face. “We established that.”
Sebastian didn’t seem to find it any less exciting because he just said, “Fuck, Kurt. You remembered.” and
surged forward to kiss him once more. After a second of trading wet, slightly sloppy kisses, he drew back
and asked, “Do you remember anything specific or just that we go for a walk? Do you remember anything
about me?”
Kurt wished he did. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “I just kind of... know that we go for a walk.”
“That’s okay,” Sebastian said, kissing him quickly as if in reassurance. “It’s something.”
“Yeah.”
“So – we should probably get going if we want to uphold tradition.” Sebastian said though he made no
move to get up from their current position.
“We should.”
“You want to change your clothes?”
“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” Kurt asked, looking down at his outfit.
“Nothing,” Sebastian said, tilting Kurt’s head up with a finger to his chin and kissing the corner of his
mouth. “Just thought you might want to be a bit more comfortable. Also, I’m not sure you’d want to risk
getting those pants dirty.”
The tree flashed in his mind again and Kurt smiled. “Because we lie around in the grass after the walk?”
“Don’t remember specifics, my ass.” Sebastian said with a wide grin.
“I don’t.” Kurt said. “But I remember this.”
Sebastian pressed the pad of his thumb against the dip of Kurt’s chin. “It’s enough for now,” he said.
“Now move so I can go change.” Kurt said, patting his arm and attempting to slip out of their weird little
tangle of limbs.
“Wait, no. Not yet.” Sebastian said, holding him down.
“You were the one who said we should get going.”
“Just a few more seconds won’t hurt,” Sebastian said as he leaned in again, presumably to kiss Kurt but
Kurt turned his face so all Sebastian’s lips found was the skin of his cheek.
“No.”
“Kurt, come on.”
“I want to see if going to the park itself is going to jog some more memories. We can’t waste time sitting
around.”
“I wouldn’t call this wasting time,” Sebastian said and he managed to sneak in another kiss before he
sighed and moved back, letting Kurt get to his feet. Kurt stumbled a little as he made his way to the
bedroom, probably because of the disorientation of standing up too fast but it could also have been
because he could still feel the way Sebastian had ran his fingers lightly down his side before he’d pulled
away. “Don’t take forever!” Sebastian called out after him.
Kurt found pair of jeans, which when he later checked the label in the bathroom turned out to be Dolce
and Gabbana, and a white V-neck shirt which he paired with the sandals that were lying around his room
(he had a feeling they might belong to Sebastian but they were comfortable so who cared?). He was ready
to go in less than ten minutes which Sebastian seemed to find incredibly amusing.
“Aw, are you that excited?” he teased as they grabbed their phones and wallets and headed to the
elevator. Kurt scoffed but didn’t reply since he was eyeing the pair of khaki shorts Sebastian had thrown on
in the time Kurt had took to get ready. Something about those shorts kept his attention all the way out of
the apartment building and it wasn’t just the toned muscles of Sebastian’s legs that were peeking out from
underneath them.
It was only when they got to Central Park that Kurt realized what was bugging him about the khakis.
“Those are mine, aren’t they?”
Sebastian had been in the middle of saying something and it took him a moment to figure out what Kurt
was talking about. “Oh these?” he said, looking down at his shorts. “Yeah.”
“You’re wearing them.”
“Killer observational skills, genius.” Sebastian said with a grin.
“I’m just saying.”
“Yeah I’m wearing them, just like you’re wearing my sandals.”
“They’re comfortable,” Kurt said with a hint of defensiveness to his tone.
“And not ugly?”
“Yes. Which is surprising given how your fashion sense is just as woefully plain as I remember.”
“That’s because you picked them out.” Sebastian said with a laugh. “And my fashion sense is fine for your
information.”
Kurt laughed, shaking his head. “Go on telling yourself that.”
Sebastian reached out and took his hand, slotting their fingers together. For a few minutes, they walked in
comfortable silence until Sebastian spoke up. “So anything new jump out at you yet?”
“Not really,” Kurt said.
“What are you thinking about, then?”
Honestly, Kurt had been thinking about that morning, everything that had been said between them since
the moment Sebastian had finished talking to Blaine on the phone. “Nothing,” he said.
“Give me a little credit for being your husband, Kurt. I know that expression. What are you thinking
about?” Kurt didn’t speak up immediately so Sebastian sighed and added, “This is kind of what these walks
are about you know. Talking to each other.”
“I was thinking about the stuff we said this morning.” Kurt admitted.
“You mean the stuff I said. You didn’t exactly get a chance to talk did you?” Sebastian’s voice was lower
now, guilt creeping into his features again.
“No, I’m not – it’s not like that.”
“What’s it like then?”
“There was something Blaine said to me yesterday about us that makes even more sense in light of what
happened today.”
“What did he say?”
“He said our relationship’s themed around discord and rhythm.” Sebastian smiled but let Kurt continue to
speak. “He said that the discord is what gives us rhythm and it’s kind of true isn’t it? If you hadn’t cracked
this morning, I wouldn’t have known what’s been going on in your head all this time, we wouldn’t have
talked things out and I wouldn’t have felt as connected you as I do right now.”
“You feel connected to me?” Sebastian asked, smile widening.
“After what happened in that bedroom and those memories? Kind of, yeah.”
Sebastian tugged at their joint hands so they ended up walking closer together. “Well since we’re talking
things out there’s something I’ve been thinking about too.” Kurt raised his eyebrows in silent inquiry. “It’s
about what you said at Maman’s, about how giving into the crazy emotions you have from flashbacks is
going to make things worse. What if you’re wrong?” Kurt frowned but Sebastian didn’t give him a chance
to ask for clarification before he started explaining himself. “The things you feel after a flashback, those are
emotions that are a huge part of who we were – who we are. If you keep fighting them, aren’t you kind of
fighting us too?”
“I don’t get it. Are you saying you want me to act when I’m not thinking straight?”
“And why aren’t you thinking straight?”
“Because the memories are powerful sometimes and I can’t pull myself out them immediately.”
“So?”
“So it’s confusing, Sebastian.” Kurt said with a huff of breath.
“But I feel like you’re the most honest after you’ve had a flashback.” Sebastian said. “Remember the night
you told me you’re my Kurt?”
“That wasn’t a flashback.”
“It came from crazy emotions though, right?”
Kurt nodded, “I guess.”
“And then after you remembered the accident, you said you felt the urge to run to me or call out to me.”
Again, Kurt nodded. “What I’m trying to say here is that the moments where I feel you let yourself open up
to me most are when your memories or past emotions or whatever have something to say about it.
Otherwise, we might as well be simple friends.”
Kurt took a few moments to mull over what Sebastian had said. Sebastian apparently thought that was the
end of the conversation because he started talking about how there was a really cool karaoke bar nearby
and they should go there sometime.
“I feel vulnerable,” Kurt said suddenly.
“What?” Sebastian looked taken aback.
“The memories,” Kurt said. “Most of the time, they make me feel vulnerable. At least the intense ones and
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