answer it even after Sebastian called out, “I’ll get it.” He ignored the questioning frown his impatience
earned him and waited by the door while Burt’s elevator came up.
He was anxious to see his dad again even though it had only been a day since their last meeting.
Somewhere in between talking about how she and Finn had ultimately decided they weren’t going to work
together, Rachel had mentioned Burt’s second heart attack and the emergency bypass surgery that had to
be conducted as a result. To say the news had come as a shock was a drastic understatement. Kurt knew
there wasn’t any point in him freaking out now when the operation was over and done with and his dad
seemed perfectly healthy, but still. It was big news and just the image of his father in the hospital again
was enough to make him shiver.
Burt seemed surprised that Kurt had found out so soon when he confronted him about the surgery but all
he laughed it off, “It was years ago, kiddo. I’m fine.”
“It’s not about how long ago it was, dad it’s about how you didn’t tell me.”
“What was there to tell huh? You’ve got enough on your plate at the moment without stressing yourself
out over something that happened years ago.”
“I swear,” Sebastian said, shaking his head. “You Hummel men are the same. Silent suffering seems to be a
running trend in the family.” He caught Kurt’s eye and grinned, obviously thinking about how Kurt had
refused to tell Burt about the flashback because he hadn’t wanted to worry him.
Kurt couldn’t argue with that but he exchanged a smile with his father as they walked over to the kitchen.
He told him about the flashbacks over dinner, finally calm enough himself to sound convincing when he
assured his dad he was fine.
Apparently, his word wasn’t enough because Burt’s head swivelled to look at Sebastian who was sitting
next to Kurt just to get conformation that he was in fact, telling the truth. That made Kurt feel just a little
bit insulted but judging by how often than not he’d closed himself off when going through trouble, he felt
that Burt’s hesitancy in taking his word for it was justified.
“I promise, I’m not lying.” He said with a roll of his eyes. “It was hard at first because I didn’t know what
was happening but I met Doctor Hendricks today and she said it’s a sign of progress that I’ve started
remembering things that aren’t just a part of the accident.”
“Wait, what?” Burt said over a bite of garlic bread. “You never mentioned anything about getting other
memories back.”
Kurt felt Sebastian stiffen a little next to him. A foot touched his underneath the table in a silent warning,
not that Kurt needed it. He wasn’t about to tell his father they’d been fighting. “It’s not much,” he said
carefully. “All I remember is talking to Sebastian before I left the house that morning.”
Burt seemed to buy it. “Well that’s good. That’s really good. Did your doctor say anything else?”
Kurt started to tell him about how she’d suggested he narrow his focus to specific periods and the
medication she’d prescribed him for his headaches but he was constantly distracted because Sebastian
hadn’t pulled his foot away yet. His toe was flexing periodically against the back of Kurt’s foot in an almost
teasing dance.
He couldn’t see the expression on Sebastian’s face when he pulled his foot away since his eyes were
focused on Burt but later, when Kurt glanced at him, Sebastian looked perfectly fine albeit a little
crestfallen like he had at the grocery store earlier that day. Kurt couldn’t help but feel like Sebastian had
been testing the waters, checking to see if Kurt would pull away or let him stay where he was.
He hadn’t realized his glance had turned into an unconscious stare until Sebastian turned his head and
caught him. Kurt looked away but not before he caught the grin spreading across Sebastian’s face. He was
thankful Sebastian didn’t call him out on it though. All he said was, “Whether you get your memories back
or not, I think it’s safe to say your cooking skills haven’t been affected.”
After dinner, Sebastian excused himself to make an important call. Burt settled on the kitchen stool, eyes
trained on Kurt who was setting the dishwasher. He hadn’t been as enthusiastic about washing the dishes
by hand this time around.
“You two seem to be doing better,” he commented.
Kurt nodded, not looking up from the plates he was arranging. “We’re working on it.”
“Anything you wanna talk about?” Burt asked in a gentle voice that told Kurt he wasn’t trying to force a
conversation on him.
He thought of refusing at first because his relationship with Sebastian was something he felt intensely
protective of to the point he didn’t want to discuss it with anyone. Not even Rachel had been able to get
him to talk about how things were between the two of them. The reason he didn’t want to say anything
was because there was no simple answer. Fine, good, okay were too generic terms, the real answer was
complicated and he wasn’t ready to elaborate on just how complicated.
Kurt was trying to strike a balance between his old self (that he had conveniently named Sebastian’s Kurt)
and his new self. Trying to explain how the two blended together at moments wasn’t a simple task. Hell, he
barely understood it himself. But the way Burt was looking at him - patiently, affectionately, made Kurt
change his mind.
“Yes,” he said in a quiet voice.
Burt leaned his elbows on the counter and waited. Kurt abandoned the dishes and went to stand on the
opposite end of the counter in front of Burt, trying to think of how to phrase what he wanted to ask.
“This is going to sound crazy,” he started. “But sometimes I feel like there are two of me.” Burt didn’t laugh
at him, didn’t frown, just stared back and nodded for him to continue. “On one hand there’s pre-accident
me and then there’s me-me.
The sentence had sounded better in his head. Frustrated, Kurt started over. “Remember how you told me
to imagine you waking up and not remembering me anymore? Well, let’s pretend you do remember me,
but in your head, I’m still a sophomore.” Burt nodded again, slower this time and Kurt could see he was
getting into the headspace he’d asked him to imagine. “Think of how badly I was being bullied back then
and how Finn was a part of all of it. Now imagine waking up and discovering that that Finn is your stepson.”
He could see he’d hit home with his example. Burt’s lips parted and he said, “Oh.”
“Exactly,” Kurt said with a small smile. “But then you’d spend a few days with him and see how much he
loves you and how he’s changed over the years. Say your memories started coming back but they were
more...sense memories than actual memories. Like, you’d reach for a high five after he cracked a really
funny joke or, I don’t know, clap him on the back like you do now. You wouldn’t realize how familiar you
were acting with him, it would all be unconscious because in your conscious mind, he was still technically
your son’s bully. But after a while, the past would start to fade away because it didn’t hold any relevance in
your present life and you wouldn’t want to bring those old issues back up because you’ve clearly moved
past them at some point in your life and you trust yourself enough to know that whatever the reason had
been, it’d been strong enough.”
“Is that how you feel?” Burt asked. “With Sebastian?”
Kurt took a deep breath and nodded. “Yes,” he breathed. It felt like a huge secret had been let out into the
open and he panicked until he reminded himself that this was his dad. A man he trusted more than anyone
in the whole world. “I feel like he’s family,” Kurt said. “It’s hard to wrap my head around the whole
husbands part sometimes but – I can feel he meant a lot to pre-accident me.”
“What about post-accident you?”
“I – don’t know.” Kurt admitted. “It’s confusing. Sometimes, it feels like we’re just good friends. We get
along. Other times, it’s like he’s the sole reason I haven’t gone crazy yet and I need him around me to keep
myself calm. He knows me,” he let out a huff of breath, almost like a laugh. “It’s scary how well he knows
me.”
“And that makes you feel vulnerable.” It wasn’t a question. Sebastian wasn’t the only one who knew him
well. Burt smiled, seeming to sense that he’d been right. “Look Kurt, I know how much your independence
matters you and I’m not going to tell you for a second that you’re wrong for wanting it. All I’m gonna say is
that being in a relationship with someone automatically makes you vulnerable, especially when you’ve
been with them for seven years – married or not. I’ve seen you and Sebastian go through some crazy times
together. You think that slushy was the worst of it?”
Kurt’s eyebrows creased. “What are you talking about?”
Burt shook his head. “Not my place to say. What I mean is, yeah he’s got seven years on you right now but
do you honestly think you didn’t know every bit of him just as well?” Kurt shrugged even though he knew
the answer what the answer was. Burt’s tone became gentler and he dipped his head to catch Kurt’s gaze.
“Is it going to be scary having someone who can read you like the back of their hand? Hell yeah! But don’t
run away from it just because it makes you vulnerable. Trust me, sometimes allowing yourself to be
vulnerable in front of someone isn’t a weakness. It takes a hell of a lotta strength.”
“I’m not running away,” Kurt said, meeting his dad’s gaze. “I don’t want to. That’s the thing. I want to be
around him, sometimes I like how he knows exactly what I need but I just don’t know how far I want to
take things right now or whether I even consider myself his husband or just his friend. I don’t – I don’t
know.”
“And that’s okay. I don’t think Sebastian is going anywhere anytime soon,” Burt said with a smile.
“Where am I not going?” Sebastian asked, walking back into the kitchen. Kurt straightened up and wiped
his face of the exasperation that had been painted across it a second ago.
“Nowhere,” he said.
“Ah, talking about me were we?” Sebastian said with a grin. When Kurt rolled his eyes, he nudged their
shoulders. “It’s okay. I won’t pry - yet. Burt, you wanna watch some football?” he asked, turning to look at
Burt.
“No, I should get going.” Burt said, slapping his palm on the counter and standing up. “Dinner was amazing,
Kurt.”
“Thanks,” Kurt said. The look in Burt’s eyes told him he knew he wasn’t just thanking him for the
compliment.
Chapter 26
Kurt had forgotten about Sebastian’s plans for a movie night until he emerged from the bathroom to find
the coffee table pushed aside and blankets laid out again. The couch was still in place though, playing host
to Sebastian’s back as he leaned against it, legs stretched out on the blanket in front of him. He was
wearing the same fitted short sleeved shirt he always wore to bed and a pair of bottle blue cotton pajama
pants.
As he approached him, Kurt wondered how many people had been given the chance to see Sebastian like
this. Sure, there must have been countless guys who’d seen every inch of skin on Sebastian’s body and
touched him in ways that Kurt was still uncomfortable thinking about – but how many of those guys had
been able to see Sebastian as open and relaxed as he was right now, his hair an innocent kind of messy
from pulling his shirt carelessly over his head instead of the result of a rough fuck and the grin on his face
not meant to be anything but warm?
“Can I ask you something?” Kurt said as he sat down next to Sebastian and stretched his own legs out.
Sebastian nodded, holding up two spoons and one of the ice cream cartons they’d bought earlier. Kurt
accepted the offered spoon and watched Sebastian open the lid of the carton, noticing how pronounced
the stubble on his chin and upper lip was becoming with the lack of shaving.
“How many boyfriends have you had?”
Sebastian looked up, a mix of amusement and curiosity on his face. “Why?” he asked, tilting his face just a
little and regarding Kurt with an exaggerated suspicious look.
Kurt stared back with determination. “Because I want to know.”
“I take it we’re not counting the ones that lasted less than twelve hours?” Kurt’s expression must have
given him the answer because he grinned and said, “Right. Well – that narrows the options quite a bit.”
“The first time we met, you said you’d met the love of your life on the dance floor at Scandals. Was I
supposed to think you were joking or...?”
“I was joking,” Sebastian said with a grin. “I met the love of my life in a coffee shop.”
Kurt licked his lips and focused his eyes on the spoon he was currently dipping into the carton. There was a
thin layer of melted ice cream at the top and Kurt swirled his spoon around it absently, willing his face not
to heat up under Sebastian’s gaze.
“Have you ever even had a boyfriend?” he asked, finally raising his eyes to Sebastian’s again.
Sebastian shrugged, knocking Kurt’s spoon aside and taking a bite of his own. “I think I’ve had two,
excluding you.”
“You think?” Kurt said, arching an eyebrow.
“Well, it’s kind of difficult to determine whether they’re boyfriends or just guys I choose to have sex with
on a fairly regular basis and don’t kick out immediately afterwards.”
Kurt regarded Sebastian with a vaguely disgusted look. He shouldn’t have been surprised because this was
Sebastian after all but all of a sudden he was reminded too much of the seventeen year old promiscuous
boy he’d hated with a passion.
“What?” Sebastian said, frowning when Kurt continued to stare at him.
“Nothing, I guess I kind of forgot who you were over these past few days.”
Sebastian didn’t seem offended by the comment at all. In fact, his frown disappeared instantly, replaced by
a wide grin. “Oh, I see what you’re trying to do.”
“What am I doing?”
In lieu of an answer, Sebastian held up his hand, the band on his finger glinting in the glow of the lamps.
“Kurt, what’s this?” he asked in a voice a teacher might use to ask a pre-schooler a letter of the alphabet.
Kurt knew what Sebastian was trying to say – look at this ring, it means I’m yours. Those guys don’t matter
anymore – but his tone still made Kurt feel a flare of irritation and he slapped Sebastian’s hand away,
glaring at him. Sebastian laughed, “You weren’t like that, okay?”
“You mean I wasn’t just someone you enjoyed having sex with more than once?” Kurt deadpanned.
Sebastian arched an eyebrow in reply and Kurt rolled his eyes, “You know what I mean.”
“I do.” Sebastian said with a nod. “And no, you weren’t just someone but I did enjoy having sex with you
more than once.”
Fortunately, Kurt was well past the point of getting embarrassed or uncomfortable when mentions of their
sex life came up so all he did was take a bite of ice cream and ask, “What was I then? To you?”
“A pain in the ass.” Sebastian said, shaking his head.
“I assure you, I probably thought the same of you too.” Kurt said coolly before he deflated a bit and added,
“Which is why I don’t understand how we ever got together in the first place.”
Sebastian slid in closer so the length of his left leg was pressed against Kurt’s right and propped an elbow
on the sofa behind Kurt’s shoulder. “You want an honest answer?”
“I wasn’t aware I’d have to specify that,” Kurt said with some difficulty. His brain seemed very fixated on
the prickle of electricity that was coursing through him where their legs were touching.
“Just making sure I won’t be bombarding you with more information than you can handle.” Sebastian said.
“You won’t,” Kurt said firmly. “I’m okay.”
“It was complicated,” Sebastian said. “Until our first date, we were just friends and then that night
happened and things – changed. Like, drastically.”
“Why?”
“Well, we had sex, for one thing.” Sebastian said and Kurt could not have been more thankful for his casual
tone. He didn’t think he could deal with long, lingering pauses and hesitant looks. The fact that he and
Sebastian had sex was something he had long since accepted just like he’d accepted that they were
married. Trying to hide it or acting subtle would not only be silly but also insulting to him – he wasn’t a
blushing virgin anymore. He could handle listening to Sebastian talk about their sex life without feeling
awkward – at least not any more awkward than hearing Sebastian talk about their love life.
“So?” Kurt said with the same casual tone.
“So, it was amazing.” Sebastian said with a grin. “More amazing than either of us had expected and no
amount of sex we had that night – or the next morning – was enough to stop the craving for more.”
Kurt frowned. “That – that’s all it was about?” he asked, a little let down. “Sex?”
Sebastian shook his head in reassurance. “It’s kind of difficult to explain because we weren’t thinking
clearly about any of it. You were still patching your relationship with Blaine and settling in to New York.
You hadn’t had a steady boyfriend for months and I was my same old self, going out and fucking whoever
was hot enough. Somewhere in between all that, we became friends. Like I said, you were going through a
tough time with your internships and you enjoyed taking it out on me.”
“I still don’t understand how that makes things complicated,” Kurt said, watching the spoon in Sebastian’s
hand make the journey from the carton to Sebastian’s lips.
“Because, when we went on a date it was supposed to be a fun, onetime thing and we would’ve used the
embarrassing sounds we made during sex as blackmail material for future use.”
“But that didn’t happen.” Kurt said slowly.
Sebastian smiled. “We enjoyed it too much. And we wanted more. The thing was, we couldn’t exactly
become fuck buddies because it would put our friendship at risk and neither of us was ready for that. So
we kept up the formality of more dates.”
No amount of imagination could make the scenario believable in Kurt’s head. He couldn’t think of how he
would ever use dating as an excuse to have sex without an ounce of sincerity in the emotional aspects of
the relationship. There was a gap in the story and that gap was Kurt’s thought process in all of this. Kurt
desperately wished he had his memories right now so he could see the reasoning of his past self in
agreeing to an arrangement like that.
Sebastian must have seen the disbelief on Kurt’s face because he said, “You stopped being so comfortable
with all of it after a while.”
“Why?” Kurt asked.
“See the thing was, even though the dates were formalities – they were still dates. We were spending way
more time alone together than we had before and it was starting to change us.”
“Change as in -”
“We were becoming too involved. Without realizing it, we were making ourselves more vulnerable to each
other than we had before. Then Christmas break came around and you went back to Lima -”
Kurt felt something stir inside him like a warning. There were flashes in his head, little glimpses of
Sebastian smirking at him with snowflakes in his hair as he watched Kurt enjoy his first winter in New York,
airports packed with people flying in all directions to get to their families in time for the holidays – he
didn’t know what his mind was grappling for, probably some way to fill in the gaps of the story Sebastian
was telling him but he couldn’t quite place the warning.
Sebastian had gone silent next to him, staring at the slowly melting ice cream in his hands. “What
happened when I went back to Lima?” Kurt asked quietly.
“At the airport, you hugged me. Really tightly and you said I’m going to miss you, asshole,” Sebastian had
started to twirl his spoon around the melted mess of ice cream now and he didn’t look up as he continued
talking. “I laughed and said I’d try and return the favor but the thing was, I did miss you. You’d started
sleeping over a lot and after you left everything suddenly seemed really – empty. It was at that point that I
realized how deep we’d gotten ourselves into this thing, how deep I’d gotten in to it. I panicked. My
opinion on relationships then was no different from what it had been in high school. I didn’t trust them and
I didn’t trust myself to be in one. So I did the only thing I could think of to convince myself that nothing had
changed -”
“You cheated on me.” Kurt said simply, staring at his feet.
“It wasn’t cheating.” Sebastian said. “I’m not saying that in my defense, I’m saying that because it was the
truth. We weren’t actually dating and we both knew it.”
“But I didn’t see it like that, did I?” Kurt said, feeling a pang of sympathy towards his younger self mixed
with a certain amount of disappointment at how he hadn’t had the sense to guard himself against what
was bound to have been even more crushing heartbreak after Blaine. “I fell in love with you.”
There it was. The reason he’d agreed to keep going on those ‘dates’; he had gone and fallen in love with
Sebastian Smythe.
Sebastian looked at him, his eyes guilty. “How do you know?”
“Wild guess,” Kurt said with a small smile.
Sebastian sighed. “You did – but so did I. You just had the guts to admit it and then step back. We stopped
our dates and you started going out with this Liam guy who’d been after you for ages.”
Liam – the name sounded familiar. There had been a boy with chestnut colored hair and dimples that Kurt
had seemed to have been with in a lot of the pictures dating back to early 2017, he remembered thinking
that the boy must have been his boyfriend judging how close they had been in all of the shots. Now he
knew he had been right.
“What happened with us? After I came back?”
“We were still at each other’s throats,” Sebastian said. “But you were a lot more guarded around me and it
frustrated me to no extent because I’d become used to seeing you completely open – no pun intended.”
He grinned and Kurt shook his head, an amused smile tugging at his lips. “I didn’t know what to do to get
you back because you weren’t ignoring me so technically there was no getting you back. You took me
home after I got too drunk to drive some nights and you would still buy me coffee from time to time when
I was stressed about law school but I still felt so fucking lost. There you were, all composed with a shiny
new boyfriend next to you and you were moving on – and then there I was, going fucking crazy because I
was in love with you but wasn’t ready to admit it and basically - there’s a lot of middle but I’m going to skip
forward because we need that happy ending already – I got my shit together and started actively pursuing
you.”
Kurt couldn’t help the snort that escaped him at that. “Actively pursuing?”
To his surprise, Sebastian blushed. “I was horrible at it, okay? I can be charming when I want to be but it’s
kind of hard when the person I’m trying to charm knows me well enough to see through any fancy dinner
reservations and polite talk and -” Kurt was suppressing laughter by this point because Sebastian was
getting defensive, ice cream spilling over from the carton and trickling onto his fingers as he rambled on. “-
your boyfriend was a real fucking pain. He’d get suspicious if I so much as looked in your direction and
obviously, he hated me because eventually, at one point it became obvious what I was doing and everyone
seemed to catch on except for you.”
Kurt frowned. “I couldn’t have been that clueless. I refuse to believe you were throwing yourself at me
with laughable attempts at being ‘charming’ and I didn’t notice.”
Sebastian shook his head. “You heartless dick,” he said. “You noticed all right. You were just enjoying
torturing me. You kept me at it for weeks even after Liam broke up with you and – oh yeah, go ahead.
Laugh. Let’s all laugh. Ha. Ha.”
Kurt leaned his head back against Sebastian’s folded arm where it rested on the couch and laughed until
his vision blurred with the tears in his eyes and well, that was a new. Laughter as a cause for tears. He
would definitely take it over the alternative of painful flashbacks.
“Oh god, I would kill to remember that.” Kurt said when his laughs subsided and he finally regained control
of his breathing. His stomach was in stitches and he placed a hand over it as he tilted his head to see
Sebastian smiling at him. His eyes were warm and – well, there was no other word for it - adoring. “What
finally won this prince over, then?” Kurt asked.
Sebastian leaned in and pressed his lips to Kurt’s forehead, completely unlike the way he had the first night
in their apartment. That had been desperate and sloppy with his tears and heartbreak. This was nothing
like that. The press of his lips was soft and tender, lingering on Kurt’s forehead until he could feel the
warmth of the touch down to the tips of his toes. They curled of their own accord and his face tilted,
causing Sebastian’s lips to skid over his forehead until they were skimming the top of his left eyebrow.
“A kiss,” he said, pulling away a little bit only to dip back down and kiss the arch of Kurt’s cheekbone.
“Several kisses.”
“Really?” Kurt said, trying to keep his voice steady. It came out sounding more than just steady. It sounding
playful and flirty and hey - where did that come from? But Kurt didn’t fight it, he was having too much fun.
“No Central Park serenade? No skywritten messages across New York City?”
“I’m much better at expressing my feelings physically.” Sebastian said, kissing the curve of Kurt’s jaw. The
arm that had been resting on the sofa now curved around Kurt’s shoulder, draping over it and pulling him
closer against Sebastian’s side as he hooked his ankle over Kurt’s. “So much easier than words.”
Kurt waited for the closeness to feel uncomfortable. Waited for the telltale signs of panic in his head and
body which would make him want to pull away but it was like his whole body was buzzing – with laughter,
with affection, with god only knew what. All Kurt knew was that he felt happier than he had since the
accident, light and carefree and Sebastian was grinning against his cheek, the edges of his smile pressing
into Kurt’s own.
“Kurt?”
“Mm.”
Sebastian’s other hand caught Kurt’s and he tangled their fingers together, arm tightening around Kurt’s
shoulder and drawing him in even closer until Kurt could feel every rise and fall of Sebastian’s chest as he
breathed.
“I love you.”
The words washed over him, sinking into the depths of his bones. A part of Kurt wanted to say I love you
too but he knew it was more I’m sure I loved you too. He bit his tongue to keep from giving in to the
temptation because whenever he said those words, he wanted them to be every bit as sincere and
heartfelt as they could be, unhindered by conflicting emotions from memories he was trying so hard to
remember. Something pure and entirely his.
“You don’t have to say it back,” Sebastian said, saving him the trouble of replying. “I just needed to say it
right now.”
Kurt felt a rush of gratitude for him and turned his head just the slightest so he could press a kiss to the
corner of his mouth in a silent thank you. Maybe he was better at expressing his feelings physically too.
Sebastian held him, wrapped completely around Kurt’s body as if he were a pillow, his forehead pressed
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