The silence between them was awkward for a second before the ringtone of Sebastian’s cell phone filled
the apartment. “Are you trying to wake the dead?” Kurt asked, looking over at the coffee table where the
phone was vibrating along with the sound. He thought he saw a hint of bitterness in Sebastian’s smile.
It was Blaine, promising to come by after work with dinner. “Kurt do you want Chinese or pizza?” Sebastian
called out.
“Anything as long as it’s not dripping with grease,” Kurt said.
“Just grab a few burgers.” Sebastian said and Kurt somehow knew just by his tone that he was rolling his
eyes. “No, he’s got his hands occupied at the moment. You can talk to him when you see him later.”
Kurt almost turned around and told Sebastian to give him the phone anyway, he was so eager to talk to
Blaine but by then, Sebastian had already hung up. At least he would see him this evening, Kurt said to
himself. He couldn’t stop the grin that spread on his face at the prospect.
__
Kurt spent the rest of the afternoon browsing his closet. For the most part, he had to fight the urge to grab
his laptop and start researching fashion trends over the past ten years. He found a few pieces with a tag
that had the initials KH on them and it took a surprising amount of time for Kurt to recognize that they
were actually his designs. His surprised shout was so loud, both Burt and Sebastian appeared in his
doorway within seconds. Kurt flushed a deep shade of red and waved them off but Sebastian stayed
anyway, his grin telling Kurt he knew exactly what had prompted the exclamation.
“You’re still working on a proper clothing line,” he said, sitting down on the bed much to Kurt’s dismay.
“But you’ve been making stuff for yourself for ages.”
Kurt was silent as he ran his hand over the shirt. He almost asked Sebastian to tell him more – about his
designs, about his job but then he looked up and saw the way Sebastian had slid back on the bed and was
lounging there as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Even though Kurt knew this was technically
their bed, seeing Sebastian spread out like that, with the shadows of raindrops playing on his skin made
him feel uncomfortable.
He was considering the politest way to tell him to leave when he heard Blaine’s voice out in the hall,
greeting Burt. His heart skipped a beat and he quickly turned back to check his reflection in the full length
mirror in his closet. His hair was a mess and his clothes weren’t as flattering as they could be, especially
after a morning spent rolling around in them, but at least he looked better than he had at the hospital.
Sebastian didn’t notice Kurt’s sudden jumpiness. He called out to Blaine from his position on the bed and
grinned lazily at him when Blaine walked through the bedroom door. Kurt’s breath caught in his throat at
the sight of him. His hair was dripping with thick droplets of water that fell down in big blotches onto his
powder blue button down. The first two buttons were open to reveal a patch of bronze skin damp with
rain and Kurt flashed back to the night Blaine’s parents had been out of town and the two of them had
spent hours just mouthing over each other’s body.
“Hey,” Blaine said with a bright smile, oblivious to the sudden racing in Kurt’s heart as he made his way
towards him.
“Hi,” Kurt managed to say with a smile. He didn’t resist when Blaine pulled him into a hug but he did feel a
flash of heat shoot through him when he kissed Kurt’s cheek. Sebastian seemed unfazed by the display of
affection and it surprised Kurt given how his last meeting with Blaine had ended on the news of their break
up but maybe they were the sort of friends who kissed? Blaine had always been very physically
affectionate; Kurt shouldn’t have been surprised that the habit would have stuck after all these years. A
kiss on the cheek was probably as normal as a handshake for him by this point.
“How are you doing?” Blaine asked as Kurt joined him and Sebastian on the bed.
“He spent the whole day napping,” Sebastian said with a grin and Kurt elbowed him in the thigh, his eyes
fixed on the way Blaine’s grin widened.
“Well that’s good, right? You need your rest.”
“Yeah, I guess.” Kurt said.
It felt oddly familiar sitting on the bed talking to the two of them; his husband and his best. Kurt rolled
around the words on tongue as if they would make the roles of these boys any more real in his head. As if
the warmth he felt when he looked at Blaine would transfer to when he looked at Sebastian.
It never did.
When Sebastian said he was going to go the bathroom, Kurt almost grabbed his hand and told him to stay
because he felt as if a whole cage of butterflies had been let loose in his stomach at the thought of staying
alone with Blaine in his bedroom.
Blaine just smiled at him though, playing with one of the cushions as he asked, “So how’re things with
Sebastian?”
Kurt shrugged, “We’re getting along. I guess.”
“Give him a chance, Kurt.”
“I have.” Kurt said. “I just keep thinking about the last time I did.”
Blaine looked at him long and hard, as if he was weighing his words before he said them. “That was a long
time ago. A lot of things have changed.”
“You’re telling me,” Kurt said with a roll of his eyes.
“It’s stopped raining,” Blaine said and Kurt was about to call him out on his sudden change of topic when
Blaine asked, “Have you been on the roof yet?” Kurt shook his head. “Oh my god, you haven’t? Come on,
the timing is perfect. The sun hasn’t set yet.”
Kurt found himself being dragged out the bedroom towards the apartment door as Blaine shouted a quick,
“We’re going to the roof!” to Burt over his shoulder.
Kurt was too focused on the feeling of Blaine’s hand around his wrist to pay attention to where they were
going. He only looked up when they stepped out onto the roof, still a little wet from a day of nonstop rain.
“Wow,” Kurt breathed.
“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” Blaine asked, letting go of his hand and stepping forward. “Surprisingly, no one ever
comes up here so we can hang out and never have to worry about intruding on someone else’s space.”
Kurt walked over to the ledge and looked out at the city, Blaine coming to stand beside him, his face
turned towards the sky. Kurt looked at him, his hand aching to reach out and touch his cheek, trace over
the end of day stubble there. Instead, he turned back to the buildings around him and asked, “You’ve been
in New York longer than me, right?”
“Only by three years. Give or take a couple of months.”
“And to think I was always worried about how you would deal with being left behind.” Kurt said quietly.
Blaine gave him a small smile but didn’t press the subject. “Blaine,” Kurt said, turning his body towards
him. “Why did we break up?”
“We were – we were fighting a lot.” Blaine said. “The distance was getting to us both and every time we
promised each other we’d try and make it work, about ten things would go wrong simultaneously and it
would make everything that much harder.”
“Did either of us...cheat?” When Blaine didn’t reply, Kurt felt his heart sink.
“No,” he said finally. “Not in the literal sense. But emotionally, I think we had moved on a long time before
we finally ended things.”
That was worse than anything. Kurt felt tears start to gather in his eyes at the thought of him and Blaine
struggling to make a relationship work when neither of them was emotionally invested anymore. It just
wasn’t something he could process right now. He could never think of a point where he didn’t love Blaine
with all his heart.
“I’m glad I don’t remember it.” Kurt said in a quiet voice. “I don’t want to remember falling out of love with
you. I don’t – I can’t think of how I ever could.”
“We moved on, Kurt. That was all.” Blaine said. “We still love each other, just not in the way we used to.
It’s not any less intense – just different.”
Kurt wiped his eyes, trying to stop the tears from escaping. He didn’t want to cry. Not over something he
was sure he had already devoted several hours to crying over. “You know what the worst part is?” Kurt
asked. “It’s not that we broke up – it’s how I don’t remember all the good stuff in the years we were
together. Senior prom, winning Nationals together, sneaking you into my dorm room – did I sneak you into
my dorm room?”
Blaine grinned. “A couple of times.”
Kurt laughed. It sounded wet. “See?”
“Well you still have pictures of all of it. Maybe not the dorm room part, but Nationals and prom – facebook
is probably full of them.”
“I just,” Kurt took a deep breath. “I guess I’m looking for some sort of closure.”
“Closure?” Blaine repeated, frowning a little.
Kurt looked at him and nodded slowly, eyes raking over his face and still seeing the same Blaine he had
always seen, just a little older. “Blaine,” he said in an almost terrified whisper. “Can I kiss you?”
Blaine’s face immediately became guarded. “Kurt -”
“No, please. Just listen to me.” Kurt said, cutting him off. “Just one time. One last time. Think of it as a
consolation prize for missing out on the years of being together that I don’t remember. Please, Blaine.”
“Kurt, you’re -” Kurt knew he was going to say married but he didn’t. Blaine looked at him with hesitation
and sympathy, the same way he had looked at him the first time Kurt had confessed his crush to him.
Kurt’s heart pounded while he waited for Blaine’s answer, he could see his mind working behind his eyes.
Finally, he took a deep breath and said “For closure?”
Kurt smiled, relief washing over him. “For closure.”
“Where did Kurt and Blaine go?” Sebastian asked after he came out of the bathroom to find the bedroom
empty.
Burt was watching football and didn’t look away from the screen when he said, “They went up on the roof
or something.”
Sebastian slipped into a pair of sandals and took the stairs two at a time, finding the door wide open when
he got to the top. The sun was just about setting but there was still enough light to make out Kurt and
Blaine standing off to his left. Sebastian made a move towards them but stopped in his tracks when he saw
how they were pressed together.
For a moment he thought his eyes must have been playing tricks on him, he grappled for an explanation
that would explain why Blaine was currently cupping Kurt’s face with both hands or why Kurt had his
fingers threaded through Blaine’s curls, holding him close. His brain tried and failed to give him a valid
answer and as much as he wanted to, as much it felt like a blow to heart every second he kept staring,
Sebastian couldn’t look away.
He stood frozen, feeling sick as he watched the two of them kiss; his husband and his best friend.
Chapter 12
Sebastian didn’t remember going back downstairs. He didn’t answer when Burt asked him if something
was wrong, just walked past him into the bedroom where everything had been so perfect just a few
minutes ago and shut the door. The image of Kurt and Blaine seemed to be burned into the back of his
eyelids, every time he so much as blinked, he was treated to the sight of them kissing with a passion he
hadn’t seen between them in years.
It wasn’t like Sebastian hadn’t anticipated Kurt’s feelings towards Blaine, he just hadn’t expected them to
lead anywhere because he had never thought Blaine would let them. He didn’t know whether he was more
hurt or angry. Probably a wild mixture of both.
The door opened and Blaine walked in, looking surprised when he saw Sebastian standing in the middle of
the room. “Oh hey – we were wondering where you were.” he said, but Sebastian noticed how he was
avoiding his gaze.
“Where’s Kurt?” Sebastian asked, his voice surprisingly calm.
“He’s still on the roof. I guess he wanted to look at the view a bit longer.”
“Really?” Sebastian said in a flat voice.
“Yeah,” Blaine gave him a small smile and rubbed the back of his neck. Sebastian wondered if he knew how
the guilt was seeping through every moment of his body. His eyes kept flickering from Sebastian to the
windows before he finally said, “Listen Sebastian, I think I’m going to stay away for a bit.”
“Stay away?”
“I think it’s best for all of us.”
“Did something happen?” Sebastian asked.
“No, no. Nothing happened.” Blaine said quickly.
“Why don’t you say that again, Blaine?” Sebastian said, his voice dangerously calm. “With a little more
conviction this time.”
Blaine looked at Sebastian with panicked eyes. “I don’t - What?”
“I’ll tell you what,” Sebastian said, stepping closer to him. “I just saw you kissing my husband not two
minutes ago.” Blaine’s expression froze and Sebastian felt a tinge of satisfaction at how the color drained
from his face. “And instead of dealing with how big of a dick you are to do that to me and to Kurt, you’re
just going to run away.”
“It’s not like that -”
“Isn’t it?” Sebastian said, his anger rising to the surface now. “What’s it like then Blaine? Because from
what it looked like, you were definitely kissing my husband on that roof knowing full well how he feels
about you and how having you kiss him is the last thing he needs right now!”
“Sebastian -”
“You’re my best friend, you asshole!” Sebastian shouted, not bothering to keep his voice low. “What the
fuck were you thinking? How could you possibly have justified doing something like that?”
“Kurt said -”
“Kurt is stuck ten years in the past. You’re not!”
Blaine opened and closed his mouth but decided against saying anything. Sebastian fought the urge to hit
him, balled his hands into fists at his side instead and breathed through his nose in an attempt to calm
himself.
“Get out,” he said finally.
Blaine blinked. “What?”
“I said get out. You’re right, it’s best if you stay away for a while. It’s bad enough that Kurt hates me right
now, I don’t need you making things worse than they already are.”
“I’m sorry,” Blaine said, rubbing his face with his hand. “I really am.”
Sebastian didn’t say anything, just clenched his jaw and waited for Blaine to leave. Blaine looked at him
with a desperate expression on his face as if he was searching for the right words to fix everything but then
he just nodded, looking as broken as Sebastian felt when he left.
Dinner was tense. Burt kept looking at Sebastian with a questioning frown but he didn’t press for any
details even though he was bound to have heard bits of his argument with Blaine. Instead, he kept up a
steady stream of conversation with Kurt, talking about meaningless things which Kurt only replied to in
monosyllables. For the first time, Sebastian wished Burt hadn’t been there; he knew he was only trying to
help but Sebastian didn’t need anyone’s help right now. What he needed was time alone with Kurt so they
could both figure this out without anyone’s misguided attempts at helping them.
His frustration with him faded away when Burt got up and declared he was going to bed early. Sebastian
waited until the bedroom door had shut behind him before he finally turned his gaze to Kurt. He hadn’t
asked where Blaine had gone nor had he said one word to Sebastian throughout the evening. He chewed
his food in silence, sniffing occasionally in a way that made Sebastian think he was fighting tears.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Kurt shrugged.
“Kurt?”
“I’m done,” Kurt said, dropping the rest of his burger onto his plate. “I can’t eat anymore. It feels like I’m
stuffing cotton in my mouth.”
“Do you want a drink?”
“I think I’m going to go to bed.” Kurt said, pushing back his chair and standing up.
“Wait,” Sebastian said and Kurt sighed, turning to look at him impatiently. Sebastian stood up, careful not
to step into Kurt’s comfort zone, knowing he would close off even further. “Don’t go to bed yet.”
“I’m tired.”
“You spent the whole day sleeping!” Sebastian backtracked when he saw the way Kurt’s eyes narrowed.
“Can we just – I don’t know, talk?”
“Why?” Kurt asked as if the idea was ridiculous.
“Do we need a reason?” Sebastian said, trying his best to hide his desperation. “I just want to talk.”
Kurt looked at him closely for a moment and Sebastian felt hopeful that he would nod and sit back down
but Kurt just shook his head and said, “I’m really not in the mood right now.”
Sebastian stood looking after him for a long time, his mind swimming and his stomach clenching painfully
before he found himself walking down the hall towards his bedroom, a new determination in his step. He
didn’t knock, just opened the door and walked in. Kurt looked up in alarm from where he was sitting on the
bed and wiped his face hastily before he glared at him, “What?”
“Are you even trying?” Sebastian said, closing the door behind him and crossing his arms.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. What are you doing in my room?”
“This is our room.”
Kurt huffed. “Sebastian, just leave me alone.”
“I don’t think you are,” Sebastian continued, ignoring him. “I don’t think you care about us enough to try
and make this work.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Kurt said, standing up.
“It means I’m your husband and you couldn’t care less about me or how I feel in about all of this.”
“See this is exactly what I was talking about,” Kurt said, shaking his head. “I feel like I’m obligated to love
you just because you’re my husband and you make it so difficult to try and -”
“That’s just it, though!” Sebastian said, his body practically shaking. “You aren’t trying. You’re not making
the slightest effort to remember anything.”
“I didn’t know there was a rulebook of how to go about regaining your memory.” Kurt snapped.
“You don’t need a rulebook to tell you that you don’t go around kissing your ex boyfriends when you’re
married, Kurt!”
Kurt froze, much like Blaine had. “He told you?” he asked in a quiet voice.
“I saw you both,” Sebastian said. “Do you have any idea how I felt when I -”
“Do you have any idea how I feel?!” Kurt said, cutting him off. His posture was defensive, tears gathering in
his eyes. “So much has changed and I’ve barely had time to process it. It’s not as easy as pushing a button,
Sebastian. My memory isn’t going to return just because I tried to remember something.” He put his hands
to his temples and massaged them in slow circles, letting out a deep breath. “Everything is just so damn
confusing for me right now,” he said, looking back up at Sebastian with wet eyes. “I know I promised to try
and make this work but – it’s not working. I’m sorry. The truth is that I don’t love you. I can’t love you. I just
can’t. And wearing some stupid, expensive rings isn’t going to change that.”
Sebastian’s body didn’t give him any warning. The tears sprung to his eyes and started streaming down his
cheeks before he had a chance to do anything about them. Kurt seemed to realize what he’d said and his
face changed; his lips parted and the crease in his eyebrow disappeared, replaced instead by guilt carved
into every inch of his features. “Sebastian, I didn’t -”
“You were right before,” Sebastian said through his tears. “You’re not my husband. You’re not my Kurt.”
Kurt’s eyes flared with anger and he took a step forward, the words falling from his lips almost like a reflex.
“I am your Kurt.”
There was a stunned pause after that where they both stared at each other and Sebastian felt his heart
skip a few beats in succession. The sheer force with which Kurt had said the words sent a shiver through
him and it took all his self control to remain standing where he was and not reach out and grab Kurt.
Chapter 13
“I – I don’t know where that came from,” Kurt said in a shocked whisper. His whole body was quivering;
the rushing sound in his ears was back and a disgusting throbbing had started up in his head, the kind that
occurred after he had spent a long time crying. He pressed the heel of his hands to both his eyes and tried
to block his vision, tried to take deep calming breaths and clear his head.
His words were still echoing in his head.
I am your Kurt
He hadn’t even been aware of what he’d said until the words were hanging in the air between them. It had
been as natural as saying, ‘are you crazy?’ when someone insisted that flip flops were considered
respectable footwear. He didn’t know what had prompted it except for the fact that the second he had
seen Sebastian start to cry, guilt had washed over him like a tidal wave and all he’d wanted to do was make
it better.
When Sebastian had said he wasn’t his Kurt, it had hurt. There was no reason for his words to hurt, they
were true – Kurt had said as much himself. He wasn’t Sebastian’s husband, he wasn’t the same Kurt and
yet, something inside him had flared up and felt the need to fight back.
It was like there was another him struggling to come to the surface, to fix what Kurt was screwing up. A
Kurt who took comfort in the smell of Sebastian’s body wash, who curled up close to him in his sleep and
wore his wedding band proudly rather than hiding it away in a drawer. A Kurt who felt Sebastian’s pain as
strongly as if it were his own and refused to let himself be the cause of it.
Sebastian’s Kurt.
Kurt wanted to rip him out of his body and throw him at Sebastian. Say ‘here, you have him. Now leave me
alone.’
Instead, he was stuck battling with him, trying to reconcile that Kurt’s feelings with his own feelings. It was
exhausting and confusing.
“Kurt,” Sebastian’s voice was gentle, closer.
“Just go away,” Kurt said without any force.
“Kurt, look at me.” Sebastian’s voice was calm, pleading and it was that, more than anything that made
Kurt open his eyes and look at him. “Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine,” Kurt said, taking a step back to put some distance between them.
To his dismay, Sebastian only stepped closer. “You don’t look fine.”
“Sebastian -” but Kurt didn’t have the energy to say anything else except, “I’m sorry.” He wished he’d
opened a lamp or something because it suddenly felt too close, too personal standing here in the dark with
Sebastian barely an arm’s length away from him. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I shouldn’t have lashed out at
you, I shouldn’t have kissed Blaine but I wasn’t thinking and -”
“Hey - hey, ssh.” Sebastian said, closing the last few inches between them and wrapping his arms around
Kurt. The promise he’d made last night to keep his distance seemed to have flown out the window for all
the care Sebastian took to stay at a respectful distance.
“No, don’t -” Kurt said, trying to twist away from the embrace but Sebastian didn’t budge. Something told
him he was used to Kurt pushing him away when he was upset but unlike everyone else, he didn’t back
down.
Marriage perks a voice in his head said.
Kurt didn’t want to cry, he really didn’t. But there was something about the way Sebastian was cradling his
head against his chest with his other arm wrapped tightly around Kurt’s waist that made him want to cry. A
battle seemed to be raging between how his body wanted to press in closer and let Sebastian hold him and
how his mind refused to come to terms with the fact that he was letting Sebastian Smythe comfort him.
His body won because Kurt let out a shuddering breath and relaxed in Sebastian’s arms. Sensing the
sudden lack of resistance, Sebastian tightened his grip. His fingers threaded through Kurt’s hair, stroking
along his scalp in a slow, soothing motion and his chin came to rest on top of his head.
“You don’t have to be sorry,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “You have issues to sort out, I get
that. I just wish you would let me help you instead of going to someone else.”
“I wasn’t thinking of you when I kissed him.” Kurt said. “Maybe I should have, but I wasn’t. You have to
understand that I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know you didn’t.” Sebastian said with a sigh. “You don’t care about me enough to think of hurting of me
– no, don’t try to deny it. It’s the truth and we both know it.”
“If I didn’t care,” Kurt said slowly. “I wouldn’t have apologized. I wasn’t lying when I said I don’t love you. I
don’t. But – I do care about you. To some extent, at least.”
“You didn’t just say you don’t love me, Kurt. You said you can’t.” Sebastian said, looking heartbroken.
If there was any way to talk all of his words back, Kurt would. The hurt on Sebastian’s face was breaking
him more than his own pain.
We’re in the same situation, he thought with a burning sadness. We both woke up one day to find out that
the person we love most doesn’t love us back anymore.
Kurt hated feeling like he owed something to anyone but he knew he owed it to Sebastian to be honest
with him. If Blaine had closed himself off and refused to talk to Kurt, it would have torn his heart apart. He
may not have been Sebastian's Kurt one hundred percent but he was all Sebastian had and it may have
been an obligation, but it was something Kurt would have expected too if the situation were reversed.
“When I was in the hospital,” Kurt said quietly, “Doctor Hendricks told me that one of the main causes of
stress in my situation would be the complete lack of control I had over my life. She said that since this
version of my life isn’t going to make any sense to me, I might try and hold on to everything I know from
my past in order to feel less lost.”
“And that’s what you were doing with Blaine.” It wasn’t a question, just a statement. “You were trying to
feel less lost.”
“I was looking for closure.” Kurt said. “It’s easier to let go of things like not going to NYADA or never
making it on to Broadway because I don’t remember experiencing them. But Blaine meant so much to me.
He was one of the best things that ever happened in Lima. You can’t hate me for wanting to hold on to
how safe I felt with him.”
“I don’t hate you.” Sebastian said. “You just hate me.”
Kurt closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I hate the Sebastian that I remember,” he said when he
opened his eyes again. “You’re not him. It’s just difficult for me to separate you two.”
“Kurt, be honest – before, when you said you’re my Kurt, what were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t thinking.”
“You were thinking something.”
Kurt shook his head. “I wasn’t. I had no idea I’d said the words until a second after I’d said them.”
“You know what I think?” Sebastian said. “I think somewhere in here...” his hand came up to brush Kurt’s
temple and trace back over his head. “Somewhere in your unconscious mind, you remember me. It’s like
you said yesterday, you know there’s a reason you married me. You know there’s a part of you loves me
but you don’t let that part of you come out consciously because the idea of loving me scares you too
much.”
“How do you know me so well?” For the second time that night, Kurt wasn’t able to stop the words until
he’d already said them.
Sebastian smiled, his hand drifting down from his forehead to touch Kurt’s cheek lightly. “Because,” he
said. “If you’re my Kurt, then I’m also your Sebastian.”
Every single pair of eyes present is trained on them, Sebastian is well aware of this fact. He forces himself to
ignore everyone, focuses instead on Kurt who is currently smiling at him, his arms wrapped tightly around
Дата добавления: 2015-09-29; просмотров: 23 | Нарушение авторских прав
| <== предыдущая лекция | | | следующая лекция ==> |