see if you were interested in hanging out -” Sebastian's heart clenched at that. Kurt had thought of calling
him, he’d voluntarily sought out an opportunity to spend time with him.
“Except,” Kurt continued. “I realized I didn’t have a cell phone. I could have bought a new one but I didn’t
have enough cash and apparently, I don’t even know the PIN code to use for my ATM.” Kurt’s voice was
dripping with sarcasm by now, tears subsiding in favor of an angry flush to his cheeks. “And forget that,” he
said with a bitter laugh. “Even if I had bought a phone. I wouldn’t know your number. Or Rachel’s, or
Blaine’s. I was lucky enough to at least remember where I lived.”
Sebastian did step forward then, reaching out to touch Kurt’s cheek like he had that morning. Kurt didn’t
push him away but he was still breathing heavily, no traces of calming down. “I have never -” he choked on
his words, looking at Sebastian with tear filled eyes. “- felt so helpless in my life. I don’t even feel like
myself anymore. I feel like I’m a broken shell of what I used to be.”
“Kurt,” Sebastian said firmly, sliding his palms along Kurt’s cheek to cup his face in both hands. “Stop it.
You are not broken. You said so yourself, you’re not.”
Kurt seemed to have lost any energy to fight back. He simply stood with his eyes on Sebastian’s face,
watching him in silence as Sebastian stroked his face in a helpless attempt to comfort.
“I’ve made an appointment with Doctor Hendricks tomorrow morning at 11.” he said, fighting the urge to
cry. “We’re going to figure this out, I promise. But right now, you’re going to go take a hot bath and then
try and get some sleep. And,” he added when Kurt still looked distressed. “You’re going to stop thinking.
Whatever Rachel’s told you, whatever you saw in those pictures or your flashbacks, I don’t care – block it
out. Because none of it matters, okay? Nothing matters except for you.”
For a moment, it seemed like Kurt was going to push him away but what he did surprised Sebastian even
more. His hands came up to rest on Sebastian’s neck, angling his head down so their foreheads touched,
breaths mingling. Their lips were inches apart and Sebastian was tempted to close the gap between them
and press his lips to Kurt’s just once, a brief peck that would be nothing but a simple expression of how
much he loved him.
He was just about to lean in when Kurt said, “Sometimes I feel like you're the only person who’s keeping
me from losing my mind.”
Chapter 23
Kurt didn’t come out of his bath feeling any less miserable than he had before. He did however feel slightly
calmer which might have been the work of the bath oils Sebastian had included in the water. He didn’t so
much as glance down to the hall to his bedroom, knowing how it would look after the way he’d trashed it.
There was no way he could sleep in there tonight, but the other option of sharing a bedroom with
Sebastian wasn’t one he was quite ready for yet.
Sebastian had apparently been aware of this fact because when Kurt walked into the lounge, he found the
sofa and coffee table pushed aside, leaving space for a makeshift bed made out of blankets and pillows.
The lights were turned off and the blinds were all let down. Kurt found the darkness soothing; a dull ache
had started up in his head and the lack of sharp lights was a blessing on his vision. Sebastian had lit a few
candles on the kitchen counter. Judging from the strong scent of jasmine and cranberry mandarin, they
hadn’t been lit just for the sake of it.
“The smell helps you sleep,” a gentle voice said from behind him. Kurt turned around to see Sebastian
holding out a cup of tea for him with a warm smile on his face. “Chamomile,” he said, nodding to the cup.
“You have it before bed on days when you’re stressed.”
Kurt took the cup from Sebastian’s hands silently even though he didn’t feel like having tea. Once his hand
was free, Sebastian reached out to touch Kurt’s cheek again, a gesture that Kurt was gradually getting used
to. The brush of fingertips against his skin almost felt familiar now.
His right temple gave a disgusting throb and almost as if he’d felt it, Sebastian’s hand drifted to it.
“Headache?”
Kurt nodded. “It’s building.”
He wanted to sit down, or better, move to the blankets Sebastian had set up. Standing felt like too much
effort.
“I’ll get you some painkillers, hang on.” Sebastian moved back to the kitchen and returned a second later
with the pill and a glass of water.
It was still strange how well Sebastian knew him, how he knew exactly what to do and how to act to make
Kurt feel better. He guessed it was something to be expected after seven years of being together. Still, it
didn’t make it any less strange.
The ‘bed’ when Kurt sat down on it, was more comfortable than he had expected considering all that
separated him and the hard floor were a couple of blankets. He shouldn’t have been surprised when
Sebastian sat down next to him but Sebastian must have seen the questioning look on his face anyway
because he said, “There’s no way I’m letting you sleep alone tonight. And before you think it’s because you
need someone looking after you, it’s not. I’m doing this for me. I’m not going to get a second of sleep
unless I have you near me and I know you’re not comfortable enough to share a bed so feel free to roll as
far away on this thing as you want.” He gestured between them at the expanse of blankets.
Kurt managed a small smile and sipped his tea in silence. He liked how Sebastian managed to take care of
him without making him feel like he needed someone to take care of him. He didn’t feel sick or broken or
lost like he had standing in the middle of New York City that evening. All he felt was loved.
And fuck, if that wasn’t the strangest thing of them all.
Sebastian Smythe made him feel loved.
“There’s a forecast of some light showers tonight,” Sebastian was saying beside him. “Which is perfect
because you always said the sound of rain makes you sleepy. Hopefully you won’t even be awake to hear it
when it starts but just in case. Helps.”
Kurt hummed in response as he sipped his tea. He didn’t have the energy to say anything and Sebastian
didn’t seem to be waiting for an answer. When he finished the last drags of his drink, Sebastian took the
cup from his hands and went to place it in the kitchen. The candlelight danced on his face as he made his
way back to Kurt. It was darker here than it had been in the kitchen and his face was enveloped by
shadows once again and yet, Kurt could still make out his smile.
“Everything okay?” he asked as he sat down.
“Yeah,” Kurt said with a nod.
“You want to lie down?”
“No.”
He could feel the exhaustion of last night and this morning crashing down on him but the calm that had
settled over his mind was giving way to feverish thoughts again. He drew his knees up to his chest and
starting rocking back and forth, unaware of what he was doing. He hated admitting it to himself, but he
was too scared to sleep.
“Kurt,” Sebastian’s voice was right next to his ear, close enough that it almost felt like he was in his head.
“Just try to sleep. Please?”
“I can’t,” Kurt whispered feeling smaller than ever as he curled in on himself.
“You won’t be able stay awake forever.”
“I can try.”
Sebastian laughed softly at that. “No, baby. You really can’t.” When Kurt didn’t say anything, Sebastian
sighed. “Will you at least lie down?”
Kurt didn’t look at Sebastian as he settled on his back. He felt Sebastian shuffle a little before he was
moving in closer, his head propped up on an elbow as he looked down at Kurt.
“Now close your eyes,” he said, barely above a whisper.
That wasn’t something Kurt wanted to do, no matter how heavy his eyelids felt. He knew what he would
see if he did. No amount of clearing his mind of thoughts would erase the images of the accident. They’d
come rushing back to him just like they had last night and with it, the woman’s scream and the raised
voices of him and Sebastian’s fighting.
Sebastian seemed to know what Kurt was thinking – he seemed to know that a lot lately – and touched his
hand to Kurt’s cheek. “I’m here,” was all he said.
Kurt closed his eyes, breathing through his nose and trying his best to block all thoughts, all sounds and
voices that weren’t part of the present. The rain had started up outside but it wasn’t as loud as it had been
last time. He got a few moments of relatively comfortable silence until his brain reminded him that
Sebastian was probably staring at him right now and his eyes flew open.
Sebastian wasn’t staring at him; he’d moved on to his back next to him and his eyes were fixed on the
ceiling. He turned his head when he sensed Kurt’s gaze and frowned, “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Kurt said, turning his own gaze to the ceiling. The throbbing had returned to his head and he
unconsciously reached up to press his fingers to the ache. Sebastian shifted, drawing Kurt’s hand away and
replacing it with his own. Kurt wanted to protest but Sebastian spoke up before he could say anything.
“Painkillers not helping?”
“Apparently not,” Kurt said.
Sebastian shifted even closer, his arm curving around Kurt’s body so his hand could cradle his head. Not a
single other part of them was touching and Kurt was thankful for the care Sebastian was taking with
everything.
He made a small noise of approval deep in his throat when Sebastian pressed his thumb against Kurt’s
temple. His fingers splayed out over his ear, digging gently into his scalp and massaging it in slow circles.
Kurt’s eyes fluttered closed again as Sebastian continued to work his hand around his head, smoothing
along the balls of pain in a well practiced motion.
He wondered if this was something Sebastian did whenever Kurt had a bad day or if he was only doing this
because of their current situation. Did he come home from work to the same care and devotion every day?
Probably not considering how they’d been fighting in the weeks prior to the accident.
But Sebastian had said they kept each other sane. Maybe in between all the fighting, there had been little
gestures that showed they still loved each other, still cared?
Kurt thought of how he’d texted Blaine the night at Scandals asking if he’d got home okay even after how
things had ended between them in the parking lot. The thing about Blaine was, there had never been a
point where he didn’t remember liking him. They had gone from best friends to boyfriends in the span of a
few months and it had felt like the most natural thing in the world. The love hadn’t been something they
had needed to develop – it had already been there.
Sebastian though, was a completely different story. If Kurt disregarded everything he’d felt in the past few
days about the boy, if he went back and placed himself in his shoes when he had been eighteen, love
would have been the last emotion he thought of when it came to Sebastian. How had they moved past all
that bitterness between them, how had they fallen in to a love so strong that they’d committed to it
forever?
How?
Kurt had seen the comments on pictures dating back to 2016 when he and Sebastian had just started
becoming friends. Comments like, Oh god, watching you two fight was the best part of my night. and Both
of you should not be allowed at a party together, too many insults flying around to keep things peaceful.. It
was a sharp contrast to the comments on photographs a couple of years down the road with the two of
them sitting with their arms around each other; Fucking cuteness. Cannot handle it.. Just get married
already.
He’d missed the years of slowly falling in love, of realizing that no matter what, they were it for each other.
Were they?
We were going to be fine Sebastian’s voice echoed in his head. We always are.
I hope so a small part of Kurt said. I want us to be
He didn’t know if it was the idea of a husband who loved him that appealed to him or the thought that it
was Sebastian. Sebastian who he had hated and who had somehow grown to love him more than anything
else in the world.
Kurt fell asleep somewhere in between his thoughts, floating through a dreamless sleep but after what felt
like a few scarce minutes, the calm and comfort gave way to panic.
He could feel the familiar clenching in his stomach, hear the rising volume of screams – his, Sebastian’s, the
woman’s, he didn’t know. He knew what was coming and he was desperate to get away from it before he
saw it all happen again. His legs felt like jelly – or stone. Either way, he was rooted to the spot, swinging his
head wildly from side to side looking for an escape.
He saw Sebastian across the street and called out to him but Sebastian didn’t see him. Kurt tried to move
again but the scene shifted and he was standing over a car wreck, blood and broken glass everywhere. This
couldn’t be his accident, a sane part of his brain supplied. How would he know what the wreck looked liked
from this perspective? And that couldn’t be his blood, there was too much of it – enough to kill a man.
He felt sick, invisible in the crowd of people gathered around him. But no matter how much he wanted to
run away from the scene, something kept pulling him closer. He didn’t have to push people aside, he floated
right through them as if they were nothing but wisps of air. When he got to the front, he found the source
of blood and his stomach lurched, heart speeding up to a pace fast enough that it felt as if it would beat
right out of his chest.
No, the blood wasn’t his. It was Sebastian’s.
Kurt gasped, eyes flying open. He couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything except blink and pant harshly as his
heart rate slowed down. His face was turned towards the windows but he couldn’t make out anything
except the darkness. When he finally regained some feeling in his limbs, he turned on his side, eyes seeking
out Sebastian’s form. He was asleep an arm’s length away from Kurt, leg thrown out so his toes were
brushing Kurt’s calf. Kurt slid closer to him, his hand shaking when he reached out to touch his arm.
Sebastian jerked even though the touch had been light. “Kurt?”
Kurt didn’t reply, just slid closer, willing the pounding in his heart to slow down. Sebastian seemed to think
he’d had another flashback because, as always, he said “I’m here.”
His words meant so much more now. Kurt pressed his face into his shoulder, curling an arm around
Sebastian’s middle to hold him close. The warm, solid weight of him was enough to normalize the erratic
patterns of his beating heart. Sebastian held him quietly and after a few minutes, Kurt thought that he’d
gone back to sleep. He tilted his head, brushing his lips along the sleep warm skin of Sebastian’s jaw.
It wasn’t a kiss. It was a reassurance.
Sebastian’s arm tightened around him and Kurt’s heart skid to a sudden stop – Sebastian was still awake.
He didn’t say anything though, not even when Kurt slipped out of his arms and turned on his other side
again.
Closing his eyes gave way to the same bloodied image of Sebastian’s body but Kurt forced himself to block
it out. When he was young, he used to build up extended fantasies in his head to push out the lingering
fear of whatever nightmare he’d woken up from. He tried to do that now but nothing stuck, the same
images kept popping up
The blankets shifted and Sebastian’s chest brushed against his back, an arm encircling Kurt’s waist.
Sometimes, when building fantasies hadn’t work, Kurt had go into his parent’s room and curled up into a
little ball between them. His mother used to reach out and pull him against her chest in her sleep and Kurt
fell asleep feeling safe and loved in her arms.
His body seemed to associate Sebastian’s arms with the same safety and love because Kurt found himself
being lulled into sleep again and this time, the only thing he saw when he closed his eyes was a picture
Sebastian had posted on his Facebook with the caption </a>Somehow, you managed to show me love isn’t
completely worthless after all. I love you, Kurt.
Chapter 24
“You sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Sebastian asked when they pulled up in front of the
hospital.
Kurt unbuckled his seatbelt and shook his head. “I want to talk to her on my own, if that’s okay.”
“Of course it is. Just tell me everything important, okay?”
“I will,” Kurt said with a small smile.
Sebastian seemed to visibly relax at the assurance. “I have to drop by the office and pick up some
paperwork,” he said. “I’ll be back in an hour. Call me if you’re free before that.”
“I still don’t have a phone,” Kurt pointed out.
“We’ll fix that by tonight,” Sebastian said with a grin. “Until then, use the hospital’s. You have my card?”
When Kurt nodded, Sebastian leaned over the gearshift and kissed his cheek, lips lingering long enough for
Kurt’s eyes to flutter closed before he pulled away. “I’ll see you in an hour.”
_
Kurt wasn’t called in until a quarter past eleven. Doctor Hendricks smiled when she saw him. “I was
wondering when you were going to come in for a follow up,” she said, gesturing for him to take a seat.
“How’re things?”
Kurt took a deep breath before he started talking; he told her everything from the flashbacks and the
insomnia to the headaches and disorientation that followed. Doctor Hendricks listened in silence until he
finished talking.
“The flashbacks are completely normal,” she assured him. “Even in patients without amnesia, its common
for certain sounds or images to trigger memories of trauma.”
“There isn’t always a trigger, though.” Kurt said, remembering the night he’d flashed back just as Sebastian
had leaned in to kiss him. “Not anything obvious, at least.”
“Well the fear of the accident is embedded in your brain. For some people, they’ll try to block it out, for
others, it keeps coming back no matter what. You don’t necessarily need a trigger.”
“So if flashbacks to traumatic events happen to everyone, it’s not a sign that my memories are coming
back?”
“It could be a starting point.” she said. “Have you recalled anything other than the accident itself?”
Kurt nodded. “I had a fight with my husband that morning, just before I left. I remember snippets of the
conversation.”
“And you’ve actively been trying to remember things?” she asked as she started to shuffle through his
folder, pulling out the blood reports and PET scans that had been taken shortly after he’d woken up.
“Yes,” Kurt said with another affirming nod. “I’ve looked at pictures and read through my planners but
nothing really helps. Sometimes I get a sense of deja vu or connect certain scents with emotions but as far
as actual memories go, I don’t have much.”
Doctor Hendricks still had her eyes fixed on a report in her hand. She didn’t look worried and that
comforted Kurt, especially when she looked back up at him and gave him another smile. “Like I said before,
there’s no neurological damage present from what your tests show. It’s just a case of psychogenic
amnesia. Your memories aren’t lost forever.”
“How long until I get them back?” Kurt asked, fully aware of the slightest hint of childishness to his tone.
“It’s difficult to say,” Doctor Hendricks said in a gentle voice. “In most cases, memories don’t come back in
one big sweep. It’s a gradual process; you’re probably going to get disconnected pieces of information as
you go along. You mentioned that certain scents help you?
Kurt nodded, not wanting to elaborate on the body wash incident when it wasn’t required. “Yes,” he said.
“But in the abstract sense.”
“Try narrowing your focus on what you want to remember,” she said. “Instead of looking at pictures
spanning ten years, try a month. Pick events you’re emotionally invested in. There’s a greater chance that
it’ll prompt your memory. It’ll also help if you keep a diary, track the memories as they come by so when
you go back to them, things will start fitting like the pieces of a puzzle.”
She dissuaded him from doing anything that might cause him unneeded stress. That ruled out going back
to work, not that Kurt had planned on it so soon. He didn’t even know the details of what he did, nor did
he have any idea how he was going to go about it without college or work experience. He’d simply had
been hoping to get some part of his life back on track. Doctor Hendricks shook her head when he told her
that, “It’s too soon. You can’t put that much strain on yourself, it’s not going to help your memory and it’ll
only worsen your insomnia.”
Kurt hadn’t woken up a single time after he’d fell asleep with Sebastian’s arms around last night. He
thought of that when Doctor Hendricks pulled a pad of paper and a pen towards her. “I’m reluctant to
prescribe any heavy medication to help jog your memory just yet,” she said. “I’ll give you some light
relaxants that’ll help you sleep and your headaches but that should be about it.”
“And if they don’t work?” Kurt asked as he took the prescription paper from her.
“We’ll see what we can do then.”
_
Sebastian was tapping his fingers impatiently against the steering wheel when Kurt climbed into the
passenger seat. He waited until Kurt had his seatbelt fastened before he asked, “How’d it go?”
“Good,” Kurt said, leaning back in the seat. “I got my questions answered at least.” He proceeded to give
Sebastian a low down of the basics, only pausing when Sebastian had a question of his own. Kurt could see
him slowly relaxing once he assured him that according to Doctor Hendricks, everything was normal – from
the flashbacks to the headaches. “She actually told me it was progress just before I left,” he said. “And that
hopefully by the time I go in for my next appointment, I’ll have regained a few more memories.”
“Let’s hope so,” Sebastian said as he took a turn. Kurt’s eyes flickered over Sebastian to the window where
the road was curving but he didn’t so much as bat an eye. It was easier to be on the road when he was with
Sebastian and the vehicle in question wasn’t a cab. Everything somehow seemed easier with Sebastian
which was funny considering how Sebastian had been the center of his worries when he’d first learned the
truth about their situation.
They stopped to pick up some supplies on the way home. Kurt turned the topic to Sebastian’s work, asking
him when he was due back. A small part of him wished the answer was not for a while. He didn’t want to
be the one left behind feeling useless in the apartment while everyone around him went back to their lives.
“I start next Monday,” Sebastian said, picking up a carton of milk and putting it in their cart. “I was working
from home when you were in hospital and my partner was covering for me where he could so I was able to
get this week off completely. I would have extended my leave but I can’t with all the work that’s piled up.”
He cast an apologetic look to Kurt and it reminded him of what Sebastian had said about work being crazy
a few weeks ago. God knows how many deals or cases or whatever the hell Sebastian dealt with – he’d
missed just to spend time with Kurt.
“Raspberry chocolate or peanut butter cup?”
“Huh?” Kurt lifted his head from the cart to see Sebastian holding up two cartons of ice cream.
“For tonight,” he said, shaking both cartons as if to weigh the contents. “What do you want?”
Kurt was confused. “What’s tonight?”
Either Sebastian didn’t hear him or he ignored him because all he did was say, “Let’s take both,” and
placed the ice creams in the cart next to the milk.
“What’s tonight?” Kurt repeated when they started walking again.
“Movie night,” Sebastian said with a grin. “We’ve got to start getting you up to date with the
entertainment industry. You are way too behind on pop culture.”
Kurt smiled as Sebastian started sorting through fruits. “I was actually hoping to call my dad for dinner
tonight,” he said. “I’ve been meaning to cook anyway and I have a lot to talk about what with all the brand
new information Rachel gave me yesterday.”
Sebastian looked a little crestfallen but he covered it up well. “Yeah, sure. We can still do the movie
afterwards, right?”
Kurt nodded and said, “Yeah,” as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Aside from the ice cream, Kurt was surprised at the lack of junk food in their cart. He’d shopped with Blaine
and Finn before; he was used to the ratio of 1: 5 when it came to actual food and poor excuses for food.
“You’re health conscious?” he couldn’t help but ask.
“What, no.” Sebastian said with a laugh. “Well, I mean. I got the gym regularly but I’m not really picky
about what I eat in terms of calories. Why?”
Kurt had meant to comment on the lack of crisps and sodas in their cart, meant to make a reference about
past experiences with boys and their eating habits but all that came out was, “You’re in good shape.”
Sebastian’s face lit up with a grin so wide, it was a wonder his face didn’t split in half. “Oh, am I?”
His tone had the same, obnoxious teasing lilt to it that Kurt remembered. It was so easy to slip back into
the cool persona he’d used to deal with Sebastian back in high school. “Don’t flatter yourself, Sebastian.”
He said with a roll of his eyes.
“I’m not the one doing the flattering here, Kurt.”
“It was just an observation,” he said, posture defensive but voice unaffected. “You’re in good shape, just
like that man clearly isn’t.” He nodded towards a man in his mid forties, browsing a row of nacho dips to
their right.
The grin was still plastered to his face but Sebastian didn’t tease him any further. Kurt knew there was no
way the blush on his face wasn’t showing but at least this way, he got to hold on to his dignity.
_
“Wow, this place is a freaking mess,” Sebastian said when they walked through the front door. Kurt felt
momentarily guilty, remembering the careless way he’d tossed things to the ground last night until he
realized Sebastian was only talking about the lounge. Their bedding was still strewn across the floor, the
blinds hadn’t been lifted and the apartment smelled slightly stale.
They hadn’t had a chance to clean up this morning. Kurt had woken up with Sebastian plastered to his back
at quarter past ten and nothing, not even their close proximity was able to distract him from the fear of
being late to his appointment.
“You clean this up,” Kurt said as he walked over to the kitchen and deposited their groceries on the
counter. “I have a meal to cook.”
“Let’s have lunch first?” Sebastian said, lifting the blinds to let in some light. “We never got to have
breakfast and I’m hungry.”
“You go ahead,” Kurt said with a wave of his hand, already pulling out ingredients he needed. “I don’t want
anything just yet.”
Sebastian threw together a sandwich, glaring at Kurt when he smirked at the way he cut the corners of the
bread. “Don’t you dare laugh at me,” he said. “You make smiley faces with maple syrup on your pancakes.”
He grinned smugly when Kurt scowled and turned away.
Chapter 25
When the intercom buzzed, signalling Burt’s arrival, Kurt abandoned the salad he had been tossing to
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