Hendricks again. And,” he pressed when Kurt opened his mouth to say something. “- I don’t care what lies
you tell Burt, but you have to be honest with me.”
“I am being honest with you,” Kurt said.
“I know,” Sebastian said. “But I also know how you shut people out when you’re dealing with things and I
swear, if you try and do that with me I’ll -” he didn’t know how to end that sentence so he just said, “Just
please. Don’t cut me out, okay?”
Kurt pressed his lips together, looking slightly annoyed but he nodded. “Fine.”
Sebastian held out his hand, grinning when Kurt took it without hesitation.
__
Kurt was about to climb into bed when there was a knock on his bedroom door. “What is it Sebastian?” he
called out.
The door opened and Sebastian leaned against the frame, arms crossed over his chest. His figure was
outlined in the darkness by the light spilling in from the hallway and Kurt took a moment to appreciate for
the first time just how tall he was.
“What do you want?” he asked, trying to keep his voice neutral.
“I realized something.” Sebastian said, pushing off from the doorframe and walking over to where Kurt
stood by the bed. “We never officially ended our date.”
“Seriously?” Kurt couldn’t help a small grin. “You wait until we’re in our night suits to decide it’s a good
time?”
Sebastian shrugged. “Why not?”
He stepped closer, one hand coming down to rest lightly on Kurt’s waist and Kurt tensed, his smile
faltering. He knew if he wanted, he could pull away. All he would have to do is tell Sebastian to stop and he
would. But he didn’t say anything.
Instead, he held Sebastian’s gaze and stayed right where he was. His stomach clenched just the slightest bit
- not in the sickening way it had during the flashback - but in the way it used to whenever Blaine had kissed
him. A warm, pleasant fluttering that made him want to shiver. His eyes closed mostly on instinct when
Sebastian leaned in, his heart stuttering in anticipation –
”Look out!”
Kurt jerked away, Sebastian’s grip around his waist the only thing that kept him from stumbling backwards.
He could hear Sebastian calling his name somewhere in the distance but his ears were once again filled
with the sound of the woman’s shrill scream, loud and piercing. There was nothing he could do except
close his eyes against the sudden flash of images. They didn’t make sense, they weren’t even in sequence.
All they did was fill him with a slow, painful dread and the familiar burning need to get to Sebastian.
There was something different this time though. A clawing feeling of guilt beneath everything else, a kind
of regret.
“What is your problem Kurt?! Seriously, just TELL me already -”
“WE NEED SOME HELP HERE! SOMEBODY CALL AN AMUBLANCE!”
“ - Oh great. Let’s turn this on me. Because obviously I’m the one who’s creating problems right?”
“Sir, are you okay? Can you hear me?”
“- What the fuck do you want from me, Kurt?”
“- Sometimes you make me regret marrying you!”
A door slams.
Glass shatters.
“Kurt, wait!”
A woman screams.
“Sebastian -”
“I’m here.” The woman’s screaming was fading. Sebastian’s voice clearer, closer now. “I’m here, Kurt.”
Chapter 20
When he opened his eyes again, his cheek was pressed to Sebastian’s shoulder.
Everything went quiet, like someone had turned off a switch and blocked out all sound except for the echo
of his own harsh breaths. Feeling returned to his limbs one by one and he became aware of the fact that
he had both his arms around Sebastian; one curved around his shoulder, the other pressed to his back.
“What is happening?” he whispered.
Sebastian turned his head, his mouth brushing against the shell of Kurt’s ear. “Did you flashback to the
accident again?”
“It was more than that this time.” Kurt wanted to move away so he could see Sebastian’s expression when
he said the next few words but the desire to stay pressed close to him was still running through his blood
hot and urgent. It took an immense amount of effort to pull free of Sebastian’s arms and look him in the
eye. “We were fighting.”
Sebastian’s lips parted as if he was about to say something but all that came out was a shaky breath. “I
can’t believe this,” he said, running a hand through his hair. He looked both angry and sad. “Of all the
things, all the things you could have remembered about us – you remember us fighting.”
Kurt ignored the flare of irritation that sparked in him at the words - it wasn’t like he had any control over
what he remembered. With as much patience as he could, he asked “What were we fighting about?”
“What do you know so far?”
Kurt closed his eyes, bright dots of lights forming the image of jagged glass and blurred doorways behind
his eyelids. “Something about how I regretted marrying you -” he looked at Sebastian to see how his jaw
was clenched tightly. No trace of anger anymore, just plain sadness. The realization came with a small gasp
and Kurt was surprised he hadn’t made the connection until now. “Oh my god,” he breathed. “Was that
the last thing I said to you before the accident?”
Sebastian blinked and looked away, turning his face to stare out the windows. “Yes,” he said quietly.
No wonder he’d felt such a crushing sense of regret during this flashback. Kurt had thought he was going to
die in the accident and that the last thing he would’ve said to Sebastian would have been how he regretted
marrying him.
He imagined getting the call with the news of the accident, imagined how it must have felt to watch your
husband lying motionless in a coma not knowing if he was going to wake up or not and then, when he
finally did, he imagined how it must have felt to deal with the knowledge that he no longer loved you.
Sebastian’s Kurt surfaced in a wave of fierce protectiveness and empathy.
Feeling his pain as strongly as it was his own and refusing to let himself be the cause of it.
“I am so sorry,” he found himself saying.
“What the hell are you sorry for?” Sebastian asked, looking back at him. “You don’t even know if it was
your fault.”
“I’m not sorry for the fight,” Kurt said. “I’m sorry about everything after it.” Sebastian sat down on the bed
and sighed, staring at his hands. Kurt watched his slumped posture for a moment before asking, “Was it
my fault?”
“It was both of our’s.” Sebastian said. There was a pause, a huff of breath and then, “The last couple of
weeks before the accident weren’t exactly the best for us. I don’t mean us us but like, for you and me.
Work was driving both of us crazy for different reasons and we were just – we were on edge practically all
the time. But I think we were also the only ones keeping each other sane. Fighting is kind of our favorite
form of stress relief. Well – you know,” he turned his head just enough for Kurt to catch the corner of the
smile. “Except for sex.”
Kurt resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “So that morning -”
“You hadn’t slept all night, I was being a dick - things got more heated than usual.”
“But I walked out -”
“ – to go to work.” Sebastian cut in. “Kurt. I don’t know how much you remember of that morning but I
promise you, both of us felt equally stupid after you left. I knew you would come back. I was going to call in
sick and spend the whole day thinking of some romantic way to make it up to you and we were going to be
fine. We always are.”
Kurt was quiet. On one hand, he wanted to lean over and wrap his arms around Sebastian again, hold him
tightly for all the nights he hadn’t been able to. On the other hand, he suddenly wanted to be alone again
and collect his thoughts – about how he had felt about Sebastian before the accident and how he felt right
now after tonight.
“Today’s kind of been a long day,” he said, hoping it would be enough of a hint for Sebastian.
It was. Sebastian sniffed, rubbed a hand down his face once and nodded. “Yeah. I should let you get to
bed.”
The truth was that Kurt had been about to settle back with his laptop and browse through pictures again
without Sebastian watching his every reaction but he played along and said, “Thanks.”
Sebastian made a move to stand up but surprised Kurt by darting in to kiss him on the cheek. Kurt was too
taken aback to do anything but stare at him when he pulled back and grinned. "And so ends our date."
Chapter 21
Sebastian was woken up by the buzzing of their intercom. Three weeks ago, he would have rolled over,
thrown a leg over Kurt’s hip and gone right back to sleep but the fear that had been instilled in him since
the accident made him stand up. That wasn’t to say he was any less grumpy about the prospect of having
to leave the comfort of his bed. He stumbled towards the intercom, swearing the whole way with his eyes
still half closed and when he finally pressed the button, all he said was, “Who the fuck are you and what do
you want?”
“Is that how you greet your guests?”
“Rachel,” Sebastian said through clenched teeth, trying to keep his voice calm. “It is seven in the morning
on a Sunday.”
“I’ve got bagels, coffee and blueberry muffins.”
Sebastian sighed, dropping his forehead to the wall. She knew he had him at that. “Come on up.”
Of all of Kurt’s old friends, getting on Rachel’s good side had been the hardest. When he and Kurt had first
started hanging out, she had been hell bent on the notion that Sebastian was trying to corrupt Kurt and
was secretly gathering blackmail material on him that would inevitably destroy his career and his life. He
guessed the trust issues were a given considering how he’d photoshopped naked pictures of her fiance
back in high school but like – he’d apologized. Rachel and Finn weren’t even together anymore. There was
a point where you had to let go of the past and move on.
Kurt, who listened to her rambling from one ear, pushed it all out through the other with a roll of his eyes,
very helpfully pointed out how Sebastian was still just as big of a jerk to her as he had been in high school
so there was no reason for her to let go of anything. And, okay maybe Sebastian did make fun of her career
a lot. At that point, it hadn’t taken off and the topic itself was too sensitive for anyone to touch, let alone
Sebastian but he got a kick out of annoying her even more than Kurt. Unlike him, all Rachel had done was
fume and splutter and get irritated to the point of exploding.
It was only after he and Kurt had started officially dating that she’d made an effort to put aside her
prejudice.
“Look Sebastian, Kurt means a lot to me okay? He’s been there for me through all of my past affairs -”
“Failed affairs you mean.”
“- and if he’s chosen to let you love him -”
“Hang in there Streisand, there’s no love involved -”
“ – then it’s my duty as his friend to try and be supportive of his relationship even if I know it’s going to
meet an inevitable, heartbroken end. Rest assured, when it does, I’m going to be sitting next to him with a
bucket of ice cream and a shoulder to cry on. But until then, I have made a decision to give you a chance.”
Somewhere along the way, they had eventually ended up becoming friends just like Sebastian had ended
up falling in love with Kurt.
Rachel gave him a tentative smile when he opened the door. She looked too fresh and chirpy for someone
at this time of day on a Sunday. Sebastian narrowed his eyes at her, reaching for the box of muffins in her
hands. “You’re not forgiven yet.”
“Good morning to you too, Sebastian,” she said, stepping in to the apartment. “Where’s Kurt?”
“Sleeping,” he said, flipping the top of the box and inhaling the scent of freshly baked muffins.
“I’m going to go wake him up.” Rachel said, striding towards the bedroom.
“Oh no you’re not.” Sebastian said, grabbing her arm and steering her instead towards the kitchen stools.
“He had a long day yesterday. You may have destroyed my morning. You’re not destroying his.”
“You’ve taken the bribe, you can no longer keep nagging me,” she said, looking pointedly at the muffin he
was currently devouring. Sebastian rolled his eyes and leaned against the counter as Rachel picked up a
muffin for herself. “I feel so bad for not coming by sooner but you know how things are with rehearsals for
next week. But anyway - details. How’s he feeling? What have you guys been up to?”
“He’s better than when you last saw him at least.” Sebastian said, washing down his muffin with some
coffee.
“And how are things between the two of you?” she asked in a softer tone.
“Good. I mean, he’s not wearing his ring or anything but he’s accepted that we’re married. He’s trying
hard, I’ll give him that. We even managed to go on a date yesterday and -” he was cut off by an excited
squeal. A roll of his eyes followed and then, “Seriously Rachel. You are such a girl sometimes.”
“Shut up,” she said, leaning over the counter and poking his shoulder. “More about this date.”
“We just walked around Central Park and had coffee before meeting Burt for dinner,” Sebastian said as if it
wasn’t a big deal. As if his heart hadn’t been pounding at every smile, every little touch Kurt had given him
the whole night.
“So has Kurt remembered anything yet?” Rachel asked, sipping her own coffee. “I know it might be too
optimistic at this point but I had to ask.”
“We went through pictures on his Facebook yesterday,” Sebastian said, mentally debating on whether or
not to tell her about the flashback. He decided not to. “We’re working on it.”
Rachel gave him a small smile. “You’ll get there,” she picked at her muffin, looking thoughtful. “Oh by the
way, I spoke to Blaine -” Sebastian stiffened at the mention of his name but Rachel didn’t notice. “- he said
you two haven’t been in touch.”
“Did he tell you why?” Sebastian asked, taking another sip of coffee and savoring the sweet-bitter taste on
his tongue for a moment before swallowing.
“Apparently he said, and I quote ‘I fucked up’.” She fixed him with a look that demanded explanation. “He
sounded pretty upset but he wouldn’t tell me anything.”
The sound of a door opening interrupted Sebastian’s reply and Rachel, forgetting all about Blaine, was out
of her chair before Kurt had even walked out of the hall. She threw herself at Kurt hard enough to make
him stumble backwards but his face still lit up with a laugh.
Except – Sebastian frowned. Kurt’s eyes were bloodshot and exhausted and he knew it couldn’t just be
from a lack of sleep.
“Did Rachel wake you?” he asked as the two of them made their way back to the kitchen counter.
Rachel glared at him but Kurt shook his head and said, “I was up already.”
“Sleep well?” Sebastian’s voice was just sharp enough to let Kurt know he wouldn’t believe him if he tried
to lie.
“Not really.”
“Kurt, if you’re tired, you can go back to sleep.” Rachel said, laying a hand over his. “The only reason I’m
here so early -”
“Oh, so you have a reason too? I just thought you made a habit of showing up at people’s doors at the
crack of dawn to ruin the rest of their day.”
Rachel paused to glare at Sebastian some more. “Bribe,” she reminded him before turning back to Kurt.
“Today is the only day I don’t have rehearsals and I’ve made sure to clear my schedule so I could spend it
with you. It’s really hard to get free time lately and I have been the worst friend ever. I really should have
been here sooner but -”
“Rachel,” Kurt cut her off, closing his eyes and pressed his fingers to his temple. “It’s fine. Just – talk a little
softer please?”
“Are you okay?” Sebastian asked, staring at Kurt with no little amount of concern.
“Yeah,” Kurt said with a nod. Sebastian would have pressed for details but Kurt gave him a quick look that
promised he’d tell him whatever was wrong later. If Sebastian had his way, he would have locked Rachel in
the bathroom and not let her out until he was done talking to Kurt but Kurt seemed genuinely happy to see
her, even if his smile made his face look more tired than happy.
So Sebastian let the two of them talk, focusing on the muffins instead (fuck, they were delicious). It was
only when Rachel’s phone rang and she excused herself to go into the hall and answer it that he looked
back at Kurt and found him sliding off the stool to walk around the kitchen counter and get to him.
“When are you scheduling the appointment with Doctor Hendricks?” he asked in a low voice.
“Uh,” Sebastian was taken aback by the question and the almost scared look on Kurt’s face was making
him nervous. “I was going to get one for tomorrow since I don’t know if she’ll be available on a Sunday. But
-” he added quickly. “If you want, I could pull a few strings and have her see you today.”
“No, I guess tomorrow’s fine.” Kurt said shaking his head.
“What’s wrong?” Sebastian asked, reaching up to touch the tired lines of Kurt’s face with his fingers.
Kurt sighed and closed his eyes, just barely turning his face into the touch. “They won’t stop,” he
whispered. “The nightmares – flashbacks, I can’t even tell the difference anymore. They won’t stop. I think
I barely slept for two hours last night.”
“Fuck, Kurt. Why didn’t you wake me?” Sebastian asked, spreading his hand so he was cupping Kurt’s face
more firmly.
“What would you have done if I had? There was no point.”
“Let me decide the point next time, okay?” Sebastian said, smoothing his thumb along Kurt’s cheekbone.
“God, you look horrible.”
Kurt scowled and pulled Sebastian’s hand away from his face. “Thanks. That’s exactly what I wanted to
hear right now.”
Sebastian couldn’t help but grin just a little as Kurt turned his back to inspect the food Rachel had brought.
Before he could talk himself out of it, he stepped closer and pressed the length of his body up against
Kurt’s back, not missing the sharp intake of breath and a dull thump that might have been Kurt dropping
the bagel he’d picked up. Taking the fact that he hadn’t pushed him away yet as a good sign, Sebastian
slipped his arms around Kurt’s middle.
“No matter how horrible you look,” he said, brushing his mouth over Kurt’s temple. “You will always be my
Kurt and I will always love you.” He dragged his ring finger over Kurt’s stomach so he could feel the band
dig into his skin like a promise. “Old and wrinkly is kind of the end deal here.”
Kurt was very still and for a second, Sebastian worried if he might have taken it too far. Kurt had started
becoming a little easier around him as far as physical comfort was concerned but this may have been a bit
too direct. Just as he was about to pull away and apologize, Kurt laid his hand over Sebastian’s, spreading
his fingers over the back of his.
“Sometimes,” he whispered. “You -”
“Sorry about that,” Rachel said, walking back out. Kurt immediately slipped out of Sebastian’s arm and
turned away from him.
Sebastian’s hand remained hovering in the air for a second before he clenched it into a fist and brought it
back down to his side. He wanted to punch something. Hard. Why couldn’t Rachel’s stupid call have lasted
for a split second longer? Just until Kurt had finished saying whatever he’d been saying.
Rachel sat down again and set her phone on the counter, beaming. “That was my boyfriend.”
“You have a boyfriend?” Kurt asked, his voice just an octave higher than before.
Rachel’s smile turned sad and Sebastian felt his frustration give way to sympathy. He could see the
realization that something was wrong (no, nothing is wrong with Kurt), that something had changed with
Kurt dawn on her.
“Yes,” she said quietly. “His name’s Eric. You like him.”
Sebastian could tell Kurt was rolling the name on his tongue, trying to see if it sounded familiar but when
nothing came up, he forced a smile and said, “We have a lot of catching up to do.”
“Which is why I’m taking you out,” Rachel said, wiping away the tear at the corner of her eye with a
knuckle.
“Out?” Kurt repeated, raising his eyebrows.
“Yes. So you better finish eating and go put on something fabulous.”
Breakfast took another hour and a half. Not because they were busy eating but because they were too
distracted talking to each other. Well, Kurt and Rachel were too distracted. Sebastian had just called dibs
on the rest of the muffins and went to collapse on the sofa for some Sunday morning TV.
In a way, it was nice to have Rachel there even if she had messed with his sleep. Her presence was
something normal, unlike Burt’s had been. It was easy to pretend this was just another disrupted Sunday
with Kurt and Rachel catching up in person on the week’s gossip while Sebastian grumbled over the lost
opportunity of lazy morning sex.
When Kurt finally got up to change his clothes, Rachel walked over the where Sebastian was sprawled out
and pushed his feet off the couch so she could take a seat. Ignoring the glare he gave her, she angled
herself towards him and said, “You never told me why you and Blaine aren’t on speaking terms.”
Sebastian didn’t look at her when he replied. “It’s nothing.”
“Don’t try and -”
“Rachel,” Sebastian cut in. “I’m aware of how much you like to pry in to other people’s business but this
really doesn’t concern you sweetie, so let it go okay?”
Rachel pressed her lips together, looking slightly offended but Sebastian didn’t feel guilty. As far as he was
concerned, this was something that should remain between Kurt, Blaine and him. Rachel was a good
friend, but Sebastian had never been able to open up to her as easily as he did with Blaine. He’d never
really opened up to anyone other than Blaine – and Kurt for that matter. But Kurt had never required him
to let his guard down; he’d just broken through it on his own.
“Whatever is going on between the two of you,” Rachel said. “Fix it. I wasn’t joking when I said he sounded
upset.”
Although he didn’t appreciate being told what to do, especially since Rachel had no clue what had actually
happened, Sebastian just said, “Yeah. Whatever,” and took comfort in the fact that it was enough for her
to drop the subject and wander into the bedroom after Kurt.
The thing was, he could almost image the sadness and regret in Blaine’s voice when he’d said those words,
the stupid shining honesty in his eyes. He’d seen Blaine make a fair few stupid decisions in the past couple
of years, all three of them have had their share of mistakes. Usually, they’d get together and make fun of
whatever the situation until it stopped hurting and dissolved into another incident to look back upon with
laughter.
But as much as Sebastian wanted to forgive Blaine for kissing Kurt, he didn’t know how. Underneath the
desire to get his best friend back, there was also the selfish fear that having Blaine around them again
would reignite Kurt’s feelings. They’d been doing so well on getting over their past history. With Blaine
there, would Kurt still only turn to him when he was scared, would he still lean into his touches and seek
him out to ask questions or would he find that comfort in Blaine?
He stayed back at the apartment while Rachel and Kurt left with the intention to call Blaine and sort things
out but the second the door closed behind the two of them, Sebastian changed his mind.
A few more days of separation wouldn’t hurt them.
Chapter 22
When Kurt walked through the apartment door sometime after six, it took all of Sebastian’s strength not to
throw himself at him in a vicious hug. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t have thought twice but
somehow, he had a feeling Kurt wouldn’t appreciate being jumped on at the moment. He honestly didn’t
know why a few hours of separation had him this worked up. Maybe the accident had led to him
developing a mild case of separation anxiety. He’d spent the whole day waiting for Kurt to come back, be
nothing but a silent presence on the couch as he slept or browsed his laptop. At least he would have been
in Sebastian’s line of sight.
Rachel had texted him at lunch asking if he wanted to meet them at the restaurant they were headed but
Sebastian had declined, thinking Kurt would want to spend the day with his fried undisturbed, even if it
meant another few hours of torture for Sebastian.
Kurt’s face when he walked through the door didn’t show any traces of enjoyment though. In fact, he
looked even more tired than he had that morning. He didn’t even acknowledge Sebastian’s greeting.
“Kurt, what’s wrong?” Sebastian asked, frowning when Kurt walked past the lounge in long, brisk steps.
“I’m going to go lie down, please don’t come in.” he said, not looking at Sebastian. The bedroom door shut
with a snap behind him and Sebastian’s nerves sparked to life in a wave of uncomfortable worry.
He was tempted to just walk into the bedroom and demand to know what was wrong but the way Kurt had
requested him to stay out kept him where he was. Not for long though because three minutes into the
silence that had settled after Kurt went into the bedroom, Sebastian was out of his seat and striding
towards the hall. He could hear faint noises coming from inside the bedroom, like balls rolling onto the
floor.
“Kurt, I’m coming in.” He called out as a warning before opening the door.
He stopped in his tracks at the sight that greeted him. Kurt was shoving everything in sight on to the floor
with unrestrained anger. A swipe of arm hand sent a row of snow globes to the floor, it was a wonder they
didn’t shatter. Another swing of his hand and he knocked three frames askew. Papers were flying, slipping
loose from the files they’d been in and floating to the ground in a slow dance.
Kurt was in the middle of all it, conducting the destruction of the room without making a single sound.
“Kurt!” Sebastian walked over to him and grabbed him by the arm, stumbling when Kurt shoved him away.
He was breathing heavily as if he’d just run a marathon and from up close, Sebastian could see the tears
streaming down his face. “Kurt,” he said in a horrified whisper. “What happened?”
“What else have I missed, huh?” Kurt said, looking at him with a mixture of anger and helplessness. It took
Sebastian a moment to realize Kurt was simply voicing the continuation of what he’d been thinking while
trashing the room. “As if forgetting getting married to the man I love wasn’t enough -” Sebastian could do
nothing but stare as Kurt turned around and sent a fresh pile of accessories to the floor. “Finn’s son - Dad’s
bypass surgery – Going to Paris -”
Everything Kurt was saying was more a huff of breath than an actual sentence.
“I’ve done things I would never have dreamed of and I don’t remember any of it. I don’t remember
anything except how I got myself into this fucking mess in the first place!”
“Kurt’s it’s not -”
“That fucking accident -” Kurt kicked the floor lamp next to the bookshelf in frustration. “That stupid –
fucking – inattentive driver! I’ve lost everything because of him!”
“No you haven’t -”
“Really?” Kurt rounded on him, eyes red but blazing with rage. “You know what I did after Rachel left? I
told her I’d get a cab and come straight home but I couldn’t even look at one without flashing back to the
accident.” His voice was quivering but Sebastian didn’t dare approach him yet. “So, I decided to call you,
Дата добавления: 2015-09-29; просмотров: 34 | Нарушение авторских прав
| <== предыдущая лекция | | | следующая лекция ==> |