colleagues. He’d hated Kurt since the day they’d met and was always battling him head to head. Kurt had
known exactly how to deal with the bastard and almost always held the upper hand in their silent fights
but right now, Kurt was just vulnerable enough for him to take every kind of sick advantage he could.
“It doesn’t matter who it is,” Kurt said, swallowing thickly.
“Kurt, you tell your supervisor this dick is treating you like that.”
“I would if I wasn’t sure my supervisor was just as annoyed with me,” Kurt said. “Do you know how
embarrassed I was when I showed her the sketch I’d worked on day and night only to be told it was the
exact replica of a piece from Marc Jacobs 2018 spring collection?”
Sebastian stared at him quietly as Kurt’s eyes started to get wet. “I’m telling Maman,” he said. “People like
that shouldn’t be allowed to work at all. How the fuck do they think they can treat you like that and get
away with it? You’re not even fucking working full time yet! They’re supposed to be helping you not - not
bringing you down!” He was shaking, head spinning a little.
Kurt shook his head. “Marie has been nothing but amazing,” he said. “But I don’t blame her for being
irritated. She spent hours with me, going through an overview of what the brand is working on, she
showed me storyboards and old photo shoots and then I spent three days working on my first design and
it’s not even something I created myself but a figment of memory returning at the worst possible time.”
“Baby, this is why I said you shouldn’t go back to work just yet,” Sebastian said, his voice desperate. “We
were both stupid to hope things would work out so quickly but they’re obviously not and your doctor told
you stress wouldn’t be good for you.”
“I’m fine,” Kurt said. “I went to Dr. Hendricks on Wednesday and she said -”
“Wait, wait, what?” Sebastian said, waving his hand to stop Kurt midsentence. “You went to the hospital?”
“Yeah, for a checkup,” Kurt said with a shrug. “I was supposed to go every two weeks.”
“Why the hell did I not know about this?” Sebastian asked.
“You did,” Kurt said with a frown. “I -” his face clouded over, lips forming a small ‘o’ when he realized that
he hadn’t told Sebastian at all. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I honestly thought I’d told you.”
“How can you have thought you told me when you haven’t spoken to me properly in days?”
“I forgot,” Kurt said in a low voice, bending to pick up the fallen shirts.
“This is exactly what I’m talking about, Kurt.” Sebastian said, unable to hide the hurt in his voice now.
“Something as serious as going to your doctor and you didn’t even fucking tell me. How is that treating me
like your husband?”
“It’s not like she said anything life changing.”
“It doesn’t matter - I want to know about this stuff. Why won’t you talk to me about it anymore?”
“I’m not the only one closing off, you know.” Kurt said quietly, stacking the shirts back up again neatly.
Sebastian frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re not being very helpful lately,” Kurt said, still not looking at him. “Whenever I ask you something,
you brush it off.”
“Bullshit,” Sebastian said. “I’m the one trying to get you to fucking open up.”
“Really? What about that night you were smoking and I asked you what was wrong?” Kurt asked.
It was Sebastian’s turn to remain silent. He’d been selfish that night, he knew it. But he’d been feeling
really fucking horrible and had needed Kurt to understand without his help. It was an odd explanation, not
one he could give to Kurt without sounding like a complete dick so he crossed his arms and said, “It was
only that one time. I wasn’t feeling up to talking. What about all the other times I did try?”
Kurt finally looked at him, expression cool. “Those were times when I didn’t feel up to talking.”
Sebastian grit his teeth. “You know what, this is pointless,” he said. “Go on playing the victim here and
ignore everything I’m going through because it doesn’t matter.”
“Look - all you need to know is that there is seriously nothing wrong. I was having some headaches,
nothing a few pills can’t fix. I’m just not used to getting hit by memories as suddenly as they’ve been
coming in these past weeks.”
“What memories?” Sebastian said. “You haven’t told me anything about any memories returning. I’ve been
trying to help you out -”
“I know you have.”
“And yet you still didn’t think I deserved to know more than the spark notes version of your life? Your
doctor’s appointment and the things you’ve remembered. How many of those memories include me?”
“None.” Kurt said quietly.
Sebastian stood stunned for a second before he said, “Sorry, what?”
“None,” Kurt said looking at him with a steady gaze. “You asked how many memories you were in and the
answer is none. I haven’t been able to remember anything about you since I watched our wedding video.”
“But you said that you were frequently remembering things.” Sebastian said with a frown.
Kurt nodded. “Things that have nothing to do with us.”
“What are you remembering then?”
Kurt avoided looking at him, keeping his gaze on the clothes in his hands. “Are you going to help me with
these?”
“Are you going to answer my question?” Sebastian countered.
Kurt sighed, “Sebastian I really don’t want to talk about this right now.”
“Kurt, you can’t just do that every time I -” the rest of his words were muffled by Kurt suddenly grabbing
him by the arm and pulling him into a kiss. It was rough, it was messy, it was everything the past few weeks
had been. Sebastian wasn’t sure if this was Kurt finally understanding that maybe what Sebastian needed
wasn’t just words but touch, or if it was just Kurt’s way to shut him up.
Either way, Sebastian pushed everything they’d said in the past few minutes out of his mind and leaned
into Kurt’s body, pressed their mouths together harder and grabbed Kurt’s forearms to drag him closer.
Kurt bit his lip, tugging at the flesh insistently as his hand slid from Sebastian’s arm up into his hair, tugging
at the strands.
Eventually, the rhythm of their mouths slowed down to a gentler caress and they stayed locked together,
drinking up each other with slow strokes of their tongues and wandering hands. It wasn’t the exact
closeness Sebastian had been craving, but it was enough to soothe the ache. He felt like he understood
Kurt most in this moment. Once the urgency and harshness had melted away, the kiss was equal parts I’m
sorry and I love you. Which was why, when Kurt pulled back, and whispered, “I love you,” Sebastian said “I
love you too” without thinking twice about it.
His eyes were closed, forehead pressed against Kurt’s and both their breaths mingling between them but
when Kurt’s words hit Sebastian, his eyes flew open and he looked at him with wide eyes. Kurt didn’t smile,
he didn’t look happy at all in fact. His expression was a complicated mix of emotions but he’d said that he
loved Sebastian. For the first time in months - he’d said those words aloud.
“Kurt -”
“Remember that,” Kurt said, cutting him off. His voice was shaky, a result of their intense kissing or
because of what he was saying, Sebastian didn’t know. “I love you, even if I don’t say it, even if I don’t wear
my ring or remember anything else about us. I love you and you know it just as much as I feel it so just -
just remember that, okay?”
Sebastian nodded wordlessly and wrapped his arms tighter around Kurt, trying not to think too much
about how it seemed like Kurt was attempting to convince himself of that fact just as much as he was
assuring Sebastian.
Chapter 36
I love you. Remember that
Sebastian tried. Oh he tried. Every time Kurt was in his bad place and took it out on Sebastian, he kept
repeating he loves you, he loves you in head but he still couldn’t shake the feeling that Kurt had used him in
some deeply selfish way. Like he’d known exactly how much Sebastian had been craving an emotional
connection and had only chosen to stop ignoring it when it became something of an advantage to him.
Cutting short their conversation in the laundry room had probably been exactly what Kurt planned on
doing with his kiss and mini speech, it had been nothing more than a diversion.
And Sebastian, the idiot that he became around Kurt, had taken the bait.
The more Sebastian thought about it, the more furious he got, the more unreasonable. Some part of his
brain that hadn’t turned a blind eye to logic argued that everything Sebastian was thinking was complete
bullshit. But the other, angered and hurt part refused to listen.
Really, what proof was there lately that Kurt loved him? When did he do anything that gave weight to his
words? He moved silently around the apartment, eating at different hours, never staying in the same room
as Sebastian for too long and spending and increasing amount of time in the guest-room-slash-study.
It scared him sometimes how far apart they were growing. It hadn’t been like this between them for so
long, they’d always found some way to talk, to work at this - at them together. It hurt so much to have Kurt
close off so suddenly, only giving him occasional glimpses after all the ways he’d trusted Sebastian enough
to let him in after the accident.
Sebastian frequently wished he knew what Kurt thought about while he stared out of the large windows
into the city late at night or what he giggled about in his dreams only to start sobbing quietly when he
woke up. He wished Kurt would stop going to work and pushing himself harder than he should, wished he
would talk to Sebastian, let him reassure him in ways that spoke louder than words.
He continued to crave touch, more so now that Kurt had withdrawn completely. He wanted to run his palm
down Kurt’s spine as he curled up next to him, wanted to kiss the dip of his collarbone and say I’m here in
the way that had calmed Kurt so many times before. He wanted to surround himself with Kurt’s body until
they couldn’t breathe, feel naked skin pressed together, all heat and intimacy.
He kept wanting until he finally decided to stop.
If Kurt was being an asshole, he could be one too. He stopped trying to make Kurt talk to him, stopped
kissing him goodbye in the mornings, stopped making dinner for two on the days it was his turn to cook.
Some part of him hoped Kurt would notice how he was drifting away and that he’d do something to pull
him back in.
Kurt did nothing.
_
It took Sebastian moving back to sleep in the guest room for Kurt to finally notice.
The door creaked open hours after Sebastian had settled in for the night, light spilling in from the hallway.
Sebastian had his back turned to the door so all he saw were the shadows cast on the walls but he could
feel Kurt’s presence as he leaned against the doorframe.
“Sebastian?” His voice was soft, hesitant. Sebastian closed his eyes to fight the aching in his chest. “Are you
awake?” He didn’t reply but Kurt seemed to sense he was because he said, “Come back to bed.”
And god, Sebastian had to clench his teeth and grip his pillowcase tight enough for his knuckles to turn
white in order to keep himself from getting up and going to Kurt. Instead, he swallowed thickly and asked -
because he didn’t have enough self control to stop himself - “Why?”
“Because I can’t sleep,” Kurt said.
“So once again I’m just something that exists solely to help you function better.” His words were bitter but
they were true. Sebastian did exist for Kurt, he’d let Kurt use him, take everything he had to give until there
was nothing left because Kurt was the world to him. But not like this.
His Kurt would never have used him so selfishly, not without giving back as good as he got and this Kurt
hadn’t been thinking much of giving back to Sebastian lately. Sebastian had no obligation to do anything
for him anymore. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice told him he was being a complete idiot
because Kurt was here, asking him to come back to bed, wasn’t that enough?
No the pissed off part retorted.
At the door, Kurt sighed. Sebastian saw the shadow of his hand as he rubbed his forehead. “The bed feels
empty without you,” he said quietly.
The words ripped through his heart but bounced off his brain. Sebastian couldn’t shake the feeling that this
was Kurt trying to manipulate his emotions again to get what he wanted. It made him more sad than it did
angry to think of how Kurt had gone from somewhere who had cared about Sebastian’s feelings even
when he couldn’t remember him to someone who used him to his own advantage knowing full well how
much Sebastian loved him.
“Sebastian?”
Sebastian didn’t move, didn’t say anything.
“Please,” Kurt sounded on the verge of tears.
Sebastian bit down on his lip and inhaled deeply, holding the breath in and willing Kurt to just please leave,
to not make this harder than it already was. It would have been easy to follow Kurt to their bedroom,
believe that his tears and soft words were genuine but the events of the past couple of days were still fresh
in his mind and he was done letting himself get walked over after every time Kurt professed to care about
him.
The door closed with a click, darkness enveloping the room once more. Sebastian exhaled through his
nose, his whole body curling inwards.
_
In the morning, when Sebastian went back to their bedroom to get his clothes for work, he found Kurt
splayed on Sebastian’s side of the bed. He was awake, staring blankly at the window but hadn’t noticed
Sebastian come in. Watching the way his arm was curled around Sebastian’s pillow, holding it to his chest
made Sebastian’s stomach twist with guilt. Maybe Kurt’s tears and words last had been genuine.
Instead of ignoring him and going straight to the closet like he’d planned on doing, Sebastian found himself
walking towards the bed. Kurt lifted his head to glance over his shoulder at the sound of footsteps, eyes
widening when he saw Sebastian.
“I’ve always said my side of the bed was much more comfortable to sleep on.” Sebastian said when he
came to a stop next to the bed.
Kurt stared at him quietly for a second. “It’s really not that different,” he said, his voice croaky. From sleep
or from crying, Sebastian didn’t know.
“I wouldn’t have believed you if the bags under your eyes didn’t scream lack of sleep.” Sebastian said in a
softer tone. Kurt shifted to the side as Sebastian lifted a knee to rest on the mattress next to him. He
wasn’t sure if he was going to crawl over Kurt or lie down beside him, even if he was going to do anything
other than stand with one foot on the ground and one knee brushing Kurt’s side but at the moment, he
wasn’t really thinking of positions. He was thinking of the way Kurt was looking up at him - hesitant,
guarded, a little hopeful.
“You don’t look like you had a very good night either,” Kurt said, eyes raking over Sebastian’s face where
the evidence of the past couple of restless hours must have been showing.
“I didn’t.”
Kurt’s hand brushed his, eyes still trained on Sebastian’s face as if waiting for him to pull it away. When he
didn’t, Kurt tangled their fingers together and squeezed. Sebastian squeezed back.
“Why -” Kurt paused, dropping his gaze to their hands, licking his lips. “Why didn’t you come back last
night?”
“I didn’t want to sleep with someone who would obviously rather sleep alone.” Sebastian said.
“Do I look like I wanted to sleep alone?” Kurt asked, gesturing towards his untouched side of the bed. “I
stayed up all night wishing you were here.”
Though the confession made his heart ache, Sebastian didn’t relent. “One night doesn’t make up for the
million nights before it, Kurt.”
“When did I ever tell you I didn’t want you sleeping with me?”
“When did you ever tell me you did?”
Kurt looked defeated at that. “I know I haven’t exactly been really...anything lately -”
“Oh you have,” Sebastian said lightly. “You’ve been a selfish jerk and a complete insensitive asshole.”
For a second, Kurt looked like he was going to argue but he only pressed his lips together and took a deep
breath. “I’m sorry.” He said, fingers twitching between Sebastian’s. “It’s been a really rough couple of days.
I’m exhausted.”
“Yet, instead of resting and not pressuring yourself, you’re going to get up and go to work later.”
Sebastian could feel the tension slowly creeping up, settling into the air around them. Kurt could probably
feel it too because he shifted restlessly and squeezed Sebastian’s hand harder as if doing so would deflate
some of the tension.
“This has nothing to do with work,” he said calmly.
“It has everything to do with your stupidity.”
“Sebastian, just let it go already okay?” Kurt said, voice no longer controlled but edging on frustrated.
“We’ve talked about this.”
“If those three seconds in the laundry room count as talking.”
Kurt’s fingers tightened almost painfully around Sebastian’s, like he was trying very hard to not let go.
Sebastian knew that if he did, it would break the invisible thread between them that was keeping this
conversation going.
“You’re supposed to support me,” Kurt said slowly, his tone laced with hurt.
“I’m not going to support you being an idiot.” Sebastian said firmly.
Kurt released his hand and Sebastian could almost hear the phantom snap as Kurt began to retreat into
himself. He even shifted to his own side of the bed, turning his back to Sebastian. “You should get going,”
he said in a clipped voice. “You’re going to be late.”
Sebastian got his clothes in silence, nerves itching for a fight that would slap some sense into Kurt but
when he walked out of the closet, Kurt’s eyes were closed. Sebastian could tell he was feigning sleep -
probably to avoid any more conversation. Silently, he made his way out of the bedroom, barely hearing the
sigh Kurt let out as the door shut behind him. In the bathroom, he was so distracted, he cut himself twice
while shaving, used his shampoo in place of body wash and very nearly missed substituting shaving cream
for toothpaste.
He cursed throughout pulling his clothes on only to realize he’d forgotten his tie. “Damn it,” he muttered
as he wrenched open the bathroom door and headed back towards the bedroom. Kurt looked surprised
when Sebastian walked back in, cheeks flushing with sudden color. It took a moment for Sebastian to
realize Kurt had rolled back to his side of the bed and was once again lying with his face buried in
Sebastian’s pillow.
“I forgot my tie,” Sebastian said in response to Kurt’s questioning gaze. “Sorry. Go back to sleep.”
Kurt’s gaze burned through the back of Sebastian’s shirt as he made his way over to the closet. He tried to
ignore him and grabbed the first tie he saw, throwing it around his neck as he walked out.
“That doesn’t go with your shirt, you know.” Kurt spoke up.
Sebastian swallowed the sudden lump in his throat as his mind skipped back to mornings where Kurt would
lie quietly on the bed and watch him dress, occasionally dropping a comment about his clothes or hair. He
glanced at Kurt and found him watching Sebastian with slightly drooped eyes, cheek smushed against his
pillow.
“It looks fine.” Sebastian said, turning away, not wanting to get caught up in another moment that would
inevitably be ruined.
“Do you really want to argue fashion with me?”
“Well if the tie’s bugging you so much, maybe you should get up and give me one that doesn’t offend you
but if you won’t then I’m not going to be yelled at for being late because my husband didn’t approve of my
color coordination.”
To his surprise, Kurt swung his legs off the bed and got up in one graceful move. “You have no color
coordination,” he said, walking past him into the closet.
Sebastian felt an odd rush of adrenaline as he waited for him to come back out, fingers flexing at his sides.
“If you’re planning on bedazzling my outfit with some of your weird accessories, don’t even think about it,”
he called out. “I don’t want to show up to work looking like a clown.”
Kurt emerged with a simple navy blue tie in his hands and gave Sebastian a measuring look before he
stepped closer, tugging at the knot of the tie already around his neck. Sebastian felt heat spread through
his body like wildfire, starting at the places where Kurt’s fingers were brushing the skin of his neck right
down to the tips of his toes. Kurt turned back to drop the tie on the bed before draping the newly selected
one around Sebastian’s neck. His eyes were intent on his hands as they worked on the knot but he looked
like he was preoccupied with something.
“What made you think I wanted to sleep alone?” he asked, eyes still on the tie.
Sebastian watched him silently for a moment before he said, “You’ve been ignoring me again.”
“So have you,” Kurt said quietly.
“Don’t twist things around Kurt.”
Kurt fidgeted with the tie, clearly unsatisfied with the knot and slid it loose so he could start all over again.
“There’s been a lot going on,” he said.
“Work?”
“God, just stop with pestering me about my job,” Kurt said with a frustrated huff. “No, it’s not all about
work. It’s the chaos that is in my head.”
“So instead of talking to me like I asked you to, you ignore me again?”
Kurt paused, eyes flickering up to Sebastian’s before moving back to the tie. The knot was done but Kurt
didn’t remove his hands. “There are some things I’d rather deal with alone.”
“Like what?”
“Like coming to terms with what a huge asshole you were to me when we first met in New York.” Kurt’s
voice was light, almost teasing but there was something heavier underneath, something Sebastian could
tell he was covering up.
“So you have been remembering me,” Sebastian said, raising an eyebrow.
“Bits and pieces,” Kurt said. “Always bits and pieces.”
“It’s better than nothing, right?” Sebastian said, trying to smile but it didn’t quite work out. There were so
many things Kurt could have been remembering about him, things without proper context. That would
explain his random bursts of anger towards Sebastian, why he’d wanted to stay away from him as much as
possible. Oh god, what was he remembering? All attempts at a smile failed, Sebastian frowned. “You know
you really should have talked to me. I bet you’ve been over thinking things like crazy.”
Kurt looked up at him with a cool expression. “And I’m the only one over thinking things right?”
“Why do you throw everything back in my face?” Sebastian asked with a sigh. “Everything I say, it’s never
enough to just shut up and answer me is it?”
Kurt’s eyes dropped to Sebastian’s mouth. “You’ve never been very good at listening either,” he said
before leaning in and close the last bit of distance between them. Sebastian held still when their lips
touched, frantically thinking back to the laundry room, to all the times Kurt had ignored him the past few
days and how he’d sworn he wouldn’t give in like this again but Kurt’s lips were soft, pressing against his
like a sweet apology and Sebastian found himself bringing a hand up to cup his face and keep him there as
he wrapped the other arm low around Kurt’s waist.
It was like so many of their fights, cut off mid conversation so they could finish with saying things through
touches instead of words. Like the way Kurt’s palm slid to left of Sebastian’s tie, coming to a rest over his
heart in a silent I love you, the way Sebastian bit his lip to say I’m still mad at you, this isn’t over. But they
melted into the kiss, making up for an almost week long silence between them. Sebastian’s hand found the
warm skin of Kurt’s lower back where his shirt had ridden up. He flattened his palm against his back and
pushed Kurt’s body closer against his chest. Kurt exhaled a little puff of breath through his nose as
Sebastian’s hand continued to slide up along his spine, shirt bunching around his wrist as he rode it up
higher.
“Oh god,” Kurt breathed, tearing his mouth away and Sebastian felt the shiver that coursed through him
under his palm. It made his own body flare with heat but he started to pull back, the few minutes he had
left to leave for work forcing him to stop everything where it was. To his surprise, Kurt’s hands flew to cup
his jaw and hold him in place. “No, don’t go,” he whispered, kissing him firmly on the mouth again.
“Kurt,” Sebastian huffed out a laugh as he tried to pull away again but Kurt was apparently very serious
about not letting Sebastian go because his hand slid down to wrap around his tie. He walked them
backwards until Sebastian felt his back thump against the wall. “Kurt hang on for a minmm.”
“Don’t go,” Kurt said again, breathing the words out against Sebastian’s jaw. “Please.”
“What the hell’s gotten into you?” Sebastian asked, his head spinning. “I mean, god I want to stay but -”
“I need you here right now,” Kurt said, finally pulling back enough to look Sebastian in the eyes. “My head
is clear for the first time in days and I need you to keep me in the moment.”
Sebastian struggled to gain control of his breathing, staring at Kurt’s wet mouth distractedly until his words
finally registered. “I can’t skip work, Kurt.”
“Neither can I but just - stay for a while longer.” Kurt said, hands fluttering over Sebastian’s body until he
finally cupped them around his waist. He dropped his head to Sebastian’s shoulder, taking a deep breath.
“Please. Just a few minutes.”
“Are you going to explain what the hell is going on with you?” Sebastian asked as he wrapped an arm
around Kurt’s back. “Or is this going to be like the other day where you shut me up with a few kisses and
then go back to ignoring me later?”
“I’ll tell you everything,” Kurt said, fingers flexing against Sebastian’s waist. “I promise. Right now I just
want you to hold me.”
_
”Hey, baby.”
Kurt tugs the book out of Sebastian’s hand and throws it aside, moving to straddle his lap. He’s barely
settled down before he grabs Sebastian’s face in his hands and kisses him. It’s rough and needy, Kurt
swiping his tongue along the back of Sebastian’s teeth, biting his bottom lip until it’s plump and fisting a
hand in his hair so he can tug at the strands as does whatever he wants with Sebastian’s mouth.
Sebastian is so caught up in kissing him, he doesn’t realize Kurt is tilting sideways, falling onto his back on
the couch and dragging Sebastian down on top of him. The second they’re horizontal, Kurt’s kisses slow
down, settling into a series of softer pecks against Sebastian’s lips, the corner of his mouth, his jaw.
“Bad day?” he asks as Kurt shifts to give Sebastian enough room to lie down behind him. Once he’s settled,
Kurt presses his back up against Sebastian’s chest and drags his arm around drape along his waist. “I’m
taking that as a yes,” Sebastian says as Kurt lays a palm over Sebastian’s hand.
“Bad is an understatement.”
“You want a cheer up blow job?” Sebastian asks, slipping his hand down to brush along Kurt’s crotch.
Kurt grabs it and pulls it back up to his waist. “Later.”
“My offer to punch off Troy’s front teeth still stands you know,” Sebastian says, his smile pressing into
Kurt’s skin as he kisses the side of his face.
“Tempting,” Kurt says, leaning back into the touch. “But I want to break them on my own, thanks.”
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