Alternatives to Marriage

Since the 1960s there have been real changes in society’s views on marriage, divorce, parenting, gender roles, and premarital sex.10While most young men and women still expect to marry, society no longer demands that people marry, stay married, or have children. Remaining single is now a widely ac­cepted option. The restrictions and disadvantages of marriage are also an increasing concern for many people. In addition, there is a trend among both men and women toward marrying later in life.

Single Living With increasing numbers of people choosing to remain single or becoming single through divorce, there is a new acceptance of singlehood as a fulfilling alternative to marriage. For example, studies have shown that negative attitudes toward remaining single declined dramatically between 1957 and 1976.12This seems to suggest that marriage is becoming less impor­tant as an institution for structuring intimate relationships.

Who are the people who choose to remain single? Some are men and women who value their freedom and independence. Among women espe­cially, greater career opportunities have brought more economic indepen­dence, and so marriage is no longer seen as the only route to economic secu­rity. In addition, many women no longer feel that marriage is necessary to achieve sexual expression and satisfaction.

The single state can be comfortable and rewarding for many people. Single people earning a good income can buy houses or rent apartments and estab­lish homes of their own without waiting for a partner to come along. Many singles also earn enough to be able to pay for vacations or buy luxury items and other products. Moreover, many people find that it is easier to meet the demands of a career when they do not have to consider another person’s interests while scheduling their time and activities.

Singlehood is not without disadvantages, however. Single people may have more difficulty in meeting their emotional needs than married people do. It is often more difficult for those who live alone to satisfy their needs for intimacy, interdependence, sexual satisfaction, and parenthood.

Cohabitation Cohabitation, an arrangement in which two unrelated people live together in a sexual relationship without marrying, has become more common in American society. Although some groups still disapprove of co­habitation on moral or religious grounds, a majority of Americans now seem to accept the idea of two people living together without marriage.

Why do people choose to live together instead of marrying? Some young people who are aware of the complexities of marriage prefer to try living together first so that they can find out whether they are mature enough to engage in a lifelong caring relationship. Often they also want to find out whether they are truly compatible. However, there is no evidence that living together increases the likelihood of a successful marriage.

Cohabitation is not limited to young people. A number of senior citizens live together but avoid formal marriage ties, often for economic reasons. Single, divorced, or widowed people who are retired sometimes lose their pensions or Social Security benefits if they marry or remarry. For these people, cohabita­tion makes good sense.

Couples who live together tend to face a number of problems, some of which are similar to the types of problems that confront married couples. In addition to the possibility of family disapproval and legal difficulties, cohabit­ing couples sometimes have conflicts over the purpose of the relationship.

Studies have suggested that the similarities between cohabitation and mar­riage are far more striking than the differences.14 Cohabiting couples are not significantly different in regard to sex roles and division of labor. The way they divide tasks closely mirrors the behavior of married couples of a similar age. Cohabiting couples also appear to be no less monogamous than married couples are. People who live together, however, are more likely to end and unsatisfactory relationship than married couples are to seek a divorce. This makes sense, because many cohabiting couples live together as a trial to see whether they are truly compatible. Cohabitation has not displaced or eroded the institution of marriage, as many critics feared it might. Rather, it seems to be a part of the courtship phase of a relationship for many young people, most of whom expect to get married eventually.

Divorce

One of the greatest changes that has occurred in interpersonal relationships during the last few decades has been the increasing unwillingness of people to remain in an unsatisfactory marriage. In part this reflects people’s changing expectations of what marriage should be and what it should provide. For example, people today expect greater personal fulfillment in marriage than did the people of a few generations ago. Along with changing expectations have come changing attitudes toward divorce. The great majority of Ameri­cans now feel that married people should not stay together, even for the sake of the children, if they are not getting along.15The increase in divorce is also a reflection of the changing status of women. As women have become less eco­nomically dependent on their husbands, divorce rates have increased.

Divorce Today Between 1962 and 1981 the number of divorces per year in the United States tripled. Although the rate has decreased slightly since then, the number of divorces each year remains quite high. About one marriage in three now ends in divorce.

Divorce is often financially difficult. To ease problems concerning the divi-' sion of property, child custody and support, and alimony, all but two states have some sort of provision for “no-fault” divorce, substantially reducing court costs. These divorce laws have backfired for many women, however. The provisions for the distribution of resources do not take into account the fact that most children live with the mother after a divorce. As a result, the income of women and their children one year after divorce is only about 67 percent of the predivorce income, while the income of divorced men is about 90 percent of the predivorce level.

Changes have also taken place in the area of child custody, which is cur­rently determined according to the best interests of the children. The laws in most states have been rewritten so that fathers now have a better opportunity to gain custody of their children.

The Effects of Divorce Even though current divorce laws ease some of the problems of divorce, the ending of a marriage is painful for everyone in­volved. Divorced people have to deal with feelings of loneliness, anger, rejec­tion, failure, panic, and self-doubt. Despite these negative feelings, there is optimism as well. Divorce can represent a new beginning, a chance to rebuild one’s life, and an opportunity to seek a more fulfilling relationship than the one left behind. Most people who divorce do eventually remarry. Some studies have shown that remarried people report high levels of satisfaction, love, and trust in their new relationships. Children from a previous marriage, however, may place added strains on the new relationship.

What effect does divorce have on the children? For most children, the sepa­ration of their parents is a very painful experience. Extreme anger, regressionto earlier forms of behavior, and physical symptoms such as asthma are not uncommon. For the first few months most children wish the couple could get back together so that the father or mother could rejoin the household. Chil­dren often feel that they did something to divide their parents. Younger chil­dren especially seem to blame themselves for the divorce. Older adolescents, by contrast, are more often angry or ashamed.19 It helps if parents explain to the children that they are not at fault and that the problems are between the mother and father. Although children do suffer from the divorce of their parents, most of them adjust as time goes by.

Sex and Sexuality

Intimate relationships—whether between married couples, cohabiting cou­ples, or dating couples—involve varying expressions of sex and sexuality. The way people think and feel about sex and sexuality is woven into the fabric of their daily lives. It has a profound impact on their personalities and their relationships with other people.

What exactly is the difference between sex and sexuality? Essentially, sex refers to either gender or the way in which people physically express affection or erotic feelings. Sexuality refers to the ways in which people’s gender is part of their emotional, intellectual, social, and spiritual lives. In other words, sexu­ality is what it means to be a man or woman in society.

Sexuality includes not only actions and attitudes directly connected with sex but also other behaviors, such as assertiveness or submissiveness in work or other activities. Gender is not the only factor in sexuality. Sexuality also comes

Parents who do not gain custody are usually given visitation rights not only for their own benefit but for the sake of the children, who will know that both parents are always there to provide care and support. (Richard Hutchings!InfoEdit)

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