The Decision to Marry

Marriage is an institution that is changing. Traditionally, marriage has been an economic arrangement in which husbands have worked outside the home to provide financial security for their families, while wives have cared for the children and run the home. Today, however, this arrangement is changing. The roles of husband and wife are not as clearly defined as in the past, espe­cially when both partners work and earn money for the family. Many people today expect and get more from marriage than economic benefits. They look to their spouses for sharing, emotional support, and intimacy. Happily mar­ried people often identify the spouse as their best friend. *

Why Do People Marry? The pressures for a couple to marry can be enor­mous. This pressure often comes from parents and other relatives as well as from the media. Sometimes the members of a family, ethnic group, or reli­gious group may pressure individuals to marry so that a new generation can be raised in the teachings and values of the group.

Aside from these pressures, people marry for a variety of reasons. Some still marry for economic reasons. For others, marriage is viewed as the only accept­able framework in which to enjoy sex freely. Some people marry to escape from an unhappy home life, on the rebound from another relationship, or to avoid loneliness.

Researchers have identified several patterns in “high-quality,” or well- balanced, marriages. Some of these married people tend to focus their ener­gies on joint activities. Their strongest wish is to spend time together, yet they also strike a balance between privacy and togetherness. Other couples focus their energies on being parents and on raising their children. Some dual­career couples, although they spend much of their energy on their individual careers, develop intimacy by sharing what is going on in their work.3 It thus seems that the desire to spend time together, raise children, and share other aspects of life and career are all healthy reasons for marrying.

Love and Romance A basic element in most marriages is the love one person feels for another. There are many different types of love between persons, including parental love, fraternal love, and romantic love. Each requires car­ing and respect. Romantic love includes the qualities of deep intimacy and

passion and begins with a feeling of intense attraction between two people.4

Although most marriages are based on romantic love, few couples sustain that romance as the years go by. Romantic love often develops into a less intense and all-consuming type of love known as companionate love.5A com­panionate love relationship is steadier than romantic love and is based on trust, sharing, affection, and togetherness. Maintaining the love in a marriage requires considerable effort and commitment. Married partners who succeed in communicating, giving physical warmth, and sharing interests and respon­sibilities are more likely to remain in love.6

Assessing Compatibility When people are looking for a mate, they tend to be attracted to potential partners whose ethnic, religious, economic, and educa­tional background is similar to their own. Certain physical attributes are also significant factors.7They are least likely to match up with a similar person in the area of compatibility of personality. Personality factors are not always easy to observe. Sometimes people do not reveal their true selves during courtship. Moreover, people with opposite personality types often attract each other, perhaps because one personality rounds out the other.

Unfortunately, great differences in personality can often lead to conflict later on. One study found that a source of marital dissatisfaction among hus­bands was a feeling that their wives were too possessive, neglectful, and openly admiring of other men. Dissatisfied wives complained that their husbands were possessive, moody, and openly attracted to other women. The study also found that sex is a source of great difficulties for unhappy married men and women. It found that women see sex as following from emotional intimacy, while men see it as a road to intimacy. As a result, men complain that their wives withhold sex from them and women complain that their husbands are too sexually aggressive.8

How can people be sure they are marrying people with whom they are truly compatible? One way is by taking plenty of time to get to know the other person. Researchers have found that couples seem to go through three stages in this process. First, each person tries to measure his or her good and bad qualities against those of the other person. People tend to be drawn to others who seem to have about the same assets and liabilities they themselves possess. Second, people look for compatible beliefs, attitudes, and interests to support the initial attraction. It is not until the third stage that people reveal to each other how they handle responsibility, react to disappointment, and cope with a wide variety of situations.9The key to compatibility is for the couple to be sure that they have arrived at this last stage before they think seriously about mar­riage. Such people are less likely to be unpleasantly surprised than are those who marry quickly.

Дата добавления: 2015-10-31