Shut-up and Trouble

In a small town in California there lived two boys, Shut-up and Trouble. These boys were friends, but every once-in-awhile they would get into a fight. One time after they had both just gotten ice-cream, Trouble's ice-cream fell. Trouble then stole Shut-up's ice-cream and ran away. Shut-up ran after Trouble but eventually lost him, sat on a curb, and started to cry.

A police officer pulled up and asked, “What's your name?”

“Shut-up.”

The officer got angry and asked the same question again and got the same reply. Finally, he asked the same question and got the same reply and then said, “Boy, are you looking for Trouble?”

And Shut-up said, “Yeah, that fool stole my ice-cream!”

Clinton's DNA

Re: DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson

Dear Mr. Starr:

The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.

Apologies,

The FBI

Staring Insult

If someone ever says, “What are you staring at?”

Say “I don't know, give me a minute.”

Yo mama's so poor... shoe

Yo mama's so poor, I saw her walking down the street with only one shoe on. I said, ''Hey, Mrs Jones, you've lost a shoe,'' and she said ''No, it's alright, I found one''.

I'm a Barbie Girl

What does a Barbie Doll and Britney Spears have in common?

They're both 100 percent plastic.

Wedding Dress

A little girl at a wedding asked, "Mommy, why do brides always wear white?"

"Because they're happy," the mom replied.

Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, "Mommy, if brides wear white because they're happy, then why do grooms wear black?"

ouchy Feely Cracky

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "I''m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can''t help practicing my art!"

"That''s the stupidest thing I''ve ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

Reverend

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well if you're that far into the game, you may as well finish!"

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

Not everyone's been in a 747!

Farmer's Tractor

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

A: Perhaps Willie Nelson and John Cougar Mellencamp will stage a benefit concert outside my barn to raise funds to replace the missing machinery.

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

The man asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her

the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the

People.

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what

Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to

check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother

sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his

father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I

understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you

think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working

Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being

ignored and

the Future is in deep shit."

Дата добавления: 2015-10-29