| | What to remember
| What to do and what not to do
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| Remember anger comes from not understanding her point of view, and this is never her fault.
| Take responsibility to understand. Don't blame her for upsetting you. Start again trying to understand.
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| Remember that feelings don't always make sense right away, but they're still valid and need empathy.
| Breathe deeply, don't say any thing! Relax and let go of trying to control. Try to imagine how you would feel if you saw the world through her eyes.
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| Remember that anger may come from not knowing what to do to make things better. Even if she doesn't immediately feel better, your listening and understanding are helping.
| Don't blame her for not feeling better from your solutions. How can she feel better when solutions are not what she needs? Resist the urge to offer solutions.
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| Remember you don't have to agree to understand her point of view or to be appreciated as a good listener.
| If you wish to express a differing point of view make sure she is finished and then rephrase her point of view before giving your own. Do not raise your voice.
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| Remember you don't fully have to understand her point of view to succeed in being a good listener.
| Let her know you don't understand but want to. Take responsibility for not understanding; don't judge her or imply she can't be understood.
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| Remember you are not responsible for how she feels. She may sound as though she is blaming you, but she is really in need to be understood.
| Refrain from defending yourself until she feels that you understand and care. Then it is OK gently to explain yourself or to apologize.
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| Remember that if she makes you really angry she is probably mistrusting you. Deep inside her is a scared little girl who is afraid of opening up and being hurt and who needs your kindness and compassion.
| Don't argue with her feelings and opinions. Take time out and discuss things later when there is less emotional charge. Practice the Love Utter technique as described in chapter 11.
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