III. Development and organization of the modern family

Mechanisms of mate selection

Customs of dating and courtship. Today's generation of young people seems to be evolving new patterns of de­veloping contacts leading either to temporary liaisons or marriage. The patterns contrast with the one usually at­tributed to an earlier generation. In the former system (which is still widespread), dating was seen as an initial phase of marking available partners and testing them in standardized situations, which sometimes included sex relations. Once a boy and a girl started going steady and gave up dating others, they had advanced to the second phase, courtship, concentrating their attention and ex­pectations on each other, trying to adjust to each other and to be accepted by each other's parents, to get a de­gree, a job, and so forth - goals often not easy to coor­dinate. Courtship might be officially recognized as en­gagement, meaning that the partners had given each other promises, exchanged rings, and the like; this cere­mony was very important in northern Europe, for in­stance, because it gave more scope for sex, but its im­portance is now declining. In this "traditional" system, the success of a courtship is judged solely according to the outcome: did the partners marry? No consideration is given to whether the persons involved used this time really to seek emotional, social, sexual, educational, or economic adjustments or to find out on what points they differed irreconcilably.

These norms now seem less relevant to many of today's adolescents in their frantic search for emotional experi­ence and contacts, for understanding, fun, and love. In the future, those who study the family may have to find a new design or pattern and study (1) the adolescent "contact pools," (2) the adolescents' peculiar evaluation of traits in dress, music, slogans, politics, and philosophy, and (3) their intellectual, emotional, and sexual partner­ships, which are formed, broken, and reformed and in which intellectual factors seem to mean more and sexual contacts less than adults believe, since sexual contacts are often no longer considered the crowning experiences of togetherness. Partners needing security may choose to live together permanently, have children together, marry before or after doing so, leave the contact pool or stay in it notwithstanding. This pool of theirs, however, will soon become more or less segregated from younger pools, and all the time it will be shrinking in size as more hopeful couples or resigned individuals depart and only a small number of them return. In any event, the whole evolving pattern (or patterns) is unclear and difficult yet to systematize for examination.

Matrimonial agencies and marriage arrangements. Parents, having made many adjustments before or after their own marriage, are usually eager to hand on this wisdom to their children, who often doubt its relevance. Up to a point, parents are still able to arrange acceptable contacts by giving parties, taking their children with them to the right social gatherings, and so forth. They also use subtle techniques to encourage desirable contacts and discourage less desirable ones. This influence can still be effective, especially when the parents of the desirable partner willingly cooperate in the "matchmaking." In modern society, the choice of marriage partner is still considered one of the big decisions in life, and research­ers have therefore studied selection and adjustment in courtship and marriage, pointing out the similarities and differences between partners that they maintain are im­portant. These "prediction data" are then used in lessons on the problems of family life, in social work, and in counselling people seeking advice or contacts. On the basis of such data, official and private agencies give ad­vice about the selection of a partner or about the process of adaptation and may even pair off suitable partners by registering clients and arranging for certain ones to meet.

Customary factors of selection. One's own selection of a marriage partner is usually restricted to the people one meets (one's own family excluded), and the more often one meets them the greater chance one has to discover and appreciate their merits, to demonstrate one's own merits, and to succeed in attracting the desirable part­ners. Casual acquaintances are thus weeded out from the selection process, and those who are left tend to live in the same neighbourhood, to have the same working hours, to work at the same place and in a similar type of job, to be about the same age, and to have the same in­terests, the same kind of education, and the same reli­gion, ethnic background, friends, and social class; and all these tendencies must emerge according to the distribu­tion pattern of social contacts.

There is, then, a general tendency to select a marriage partner of the same quality and social class, a tendency called homogamy (homos, "like"; gamos, "marriage"). The homogamous tendency, however, is often weak and sometimes even reversed: a man may compensate for his lack of youth by displaying a high income or compensate for a low income by displaying a good social back­ground; girls use their looks for general compensatory purposes. But in some cases "opposites attract": dom­inating men, for instance, may prefer submissive women rather than willful ones.

In Western cultures the two partners are expected to be in "love" with one another. This is sometimes carried to the extent of believing that everyone has her Mr. Right or his Miss Right waiting somewhere. They are meant for each other, and the moment that they meet their hearts can tell. It is disheartening if only one falls in love, not the other. Romantic love often gives rise to very strong expectations that generally have little to do with reality. All partners ought to have something like the same opinions on procreation and parenthood.

How many children? How shall they be spaced and how educated? These are points that the partners must agree on from the beginning or be able to compromise on - if they are going to be successful partners. If they marry despite dif­fering opinions, they probably run a far larger risk of maladjustment and divorce.

Economic considerations are important and were even more important formerly, when the husband had to be able to bear the financial strain of a wife, home, and children, before he was ready for marriage. Now in de­veloped societies the wife often has a job, too, and if necessary she can go on working. Should something seri­ous happen to the family, modern society generally gives considerable assistance, and it is therefore no longer nec­essary to have financial reserves sufficient to meet all eventualities.

Another aspect to note is that strong social values are vested in the family: "socially valuable" people generally are expected to make a good marriage, and if they are either single or married to the wrong person, this often is taken to show that something is "wrong" with them. People eager to make a career therefore tend to marry with an eye to their partner in utility. The politician, for instance, usually must be a marital model in every re­spect; his wife, too. They must have the right kind of happy but in no way peculiar life, a nice comfortable home, a reasonable number of children who behave like other children, and so forth. The businessman needs a perfect hostess, either in the bright cocktail-party style or in some other useful area of service. Military officers often need a wife trained in the traditions and helpful as a channel for information and intrigues in the female side of the base. The ambitious female partners, as a matter of fact, sometimes seem to select men whom they can promote by their contacts and abilities, thus promoting themselves at the same time.

But partners may not be selected only because they seem to be good tools or investments; they may be the owners of power to be wielded, money to be used, or social contacts to be enjoyed. These direct advantages are usually evident to both partners, however, and the partner wanting them but lacking them has to compen­sate with other goods.

Uncustomary marital trends and patterns. The pattern of homogamy and marriage during young adulthood is strong, a fact reflecting the strength of the supporting social norms. Thus exceptions are few: young people under the age of 16, for instance, are rarely allowed by law to marry; couples who have passed their 50s are free to marry but are somehow considered overripe, if marry­ing for the first time. A partner far older than the other is often considered odd (especially if it is a woman), and there is suspicion that one is exploiting the other. Statistical data show that such marriages occur infre­quently: in about 2 percent of the marriages in Sweden in 1969, for instance, both partners were under 20 years of age; in 2 percent both partners were over 50; in a little more than 3 percent the bridegroom was at least 10 years older than the bride; and only in rare cases were brides more than 10 years older than their husbands (that is, in only one-fourth of 1 percent of the mar­riages).

These social norms vary of course from one ethnic or cultural group to another. The Lapps in northern Scan­dinavia sometimes marry very early, and the law makes enjoys more esteem in the society than the other. The members of the under-esteemed groups generally do not accept the low evaluation of themselves and are unwill­ing to compensate for a disadvantage based only on prej­udice. They therefore prefer to marry within their own group, where they can get full value for their own mar­riage merits.

The general disapproval of illegitimate births and un­married mothers tends to make such phenomena com­moner among lower social classes, people in slum areas, underprivileged ethnic groups, younger age groups, and so forth, since all these groups are less restricted by sexual and social norms, feeling or believing that they have little to lose. Many very young brides, for instance, are pregnant, their pregnancy being just the reason why they break the convention about marrying early; among the brides about 20 years of age, the percentage who are pregnant is still comparatively high, but the percentage drops in higher age groups.

Disapproval of pregnancy out of wedlock is directed in the first place at the girl, in the second place at the boy, who has the chance of remedying the situation by marry­ing the girl. In some Western countries, in spite of the oral contraceptive "pill" and other contraceptive tech­niques, the number of illegitimate births increased during the 1960s - partly because so many young couples lived together, had children, and brought them up without bothering about wedding ceremonies. More recently, however, the trend has seemed to reverse: the number of births and especially illegitimate births among young girls has been decreasing, probably owing to more regu­lar use of the pill.

Preparations for marriage and the marriage ceremony

Religious factors. The marriage ceremony and the vows given emphasize the bonds between husband and wife, their duty to share responsibility and to support their family according to their ability. These obligations are not always respected in practice and thus require strengthening by the formality of solemn promises given in front of witnesses.

The status of the marrying couple within the religious community depends to some degree on their ability to satisfy the norms of their church: they should belong to it, look happy, have the right clothes, the right attend­ants, and behave so as to revive sentimental memories in the married onlookers and strengthen the romantic wed­ding expectations of the unmarried. Even in a country like Sweden, where status in the congregation means very little, religious factors still strongly influence the image of the happy bridal couple: a very high proportion of marriages take place at Easter and Whitsuntide, impor­tant Christian festivals. Civil factors. Traditionally, a wedding not only united the bride and groom, but also brought the two parent families and their kin together. They had to meet, to see one another, and to show that they accepted one another; and so the wedding became a feast, a demonstration of social background and resources in respect of food and drink, of clothes, looks, and savoir vivre, whereby the two kins formed two teams in a social game, to appre­ciate one another but not to be outshone by the other team. As a married couple, the bride and groom had more status than they had when unmarried; and they left their old peer groups, sometimes after send-off parties, to take their place as fully fledged members of society. In the upper classes, the initial difficulties in adjusting to each other were eased by a wedding trip, a honeymoon in a different environment, far from interfering busybodies.

The Family Is One of the Nature's Masterpieces

A vocabulary defines a family as "people who are closely related." Psychologists usually refer о a family consisting of mother, father and their children, who are either twins or siblings, as a nuclear family. Some of them are one-parent or single parent families. They usually call all the family including aunts, uncles, nephews, cousins, nieces, grandparents, daughters- and sons-in law as an extended family. George Orwell (1903-1950) wrote that he came from a "stuffy Victorian family, with not many black sheep in it but with all its cupboards burstling with skeletons (family secrets). It has rich relations who have to be kow-towed to and] poor relations who are horribly sat upon, and there is a deep conspiracy about the source of income. It is a family in which the young are generally thwarted and most of the power is in hands of irresponsible uncles and bedridden aunts. Still it is a family".

To my mind there is no exact definition, what a family is. It is definitely a fabulous phenomenon, ce­mented by blood, which is thicker than water. It is really a masterpiece and as every genius creation of humanity it is immortal. Its roots date back to prehistoric times, and it has made a long way from polygamy to monogamy. Like a real masterpiece it constantly changes preserving its essence. Prehistoric mothers used to be as caring, over-protective and ambitious about their adorable offsprings, as all today's mothers are.

Most of families start with marriages, which are said to be made in heaven. Ancient philosopher Dio­genes (the Cynic) said, "Marriage is the greatest earthly happiness when founded on complete sympathy." Like every masterpiece this highly personal matter is strict­ly controlled and supported by law. Young people now­adays are to understand that it is not enough to prom­ise to love and cherish each other, it is important to realize that they have taken a big step both legally and financially by deciding to get married. A husband is entitled to a married man's allowance, and both hus­band and wife can claim tax relief. They start sharing common property and if they decide to split up they will both have to start a divorce proceeding. If they have children and decide to separate they will have to agree who gets the custody over their children and set the proposed arrangements for children to meet both parents. In fact, it is such a fragile social organiza­tion that a slight error can cause unpredictable consequences. Crime statistics shows that 70% of the murderers, maniacs, muggers and misfits are prod­ucts of the broken families.

As it often happens to a masterpiece too much perfection can spoil it. Sometimes the parents believe that their critical comments would encourage their children to greater efforts. Sadly they have exactly the opposite effect. After a number of criticisms the child looses not only his interest in creating, but a great deal of his confidence. So being an ideal parent is a very delicate task demanding tact, patience and dili­gence. A wise parent remembers that it is all too easy to be destructive while attempting to be constructive. Of course, parents must point out mistakes for progress to be made. Yet acid comments designed to improve performance can unintentionally increase anxiety and undermine achievement.

Every masterpiece is born in pain, so it would be a mistake to think that a happy family doesn't face any) problems. However, clever and understanding parents^ are always ready to experiment and find the way out. For example, the teenagers are very radical in their opinions. Anything less than fulsome praise is likely to provoke hostility and alienation. A clever parent will show how excited he is by his child's originality and search for ways to take it further. In this connection, a humorous story by Emma Bombeck called "Con­venient Hearing" inevitably comes to my mind. Her son used to ignore all the comments and she tried to communicate with him through homemade posters and stickers, refusing to hear his questions as well.

The fantastic thing about family ties is that it always stirs the best feelings in people. Everybody craves for a happy family dinner for Christmas. Crestfallen orphans dream about generous loving mothers. Prodigal sons return to support their help­less parents, bound to bed. Most flirtatious wives turn out to be the best nurses, when their husbands get seriously ill. For example, Pierce Brosnan, who plays passionate womanizers in most of his films turned out to be a most loving and daring husband, giving all possible care and comfort to his wife Cassy Harris, ill with cancer and his three children. Another American celebrity Arnold Schwarzenegger has changed his image of Conan the Destroyer and Terminator and now stars in such films as "Last Action Hero" (1993), "Jingle Bells", "Kindergarten Cop (1990)" and "Junior" (1994). The man who made millions of dollars and delighted his huge army of fans by brutally slaughtering an estimated 275 people on screen in the '80 s, was rather relishing the prospect of happy family life in his palatial estate overlooking the ocean in Pacific Palisades! He announced in public that he doesn't want to expose his children to violence and gore. He wants to make movies that he can take his kids to see.

To finish with, I'd like to say that there are times in our lives, when everything seems to be going badly. We all have problems we can't cope with. We feel depressed and dispirited and suffer from acute anxiety and despair. We moan and groan and think we are losers and failures. A fatherly manly hug or a mother's loving embrace can really restore you from the ashes. Then I hear my Mom's favourite words: "You are a Fallible Human Being "and understand that even if the whole world turns its cold shoulder on me, there'll still be a family to turn to for love, compassion and understanding. And as every great masterpiece the family will remain in your soul forever.

WORDS AND EXPRESSIONS

polygamy - practice of having more than one wife or (less usual) husband at once

kow-tow - to be too eager to obey or be polite to someone in authority.

set upon - to attack violently

a skeleton in the closet - an embarrassing or unpleasant secret about something that happened to you in the past.

offspring - someone's child or children

taxrelief - the right to not have to pay tax or part what you earn

misfit - someone who does not seem to belong in a place because they are very different from the other people there.

turn a cold shoulder on somebody - to ignore, to boycott.

Exercises

I. Answer the questions.

1. What is a family?

2. Why is the family one of the nature's masterpieces?

3. How do you understand Diogenes's words?

4. What do young people understand today?

5. Why is the family a fragile social organization?

6. What things can spoil the nature's masterpiece?

7. What problems does a happy family face?

8. Why will the family remain in one's heart for ever?

II. Choose the right answer.

1. A family is

a. people who live under one roof

b. parents and children

c. people who aren't closely related

d. grandparents and grandchildren

2. Most of the families

a. start with divorce

b. are very large

c. are one-parent families

d. start with marriages

3. Every masterpiece

a. a product of its time

b. born in happiness

c. to be appreciated

d. born in pain

4. The fantastic thing about the family ties is that

a. it always associates with bad feelings

b. it always stirs the best feelings in people

c. it is never late to create your own one

d. the members of the family tease each other rather often

5. Everybody realizes the family

a. is nothing serious

b. is important

c. helps develop the world

d. will remain in one's soul for ever

III. Do you agree or not?

1. A dictionary gives an exact definition of a family
phenomenon.

2. A family constantly changes preserving its essence.

3. A marriage has become a common thing nowadays.

4. Too much perfection can't spoil the family.

5. Every masterpiece is born in pain.

6. Family ties never stir best feelings in people.

7. There are times in one's life when everything seems to
be going badly.

IV. What do you think? Give a reason for your opinion.

1. The family is immortal.

2. There is no exact definition what a family is.

3. Mothers of all times and nations resemble each other.

4. Young people today are to understand that a marriage is a very serious step.

5. 70% of all murderers are products of the broken families.

6. The parents should be constructive.

7. The family ties always stir the best feelings in people.

8. When everything seems to be going badly you always turn to your parents for advice and under­standing.

V. Ask a psychologist questions concerning the family problems.

VI. List all the problems touched upon in the text.

VII. Role play. You are going to be married. Your Mum is not very happy.

VIII. Comment on the following quotations.

1. "To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there." Barbara Bush.

2. "Many men can make a fortune, but very few can build a Family." J. C. Bryan.

3. "The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family." Thomas Jefferson.

4. "There are secrets in all families." George Farquhar.

IX. Write a paragraph on the topic. Use extra material.

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