Chapter seventeen: some sort of breakdown

“I’ve been an inflated balloon”: ST to HS, “Sunday: [Hotel] St. James et d’Albany,” internal evidence suggests Paris, spring 1955, AAA.

There were two shows: ST, 1955 calendar/datebook, entry for November 23–26, YCAL, Box 3. The San Francisco exhibition is not listed in SSF’s exhibition history, and as there is no other information pertaining to it, it was most likely never realized.

He was unable to sleep: ST to HS, “Saturday,” internal evidence suggests Paris, January–February 1955, AAA.

His intention was to take a short trip: “He always paid his fair share and never complained about it, but he was always on the lookout for deductions because he had so many people to support. He thought the money was better used directly by them than by Uncle Sam.” HS, interview, 2007.

“dangerous looking Beale Street”: Information about the trip to Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, and Georgia comes from a 1955 datebook/diary in YCAL, Box 3. Steinberg habitually walked out of any movie that did not hold his attention, and this one was such an unlikely film for him to watch that when he entered it into the pocket calendar he was using as a diary of the trip, he punctuated its title with an exclamation point.

“sheer fun”: HS, interview and telephone conversations, spring 2007.

She was stunned: General information is from interviews with HS, and ST to HS, letters dated from early March through the end of April 1955, AAA.

“Love is the only thing ”: Schopenhauer was one of her favorite philosophers, and her letters to ST hold frequent references and allusions to his philosophy. The letter is HS to ST, YCAL, microfilm reel 144–45, undated, but internal evidence places it in April 1955.

Hedda told him to go: HS to ST, April 12, 1955, AAA.

“honesty or truth”: ST to HS, April 1, 1955, AAA.

She intended to send him off: HS to ST, YCAL, microfilm, n.d. but internal evidence is April 1955.

“all sorts of sea monsters”: ST to HS, “Saturday” (March 18), 1955, AAA.

“It’s not a ham gesture”: ST to HS, “Monday Morning” (March 20, 1955), AAA.

“It was bad”: ST to HS, “March 23 wed.,” AAA.

Although Steinberg had no faith in psychoanalysis: Dream diaries are scattered throughout YCAL boxes and are cited specifically where appropriate. In this instance, they are in his HS letters, many undated (as this one is) but clearly 1955, AAA.

The setting was always: ST to HS, “Wednesday” (March 25, 1955), AAA.

“There are—I didn’t know—two Tortoretos”: In a 1955 datebook, he kept as a diary of the European trip, he identified the first as Tortoreto Lido and the “real” one as Tortoreto Nereto; YCAL, Box 3. In R & S, pp. 39–41, he gives the wrong date, 1957, and other recollections made almost thirty years later differ from those that are more reliable, made at the time in the datebook and the HS letters.

“strange, that a place”: HS to ST, “Saturday p.m.” Internal evidence suggests April 9, 1955, YCAL, microfilm.

“a sign”: HS to ST, “Sunday evening 12:30,” YCAL, microfilm reel 144–45. In the letter she put the phrase in quotation marks.

“I’m terrorized”: ST to HS, “Saturday, April 2, 1955,” AAA.

With the exception of Alberto Moravia’s: The Flaiano novel deals with the Italian occupation of Ethopia, which reminded ST of something he saw on a bus trip to the nearby town of Forte de Marini: “I saw on the road a cart pulled by a donkey. Inside the cart there was a big white ox. The man was leading the little donkey, donkey pulling ox. It was funny for a moment till you realized that the ox was being taken to the abbatoir. There is some moral here somewhere. Maybe about collaborationism.” ST to HS, Friday, April 1, 1955, AAA.

“unbalanced and too sensitive”: ST to HS, “Viareggio, Tuesday,” internal evidence suggests early April 1955, AAA.

He accidentally ran into: ST, datebook, April 5, 1955, YCAL, Box 3.

He told his diary something different: ST, datebook, April 4, 1955, YCAL, Box 3.

She begged him to believe: Ada to ST, n.d. but internal evidence suggests spring 1955, YCAL; “Milano, 1956,” probably written at the end of 1955 to reassure him of her maternal feelings and send New Year’s greetings for 1956.

“I feel fine”: ST to HS, Friday April 1, 1955, AAA.

The image was so intense: The drawing is in his 1955 datebook between the pages for April 4 and 5, YCAL, Box 3.

“sick with fear”: ST to HS, Tuesday, April 12, 1955, AAA.

When she told him she was thinking: ST to HS, “Wednesday night, April 13 [1955],” AAA.

“half in doubt”: HS to ST, April 23 [1955], YCAL, microfilm.

In her customary way: HS to ST, n.d. but internal evidence suggests mid-April 1955, YCAL, microfilm reel.

“I am living in a kind of atmosphere”: HS to ST, n.d. but internal evidence suggests late March–early April 1955, YCAL, microfilm reel.

“the ghetto group”: Although Leo Lerman does not mention ST or HS in his published letters, he was a frequent visitor to their home during these years. HS writes: “Leo Lerman comes to lunch, he needs my help and advice.” Sonia Orwell had become a closer friend to HS than to ST, and sent HS volumes of “early Proust” because of their mutual interest. Norman Mailer invited HS alone to parties and dinners.

If she worried about anything: She was right to worry: almost fifty years later she fell victim to macular degeneration, and this ended her painting career. References to the people she saw and parties she attended are from the YCAL microfilm letters, all undated, ranging between February and April 1955.

When he asked her to tell him: HS to ST, an undated letter attached to the previous undated one, written on the tiny sheets of pocket notebook paper that she favored for her philosophical ruminations. These are scattered throughout the YCAL boxes and are often not in coherent order.

“with each meal I cook for you”: HS to ST, n.d., YCAL, microfilm reel 144–45, her emphasis.

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