Girls and the city” a hit in the ratings 7 страница

after she had caught a mouse in her house. John, of course, was granted conjugal visits.

“Yeah, well I would be right here where you are now and nothing in the whole world would bring me out.”

She paused.

“What?” the DJ’s voice said into the microphone and then started laughing, “Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that

our singer is currently in the toilets.” The entire room erupted in laughter.

“Sharon!” Holly’s voice trembled in fear. She felt as though the angry mob were about to break down the door, strip

her of her clothes and carry her over their heads to the stage for her execution. Panic took over for the third time.

Sharon rushed her next sentence. “Anyway, Holly, all I’m saying is that you don’t have to do this if you don’t want

to. Nobody here is forcing you...”

“Ladies and gentlemen, let’s let Holly know that she’s up next!” yelled the DJ. “Come on!” Everybody began to

stamp their feet and chant her name.

“OK, well, at least nobody who cares about you is forcing you to do this,” stammered Sharon, now under pressure

from the approaching mob. “But if you don’t do this, I know you will never be able to forgive yourself. Gerry

wanted you to do this for a reason.”

“HOLLY! HOLLY! HOLLY!”

“Oh Sharon!” Holly repeated again, panicking. Suddenly the walls of the cubicle felt like they were closing in on

her; beads of sweat formed on her forehead. She had to get out of there. She burst through the door. Sharon’s eyes

widened at the sight of her distraught friend, who looked like she had just seen a ghost. Her eyes were red and

puffy with black lines of mascara streaming down her face (that waterproof stuff never works) and her tears had

washed all her makeup away.

Page 54 of 220

“Don’t mind them, Holly,” Sharon said coolly, “they can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do.”

Holly’s lower lip began to tremble.

“Don’t!” Sharon said, gripping her by the shoulders and looking her in the eye. “Don’t even think about it!”

Her lip stopped trembling but the rest of her didn’t. Finally Holly broke her silence. “I can’t sing, Sharon,” she

whispered, her eyes wide with terror.

“I know that!” Sharon said laughing. “And your family knows that! Screw the rest of them! You are never gonna see

any of their ugly mugs ever again! Who cares what they think? I don’t, do you?”

Holly thought about it for a minute. “No,” she whispered.

“I didn’t hear you, what did you say? Do you care what they think?”

“No,” she said, a little stronger.

“Louder!” Sharon shook her by the shoulders.

“No!” she yelled.

“Louder!”

“NOOOOOOOOO! I DON’T CARE WHAT THEY THINK!” Holly screamed so loud the crowd began to quiet down

outside. Sharon looked a little shaken, was probably a little deaf, and stood frozen in her place for a while. The two

of them smiled at each other and then began to giggle at their stupidity.

“Just let this be another silly Holly day so we can laugh about it a few months from now,” Sharon pleaded with her.

Holly took one last look at her reflection in the mirror, washed away her smudged mascara lines, took a deep breath

and charged toward the door like a woman on a mission. She opened the door to her adoring fans, who were all

facing it and chanting her name. They all began to cheer when they saw her, so she took an extremely theatrical bow

and headed toward the stage to the sound of claps and laughter and a yell from Sharon saying, “Screw them!”

Holly had everybody’s attention now whether she liked it or not. If she hadn’t run into the toilet, the people who

were chatting down the back of the club probably wouldn’t have noticed her singing, but now she had attracted

even more attention.

She stood with her arms folded on the stage and stared at the audience in shock. The music started without her even

noticing and she missed the first few lines of the song. The DJ stopped the track and put it back to the start.

There was complete silence. Holly cleared her throat and the sound echoed around the room. Holly stared down at

Denise and Sharon for help and her whole table held their thumbs up at her. Ordinarily Holly would have laughed

at how corny they all looked, but right then it was strangely comforting. Finally the music began again and Holly

held the microphone tightly in her two hands and prepared to sing. With an extremely shaky and timid voice she

sang: “What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?”

Denise and Sharon howled with laughter at the wonderful choice of song and gave her a big cheer. Holly struggled

on, singing dreadfully and looking like she was about to burst into tears. Just when she felt like she was about to

hear boos again her family and friends joined in with the chorus. “Ooh, I’ll get by with a little help from my friends;

yes, I’ll get by with a little help from my friends.”

The crowd turned to her table of family and friends and laughed and the atmosphere warmed a little more. Holly

prepared herself for the high note coming up and yelled at the top of her lungs, “Do you neeeed anybody?” She even

managed to give herself a fright with the volume and a few people helped her out to sing, “I need somebody to

love.”

Page 55 of 220

“Do you neeeed anybody?” she repeated and held the microphone out to the crowd to encourage them to sing, and

they all sang, “I need somebody to love,” and gave themselves a round of applause. Holly felt less nervous now and

battled her way through the rest of the song. The people down the back continued on chatting, the bar staff carried

on serving drinks and smashing glasses until Holly felt like she was the only one listening to herself.

When she had finally finished singing, a few polite tables up front and her own table to the right were the only

people to acknowledge her. The DJ took the microphone from her hand and managed to say between laughs,

“Please give it up for the incredibly brave Holly Kennedy!”

This time her family and friends were the only people to cheer. Denise and Sharon approached her with cheeks wet

from tears of laughter.

“I’m so proud of you!” Sharon said, throwing her arms around Holly’s neck. “It was awful!”

“Thanks for helping me, Sharon,” she said as she hugged her friend.

Jack and Abbey cheered and Jack shouted, “Terrible! Absolutely terrible!”

Holly’s mother smiled encouragingly at her, knowing she had passed her special singing talent down to her

daughter, and Holly’s father could barely look her in the eye he was laughing so much. All Ciara could manage was

to repeat over and over again, “I never knew anyone could be so bad.”

Declan waved at her from across the room with a camera in his hand and gave her the thumbs-down. Holly hid in

the corner at the table and sipped on her water while she listened to everyone congratulating her on being so

desperately bad. Holly couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so proud.

John shuffled over to Holly and leaned against the wall beside her, where he watched the next act onstage in silence.

Eventually he plucked up the courage to speak and said, “Gerry’s probably here, you know,” and looked at her with

watery eyes.

Poor John, he missed his best friend too. She gave him an encouraging smile and looked around the room. He was

right. Holly could feel Gerry’s presence. She could feel him wrapping his arms around her and giving her one of the

hugs she missed so much.

After an hour the singers had finally finished and Daniel and the DJ headed off to tot up the votes. Everyone had

been handed a voting slip as they paid at the door and Holly couldn’t bring it upon herself to write her own name

down, so she gave her slip to Sharon. It was pretty obvious that Holly wasn’t going to win, but that had never been

her intention. And on the off chance that she did win, she shuddered at the thought of having to return in two

weeks’ time to repeat the whole experience. She hadn’t learned a thing from it, only that she hated karaoke even

more. Last year’s winner, Keith, had brought along at least thirty of his friends, which meant that he was a sure

winner, and Holly doubted very much that her “adoring fans” in the crowd would vote for her.

The DJ played a pathetic CD of a drumroll as the winners were about to be announced. Daniel took to the stage once

again in his black leather jacket and black slacks uniform and was greeted by wolf whistles and screams from the

girls. Worryingly, the loudest of these girls was Ciara. Richard looked excited and crossed his fingers at Holly. A

very sweet but incredibly naive gesture, she thought; he obviously didn’t understand the “rules” properly.

There was a bit of embarrassment as the drumroll began to skip and the DJ rushed over to his equipment to shut it

down. The winners were announced undramatically, in dead silence. “OK, I’d like to thank everyone for taking part

in tonight’s competition, you provided us all with some terrific entertainment.” That last part was directed at Holly

and she slithered down her seat with embarrassment. “OK, so the two people that will be going through to the final

are,” Daniel paused for dramatic effect, “Keith and Samantha!”

Holly jumped up with excitement and danced around in a huddle with Denise and Sharon. She had never felt such

relief in her life. Richard looked on very confused, and the rest of Holly’s family congratulated her on her victorious

loss.

“I voted for the blond one,” Declan announced with disappointment.

Page 56 of 220

“That’s just because she had big tits,” Holly laughed.

“Well, we all have our own individual talents,” Declan agreed.

Holly wondered what hers were as she sat back down. It must be a wonderful feeling to win something, to know

that you have a talent. Holly had never won anything in her life; she didn’t play any sports, couldn’t play an

instrument, now that she thought about it, she didn’t have any hobbies or special interests. What would she put

down on her CV when she eventually got around to applying for a job? “I like to drink and shop” wouldn’t go

down very well. She sipped her drink thoughtfully. Holly had lived her life being interested only in Gerry; in fact,

everything she did revolved around him. In a way, being his wife was all she was good at; being his partner was all

she knew. Now what did she have? No job, no husband and she couldn’t even sing in a karaoke competition

properly, never mind win it.

Sharon and John seemed engrossed in a heated discussion, Abbey and Jack were gazing into each other’s eyes like

love-struck teenagers as usual, Ciara was snuggling up to Daniel, and Denise was... Actually, where was Denise?

Holly looked around the club and spotted her sitting on the stage swinging her legs and striking a very provocative

pose for the karaoke host. Holly’s parents had left hand in hand just after her name wasn’t announced as a winner,

which left... Richard. Richard sat squashed beside Ciara and Daniel, looking around the room like a lost puppy

and taking a sip from his drink every few seconds out of paranoia. Holly realized she must have looked like him...

a complete loser. But at least this loser had a wife and two children to go home to, unlike Holly, who had a date with

a microwave dinner.

Holly moved over and sat on the high stool opposite Richard and struck up a conversation.

“You enjoying yourself?”

He looked up from his drink, startled that someone had spoken to him. “Yes, thank you, I’m having fun, Holly.”

If that was him having fun Holly dreaded to think what he looked like when he wasn’t.

“I’m surprised you came, actually, I didn’t think this would be your scene.”

“Oh, you know... you have to support the family.” He stirred his drink.

“So where’s Meredith tonight?”

“Emily and Timothy,” he said, as if that explained it all.

“You working tomorrow?”

“Yes,” he said suddenly, knocking back his drink, “so I best be off. You were a great sport tonight, Holly.” He

looked around awkwardly at his family, debating whether to interrupt them and say good-bye but eventually

deciding against it. He nodded to Holly and off he went, maneuvering his way through the thick crowd.

Holly was once again alone. As much as she wanted to grab her bag and run home, she knew she should sit this one

out. There would be plenty of times in the future when she would be alone like this, the only singleton in the

company of couples, and she needed to adapt. She felt awful, though, and she also felt angry with the others who

didn’t even notice her. Then she cursed herself for being so childish, she couldn’t have asked for more supportive

friends and family. Holly wondered whether this had been Gerry’s intention. Did he think that this situation was

what she needed? Did he think that this would help her? Perhaps he was right, because she was certainly being

tested. It was forcing her to become braver in more ways than one. She had stood on a stage and sung to hundreds

of people, and now she was stuck in a situation where she was surrounded by couples. They were all around her.

Whatever his plan was, she was being forced to become braver without him. Just sit it out, she told herself.

Holly smiled as she watched her sister nattering away to Daniel. Ciara was nothing like her at all, she was so

carefree and confident and never seemed to worry about anything. For as long as Holly could remember, Ciara had

never managed to hold down a job or a boyfriend, her brain was always somewhere else, lost in the dream of

visiting another far-off country. Holly wished she could be more like her, but she was such a home-bird and could

Page 57 of 220

never imagine herself moving away from her family and friends and leaving the life she had made for herself here.

At least she could never leave the life she once had.

She turned her attention to Jack, who was still lost in a world with Abbey. She even wished she could be more like

him; he absolutely loved his job as a secondary school teacher. He was the cool English teacher that all the teenagers

respected, and whenever Holly and Jack passed one of his students on the street they always greeted him with a big

smile and a “Hiya, sir!” All the girls fancied him and all the boys wanted to be like him when they got older. Holly

sighed loudly and drained her drink. Now she was bored.

Daniel looked over. “Holly, can I get you a drink?”

“Ah no, it’s OK, thanks, Daniel, I’m heading home soon anyway.”

“Ah Hol!” protested Ciara. “You can’t go home so early! It’s your night!”

Holly didn’t feel like it was her night. She felt like she had gate-crashed a party and didn’t know anyone there.

“No, I’m all right, thanks,” she assured Daniel again.

“No, you’re staying,” Ciara insisted. “Get her a vodka and Coke and I’ll have the same again,” she ordered Daniel.

“Ciara!” Holly exclaimed, embarrassed at her sister’s rudeness.

“No, it’s OK!” Daniel assured her. “I asked,” and he headed off to the bar.

“Ciara, that was so rude,” Holly gave out to her sister.

“What? It’s not like he has to pay for it, he owns the bloody place,” she said defensively.

“That still doesn’t mean you can go around demanding free drinks...”

“Where’s Richard?” Ciara interrupted.

“Gone home.”

“Shit! How long ago?” She jumped down from her seat in a panic.

“I dunno, about five or ten minutes. Why?”

“He’s supposed to be driving me home!” She threw everyone’s coats into a pile on the floor while she rooted around

for her bag.

“Ciara, you’ll never catch him now, he’s gone far too long.”

“No, I will. He’s parked ages away and he’ll have to drive back down this road to get home. I’ll get him while he’s

passing.” She finally found her bag and legged it out the door yelling, “Bye, Holly! Well done, you were shite!” and

disappeared out the door.

Holly was once again alone. Great, she thought, watching Daniel carrying the drinks back to the table, now she was

stuck talking to him all by herself.

“Where’s Ciara gone?” Daniel asked, placing the drinks on the table and sitting down opposite Holly.

“Oh, she said to say she’s really sorry but she had to chase my brother for a lift.” Holly bit her lip guiltily, knowing

full well that Ciara hadn’t even given Daniel a second thought as she raced out the door. “Sorry for being so rude to

you earlier as well.” Then she started laughing, “God, you must think we’re the rudest family in the world. Ciara’s a

bit of a motormouth; she doesn’t mean what she says half the time.”

Page 58 of 220

“And you did?” he smiled.

“At the time, yes,” she laughed again.

“Hey, it’s fine, just means there’s more drink for you,” he said, sliding the shot glass across the table to her.

“Ugh, what is this?” Holly wrinkled her nose up at the smell.

Daniel looked away awkwardly and cleared his throat. “I can’t remember.”

“Oh, come on!” Holly laughed. “You just ordered it! It’s a woman’s right to know what she’s drinking, you know!”

Daniel looked at her with a smile on his face. “It’s called a BJ. You should have seen the barman’s face when I asked

for one. I don’t think he knew it was a shot!”

“Oh, God,” Holly said. “What’s Ciara doing drinking this? It smells awful!”

“She said she found it easy to swallow.” He started laughing again.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Daniel, she really is ridiculous sometimes.” Holly shook her head over her sister.

Daniel stared past Holly’s shoulder with amusement. “Well, it looks like your friend is having a good night

anyway.”

Holly swirled around and saw Denise and the DJ wrapped around each other beside the stage. Her provocative

poses had obviously worked.

“Oh no, not the horrible DJ who forced me to come out of the toilet,” Holly groaned.

“That’s Tom O’Connor from Dublin FM,” Daniel said. “He’s a friend of mine.”

Holly covered her face in embarrassment.

“He’s working here tonight because the karaoke went out live on the radio,” he said seriously.

“What?” Holly nearly had a heart attack for the twentieth time that night.

Daniel’s face broke into a smile. “Only joking; just wanted to see the look on your face.”

“Oh my God, don’t do that to me,” Holly said, putting her hand on her heart. “Having the people in here hear me

was bad enough, never mind the entire city as well.” She waited for her heart to stop pounding while Daniel stared

at her with an amused look in his eye.

“If you don’t mind me asking, if you hate it so much, why did you enter?” he asked carefully.

“Oh, my hilarious husband thought it would be funny to enter his tone-deaf wife into a singing competition.”

Daniel laughed. “You weren’t that bad! Is your husband here?” he asked, looking around. “I don’t want him

thinking I’m trying to poison his wife with that awful concoction.” He nodded toward the shot glass.

Holly looked around the club and smiled. “Yeah, he’s definitely here... somewhere.”

Sixteen

HOLLY SECURED HER BEDSHEET ONTO the washing line with a peg and thought about how she had bumbled

around for the remainder of May trying to get her life into some sort of order. Days went by when she felt so happy

and content and confident that her life would be OK, and then as quickly as the feeling came it would disappear

again, and she would feel her sadness setting in once more. She tried to find a routine she could happily fall into so

Page 59 of 220

that she felt like she belonged in her body and her body belonged in this life, instead of wandering around like a

zombie watching everybody else live theirs while she waited around for hers to end. Unfortunately the routine

hadn’t turned out exactly as she hoped it would. She found herself immobile for hours in the sitting room, reliving

every single memory that she and Gerry had shared. Sadly, she spent most of that time thinking about every

argument they had had, wishing she could take them back, wishing she could take back every horrible word she

had ever said to him. She prayed that Gerry had known her words had only been spoken out of anger and that they

had not reflected her true feelings. She tortured herself for the times she had acted selfishly, going out with her

friends for the night when she was mad at him instead of staying home with him. She chastised herself for walking

away from him when she should have hugged him, when she held grudges for days instead of forgiving him, when

she went straight to sleep some nights instead of making love to him. She wanted to take back every moment she

knew he had been so angry with her and hated her. She wished all her memories could be of the good times, but the

bad times kept coming back to haunt her. They had all been such a waste of time.

And nobody had told them that they were short on time.

Then there were her happy days, when she would walk around in a daydream with nothing but a smile on her face,

catching herself giggling as she walked down the street when a joke of theirs would suddenly pop into her head.

That was her routine. She would fall into days of deep dark depression, then finally build up the strength to be

positive and to snap out of it for another few days. But the tiniest and simplest thing would trigger off her tears

again. It was a tiring process, and most of the time she couldn’t be bothered battling with her mind. It was far

stronger than any muscle in her body.

Friends and family came and went, sometimes helping her with her tears, other times making her laugh. But even in

her laughter there was something missing. She never seemed to be truly happy; she just seemed to be passing time

while she waited for something else. She was tired of just existing; she wanted to live. But what was the point in

living when there was no life in it? These questions went through her mind over and over until she reached the

point of not wanting to wake up from her dreams—they were what felt real.

Deep down, she knew it was normal to feel like this, she didn’t particularly think she was losing her mind. She

knew that people said that one day she would be happy again and that this feeling would just be a distant memory.

It was getting to that day that was the hard part.

She read and reread Gerry’s original letter over and over, analyzing each word and each sentence, and each day she

came up with a new meaning. But she could sit there till the cows came home trying to read between the lines and

guess the hidden message. The fact was that she would never really know exactly what he meant because she would

never speak to him ever again. It was this thought that she had the most difficulty trying to come to terms with, and

it was killing her.

Now May had gone and June had arrived, bringing bright long evenings and the beautiful mornings that came with

them. And with these bright sunny days June brought clarity. There was no hiding indoors as soon as it got dark,

and there were no lie-ins until the afternoon. It seemed as though the whole of Ireland had come out of hibernation,

taken a big stretch and a yawn and suddenly started living again. It was time to open all the windows and air the

house, to free it of the ghosts of the winter and dark days, it was time to get up early with the songbirds and go for a

walk and look people in the eye and smile and say hello instead of hiding under layers of clothes with eyes to the

ground while running from destination to destination and ignoring the world. It was time to stop hiding in the dark

and to hold your head up high and come face-to-face with the truth.

June also brought another letter from Gerry.

Holly had sat out in the sun, reveling in the new brightness of life, and nervously yet excitedly read the fourth letter.

She loved the feel of the card and the bumps of Gerry’s handwriting under her finger as it ran over the dried ink.

Inside, his neat handwriting had listed the items that belonged to him that remained in the house, and beside each of

his possessions he explained what he wanted Holly to do with them and where he wished for them to be sent. At

the bottom it read:

PS, I love you, Holly, and I know you love me. You don’t need my belongings to remember me by, you don’t need to keep them

as proof that I existed or still exist in your mind. You don’t need to wear my sweater to feel me around you; I’m already

there... always wrapping my arms around you.

Page 60 of 220

That had been difficult for Holly to come to terms with. She almost wished he would ask her to do karaoke again.

She would have jumped from an airplane for him; run a thousand miles, anything except empty out his wardrobes

and rid herself of his presence in the house. But he was right and she knew it. She couldn’t hang on to his belongings

forever. She couldn’t pretend to herself that he was coming back to collect them. The physical Gerry was gone; he

didn’t need his clothes.

It was an emotionally draining experience. It took her days to complete. She relived a million memories with every

garment and piece of paper she bagged. She held each item near to her before saying good-bye. Every time an item

left her fingers it was like saying good-bye to a part of Gerry all over again. It was difficult; so difficult and at times

too difficult.

She informed her family and friends of what she was about to do, and although they all offered their assistance and

support time and again, Holly knew she had to do this alone. She needed to take her time. Say a proper good-bye

because she wouldn’t be getting anything back. Just like Gerry, his belongings couldn’t return. Despite Holly’s

wishes of wanting to be alone, Jack had called around a few times to offer some brotherly support and Holly had

appreciated it. Every item had a history and they would talk and laugh about the memories surrounding it. He was

there for her when she cried and he was there when she finally clapped her hands together, ridding her skin of the

dust that remained. It was a difficult job but one that needed to be done. And one that was made easier by Gerry’s

help. Holly didn’t need to worry about making all the big decisions, Gerry had already made them for her. Gerry

was helping her, and for once, Holly felt like she was helping him too.

She laughed as she bagged the dusty cassettes of his favorite rock band from his school days. At least once a year

Gerry came across the old shoe box during his efforts to control the mess that grew inside his closet. He would blast

the heavy metal music from every speaker in the house to torment Holly with its screeching guitars and badly

produced sound quality. She always told him she couldn’t wait to see the end of those tapes. The relief didn’t wash

over her as she once hoped it would.

Her eyes rested upon a crumpled ball lying in the back corner of the wardrobe—Gerry’s lucky football jersey. It was

still covered in grass and mud stains, fresh from its last victorious day on the pitch. She held it close to her and

inhaled deeply; the smell of beer and sweat was faint, but still there. She put it aside to be washed and passed on to

John.

So many objects, so many memories. Each was being labeled and packed away in bags just as it was in her mind. To

be stored in an area that would sometime be called upon to teach and help in future life. Objects that were once so

full of life and importance but that now lay limp on the floor. Without him they were just things.

Gerry’s wedding tuxedo, his suits, shirts and ties that he would moan about having to wear every morning before

going to work. The fashions of the years gone by, eighties shiny suits and shell tracksuits bundled away. A snorkel

from their first time scuba diving, a shell that he picked from the ocean floor ten years ago, his collection of beer

Дата добавления: 2015-10-29