Chapter Twenty-seven

I race to the dorm, ignoring the burning in my lungs and in my thighs. My mind runs even faster, a blurring mixture of thoughts and memories ground into one beautifully unbearable truth. I know the likelihood is my family is still gone, but as long as Asheville remains, hope remains with it. Despite everything that has happened since the world came to an end, or maybe because of it, I want nothing more than to let hope take hold.

I pack up my meager belongings in a haze. I am outside myself, watching with detached interest what I choose to shove into my backpack and what I choose to leave behind. For some reason, I struggle over whether to bring my towel, putting it in and then taking it back out of my bag, back and forth until finally I zip up the bag, the towel still lying on the bed. I throw the bag over my shoulder and grab Mugsy, safely cocooned in her scabbard, and head out to the barn.

I don’t know what I will say to Kate. I want to stay here on the farm and live this new life I have built, that I am still in the process of building. But my family calls to me, pulling at my blood and demanding I finish what I started all those months ago. The real question is what I will do after, once I have either found my family or found my hopes ground out like a cigarette beneath my boot heel. For that question, I have no real answer. My brain is in too much chaos to know anything for certain, other than I have to go.

Kate is in the barn when I arrive, holding Stu’s reins. Fitting. The black monolith is saddled up and waiting, and he eyes me in that way of his, as if he knows exactly what I am all about. He stomps his hoof, but he does not seem perturbed like the last time I was here. Instead, he seems to understand the gravity of the situation and has accepted his part in this mission of mine. I am sure I am reading too much into Stu, again, but I am equally as sure I am right about his intentions.

I stand frozen in the dirt and hay, overcome with the reality of all that I am leaving behind. I meet Kate’s gaze. I try to read the myriad of emotions I find there. She smiles gently, trying to tell me it is all going to be okay. I take the last few steps to stand before her.

“I have to go,” I say.

“I know.”

“I have to find out.”

“I know.”

She strokes my face, and I feel her willing me the strength I need to see this through. And then I know the answer, know without the slightest doubt that no matter what I find in Illinois, I will be coming back. I will be coming home.

“You about ready?” Dunk’s voice comes out of nowhere.

“Huh?” I fumble, turning to find Dunk standing a few feet away, holding Goldie’s reins. “What’s going on?”

“I’m coming with you,” Dunk says.

“Like hell you are,” I snap.

“Like hell I’m not. You don’t really think we’d let you go by yourself, do you?”

“You two plan this?” I ask, looking back and forth between Dunk and Kate.

“It was Buck’s idea, actually,” Dunk says.

“Well, then he’s a fool, too,” I snarl. There are too many dangers for me to even consider taking anyone with me, let alone Dunk. I cannot, will not, take responsibility for his safety.

“You’re not going alone,” Kate says, crossing her arms across her chest as if that settles the matter.

“Not your decision to make,” I bark. One look at her, though, and my anger dissolves. “Kate,” I say more gently, “what if I run into trouble? I can’t be worrying about Dunk the whole time. It could get me killed.”

I cringe at how melodramatic it all sounds, but these days everything is life and death. I have been on the road before. I know all too well what dangers lurk in the world outside Burninghead Farm.

“What if you do run into trouble?” Kate asks, her voice barely a whisper. “You need someone to watch your back.”

“Yeah, but—”

“Kate’s right. You can’t go alone.”

This time, it is Buck’s voice that comes out of nowhere. The irony that I have once again been snuck up on as I am arguing I don’t need anyone to watch my back is not lost on me.

“Buck—”

“You’re part of our family now, Taylor, and family members support each other. Duncan’s going.”

I want to bristle at Buck giving me orders, but I can’t. I know not only that he is right, that they all are, but that I am grateful for it.

“You don’t have to come, you know,” I say to Dunk, giving him one last chance to back out.

“I know I don’t have to. I want to. Let me watch your back.”

I nod, overcome. As Duncan mounts his horse, Buck reaches for my shoulder.

“If you find them, bring them back.”

“Are you sure? I mean, we don’t even know how many there are.”

“It’s like I said when you first arrived, Taylor. Anyone is welcome, as long as they don’t mean us any harm.”

I nod my understanding, and my gratitude. Then I turn back to Kate.

“You know why it’s Duncan and not me going with you, right?” Kate asks. I feel her conflict. This is not easy for her. “You’d be panicking the whole time about my safety, and it would only distract you.”

“I’ll be panicking about Dunk too, you know.”

“No, you’ll just be worrying about him, and that’s okay. Worry will keep you honest. Panic would get you in trouble.”

She is right, of course. Still…

“I’ll never forgive myself if—”

“Stop,” she says, placing a finger over my lips. “Trust Duncan to take care of himself. Not everything in this world is your fault, you know.”

I know she is talking about Pennsylvania, that she knows my fear is not just some abstract concept but borne out by experience. “I know that,” I say, almost believing it. “But some things are my responsibility.”

“Then take responsibility. For Duncan and for yourself. Watch his back. But trust him to do the same for you. Whatever happens after that is no one’s fault.”

I let her words sink in. There is no more to say, so I turn to mount Stu. Just as quickly as I turn, Kate’s strong arms pull me back around. She kisses me with an urgent passion for which there is no response other than to match it. I pour my heart and soul into the kiss, use it to tell her all the things I cannot yet find the words to say.

“Come back to me,” she whispers fiercely.

I memorize her face, every line and curve, and then jump up astride Stu. There are no more words as Dunk and I ride out of the barn and toward the front gate of the farm.

We don’t get far before I am hit with a need so strong I pull up the reins and turn the big horse around. Kate and Buck have followed us out of the barn and are standing in the doorway, Buck’s arm around Kate’s shoulder.

“I love you,” I shout, my voice booming across the open field. I don’t wait for her to reply, turning Stu back around and hightailing it out of Burninghead Farm. I am too much a coward to say it to her face.

Chickenshit.

But at least I have finally told her, and for now that is enough.

Дата добавления: 2015-10-31