NOW MEN REACT TO THE WAVE

When a man loves a woman she begins to shine with love and fulfillment. Most men naively expect that shine to last forever. But to expect her loving nature to be constant is like expecting the weather never to change and the sun to shine all the time. Life is filled with rhythms; day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others. A man assumes that her sudden change of mood is based solely on his behavior. When she is happy he takes credit, but when she is unhappy he also feels responsible. He may feel extremely frustrated because he doesn't know how to make things better. One minute she seems happy, and so he believes he is doing a good job and then the next minute she is unhappy. He is shocked because he thought he was doing so well.

Don't Try to Fix It

Bill and Mary had been married for six years. Bill had observed this wave pattern in Mary, but because he didn't understand it, he tried to "fix it," which just made matters worse. He thought something was wrong with her tendency to go up and down. He would try explaining to her that she didn't need to be upset. Mary only felt more misunderstood and thus more distressed. Although he thought he was "fixing it," he was actually preventing her from feeling better. When a woman moves into her well, he needs to learn that this is when she needs him the most, and it is not a problem to be solved or fixed, but an opportunity to support her with unconditional love. Bill said, "I can't understand my wife, Mary. For weeks she is the most wonderful woman. She gives her love so unconditionally to me and to everyone. Then suddenly she becomes overwhelmed by how much she is doing for everyone and starts being disapproving of me. It's not my fault she's unhappy. I explain that to her, and we just get into the biggest fights." Like many men, Bill made the mistake of trying to prevent his partner from "going down" or "bottoming out." He tried to rescue her by pulling her up. He had not learned that when his wife was going down she needed to hit bottom before she could come up. When his wife, Mary, started to crash, her first symptom was to feel overwhelmed. Instead of listening to her with caring, warmth, and empathy, he would try to bring her back up with explanations of why she shouldn't be so upset. The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn't be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can't fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.

Дата добавления: 2015-07-19