Suggestions for families that need to tighten up their family rules and structure.

SETTING BETTER LIMITS

Limits and rules are critical in the development of safety, growth, and fulfillment of individuals or groups. No segment of society can properly function without rules. If a classroom had no rules, there would be chaos and very little learning would occur. If a community operated without rules it would cease to be a safe place to live. Likewise, within the family there must be a proper set of family rules, that are based on your family values. If your teen is usually responsible and generally uses good judgment, you will probably only need to have a few rules. However, if you are dealing with a difficult or defiant teen you are already familiar with the need for more defined structure.When setting rules for difficult teens you need to create several layers of preventative rules to assist your teen. For example: It probably would not work to have a rule of "Don't Use Drugs" but then allow your teen to associate with drug using friends or hang out at the wrong places. You should set some very clear preventative rules with your teens concerning "WHO" they may associate with, " WHAT" types of activities they are allowed to attend and/or participate, " WHERE" they are allowed to go, and "WHEN" they may go, as well as expected to return.

If you want your teen to maintain good grades, again you will need to create several layers of preventative rules to assist your teen. You will need to have some clear rules in areas such as: School attendance, completing daily homework, and obtaining weekly progress reports. The key is that rather than waiting until the end of the semester to see if your teen receives good grades, you set rules and create a structure that will help your teen along the way; and maximize their chances for success. When you create several layers of preventative rules it provides your teen with the greatest amount of protection. It also allows you to be involved so that you can be aware of problems early and resolve them, before they become overwhelming.

Conflict is inevitable with difficult or defiant teens. Therefore, consistently addressing and resolving conflicts over small issues or preventative rules such as homework, chores, dress, grooming, type of friends, curfew and dating, is your best preventative measure to avoid the large, devastating issues such as teen pregnancy, substance abuse and failing grades. "Take care of the small things, and the big things will take care of themselves", really applies when it comes to administrating rules.

Compliance

Once you have an established set of rules, compliance with those rules depends on four things:

1.The rules are clearly understood.

2.The rules are monitored.

3.The rules are consistently enforced.

4.The consequences used are effective as deterrents.

If any of these four things are not in place it will drastically affect the compliance with the rules. With this in mind, let us address each area.

Clearly Understanding the Rules

If your rules are not clearly understood, it leaves a lot of room for misunderstandings, conflicts and even manipulations. Many times parents assume that their teen understands the rules the same way they are intended. For example, if you tell your teen to be home early, their interpretation of 'early', and yours, may be drastically different. If you tell your teen to clean their room, their idea of a "clean room" and yours may be miles apart. For these reasons, rules need to be very specific. To avoid misunderstanding, it is a good policy to have your teen write down or repeat back their understanding of any rule or expectation.

Monitoring

Monitoring is essential in the administration of any rules. Imagine for instance, if our highways were not monitored by law enforcement? What if a business did not monitor production and quality? As parents, we must provide a safety net for our children by monitoring their behavior. How much we have to monitor depends on how much monitoring is needed. Some teens require very little monitoring; difficult teens require intensive monitoring. Let your teen know that you will be monitoring their behavior. This will do a couple of things: First, they will not be offended if, or when, they discover your are monitoring, and second, if they know they are going to be monitored, it tends to give them added incentive to follow the rules.Monitoring may occur in many ways. For instance, in regard to academics, most schools will assist you in providing daily or weekly reports, or you may choose to occasionally drop into your child's classroom and talk to their teacher. Random drug tests can assure compliance with sobriety. Use of a vehicle may be monitored through odometer checks. As a means of 'cross-checking' such things as activities or curfews you could communicate with the parents of your teen's friends, or even drive by to assure they are where they said they were going to be.

Consistency

The hardest, yet most important thing a parent can do is to be consistent. A rule, or understanding, that is not enforced can be the same as having no rule at all, and can undermine the well being of a family. In order for our teens to feel safe, they need to know they can count on us to be consistent and dependable.If a violation occurs, we need to consistently enforce the previously established consequence. A difficult teen will test the boundaries to see what their limits will truly be. That is why consistency is so critical. Letting small things slide until they become large things will create chaos, confusion and resentment.While most of us do this from time to time, it is a very ineffective approach. Consistency is the key. Follow through on what you said you would do. Sporadic enforcement does not work. Only those parents who consistently enforce their rules will have their rules consistently followed.

Consequences

Consequences will vary dependent on the violation as well as the teen's response to the consequence. Some teens may respond to the loss of the privilege of going out on Friday night, while others may not be bothered by it at all. The key is: (1) to use consequences that have significant meaning and/or deterrent value to your teen, and (2) the severity of the consequences should match the severity of the violation.Research has shown that immediate consequences are the most effective. However, some behaviors are so severe that an immediate consequence would not be strong enough by itself. That is why a combination of immediate consequences with some follow-up consequences is often needed. Immediate consequences might include such things as writing essays, time-out, room restriction, or a work project. Immediate consequences refer to those consequences done immediately and on the spot, before the teen can resume any of their normal activities. Follow-up consequences are those applied over a period of time such as loss of driving privileges, book reports, a major work project, being grounded, additional household chores, or loss of a planned upcoming activity. Again, follow-up consequences are sometimes needed to provide an additional deterrent.

Using Consequences that are effective deterrents

The consequences you use must be strong enough to be deterrents. Otherwise, not only will consequences be ineffective, they will most likely be ignored. Some teens will not respond, no matter what consequences are used. Other teens defiantly refuse to follow through on their consequences. In either of these situations, parents are forced to look at getting outside help, such as a residential center, treatment program, or specialty school.

Managing the Difficult Child: The Child Who Refuses to Cooperate

by Warren P. Silberstein, M.D.
08/11/97

What do you do when a child refuses to cooperate with your rules? You've told him one hundred times not to do something and he still does it. Or you tell him he can't do something and he defies you. These are the kinds of situations that make parents' blood boil. It can escalate into something ugly and even dangerous. The first and most difficult thing to do is to remain calm. A parent who can't control himself cannot control his child or be in control of a situation. Remember that while your blood is reaching the boiling point, your child's may be also. Once that happens your child is no longer thinking clearly. Most efforts at talking and teaching will be for naught. You must defuse the situation as calmly and rationally as possible. To find a compromise with your child that will get the situation under control is not giving up control. You don't have to win every battle to win a war. After the situation is finished and everyone is calm there will be time to talk about the situation and to agree on a consequence (not necessarily punishment) for what happened.

If a child is regularly difficult or defiant it is best to recognize that there will be occasions when you will not get him to do as you say. The best way to avoid constant arguments and threats is to use a system similar to the ones used in residential schools. Set up a board that lists five or more levels of behavior and associated privileges. The middle level should be for acceptable behavior, next level up for effort at improvement, and highest level for exemplary behavior. The level below middle should be for demotion when a child at middle misbehaves while lowest level should be reserved for serious infractions including not complying with the privileges associated with a certain level or demotion for misbehavior after being on the next to lowest level for prolonged periods. Establish rules for what can lower a level or raise a level as well as what behaviors can automatically put a person at a certain level. The highest level should require a minimum length of stay at the level below it. The lowest level should be associated with severe restriction of privileges, while the next level up should be associated with loss of some privileges. The middle level should provide the privileges associated with normal childhood while the next level up could offer additional privileges such as a slightly later bed time, a little more TV, computer time, or video game time. The highest level can offer slightly more expansion of these extra privileges along with bankable points for each day at the highest level, points which can be redeemed for something special at specified intervals. These bankable points should only be lost completely at the lowest level, but some points could be lost to infractions. Other privileges that can be included in the system are telephone time, allowance, time with friends. Loss of privileges can include monetary fines. The most important thing is that it's all spelled out in advance.

The following is a sample board listing levels, requirements to attain a certain level, and privileges associated with a certain level. Both the privileges and requirements will require more detail and changes that would be specific to your rules and lifestyle. Each child should have a marker on the board under his name at his level. The board should be posted where the children can easily refer to it.

Level	Requirements	Name 1	Name 2	Name 3	Privileges
	Helpful without being asked. Follows all rules.	.	.	.	2 hours TV, 2 points/day, 1 hour video games, 1 hour later bedtime
	Helpful when asked. Follows rules well.	O	.	.	1½ hours TV, 1 point/day, 3/4 hour video games, 1/2 hour later bedtime
	Good behavior. Needs reminders to complete chores and follow rules.	.	.	O	1 hour TV, 1/2 hour video games, Regular bedtime, Must present acceptable plan for when homework and chores will be done before any play
	Some misbehavior. Requires frequent reminders to complete chores and follow rules.	.	O	.	1/2 hour earlier bedtime,1/2 hour TV, No video games, Must complete chores and schoolwork before play
	Severe infraction of rules. Unacceptable behavior. Fighting. Refusal to cooperate after warnings. Not complying with privileges for level.	.	.	.	Grounded: No after school activities,. No telephone, No plans with friends, No TV, Lose all points

A more structured approach to behavior management:

1. Don't have an excessive number of rules. At first, apply this system only to the most important rules. As the children get used to cooperating without constant arguing, renegotiate the requirements for the higher levels.

2. Encourage your children to reach for higher levels by being quick to recognize their efforts. Avoid keeping children at level two for prolonged times and reserve level one for serious or persistent problems. Success is a great motivator, so if a child constantly strives to raise his level, even if he falls a little short, make level four attainable, but reserve level five for really good cooperation. As time goes by and the children have enjoyed success, redefine your level of tolerance to achieve higher levels.

The key to making this type of system work is communication. Since you will be renegotiating the requirements for each level and tightening how strictly you will adhere to those requirements as time goes by, you will need to discuss these changes with the children. I use the terms renegotiate and discuss, because the children should be allowed to express their opinions and even have some input into the system. To accomplish this, the family should have regularly scheduled meetings. I call this "Family Court." Since meetings of Family Court will be scheduled regularly, there will be an opportunity to discuss problems that arise when the anger and frustration of the moment are past. Emergency meetings should be convened at the request of any family member; however, even emergency sessions will be most effective once things have calmed down enough for cool heads to prevail. At the first session rules should be established for the running of Family Court. At the first and subsequent sessions, a constitution should be drafted which spells out the rights and responsibilities of all family members. I recommend taking notes at these meetings so that issues discussed at previous sessions can be reviewed and progress or the lack of progress on these issues can be further thrashed out. One person should be in charge. Parents can take turns being in charge but only one person should lead a session. When the children have learned the rules of Family Court, it may be appropriate to let them run some sessions as well. The leader of the session's main function is to serve as a moderator. The main rule is that the person who has the floor gets to speak without being interrupted unless he chooses to allow another person to speak during his turn. Since the parents should expect to be able to say what they need to say without interruption, they should allow each child to speak freely at his turn without any penalty for expressing his opinion, as long as he follows the court's rules for decorum and consideration for all present at the court session. This also provides an excellent means for siblings to air their differences, an important issue since fighting among siblings is often a major problem.

Family Court sessions should be used to change levels, and children should be allowed an opportunity to present their case if they feel they deserve a promotion or if they feel mitigating circumstances might prevent a demotion. Good behavior should be rewarded at sessions with discussion and praise as well as promotion. Since consideration of others should be an absolute requirement for higher levels, there should be no risk that the promoted child will gloat. It is also important for parents to express confidence that the other children will be getting their promotions which may provide a good opportunity to tell them how. Court serves as an excellent vehicle for children to renegotiate their rules as they grow old enough to be allowed certain privileges. Each new privilege can have specific new responsibilities associated with it when appropriate.

Family Court is in many ways like a real court; however, you are both the judge and a member of the jury. If a situation arises that would benefit from intervention beyond a level change try to choose an intervention that will teach rather than punish. The level change takes care of the punishment. Extraordinary or persistent problems may require establishment of special rules or penalties, but before establishing penalties, it's always a good idea to discuss these problems. By discuss, I don't mean lecture. You'd be amazed how much a child might tell you about his behavior if he believes someone will really listen. Sure, he may try to snow you, but give him the benefit of the doubt. If he tries snow jobs regularly, you will know, and that will provide an opportunity to discuss issues of trust. When you discuss behavior with your children with the intent of going beyond what was "wrong" or "bad" you can explore alternative ways the problem situation could have played out. That way, the discussion turns into a learning experience where your child may surprise you by coming up with the appropriate behavior himself. After some time and experience with Family Court, your child may even be able to recommend suitable disciplinary action.

Temperament and the Individual's Response

Temperament can be defined as the way in which the individual responds to the environment. Several traits, according to researchers Thomas, Chess, Birch, Hertzig, and Korn can be identified at birth which will remain constant over a life time, "Initial Traits of Reactivity". The environment can be modified and the traits can be modified to some extent, but basic temperament IS THE WAY THE CHILD RESPONDS, not necessarily the way parents or others want the child to respond.

The following nine traits can be observed in the way an infant, child, or adult INITIALLY reacts to a stimulus situation most of the time. These descriptions of normal traits are on a continuum. Only the extremes are described, but the entire continuum is "normal."

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