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I scowled at the ground.
“They’re only alleged to be heinous and evil by the criminals, Bella.”
“We’re not criminals.”
Jacob huffed in agreement.
“They don’t know that.”
“Do you really think we can make them stop and listen?”
Edward hesitated just the tiniest moment and then shrugged. “If we find enough friends to stand beside us. Maybe.”
If. I suddenly felt the urgency of what we had before us today. Edward and I both started to move faster, breaking into a run. Jacob caught up quickly.
“Tanya shouldn’t be too much longer,” Edward said. “We need to be ready.”
How to be ready, though? We arranged and rearranged, thought and rethought. Renesmee in full view? Or hidden at first? Jacob in the room? Or outside? He’d told his pack to stay close but invisible. Should he do the same?
In the end, Renesmee, Jacob—in his human form again—and I waited around the corner from the front door in the dining room, sitting at the big polished table. Jacob let me hold Renesmee; he wanted space in case he had to phase quickly.
Though I was glad to have her in my arms, it made me feel useless. It reminded me that in a fight with mature vampires, I was no more than an easy target; I didn’t need my hands free.
I tried to remember Tanya, Kate, Carmen, and Eleazar from the wedding. Their faces were murky in my ill-lit memories. I only knew they were beautiful, two blondes and two brunettes. I couldn’t remember if there was any kindness in their eyes.
Edward leaned motionlessly against the back window wall, staring toward the front door. It didn’t look like he was seeing the room in front of him.
We listened to the cars zooming past out on the freeway, none of them slowing.
Renesmee nestled into my neck, her hand against my cheek but no images in my head. She didn’t have pictures for her feelings now.
“What if they don’t like me?” she whispered, and all our eyes flashed to her face.
“Of course they’ll—,” Jacob started to say, but I silenced him with a look.
“They don’t understand you, Renesmee, because they’ve never met anyone like you,” I told her, not wanting to lie to her with promises that might not come true. “Getting them to understand is the problem.”
She sighed, and in my head flashed pictures of all of us in one quick burst. Vampire, human, werewolf. She fit nowhere.
“You’re special, that’s not a bad thing.”
She shook her head in disagreement. She thought of our strained faces and said, “This is my fault.”
“No,” Jacob, Edward, and I all said at exactly the same time, but before we could argue further, we heard the sound we’d been waiting for: the slowing of an engine on the freeway, the tires moving from pavement to soft dirt.
Edward darted around the corner to stand waiting by the door. Renesmee hid in my hair. Jacob and I stared at each other across the table, desperation on our faces.
The car moved quickly through the woods, faster than Charlie or Sue drove. We heard it pull into the meadow and stop by the front porch. Four doors opened and closed. They didn’t speak as they approached the door. Edward opened it before they could knock.
“Edward!” a female voice enthused.
“Hello, Tanya. Kate, Eleazar, Carmen.”
Three murmured hellos.
“Carlisle said he needed to talk to us right away,” the first voice said, Tanya. I could hear that they all were still outside. I imagined Edward in the doorway, blocking their entrance. “What’s the problem? Trouble with the werewolves?”
Jacob rolled his eyes.
“No,” Edward said. “Our truce with the werewolves is stronger than ever.”
A woman chuckled.
“Aren’t you going to invite us in?” Tanya asked. And then she continued without waiting for an answer. “Where’s Carlisle?”
“Carlisle had to leave.”
There was a short silence.
“What’s going on, Edward?” Tanya demanded.
“If you could give me the benefit of the doubt for just a few minutes,” he answered. “I have something difficult to explain, and I’ll need you to be open-minded until you understand.”
“Is Carlisle all right?” a male voice asked anxiously. Eleazar.
“None of us is all right, Eleazar,” Edward said, and then he patted something, maybe Eleazar’s shoulder. “But physically, Carlisle is fine.”
“Physically?” Tanya asked sharply. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that my entire family is in very grave danger. But before I explain, I ask for your promise. Listen to everything I say before you react. I am begging you to hear me out.”
A longer silence greeted his request. Through the strained hush, Jacob and I stared wordlessly at each other. His russet lips paled.
“We’re listening,” Tanya finally said. “We will hear it all before we judge.”
“Thank you, Tanya,” Edward said fervently. “We wouldn’t involve you in this if we had any other choice.”
Edward moved. We heard four sets of footsteps walk through the doorway.
Someone sniffed. “I knew those werewolves were involved,” Tanya muttered.
“Yes, and they’re on our side. Again.”
The reminder silenced Tanya.
“Where’s your Bella?” one of the other female voices asked. “How is she?”
“She’ll join us shortly. She’s well, thank you. She’s taken to immortality with amazing finesse.”
“Tell us about the danger, Edward,” Tanya said quietly. “We’ll listen, and we’ll be on your side, where we belong.”
Edward took a deep breath. “I’d like you to witness for yourselves first. Listen—in the other room. What do you hear?”
It was quiet, and then there was movement.
“Just listen first, please,” Edward said.
“A werewolf, I assume. I can hear his heart,” Tanya said.
“What else?” Edward asked.
There was a pause.
“What is that thrumming?” Kate or Carmen asked. “Is that… some kind of a bird?”
“No, but remember what you’re hearing. Now, what do you smell? Besides the werewolf.”
“Is there a human here?” Eleazar whispered.
“No,” Tanya disagreed. “It’s not human… but… closer to human than the rest of the scents here. What is that, Edward? I don’t think I’ve ever smelled that fragrance before.”
“You most certainly have not, Tanya. Please, please remember that this is something entirely new to you. Throw away your preconceived notions.”
“I promised you I would listen, Edward.”
“All right, then. Bella? Bring out Renesmee, please.”
My legs felt strangely numb, but I knew that feeling was all in my head. I forced myself not to hold back, not to move sluggishly, as I got to my feet and walked the few short feet to the corner. The heat from Jacob’s body flamed close behind me as he shadowed my steps.
I took one step into the bigger room and then froze, unable to force myself farther forward. Renesmee took a deep breath and then peeped out from under my hair, her little shoulders tight, expecting a rebuff.
I thought I’d prepared myself for their reaction. For accusations, for shouting, for the motionlessness of deep stress.
Tanya skittered back four steps, her strawberry curls quivering, like a human confronted by a venomous snake. Kate jumped back all the way to the front door and braced herself against the wall there. A shocked hiss came from between her clenched teeth. Eleazar threw himself in front of Carmen in a protective crouch.
“Oh please,” I heard Jacob complain under his breath.
Edward put his arm around Renesmee and me. “You promised to listen,” he reminded them.
“Some things cannot be heard!” Tanya exclaimed. “How could you, Edward? Do you not know what this means?”
“We have to get out of here,” Kate said anxiously, her hand on the doorknob.
“Edward...” Eleazar seemed beyond words.
“Wait,” Edward said, his voice harder now. “Remember what you hear, what you smell. Renesmee is not what you think she is.”
“There are no exceptions to this rule, Edward,” Tanya snapped back.
“Tanya,” Edward said sharply, “you can hear her heartbeat! Stop and think about what that means.”
“Her heartbeat?” Carmen whispered, peering around Eleazar’s shoulder.
“She’s not a full vampire child,” Edward answered, directing his attention toward Carmen’s less hostile expression. “She is half-human.”
The four vampires stared at him like he was speaking a language none of them knew.
“Hear me.” Edward’s voice shifted into a smooth velvet tone of persuasion. “Renesmee is one of a kind. I am her father. Not her creator—her biological father.”
Tanya’s head was shaking, just a tiny movement. She didn’t seem aware of it.
“Edward, you can’t expect us to—,” Eleazar started to say.
“Tell me another explanation that fits, Eleazar. You can feel the warmth of her body in the air. Blood runs in her veins, Eleazar. You can smell it.”
“How?” Kate breathed.
“Bella is her biological mother,” Edward told her. “She conceived, carried, and gave birth to Renesmee while she was still human. It nearly killed her. I was hard-pressed to get enough venom into her heart to save her.”
“I’ve never heard of such a thing,” Eleazar said. His shoulders were still stiff, his expression cold.
“Physical relationships between vampires and humans are not common,” Edward answered, a bit of dark humor in his tone now. “Human survivors of such trysts are even less common. Wouldn’t you agree, cousins?”
Both Kate and Tanya scowled at him.
“Come now, Eleazar. Surely you can see the resemblance.”
It was Carmen who responded to Edward’s words. She stepped around Eleazar, ignoring his half-articulated warning, and walked carefully to stand right in front of me. She leaned down slightly, looking carefully into Renesmee’s face.
“You seem to have your mother’s eyes,” she said in a low, calm voice, “but your father’s face.” And then, as if she could not help herself, she smiled at Renesmee.
Renesmee’s answering smile was dazzling. She touched my face without looking away from Carmen. She imagined touching Carmen’s face, wondering if that was okay.
“Do you mind if Renesmee tells you about it herself?” I asked Carmen. I was still too stressed to speak above a whisper. “She has a gift for explaining things.”
Carmen was still smiling at Renesmee. “Do you speak, little one?”
“Yes,” Renesmee answered in her trilling high soprano. All of Tanya’s family flinched at the sound of her voice except for Carmen. “But I can show you more than I can tell you.”
She placed her little dimpled hand on Carmen’s cheek.
Carmen stiffened like an electric shock had run through her. Eleazar was at her side in an instant, his hands on her shoulders as if to yank her away.
“Wait,” Carmen said breathlessly, her unblinking eyes locked on Renesmee’s.
Renesmee “showed” Carmen her explanation for a long time. Edward’s face was intent as he watched with Carmen, and I wished so much that I could hear what he heard, too. Jacob shifted his weight impatiently behind me, and I knew he was wishing the same.
“What’s Nessie showing her?” he grumbled under his breath.
“Everything,” Edward murmured.
Another minute passed, and Renesmee dropped her hand from Carmen’s face. She smiled winningly at the stunned vampire.
“She really is your daughter, isn’t she?” Carmen breathed, switching her wide topaz eyes to Edward’s face. “Such a vivid gift! It could only have come from a very gifted father.”
“Do you believe what she showed you?” Edward asked, his expression intense.
“Without a doubt,” Carmen said simply.
Eleazar’s face was rigid with distress. “Carmen!”
Carmen took his hands into her own and squeezed them. “Impossible as it seems, Edward has told you nothing but truth. Let the child show you.”
Carmen nudged Eleazar closer to me and then nodded at Renesmee. “Show him, mi querida. ”
Renesmee grinned, clearly delighted with Carmen’s acceptance, and touched Eleazar lightly on the forehead.
“Ay caray!” he spit, and jerked away from her.
“What did she do to you?” Tanya demanded, coming closer warily. Kate crept forward, too.
“She’s just trying to show you her side of the story,” Carmen told him in a soothing voice.
Renesmee frowned impatiently. “Watch, please,” she commanded Eleazar. She stretched her hand out to him and then left a few inches between her fingers and his face, waiting.
Eleazar eyed her suspiciously and then glanced at Carmen for help. She nodded encouragingly. Eleazar took a deep breath and then leaned closer until his forehead touched her hand again.
He shuddered when it began but held still this time, his eyes closed in concentration.
“Ahh,” he sighed when his eyes reopened a few minutes later. “I see.”
Renesmee smiled at him. He hesitated, then smiled a slightly unwilling smile in response.
“Eleazar?” Tanya asked.
“It’s all true, Tanya. This is no immortal child. She’s half-human. Come. See for yourself.”
In silence, Tanya took her turn standing warily before me, and then Kate, both showing shock as that first image hit them with Renesmee’s touch. But then, just like Carmen and Eleazar, they seemed completely won over as soon as it was done.
I shot a glance at Edward’s smooth face, wondering if it could really be so easy. His golden eyes were clear, unshadowed. There was no deception in this, then.
“Thank you for listening,” he said quietly.
“But there is the grave danger you warned us of,” Tanya said. “Not directly from this child, I see, but surely from the Volturi, then. How did they find out about her? When are they coming?”
I was not surprised at her quick understanding. After all, what could possibly be a threat to a family as strong as mine? Only the Volturi.
“When Bella saw Irina that day in the mountains,” Edward explained, “she had Renesmee with her.”
Kate hissed, her eyes narrowing to slits. “ Irina did this? To you? To Carlisle? Irina? ”
“No,” Tanya whispered. “Someone else...”
“Alice saw her go to them,” Edward said. I wondered if the others noticed the way he winced just slightly when he spoke Alice’s name.
“How could she do this thing?” Eleazar asked of no one.
“Imagine if you had seen Renesmee only from a distance. If you had not waited for our explanation.”
Tanya’s eyes tightened. “No matter what she thought… You are our family.”
“There’s nothing we can do about Irina’s choice now. It’s too late. Alice gave us a month.”
Both Tanya’s and Eleazar’s heads cocked to one side. Kate’s brow furrowed.
“So long?” Eleazar asked.
“They are all coming. That must take some preparation.”
Eleazar gasped. “The entire guard?”
“Not just the guard,” Edward said, his jaw straining tight. “Aro, Caius, Marcus. Even the wives.”
Shock glazed over all their eyes.
“Impossible,” Eleazar said blankly.
“I would have said the same two days ago,” Edward said.
Eleazar scowled, and when he spoke it was nearly a growl. “But that doesn’t make any sense. Why would they put themselves and the wives in danger?”
“It doesn’t make sense from that angle. Alice said there was more to this than just punishment for what they think we’ve done. She thought you could help us.”
“More than punishment? But what else is there?” Eleazar started pacing, stalking toward the door and back again as if he were alone here, his eyebrows furrowed as he stared at the floor.
“Where are the others, Edward? Carlisle and Alice and the rest?” Tanya asked.
Edward’s hesitation was almost unnoticeable. He answered only part of her question. “Looking for friends who might help us.”
Tanya leaned toward him, holding her hands out in front of her. “Edward, no matter how many friends you gather, we can’t help you win. We can only die with you. You must know that. Of course, perhaps the four of us deserve that after what Irina has done now, after how we’ve failed you in the past—for her sake that time as well.”
Edward shook his head quickly. “We’re not asking you to fight and die with us, Tanya. You know Carlisle would never ask for that.”
“Then what, Edward?”
“We’re just looking for witnesses. If we can make them pause, just for a moment. If they would let us explain...” He touched Renesmee’s cheek; she grabbed his hand and held it pressed against her skin. “It’s difficult to doubt our story when you see it for yourself.”
Tanya nodded slowly. “Do you think her past will matter to them so much?”
“Only as it foreshadows her future. The point of the restriction was to protect us from exposure, from the excesses of children who could not be tamed.”
“I’m not dangerous at all,” Renesmee interjected. I listened to her high, clear voice with new ears, imagining how she sounded to the others. “I never hurt Grandpa or Sue or Billy. I love humans. And wolf-people like my Jacob.” She dropped Edward’s hand to reach back and pat Jacob’s arm.
Tanya and Kate exchanged a quick glance.
“If Irina had not come so soon,” Edward mused, “we could have avoided all of this. Renesmee grows at an unprecedented rate. By the time the month is past, she’ll have gained another half year of development.”
“Well, that is something we can certainly witness,” Carmen said in a decided tone. “We’ll be able to promise that we’ve seen her mature ourselves. How could the Volturi ignore such evidence?”
Eleazar mumbled, “How, indeed?” but he did not look up, and he continued pacing as if he were paying no attention at all.
“Yes, we can witness for you,” Tanya said. “Certainly that much. We will consider what more we might do.”
“Tanya,” Edward protested, hearing more in her thoughts than there was in her words, “we don’t expect you to fight with us.”
“If the Volturi won’t pause to listen to our witness, we cannot simply stand by,” Tanya insisted. “Of course, I should only speak for myself.”
Kate snorted. “Do you really doubt me so much, sister?”
Tanya smiled widely at her. “It is a suicide mission, after all.”
Kate flashed a grin back and then shrugged nonchalantly. “I’m in.”
“I, too, will do what I can to protect the child,” Carmen agreed. Then, as if she couldn’t resist, she held her arms out toward Renesmee. “May I hold you, bebé linda?”
Renesmee reached eagerly toward Carmen, delighted with her new friend. Carmen hugged her close, murmuring to her in Spanish.
It was like it had been with Charlie, and before that with all the Cullens. Renesmee was irresistible. What was it about her that drew everyone to her, that made them willing even to pledge their lives in her defense?
For a moment I thought that maybe what we were attempting might be possible. Maybe Renesmee could do the impossible and win over our enemies as she had our friends.
And then I remembered that Alice had left us, and my hope vanished as quickly as it had appeared.
31. TALENTED
“What is the werewolves’ part in this?” Tanya asked then, eyeing Jacob.
Jacob spoke before Edward could answer. “If the Volturi won’t stop to listen about Nessie, I mean Renesmee,” he corrected himself, remembering that Tanya would not understand his stupid nickname, “ we will stop them.”
“Very brave, child, but that would be impossible for more experienced fighters than you are.”
“You don’t know what we can do.”
Tanya shrugged. “It is your own life, certainly, to spend as you choose.”
Jacob’s eyes flickered to Renesmee—still in Carmen’s arms with Kate hovering over them—and it was easy to read the longing in them.
“She is special, that little one,” Tanya mused. “Hard to resist.”
“A very talented family,” Eleazar murmured as he paced. His tempo was increasing; he flashed from the door to Carmen and back again every second. “A mind reader for a father, a shield for a mother, and then whatever magic this extraordinary child has bewitched us with. I wonder if there is a name for what she does, or if it is the norm for a vampire hybrid. As if such a thing could ever be considered normal! A vampire hybrid, indeed!”
“Excuse me,” Edward said in a stunned voice. He reached out and caught Eleazar’s shoulder as he was about to turn again for the door. “What did you just call my wife?”
Eleazar looked at Edward curiously, his manic pacing forgotten for the moment. “A shield, I think. She’s blocking me now, so I can’t be sure.”
I stared at Eleazar, my brows furrowing in confusion. Shield? What did he mean about my blocking him? I was standing right here beside him, not defensive in any way.
“A shield?” Edward repeated, bewildered.
“Come now, Edward! If I can’t get a read on her, I doubt you can, either. Can you hear her thoughts right now?” Eleazar asked.
“No,” Edward murmured. “But I’ve never been able to do that. Even when she was human.”
“Never?” Eleazar blinked. “Interesting. That would indicate a rather powerful latent talent, if it was manifesting so clearly even before the transformation. I can’t feel a way through her shield to get a sense of it at all. Yet she must be raw still—she’s only a few months old.” The look he gave Edward now was almost exasperated. “And apparently completely unaware of what she’s doing. Totally unconscious. Ironic. Aro sent me all over the world searching for such anomalies, and you simply stumble across it by accident and don’t even realize what you have.” Eleazar shook his head in disbelief.
I frowned. “What are you talking about? How can I be a shield? What does that even mean?” All I could picture in my head was a ridiculous medieval suit of armor.
Eleazar leaned his head to one side as he examined me. “I suppose we were overly formal about it in the guard. In truth, categorizing talents is a subjective, haphazard business; every talent is unique, never exactly the same thing twice. But you, Bella, are fairly easy to classify. Talents that are purely defensive, that protect some aspect of the bearer, are always called shields. Have you ever tested your abilities? Blocked anyone besides me and your mate?”
It took me few seconds, despite how quickly my new brain worked, to organize my answer.
“It only works with certain things,” I told him. “My head is sort of… private. But it doesn’t stop Jasper from being able to mess with my mood or Alice from seeing my future.”
“Purely a mental defense.” Eleazar nodded to himself. “Limited, but strong.”
“Aro couldn’t hear her,” Edward interjected. “Though she was human when they met.”
Eleazar’s eyes widened.
“Jane tried to hurt me, but she couldn’t,” I said. “Edward thinks Demetri can’t find me, and that Alec can’t bother me, either. Is that good?”
Eleazar, still gaping, nodded. “Quite.”
“A shield!” Edward said, deep satisfaction saturating his tone. “I never thought of it that way. The only one I’ve ever met before was Renata, and what she did was so different.”
Eleazar had recovered slightly. “Yes, no talent ever manifests in precisely the same way, because no one ever thinks in exactly the same way.”
“Who’s Renata? What does she do?” I asked. Renesmee was interested, too, leaning away from Carmen so that she could see around Kate.
“Renata is Aro’s personal bodyguard,” Eleazar told me. “A very practical kind of shield, and a very strong one.”
I vaguely remembered a small crowd of vampires hovering close to Aro in his macabre tower, some male, some female. I couldn’t remember the women’s faces in the uncomfortable, terrifying memory. One must have been Renata.
“I wonder…,” Eleazar mused. “You see, Renata is a powerful shield against a physical attack. If someone approaches her—or Aro, as she is always close beside him in a hostile situation—they find themselves… diverted. There’s a force around her that repels, though it’s almost unnoticeable. You simply find yourself going a different direction than you planned, with a confused memory as to why you wanted to go that other way in the first place. She can project her shield several meters out from herself. She also protects Caius and Marcus, too, when they have a need, but Aro is her priority.
“What she does isn’t actually physical, though. Like the vast majority of our gifts, it takes place inside the mind. If she tried to keep you back, I wonder who would win?” He shook his head. “I’ve never heard of Aro’s or Jane’s gifts being thwarted.”
“Momma, you’re special,” Renesmee told me without any surprise, like she was commenting on the color of my clothes.
I felt disoriented. Didn’t I already know my gift? I had my super-self-control that had allowed me to skip right over the horrifying newborn year. Vampires only had one extra ability at most, right?
Or had Edward been correct in the beginning? Before Carlisle had suggested that my self-control could be something beyond the natural, Edward had thought my restraint was just a product of good preparation— focus and attitude, he’d declared.
Which one had been right? Was there more I could do? A name and a category for what I was?
“Can you project?” Kate asked interestedly.
“Project?” I asked.
“Push it out from yourself,” Kate explained. “Shield someone besides yourself.”
“I don’t know. I’ve never tried. I didn’t know I should do that.”
“Oh, you might not be able to,” Kate said quickly. “Heavens knows I’ve been working on it for centuries and the best I can do is run a current over my skin.”
I stared at her, mystified.
“Kate’s got an offensive skill,” Edward said. “Sort of like Jane.”
I flinched away from Kate automatically, and she laughed.
“I’m not sadistic about it,” she assured me. “It’s just something that comes in handy during a fight.”
Kate’s words were sinking in, beginning to make connections in my mind. Shield someone besides yourself, she’d said. As if there were some way for me to include another person in my strange, quirky silent head.
I remembered Edward cringing on the ancient stones of the Volturi castle turret. Though this was a human memory, it was sharper, more painful than most of the others—like it had been branded into the tissues of my brain.
What if I could stop that from happening ever again? What if I could protect him? Protect Renesmee? What if there was even the faintest glimmer of a possibility that I could shield them, too?
“You have to teach me what to do!” I insisted, unthinkingly grabbing Kate’s arm. “You have to show me how!”
Kate winced at my grip. “Maybe—if you stop trying to crush my radius.”
“Oops! Sorry!”
“You’re shielding, all right,” Kate said. “That move should have about shocked your arm off. You didn’t feel anything just now?”
“That wasn’t really necessary, Kate. She didn’t mean any harm,” Edward muttered under his breath. Neither of us paid attention to him.
“No, I didn’t feel anything. Were you doing your electric current thing?”
“I was. Hmm. I’ve never met anyone who couldn’t feel it, immortal or otherwise.”
“You said you project it? On your skin?”
Kate nodded. “It used to be just in my palms. Kind of like Aro.”
“Or Renesmee,” Edward interjected.
“But after a lot of practice, I can radiate the current all over my body. It’s a good defense. Anyone who tries to touch me drops like a human that’s been Tasered. It only downs him for a second, but that’s long enough.”
I was only half-listening to Kate, my thoughts racing around the idea that I might be able to protect my little family if I could just learn fast enough. I wished fervently that I might be good at this projecting thing, too, like I was somehow mysteriously good at all the other aspects of being a vampire. My human life had not prepared me for things that came naturally, and I couldn’t make myself trust this aptitude to last.
It felt like I had never wanted anything so badly before this: to be able to protect what I loved.
Because I was so preoccupied, I didn’t notice the silent exchange going on between Edward and Eleazar until it became a spoken conversation.
“Can you think of even one exception, though?” Edward asked.
I looked over to make sense of his comment and realized that everyone else was already staring at the two men. They were leaning toward each other intently, Edward’s expression tight with suspicion, Eleazar’s unhappy and reluctant.
“I don’t want to think of them that way,” Eleazar said through his teeth. I was surprised at the sudden change in the atmosphere.
“If you’re right—,” Eleazar began again.
Edward cut him off. “The thought was yours, not mine.”
“If I’m right… I can’t even grasp what that would mean. It would change everything about the world we’ve created. It would change the meaning of my life. What I have been a part of.”
“Your intentions were always the best, Eleazar.”
“Would that even matter? What have I done? How many lives...”
Tanya put her hand on Eleazar’s shoulder in a comforting gesture. “What did we miss, my friend? I want to know so that I can argue with these thoughts. You’ve never done anything worth castigating yourself this way.”
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