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I was a pussy, that’s what I was. I just wanted her to be happy, and she was only ever happy when I wasn’t home. Every time she looked me, all she really saw was what could have been had our son lived. With me or my presence came memories of what should have been. And if there is one thing Lil and I have, it is a fucking world full of what-should-have-beens. And there isn’t a fucking thing in this world worse than what should have been.

When the plane finally touched down, I drove like a motherfucking bat outta hell to get home. Only, she wasn’t at home… Shit! She was never home. I couldn’t find her at any of her normal hangouts. I hit every bar and lounge up and down Common and Market Streets.

I called every Goddamn five-star hotel within a hundred-mile radius and still couldn’t find her.

That’s when I got scared. I was sure that I was too late. I hadn’t been there when she’d needed me. I knew she’d finally done it. She’d taken her life and killed the love of mine… She’d killed my firecracker.

As far as I was concerned, I’d fucked up and all but handed her whatever drug or weapon she’d needed to get the job done. When she finally, really needed me, I’d been off being a pussy because I didn’t know how to take care of my own wife. I didn’t know how to bring her from the darkness and depth of misery she fed off.

Instead of manning the fuck up and grabbing Lil’s demons by their throats, killing them one by one, snuffing out every single one of those bitches fucking with her head, I’d stood aside, waiting for her to come back to me, waiting for her to need me enough to come back.

Fucking thank FUCK my cell rang! I knew it was her. Even though she didn’t say a word, I knew it was my firecracker. I knew I wasn’t too late. I knew it was her calling me for help, calling because she finally needed me.

I will thank God every night of my life for that call… ‘Cause I had a motherfucking number.

In only twenty minutes, that abundant victory immediately gutted me, leaving in its wake nothing but bleak desolation.

Shit, y’all were there. You know what the fuck I saw when I walked in the bathroom of her hotel suite.

Her beautiful head was lulled back. Fuck, I’ll never forget that shit. It’s imprinted in my brain, etched across my skull. It’s seared into the back of my eyelids.

She had a blood clot smeared from behind her ear, stringing like a fuckin’ spider web to her shoulder. Her skin was as pale as a full moon, not a fucking trace of my firecracker, not a trace of that beautiful tan skin of hers that I loved. Lying there in a pool of bloody water was the woman I fuckin’ swore I’d never leave. How many times had I fuckin’ promised her?

Too many fuckin’ times. And I swear, I swear, I was there.

It just wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. I’d never be enough.

After the docs got her physically well enough to be moved to the psychiatric unit, she was admitted to The Center. I knew then that my fate, my happiness, my fucking LIFE depended on being strong enough for her. Everything in our Goddamned life depended on me stepping up and doing any and every damn thing I could to save my firecracker, be there for her, and make fucking sure she knew I was there and that I wasn’t going anywhere.

And I did.

I made fucking sure I was enough. I killed all those fuckin’ bitches in her head. I went through hell for my fuckin’ firecracker and brought her back to life.

And now, even if I have to stay here in Hell for the rest of my life in order to keep her out, that’s what the fuck I’ll do. As a man, sometimes you have to do what the fuck you have to do.

When you’ve been where I’ve been, seen the shit I’ve seen, and been shredded as many times as I have, there is no other option. Even if it means your life is hell. Even if it means from this point on, you are the one who carries all the weight and burden.

You fuckin’ do it because you love a woman, the only woman in this whole damn world. You do it because she’s your soul mate. And without her, YOU would rather be fucking dead.

Дата добавления: 2015-10-29