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When a woman realizes that she truly deserves to be loved, she is opening the door for a man to give to her. But when it takes her ten years of over giving in a marriage to realize that she deserves more, ironically, she feels like closing the door and not giving him the chance. She may feel something like this: "I have given to you and you have ignored me. You had your chance. I deserve better. I can't trust you. I am too tired, I have nothing left to give. I will not let you hurt me again." Repeatedly, when this is the case, I have assured women that they don't have to give more to have a better relationship. Their partner actually will give them more if they give less. When a man has been ignoring her needs, it is as though they have both been asleep. When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more. Predictably, her partner will wake up from his passive state and truly make many of the changes she requires. When she is no longer giving too much, because she is feeling worthy inside herself, he comes out of his cave and starts building spaceships to come and make her happy. It may take him a while actually to learn to give her more, but the most important step is that he is aware that he has neglected her and he wants to change.
It also works the other way around. Usually when a man realizes that he is unhappy and wants more romance and love in his life, his wife will suddenly begin to open up and love him again. The walls of resentment begin to melt, and love comes back to life. If there has been a lot of neglect it may take a while truly to heal all the accumulated resentments, but it is possible. In chapter 11, I will discuss easy and practical techniques to heal these resentments.
Quite often, when one partner makes a positive change the other will also change. This predictable coincidence is one of those magical things about life. When the student is ready the teacher appears. When the question is asked then the answer is heard. When we are truly ready to receive then what we need will become available. When the Venusians were ready to receive, the Martians were ready to give.
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